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Shattered to a million pieces

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manofintegrity posted 2/12/2019 08:14 AM

Oh, preacher boy and yoga boy donít care about our children. Preacher boy pretended to be so interested in my WW and childrenís safety. He even baptized my two teenagers a couple of months before the A. I met him in a crowded public place, three months after A and stared him down with the look of death. Everyone cleared out of the way. Fortunately for him, he looked down and away. Donít let him stare you down. You were not the predator.

Bladerunner2054 posted 2/12/2019 08:39 AM

She called him her soul brother.

Hard 180.

No contact.

IC.

Mene posted 2/12/2019 15:33 PM

He stared you down? Why are you allowing him to do that? Never, ever allow a POS stare you down. He disrespected you and your family.

Your wife is lying to you. There is more than just kissing. She will only admit to you what you can prove. You need to get access to her phone. And it will shed some light on her activities.

And many of these personal trainers and yoga ďgurusĒ think they have these magical ďpowersĒ. Stupid people fall for their validation. Especially vulnerable ones like your wife. And they sense this and move in. Ruin his world like he tried to ruin yours. Your wife is not innocent either. Sheís an adult. Old enough to make decisions.

LifeLostLongAgo posted 2/12/2019 19:11 PM

A black eye on yoga twerp would look right in style

!

RocketRaccoon posted 2/13/2019 03:02 AM

Dude,

Like a few others have mentioned, you seem to be putting a lot of attention on the incorrect party, and on the wrong things.

Firstly, it is your WW that made vows to you, not the yoga teacher. You say that you are a SAHD, and by the sounds of it, a pretty damn good one also. Problem, your WW is supposed to be a high achiever, and high achievers get drawn to other strong personalities. By letting yourself go, it had a likely subconscious effect on her that you are no longer a strong personality. If you have pride in yourself, others will have pride in you.

As it has been mentioned, your WW made choices that led her to her A. From your narrative, she is a strong minded and focused woman. If she really were that, then how would she be manipulated into making those choices that led to an A? Take her off that pedestal that you seem to be putting her on. A M is when both spouses have the same respect and level as the other. You have elevated her to an unrealistic 'goddess' level. Puh-leeze, that is melodramatic, and does not generate respect.

The 'consequences' that your WW's boyfriend had as a result of your letter is expected. What did you expect? His reputation would be tarnished and he won't be able to teach again? He did not drug or kidnap your WW. She went WILLINGLY. If your WW were assaulted, then more drastic action could be taken by them.

Ignore your WW's boyfriend for now and focus on your WW, or you will drive yourself insane. Strategize your next plan of action once you have settled things at your own home. Focus on one thing at a time. You cannot afford to multi-task now.

I am also one who suspects that it went way beyond a kiss or two. Highly likely that he had a home-run with her. All the deleted texts would have helped bolster her case that it was only a kiss, but she deleted it because she wanted to keep the nasty acts away from your prying eyes.

The second thing that was not that smart, focusing on getting the yoga mat back. Why? Is it a custom made one that cost gazillions of dollars? If you were truly spiritual, one basic tenant is that you do not tie yourself onto material things.

Whose idea was it to go get the mat? You WW or yours? If it was the WW, it is highly probable that she wanted to see her boyfriend again, for that romantic 'one last time' (barf). BTW, what was your WW's reaction when he r boyfriend was posturing with you?

Another thing to keep note: No Contact means NO Contact. It will not help by you asking your WW to contact her boyfriend for answers. Be a man and do it yourself. Don't send someone else to do your 'dirty' work, it just reinforces in their minds how weak you seem to be.

As long as the mat it around, it will remind both you and your WW about her boyfriend.

ShutterHappy posted 2/13/2019 15:27 PM

I had to forgive, she was letting me go at that point

This is the key issue for you right now. Imagine your daughter (Iím assuming one of your child is a girl) 20 years from now, married, and her husband beats her up on occasion with a baseball bat. She write a long letter to the baseball bat explaining how it hurt.

You tell her: he either fix himself or you leave him. She replies to you: I had to forgive, or he would have left me.

Would you like your daughter to say that, or would you like your daughter to stand for herself?

Donít let someone else abuse you. Stand up for yourself, for your own sake, and to teach your children that abuse is not to be tolerated.

The worst thing that can happen to you is not your WW leaving, it you to continue to live in infidelity.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:29 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

Western posted 2/13/2019 18:48 PM

I like manofintegrity as he is spot on. Great posts by him. Great add to this board. Marz and Goldenr are spot on.

What is the point here ? Why are you playing this game ???

BrokenGiant posted 2/14/2019 00:36 AM

Thank you for all your thoughts and encouragement. WW is slowly coming to terms about the A. She herself is shocked at her behavior. I keep on reminding her that she reacted to the situation whilst I hung back. And that's why OM took what ever she offered. She now sees the truth, on how she encouraged the A. Feels so stupid about herself, how could she have fallen so far.
I feel stronger, I am doing the 180. Moving forward alone if have to. I will get through this, with all your help.

Butforthegrace posted 2/14/2019 05:29 AM

WW is slowly coming to terms about the A. She herself is shocked at her behavior.

Those kinds of statements from a newly minted BH shortly after DDay are worrisome. There is now way you could know that at this point. It's way too soon. The fact that you believe these things suggests that you, like many BH's, are grasping at straws. There is a term used here -- "hopium" -- which is described as the most dangerous drug abused by most betrayed spouses.

The only thing she can do that could work is, through her actions (not words), consistently over time (like years), show that she places your healing above everything else. Any saccharine words she utters at this point should not be believed. Keep in mind that, until not long ago, her habit was to deceive you and lie to you about the A. Her default behavior is lying. You cannot believe her words at this stage.

BrokenGiant posted 2/17/2019 21:45 PM

Thanks again for the strength. These past few days were encouraging. I always make it a point to tell myself, today is a new day and it will get better. When I go to the CBD to run errands, sometimes I hope to run into the POS, and get to scandalize him. A part of me wants to hurt him in any possible way. I am no longer scared to tell my WW, that we are not okay and that it will take a long time till it will be okay. Until my hurt stops, things will not be okay. She used to tell me that I neglected her, but I said touche... I was dying of Hypothermia after I fell off the boat on one winter fishing trip, and all she could think of was her yoga. It came to a point that I told her, "Couldn't you have waited till I died? Or, if you were so unhappy with me, why didn't you say so...
Such a shame, I don't have close friends or family in the area to talk to and have a shoulder to cry on. You guys will do...

Marz posted 2/17/2019 22:47 PM

Glad to see you waking up.

It's amazing once you step back, take a deep breath how much clarity comes.

Tallgirl posted 2/18/2019 08:03 AM

Broken, I am glad to see you are starting to see things a bit more clearly. What I see is this:

- your wife is having a physical affair, or at least had
- the yoga teacher was encouraged by your wife. He may have started it but she should have said stop immediately. She did not. She is an adult women with four kids -she knows better.
- the pedestal you have your wife on is crazy. She is a cheater. She has lied and betrayed you and your family. Please get more real.
- is she truly remorseful? I havenít seen this in your description.
- that letter made it sound like your wife was a victim. She is not. It would have been better to say, this guy is having affairs with your clients, this is in no way the first time. Is this the reputation you want for your business. If yes I will start talking to your clients to let them know.
- I am sorry to say this, you should never have involved your kids - they are too young. It is your job to make them feel loved and safe. Do not involve them further. This is an adult problem.

You need to keep your eyes open, read the healing library and stop making excuses for her. This is hard stuff, it hurts. If you want to save your marriage deal with it head on, donít rug sweep.

I wish you the best.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 8:05 AM, February 18th (Monday)]

ShutterHappy posted 2/18/2019 13:27 PM

I agree with Tallgirl.

Hatred towards the AP is normal. Itís also misguided. You WW will encounter men that will flirt with her just about everywhere. She needs to have strong boundaries and protect the marriage. She isnít doing that. Why? It isnít like her but she did it, so it is like her. She took that DECISION.

You need to walk away from infidelity, with or without her. You took one step. What is your game plan now?

Also, your family is far but there is skype, facetime etc...

This is very hard and you canít do this alone, you will need some support.

Stay calm, resolute and firm... I send strength your way

BrokenGiant posted 2/19/2019 23:00 PM

Thank you again for the strength. I have been being greatly affected by the mind movies recently. The scenes keep playing on, and on, and on...
Today I expressed to my FWW how badly she hurt me. I told her point blank, I wasn't feeling nor seeing regret or remorse. She kind of refuted it, but I explained how could I trust her after all the deceit? It took more than 36 hours and three lies to wring out the truth. When I told her I had the feeling of being betrayed, she admitted to some half truths, I warned her that time that this could be dangerous. The next day she still met up with the bastard. I told her, if only you were honest with me that night, all of this could have been prevented. He wouldn't have had the chance to tongue f*ck you. During your last conversation with him, both of you had tried to end it and you felt that things were spinning out of control, and still you went with him to the beach where he kissed you.
So he offered a kiss, you let it happen, as if it weren't enough, you had to lay down in the sand and kiss him again. Even teasing and encouraging him saying how many men wished to kiss those lips of yours. And so he kissed you at your bidding this time, you offered to be kissed. - THAT was YOU! 15 years ago, it was you and me, the beach was our special place, our sanctuary. With this, these memories are now so polluted in my mind.
I told her, you can say your sorry a million times, but you need to figure out how mean it. Make me feel you are sorry, show me your regret, your remorse, and just maybe, just maybe I will feel a little better today.

ShutterHappy posted 2/20/2019 03:09 AM

BrokenGiant,

You are coming to the realization that she is not a victim, but an active participant, which is good progress on your part.

Have you asked for a timeline? What is your plan moving forward?

We know how hurt you are but you need to stay srrong, put your foot down and express what are your conditions for you to stay. Put yourself in a position of strength!

Tallgirl posted 2/21/2019 05:28 AM

There is a list of conditions of reconciliation in the healing library under the reconciliation section that is helpful. Incredibly thorough.

I am so sorry you are going through this. When she finally stops giving you trickle triuth and admits to what she is doing, you can start to move forward and move toward healing.

After my husband told me everything which took 9 weeks of lies, we called his whore Girlfriend together and he said to her that we are done, there is no future for us. Do not contact me. Then I told him that if he ever broke no contact or purposefully lied to me, we too were finished.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 2:10 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

hadji posted 2/24/2019 00:07 AM

I am willing to bet that there is more to this story than she has admitted to you. And please stop placing her on a pedestal. She has proven to be unworthy of everything that you wrote about her. Until she puts in the hard-work to earn it back she shouldn't be any of those.

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