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2nd D-day. Same OM

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n8inohio posted 3/3/2019 14:22 PM

Well I had a 2nd D-Day. And it sucks. Its taken me awhile to post this as this has been sitting in my journal for a bit.

The 1st d-day happened after I had finally proved to my self it was real. When confronted she was very sad. She showed remorse and opened everything up to me. At the time we were already in counseling and we continued to go. Things were getting better through out the summer. But then things changed. She got more frustrated that I was not trusting her yet. She still would show me her phone and social media but little did I know she was now smarter and much better at hiding things. So after we had stopped counseling it restarted in June of 2018. I knew something was just off but I had no proof. So we continued on and through the winter and early Jan I finally caught her talking to the OM on her phone using a VAR. (Dday2) It was still going on and they were going to meet the very next day. I confronted her and after being pushed hard she admitted it was on again. This time her reaction was different. She now does not know who she is anymore and her being caught has sent her into a deep depression resulting in an attempted suicide (OD) that I luckily Caught. She got a few nights in a hospital than a mandatory stay in a psych ward for a few days. Since then she has indicated she wants to stay but she is now in a very fragile condition which is causing me to be very careful about talking to much about the continued affair. I'm in IC for my sanity and for help with how to safely deal with her. The OM is Married and his OBS now knows. So this was all in January and I'm just now writing about now that my heads a little clearer. At this point I am being patient. My WW will be dealing with her mental state first then we will resume dealing with state of our marriage later. I do care for her but at this point she will need to own what she has done and prove to me she has done that. In the meantime I will be civil and do my part to keep the house running as she sorts things out with her therapy. I guess as a positive the STD tests are negative but otherwise this whole thing sucks. I do have a lot more details about the A than I put in this. The A now goes back to Feb 2017. D-day 1 had it starting in Oct 2017 My main reason for posting was just so I could write down my situation so it can be out there with all the rest of the stories of deceit so we can all join in our shared pain.

max2018 posted 3/3/2019 14:53 PM

Oh the classical suicide attempt how original

Look man here is the deal and you can call an ass

She had her fun on your expense

The OM had his fun on your expense

And you're the one picking up the tab

Why are you doing this

Why isn't the OM your place right now

It's not your job to care for her anymore

She fired you from it

Ahe hiding behind the poor me fragile me to not face her shit

If you can tell her to move have her family or friends take care of her

Personally i will tell her to go fuck herself

Starzen posted 3/3/2019 14:59 PM

I'm sorry for what you are going through n8. You will get a lot of advice here.. take what you need and leave the rest, as we say here on this site. Take time to read in the Healing Library also. It has to be extra rough with both the infidelity and the suicide attempt. I'm so sorry. There are others here that have experienced that as well, so please keep posting as you need. Everyone is here to help.

Wool94 posted 3/3/2019 15:04 PM

N8, I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you both!

heartbroken_kk posted 3/3/2019 15:12 PM

Hi N8 sorry you are back here.

Suicide attempts like this are manipulative. They are so dramatic and scary that you become paralyzed, worrying about being the cause of her actually succeeding. But her OD was probably well planned so that you would catch it, and she wouldn't die, and it was just a way to get you to latch onto her, and "save" her.

Don't fall for it. You need to confront her about this NOW and let her know that you believe it's a game and you will not be held responsible for her death. Period. She has to grow the fuck up, harden up, and own her shit, not put it all on you and avoid responsibility with all this drama drama drama.

Her fragile position, oh dear me, oh my. Does she have family nearby she can lean on? Do they know she was in the hospital? If so, you should send her there for recovery, not bring her home if you can help it.

2 years is a long term A, and she's put a ton of energy into hiding, being secretive, lying, deceiving you.

Tell us more about the framework of your relationship.

How long have you been married? Any kids? Do you own a home? Any other lying or other type of deception or other affairs in her background? Prior relationships, why did hers end?

And, how about YOU. How are you feeling, obviously it's taken a while to bring your own needs forward, come back and post for support. We are here for you. What can you tell us about how this is affecting you, your thoughts about the future, whether this is a relationship you want to repair or just feel stuck in and responsible for.

I seriously do not recommend getting back into joint counselling. Not now and not for months, not until she has been back into therapy to focus on her extremely shitty ways of dealing with her life and the people in it.

I do recommend IC for you so you can sort through your own thoughts and feelings, completely independent of hers and your relationship. The kind of mind games you have had to deal with area extremely hard on anyone and you should get the support you need with a real-life counselor.

max2018 posted 3/3/2019 15:16 PM




faithfulman posted 3/3/2019 15:17 PM

Unless you are planning to stay with this woman - and you should be planning to leave her - the best thing you can do is turn her oversight over to her family or close friends.

Like max2018 stated, she decided to fire you from the job. Though I think it is more accurate to say she decided to keep you around to fulfill her own selfish day-to-day needs while giving the good stuff to the other man.

Just think about whether you should invest any more of your life into this person. How would it go for you? What is the upside or downside?

That should answer the question.

Unbroken78 posted 3/3/2019 15:49 PM

Hospitals are great places to serve D papers. They can't pretend they aren't there and they can't scream they will kill themselves...

Just sayin.

BBBD posted 3/3/2019 16:00 PM


iamweasel posted 3/3/2019 16:01 PM

You weren't her concern for 2 years, she should no longer be yours.
I agree with those who feel she may be manipulating you with her suicide attempt. Maybe she, and you, would be better off if she stayed with family while you get some seriously needed space away from her.
The fact that she kept going after you had your first D-day fairly spells out the state of your marriage, which was, simply put, YOU were married and she wasn't.

n8inohio posted 3/3/2019 16:02 PM

Thank you for the advice. Just a bit of data we have been married 23 years we two kids One 20 an the other 17. Of the 23 there has been a lot of good years. We dated in HS and were Married 6 months after she graduated. Neither of us ever had any prior serious relationships. Classic HS sweethearts get married. There is no plan for MC at this time just IC for each of us. I'm not so much taking care of here as much as I'm just not pushing to have her deal with the A while she is seeing her psychiatrist. Hear recently this past weekend she has started to talk about it with out going off the deep end.

Marie2792 posted 3/3/2019 16:11 PM

I am going to be the odd one here and say not one of us knows his wifeís suicide attempt was manipulated. We do not know his WS personally and as such he is being given some harsh advice. Is it possible? Yes. Do we know for certain. NO.

Twenty two years is a long time. I was with my husband 23 years when we had this last dday after seeding the first one. I know his anxiety, alopecia and insomnia were real. He was like a scared child, rightfully so, who needed to find how way home. I believe that N8 knows his spouse and just because a spouse cheats, your historical interactions with that spouse doesnít change.

That said, n8inohio, you take your time to make any decisions about your marriage. IC wil give you a positive outlet and ways to cope with your living situation. Do you have children? Do they live at home? If so, they need a stable presence to keep some routine and normalcy in their lives. Iím not saying to pretend nothing is wrong. They need one parent who can make it through the days getting things done and making sure their needs are met and they are not scared.

Yes she betrayed you twice. Iíve been there and I know it hurts bad. Let your gut and your IC help guide you. If you want to work on your marriage, thereís no timeline. Even if your WW is trying to pulll the wool over your eyes, the 2-5 year recovery rule is pretty accurate.

And I would never serve divorce papers or any legal papers to someone in a hospital on suicide watch as a way to see if theyíre faking. Thatís a big risk if they arenít and if youíve never seen anyone committed for that reason then you shouldnít comment like that.

ETA: we cross posted. I see your kids are grown so maybe donít need you as much and know whatís going on to some extent. It doesnít change much and I stand by what I wrote.

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 4:15 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)]

faithfulman posted 3/3/2019 16:15 PM

Well that makes it more complicated, but at least your children are not small children.

It's tough. But can you ever truly trust her again? Or even like her? Can you get past all the things she has done with this other man in violation of your union?

[This message edited by faithfulman at 4:16 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)]

Marz posted 3/3/2019 16:29 PM

Being a marriage warden isn't a great job.

From the start you did everything right, exposure, etc. but if you are the only one in the marriage R is a fruitless venture.

If there is a way cheaters will find it.

Sorry you're here.

Good idea to inform his wife again of the second episode.

Under the circumstances you should inform your kids too. They are old enough to know the sanitized version.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:31 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)]

fareast posted 3/3/2019 16:32 PM


Iím so sorry for what you are going through. Prayers for you both. I recall your original posts following your first DDay. You both were h.s. sweethearts, now married 23 years. Your WWís A was with your veterinarian who is M. You have exposed to the OBS.

Most importantly I hope you are doing good self care. I am not clairvoyant so I will not hazard an opinion on your WWís suicide attempt. You know your WW better than any of us, and if you say she is in fragile mental health it is good enough for me. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Itís great that you are in IC and she will need it as well.
She sounds like a broken person. You donít have to apologize to anyone for being there for your W after her suicide attempt. But it sounds like you are just not pushing the issues until she is in a stronger position. Others have dealt with similar situations and have struggled with the need to be there for a mentally broken WS in fragile condition while needing to deal with your own pain andhurt from her betrayal as well. Your pain and hurt from her ongoing betrayal can not be rugswept just because of her condition. It will need to be addressed and dealt with completely for you to heal and make a decision on whether you want to D or R. This needs to happen hopefully sooner than later but you have time on your side. There is no need to rush a decision at this time. Good luck.

n8inohio posted 3/3/2019 16:32 PM

I don't know if I can ever trust her again at this point. That will be up to her to take the steps to build that trust. If she does not do that then I will have to look at other options. But in the meantime its to soon to make that final call. Getting past the PA will take time with a IC but I believe I can if she does her part.

40YOSL posted 3/3/2019 16:58 PM

I'm so sorry for what you are going through!

You previously said the OM was your vet, have you seen an attorney because I expect you have grounds for a suit against him. He used his position to ingrain himself with your wife and you were paying him for his professional services. You should also be filing a complaint with his state licensing agency.

I'm curious, did you inform the OBS after D-Day 1? Usually when there are 2 sets of eyes on them it's much more difficult for the A to restart.

Jameson1977 posted 3/3/2019 17:24 PM

n8inohio, I'm so sorry, this is extremely traumatic for you.

My WW also attempted suicide and I also intervened, so I know the feeling. HS sweethearts too.

What you are experiencing is probably the worst fear in many of us. I dont know what I would do, other than take time for myself and come to a decision.

I'm truly sorry you are having to go through this.

paboy posted 3/3/2019 17:53 PM

WW has put you in a no win situation again. What ever you decide from here, there is going to be huge losses either way.

If we return to the major objective you sought in the very beginning of this ordeal 'How to get out of Infidelity', the choice becomes more obvious now. This time you need to physically remove yourself from it.

If you two decide, then start rebuilding your 'new' relationship from the ground floor again from 'seperate residences'. Start dating each other, spending time with each other, wining each other over again. This current relationship has been mutilated, murdered.

You also have your two sons observing all of this and they will be watching you, as their prime role mode,on how to handle life's challenges. Especially marital ones.

Now the AP. His disrepect of you and your family needs to be addressed. You need to put him in his place so that he never shadows your door step again. If he has spouse, she needs to be contacted. I am sure he must be a member of a proffessional body with his business. If you havent done so yet, you need to notify them. Having a relationship with a married client, and then persuing her, leading to her being hospitalized after an attempted suicide, should be of concern to them. I would also consider turning up at his surgery, presuming he has one, during a busy time of the day when there are lots of clients present, and confronting him then. Enquire also on what legal action you can take so that he starts realising that there are now consequences.

Hope you are able to move forward, whatever you do.

[This message edited by paboy at 5:58 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)]

n8inohio posted 3/3/2019 18:37 PM

Again thank you for all the advice. My main reason for posting was to share my story so that the next person you signs up can see another story that might be like theirs. There's comfort in the fact the we all are going through some version of the same hell together. I'm coping ok now that its over a month out. My counselor is good and we are working on plan together. The AP is an ass but he has a very nice wife and two young daughters. They are financially dependent on him and the OBS is dealing with him. I don't plan on suing him or getting him fired for the sake of his W and kids. I talked to her back when I found out and I have compassion for her situation as she is the same boat as me. My WW made a choice to be with him. Shes no victim. I'm only concerned about her owning whats shes done.

Also Fareast There will be no rug sweeping. I've have talked to her and made it clear if she does not eventually take steps to address the the affair then the Marriage will be Over. We did discuss this and she understands this. But for now I am following the the advice of the hospital psych doctor to let her fix her first then revisit the Affair together later. But he did tell both of us it will have to be dealt with.

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