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Shattered to a million pieces

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BrokenGiant posted 2/11/2019 14:51 PM

Hello,

Like most people, I found out. She had an affair with her yoga teacher. We were married 14 years. 4 beautiful children. She was my goddess, my moon, she gave me such joy. We drifted apart, slowly... according to her I was asleep, I failed to love myself. I became fat, unhealthy, lazy but I never faltered in my duties as a husband, as a father to the children. I am a SAHD, my wife has the career, it has been this way for the past 8 years. I am practically a domestic slave. I cook (yes I am a very good cook) I sew, I clean the house, wash the clothes. An unconventional hubby one might say.
I noticed the first sign was when she gave him massage oil, she said he needed it. This was a guy who would go to our house, shake my hand, give me a hug and even play with my kids. My wife never shares her things. I caught them in an embrace, the O jumped back when he saw me. I know what a hug is and what an embrace is.
Next was she would spend less time at the dinner table, she would confine herself in our bedroom, me not knowing that they were chatting or video calling most of the time.
The climax was when she went to his house to have dinner with his folks. He invited her over, and when she arrived, his folks were surprised to see her there without her family. We knew his folks, we broke bread with them on several occasions. He told his folks, "look who has come to join us for dinner!!???" After the meal, they took a walk by the riverside then he hugged her from behind, then ran his lips on her nape. After which, he took her to another secluded part of the woods and hugged her again, as if waiting for a cue. But it was late, and it was 2 hours past due when my wife was supposed to go home.
A few days passed I confronted my wife about her behavior, I told her that I had a feeling that I was being betrayed. She brushed it off, until she admitted that there was slightly more to their relationship. She called him her soul brother. She admitted that they hugged, he gave her peck on the cheek after the had lunch in the city. I thought, hey, this might get out of control, do set boundaries with him, he is getting to comfortable with you. So just before Christmas, they had a talk. He said, "well, if he suspects that we already kissed and done it, we might as well just go and do it then, it does not make a difference now." So he took my wife to a beach and embraced her again from behind, and french kissed her like a 17 year old boy. I asked her did you kiss him back, she said yes, but she felt no passion according to her. I recently told her that one kiss would have been enough, but you guys kissed him 3 more times that same day. Once more lying down on the beach, again after you teased him on how many men have been wanting to kiss your lips, and lastly when he dropped you off the train station before meeting up with me.
She maintains that they did not have sex, but I don't know... something tells me that they did. Although all circumstances point to that there was no time to consummate it. My gut feel is telling me otherwise.
Please help me heal I would like to hear from all of you who had similar experiences. How you dealt with it, the pain, the betrayal. How do we cope. We are migrants in a country, we have few friends, I can't afford counselling.
Help...

LifeLostLongAgo posted 2/11/2019 14:56 PM

Thank God u found this great place. Good people will be along to help.

benomania posted 2/11/2019 15:33 PM

Whether they had sex is not important. This dude is taking her on little romantic trips? Invites her over for dinner and not you and the kids?
This dude has crossed that line whereby he should be getting a "little talk".
As for her, why why why would she go with him?
Clearly she was enjoying the attention.
I know exactly how you feel. That feeling of being worthless.
Emasculated.
Yup, been there and still experiencing it.
Like you I never had any proof.
Just watching her behavior get worse and worse towards me. Like I had rabbies or something.
After noticing the change I tried to change somethings that needed addressed.
That worked for a while then I found her following the same ass hats on Instagram.
After I had told her not to.
One dude "confessed" to trying to woo her.
She calling him a crazy person.
The next 9 months were a total shit storm.
Her hiding shit, stopping to and from work at various locations.
Ridiculing me. Putting me down. Rejecting gifts.
Then I caught on and started to turn the tables on her.
I confronted 3 of those asshats. One of them I told his wife.
The other two got a rash of insults and details of things I knew.
I went from Irrational bonding to pick me dance. To I don't give a shit anymore.
Parameters have been set.
Expectations set.
Monitoring set.
Many people "know" something is up.
Next step. Shape up or I'm leaving.
She should know this.
proof or no proof
No one and I mean NO ONE is worth this much pain, paranoia, chasing, embarrassment etc...
I hope you get your issues sorted out.
This is no way to live.
Trust me. I went from being the Alpha successful, educated Ex Marine to a total mess in just under 2 years.
Now, I'm emerging. Stronger. Prouder. And more focused on my kids.
If she wants to be part of us so be it.
If not her choice.
I've come to the realization that material things don't mean shit.
Love, Trust, Respect and admiration for one another is a must.
Will there be "another" for me if things fail?
NOPE
Why?
Hypergamy is a real monster.
The more we men give the more they expect.
We are never good enough.
They love to chase this dream.
A dream that's not realistic.
Ok..... Go chase that dream.
Let's see if the "top shelf" boys will do laundry, shovel the drive, help w the kids, cooking, cleaning, spending quality time (not fucking) with you.
Let's see how long that fairy tale will last?
So for me.
NO MAS!
NEVER AGAIN
Hope this doesn't happen to you and you get this sorted out and restore your family as GOD intended.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/11/2019 15:34 PM

It only takes a few minutes to consummate. Read in the Healing Library about the 180. You need to put it in to action in order to allow yourself to detach a little and get your head straight. Then start exercising and eating healthy. Drink lots of water and stay away from sugar drinks. Decide what you're willing to put up with and determine where your lines-in-the-sand are. Think of your options and what your courses of action will be if your lines are crossed. If there are obstacles, get creative and remove them. Get yourself a part-time job outside of the home while the kids are at school and send them to a daycare if you must. Take your life back. You've obviously given it to someone who has decided that it's not important.

Robert22205https posted 2/11/2019 16:09 PM

You both should read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass

It lays a solid research based foundation to discuss her 'friendship' with the OM. And frankly she won't be able to justify it going forward.

The book will provide you with the terms and concepts necessary to insist that she go NC. The book will also provide solid research that you are not being controlling or unreasonable.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:13 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

Marz posted 2/11/2019 16:10 PM

Your wife has a boyfriend. They've been dating.

It's probably a sexual affair. Cheaters lie a lot.

If he's married inform his wife.

Robert22205https posted 2/11/2019 16:11 PM

A married person kissing someone else in a private setting is actually a big deal.

If you’re alive you feel attraction to the opposite sex – but people dedicated to their marriage do not act on it. We erect walls to protect our marriage from ourselves as well as others.

A critical protective wall around a marriage is no-kissing and/or petting.

WHY?

Studies/interviews with cheaters show (I think I read it in NOT JUST FRIENDS and elsewhere) that the no-kissing boundary (or line) was actually the most difficult (in terms of guilt/shame/moral reluctance) boundary for the cheater to ignore than anything that occurred afterward.

According to interviews with cheaters, once that no-kissing line is crossed it basically flips a mental switch allowing the cheater to justify/accept that the relationship is leading to sex.

In other words, after the no-kiss line is crossed, the door to the bedroom is open – its just a matter of time and opportunity.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:12 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

Robert22205https posted 2/11/2019 16:15 PM

Lots of people are unhappy (even bored in marriage or feeling unappreciated) - but they don't cheat.

Do not accept any responsibility for her decision to cheat. It's entirely her choice and responsibility ...as are the consequences.

GoldenR posted 2/11/2019 16:15 PM

In cheaterspeak, "We only kissed" translates to, "We had a lot of sex".

jlg05 posted 2/11/2019 16:17 PM

I would bet they have already had sex.

She needs to break off ALL CONTACT -- COMPLETELY and forever.
YOU need to expose this to everyone -- his parents/partner, her family, your family etc..
This can't hide in the dark.
She has to open all passwords, email, etc. to you.
She needs to write a timeline and take a poly.
IF SHE ISN"T willing to do any of these, contact a lawyer (and you probably should ANYWAY so that you know what you can expect -- child support, alimony, etc. -- that will all be on HER since you are the primary parent and she makes the money).

WilliamM posted 2/11/2019 16:42 PM

Your wife is having a full blown affair. She is minimizing what she has done. She kissed only? You don't think they had time? If she was gone from the house two years past the time she told you then they had plenty of time. If they are going on "dates" they they had plenty of time. He took your wife to the beach? Without you? And you allowed this? I would have never allowed another man to take my wife to the beach without me and DD. He has replaced you. And you are letting it happen because you dont see it and you are a nice guy. Please dont believe her story at all.

ShutterHappy posted 2/11/2019 16:55 PM

If they kissed, it’s already an affair. Married Spouse don’t kiss others and don’t have “soul brother/sister”

Please help me heal

What you are trying to do is healing from your WW having an affair.

Right now she’s in the land of unicorns and rainbows. She has the reliable husband to take care of her home and children, and her soulmate BF on the side. It’s called cake eating.

To heal, you need to get out of infidelity. You can either Reconcile or Divorce.

Reconciling is not possible while your WW is in fantasy land. You will need to shock her into reality. You will need to explain to her that you do not accept sharing your wife. She’s free to go have a great life with her BF, but not while married to you.

Calmly Tell her that you are getting out of infidelity with or without her. Then Do the 180 (see the healing library), you need to detach from her, this is very important.. Stop cooking for her, stop doing her laundry. Ask her to move to another room. Go out with the kids, but without her.

Go see a lawyer to learn your rights.

Be firm. Don’t ever do the pick me dance.

If she wakes up let us know and we’ll go through the R steps. If she is not, Divorce her.

And this is how the hurt will stop and how you will heal.

It will be the hardest thing you will ever do. All of us here on SI did it. You can too.

I send you strength...

Ripped62 posted 2/11/2019 20:12 PM

Believe nothing you hear and less than 50% of what you see. You may have only discovered the tip of the iceberg.

You need to find out / understand who and what you are dealing with.

You will experience a wide range of emotions we call it riding the emotional rollercoaster. Please take care of yourself.

oldtruck posted 2/11/2019 21:00 PM

Time to expose the affair to the OMW, WW parents and
siblings.

WW's lie, tell half truths, minimize, do damage
control. Tell WW that she must have NC with the OM,
block him from contacting her and she must take a
polygraph to confirm you have the full truth.

manofintegrity posted 2/11/2019 21:29 PM

She is flat out lying and deceiving you. 12 yr olds kiss in the woods. Adults do not just kiss 3 times. You seriously don’t believe that do you.

First, out mr yoga man to his boss and every student he has publicly one night. Make sure you get all of her student names so that you can go to their husbands. See how many customers he has when I’d get finished with him. I’d introduce him to a few new yoga moves to try out one night after work. Out him to his family that she had dinner with and tell them what a bunch of scoundrels with no integrity that they are. Out him to his regular work, SO if he has one, his banker, post office, and anyone else with a pulse and good hearing. Men like him are going to learn how to respect married women and their husbands.

It is not your fault. She could have came to you to talk about the difficult problems in her life. If not satisfied with you she could have filed for divorce. She is on a dopamine/oxytocin fantasy IV drip right now.

Do not let her know anything that you plan on doing. Do not reveal your sources. Do not confront until you have solid proof. Hire a PI or do it yourself. Check phone records. Install VAR under her car seat. Have friend follow her to and from yoga class. Ten minutes is all it takes for a quickie.

Teach him some consequences of his stupid decision to hit on your wife. I can guarantee you that she is not his first conquest, although he will tell her that.

BrokenGiant posted 2/11/2019 21:37 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies. It is very encouraging to know that there are people out there who have been in the same shoes as me. I did act on it, the discovery date was last Dec. 23. Spent two whole days in agony, slept for like 6 hours during those two days. We came to terms on the 24th, where I could not stand the hurt anymore. I had to forgive, she was letting me go at that point. I could not bear to loose her as well. I loved her and still love her very much. We broke the news to the kids just before dinner on Christmas Eve. The kids (12, 10, 8 and 6) were shocked of course. This was a man they had come to trust and couldn't understand why he wanted to take over my place and make me go away.
Then my eldest daughter spoke up. She recounted a time when she finished yoga with Mum and they were going to the Museum afterwards. Well, the OM heard about this plan and offered them a ride, and effectively joined them during their "girl time" My daughter bravely said that she saw them holding hands occasionally and that they were walking quite close to one another. And that my wife was laughing all the time. It was evident that she enjoyed his company a lot. My daughter said that she didn't want me to make me sad so she kept these things to herself, until that fateful night. Now, my 10 year old daughter is traumatized, she thinks that whenever we have an argument, it will make me pack my bags and leave them.
I made my WS speak with her teacher's guru and let him know about his inappropriate behavior, I also wrote him a letter recounting all the events as confessed by my WS. He was reprimanded, but that was that. I also wrote to his parents about his escapades with my wife on how it all started. Perhaps one day I will post our story here. He was reprimanded and made to see a counsellor.
Since his yoga studio was closed over the X'mas holidays, we couldn't retrieve my WS yoga mat, until the 23rd of Jan. When we arrived at the studio, went straight to the lockers and guess what, my WS yoga mat was not there. He met my wife and personally handed it to her. If it were not for another student standing there, I would have whacked him with the mat. He stared me down as if I was the one who stole his prize away. When we got home, I instructed my wife to make contact and ask him why her mat wasn't in the last place she left it. His reply was he took it out so he wouldn't forget, and so that he could leave it at the reception area of her office. When we unrolled the mat, it had his smell... it reeked of this vile and putrid monster's scent and had to use almost a full bottle of disinfectant.
This is my sounding board, I need to get these thoughts out into the open. Thank you for listening.

wordsofwisdom posted 2/11/2019 21:39 PM

BG, you can't afford counseling but you can certainly afford google. Please read about co-dependency and how to grow out of it. You can do it, even though it may take some time.

Many years ago you have abandoned your talents and your life to slowly turn into a shadow of your wife. But it does not mean that you have no future. You can be happy. You can be happy. And possibly – you can be happy much faster than you may imagine.

Just start reading about co-dependency to realize that the key to your happiness lies within you and not within your wife. You may feel brutally bad right now, but take it for a blessing in disguise. Life is wiser than us and sometimes it gives us this brutal wake up call to give us a chance to face and confront our fears and begin to live our life without fears and dependency on other people for our self-worth and happiness.

BrokenGiant posted 2/11/2019 22:02 PM

Hey guys, you can follow my story here:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=635666

It's the letter I wrote to the OM yoga guru to expose him.

Edie posted 2/11/2019 23:59 PM

The kids (12, 10, 8 and 6) were shocked of course

I am very sorry to hear your story. I am shocked that you chose to share it with such young children.

manofintegrity posted 2/12/2019 08:06 AM

Men like Mr. Yoga are arrogant psychopaths. Look up the symptoms. He is just like the hypocrite, drunken,serial-cheating preacher that lost his ministry, house, nicer vehicles, respect in the community. I bet you’ll find out she was not his only affair.

I would dispose of that yoga mat and anything she wore or had in her possession when she was with yoga boy. Ask your WW and daughter if your WW has any new jewelry, perfume, underwear, etc. I bet yoga boy bought her some niceties for Christmas.

Out him on FB, on a billboard, on a magnet sign for your cars, in the news, etc. If your WW takes up for him, divorce her.

My FB now does nothing else but expose men for their lack of integrity. Especially men in Ministry, Law Enforcement, Politics, Medical and Education. Take a guess how many likes or comments I get from men and women. Very few. Why you ask. Because many men are guilty of it themselves and women don’t want to call their own husband, bosses or yoga instructors out on their player games. Predators like these play victim and blame the evil seductresses like they have for centuries. Well, it is going to stop. I won’t let up!

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