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Not sure what to do

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Mossanimal posted 2/7/2019 02:48 AM

Facts:

*Weíve been married 12 years and are in our forties.
*We have an 8 year old and a 10 year old.
Weíve continued to have sex throughout our marriage... including now.
*We live in a very small town where everybody knows each other.
*After 2 years I started to make a mess of things by trying to start my own business.
*I was good to her but spent too much time on my failing business. Her biggest complaint was that I was not her partner by not helping her enough with the household.
*She is a physical therapist making very good money. And she is beautiful and extremely fit.
*Iím an awesome father and she knows it.
*I guess she started falling out of love with me.
*Two summers ago she coached soccer with one of our male friends who shares kids the same age as ours and is happily married. They had a lot of fun together and started texting. She never tried to hide this. I was a little jealous but not alarmed.
*Things continue to go downhill with my business which further damages our relationship. She threatens divorce and decides not to. This is my wake up call... I get my shit together and find a full time job that allows us to move closer to town. Something that she desperately wanted so the kids could be closer to school and friends.
*I discover that Iím ADHD which results in big positive behavior changes for me and I start to really engage and become the partner that she has wanted. She notices and is positive. But... at the same time her friendship with this other guy deepens due to the amount of time they spend arranging activities for our kids. And they also share doing CrossFit at the gym he started.
*I notice more and more texting and how they are sending each other inside jokes. My suspicion deepens even though there is no possible time that they ever have alone. There is nowhere for them to go without being seen. Iím friends with him too, my wife is his wifeís friend, we are all friends and our whole social life revolves around all of us.
*My jealousy starts to become obvious and we start fighting over it. She becomes very defensive and says they are just friends. There is still no possible way they could spend time together alone with the hectic family lives and small town....
*We go to a party and I drink too much and take her phone while she is asleep. I find mostly nothing but some joking around and family logistic stuff. But a few things raise my hackles. A few times he asks her if itís okay to text now. And then something strange ... he writes this in quotations (not their real names) ĎSteveís Jenniferí and something about Ďour secret.í She wrote nothing in response to those texts. Itís all fuzzy because I was still somewhat drunk. And then I get to a place where she writes Ďoops I deleted our whole conversation!í At this point I wake her up and confront her. She denies there is anything to it and says she had no idea what he meant.
*My suspicions deepen and I begin to push her away with questioning and not wanting her out of my sight.
*Our relationship ships suffers big time but she doesnít want me to leave.
*I start to notice her taking the kids to practices and not coming home like she usually does during the practice. There becomes maaaaybe about 5 times where she could have been alone with him. She denies, denies, denies. She becomes more open with her phone and is no longer obviously texting him... at least not in the volume that I noticed before.
*I donít know what to do. I donít have evidence but my gut tells me something is not right. If Iím wrong then Iím ruining the chance we had at improving our relationship. Iím ready to forgive her if it went too far and Iíve told her this. I just want to know the truth and put it behind me... but she continues to deny.

Sharkman posted 2/7/2019 03:57 AM

Dr Fone will recover those texts.

Marie2792 posted 2/7/2019 04:43 AM

At the very least it appears to be an EA. Some consider this worse than a physical affair since there are feelings involved. I would suggest marriage counseling as a start because it seems like you both have had some difficulty in recent years. When our children were small, we worked our shifts areihbd who would be joke to care for the kids. As a result we were always two ships passing in the night. It took a toll on us and we separated once. I can totally see how either of us could have ended up where your wife is...sheís filling a void she felt left by you as you attended to your business and other things. This is not your fault. She has an obligation to communicate with you if things arenít right which she has to a degree. Her vows on your wedding day were promises to be side by side during good and bad.

I would recommend counseling and maybe have a conversation with the mans wife. It may change the social circle you run in, but it could also save your marriage.

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 4:49 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]

Marie2792 posted 2/7/2019 04:43 AM

Duplicate post

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 4:49 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]

OrdinaryDude posted 2/7/2019 06:14 AM

I would start by NOT talking to her just yet, unless she approaches you about it.

Definitely use DrFone to recover texts pics, etc.

If you can swing the coin, get a PI to track her for a time so that you can be conspicuously busy and not able to do so yourself.

Keep what you find to yourself until you have a more complete picture. If she is in a relationship, sit her down and tell her that you know, not suspect or think, what she is doing and she has to stop everything immediately, otherwise you will divorce, and have some D papers ready and in hand. Obviously you need to consult with a lawyer or three first to find out your rights concerning custody, finances, property, support, etc...and also if you are in an at-fault state and what that could mean to your D.

Mossanimal posted 2/7/2019 06:37 AM

Thanks for the responses. Yes Iíve considered the EA thing. The two times Iíve seen her phone Iíve not seen anything emotional on her part at all... just him and those cryptic texts. Everything was joking around and practical. No intimate sharing of any kind. Yes... Iím suspicious of those deleted texts. Her explanation is feasible. You can easily delete an entire conversation on an iPhone instead of an individual message. It was around Christmas time and they were talking about presents apparently for our kids and our kids are always playing on our phones. Who knows. That is the problem... I donít. I almost wish something did happen just so she would confess and put it all to rest. Iíve put enormous pressure on her... and she says nothing.

How would I use this Dr Phone thing without her knowing? Seems kinda shady?

Mossanimal posted 2/7/2019 06:46 AM

Also... talking to hiis wife. She is a friend of mine and I want to so badly. But the repercussions of me being wrong are huge. This is a very small community. Itís all very complicated though... not sure what we would do for friends if this Salk blows up.

Notmine posted 2/7/2019 06:56 AM

VAR in the car. Dr. Fone is not shady if she is not forthcoming. If the texting makes you uncomfortable, she should very willingly stop. If she will not, she is emotionally attached. I agree with the counseling, but the texting and contacting need to stop. You can tell the spouse of the other man that you are not saying that there is an affair, but you are uncomfortable about all of the texting. See how she feels. If you both put the quabash on the texting, you might be able to stop the progression before anything physical starts (if it has not already). Married folks take an oath to forsake all others. No. more. texting.

Mossanimal posted 2/7/2019 07:00 AM

What is meant by ĎVAR in the carí?

n8inohio posted 2/7/2019 07:27 AM

VAR Voice Audio recorder. If she has an Android phone you can log in to her Gmail account associated with her phone and see all kind of info like phone search histories and websites visited. Also if her phone location is on you can see her timeline of everywhere she has been with her phone. Also if she uses Facebook instant messenger you can download all past activity and see all message that have been deleted. You have to careful in this if you don't want her to know your looking into things. When you login to gmail from a new computer it will send a message to the phone asking if the new computer or device is ok. Also when downloading history on facebook it will send emails to her telling her when the file is ready so those have to intercepted if you are trying to be discrete. Your story sounds like mine but I hope your wrong. It pretty awful when you find the truth. In my cause I was right to be suspicious. My WW held on to the lie until I could prove without a doubt she had stepped out.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/7/2019 08:18 AM

1. Get your emotions under control. Employ the 180 as noted in the Healing Library on this site and use it to help get your head on straight. There are much worse things in life than divorce. There are many others who've experienced what you're experiencing and they're doing great in life.

2. Talk to the guys wife Moss. You don't have to go full crazy person mode. Just tell her that you've noted them spending a lot of time together and ask her if she's noticed anything odd. That will put her on alert and she'll start watching too. Tell her it may be nothing but thought it better to have two sets of eyes on it and if it turns out to be nothing then there's no harm done.

3. Sit down with your wife and tell her that if she's involved with the OM or someone else or if she wants to 'play the field' then you'll give her permission and you're fine with divorcing so she can be 'free'. Put the decision on her. Talk to a lawyer and show her divorce agreement paperwork to prove that you've already consulted with a lawyer and that you're serious about letting her go.

4. If you don't trust your wife with the opposite sex then tell her that a condition of staying together is that she not have any 'friends' of the opposite sex and that the current male 'friendship' needs to end because she's getting to close with him. She'll balk at this obviously but if she really wants her relationship with you to work, then she'll do it.

5. She needs to also give you access to all of her social and other accounts and you give her access to all of your accounts. Total openness and honesty going forward and you can each go through the other's phone and other records anytime you want. No secrets allowed.

If she doesn't agree to the above or complains constantly about it, then you know your gut is correct and you have a problem. At that point move forward with divorce proceedings. If she really cares about you, she'll stop the proceedings and do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable.

Key 1 is in keeping your emotions out of this. They only make it more convoluted and they make you look like an unreasonable jerk. Key 2 is in communicating. Speak frankly and on point. Don't rabbit trail around fictitious bushes; stay on task; don't allow yourself to be lead by others around fictitious bushes. Key 3 is in being calmly willing and ready to dump everything and everyone in order to get yourself out of drama, out of infidelity if it's happening, and to take your life back. Key 4 is in being ready for all possibilities. Whether you divorce or she conforms, be ready with a plan of action. Go through different scenarios in your mind so you're not surprised by anything.

And as a side note, we all think that our partner is the most beautiful, fit, wonderful person in the world. They're not. In order to get your head on straight you need to take your 'rose-colored' glasses off and come back to the reality that she's the same as anyone else out there; nothing special to anyone but you. And if she's a cheater, whether EA or PA, she's less special than most.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 8:34 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]

Broken5152 posted 2/7/2019 08:20 AM

If you have access to her iPhone, get an old one out of the drawer and activate it (not with the phone company, just use it on her account) using her apple ID. Go to settings and make sure it is set to receive iMessages from her phone number. You will get a copy of every message she gets, if it's through iMessage.

Robert22205https posted 2/7/2019 08:37 AM

It's reasonable for you to be suspicious. Better to loose this guy/couple as a friend than loose your wife. His interest in your wife disqualifies him as a friend of your marriage.

The volume of texts and not coming home after practice is not appropriate. She should invest that time in you and/your kids.

Her lack of response to his 'jokes' or overly familiar texts is a red flag. She should have shut the OM down in order to protect her marriage.

You both should read and discuss :Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass

The book is based on solid research and will facilitate discussing her 'friendship'.

Pursue DrFone to recover deleted texts. Don't let her reset her phone in the interim.

If she has nothing to hide would she take a polygraph test? Suggest it and see if her story changes.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:41 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]

WilliamM posted 2/7/2019 08:41 AM

They definitely have an EA going. Even if she can't see it, there relationship is inappropriate, it is. If I were you, I would not talk to her again until you have solid proof. What I fear is those times that she would normally come home are the times they may have been intimate physically with each other. The VAR is a good idea. Also, see if there are apps on her phone like WhatApp, Imessage, Instagram, or apps like that. Also check her Facebook Messenger. They may use these apps to talk more intimately because they know you are monitoring her phone. Check your phone logs as well to see how much they talk to each other. I bet it is a high volume. Calls or text when you are sleep late at night I would assume as well. Lastly, when she goes to take the kids to practice: tail her, if you can without getting caught and see what you can see. Or have someone you can trust do it for you and record what their interaction. Just some suggestions that may help you find some answers.

Butforthegrace posted 2/7/2019 08:55 AM

Back off. What I mean is, stop confronting her. She is clearly capable of going into stealth mode if she wants to.

Go into stealth mode. Put a VAR in her car.

Also put a GPS on the car.

"Bump into" the other wife and casually mention it: "So fun to watch the kids on the pitch. Seems like your husband and my wife have been really committed to soccer. It's almost like you and I are both soccer widows. Ha ha."

See if she says anything.

If you have enough money, consider hiring a PI to follow her to soccer events.

NotHisDoormat posted 2/7/2019 08:55 AM

The volume of texts and not coming home after practice is not appropriate. She should invest that time in you and/your kids.

Her lack of response to his 'jokes' or overly familiar texts is a red flag. She should have shut the OM down in order to protect her marriage.

You both should read and discuss :Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass

The book is based on solid research and will facilitate discussing her 'friendship'.

THIS! She's a married woman with children. The majority of her time and energy belongs to you and the children--not her CrossFit buddy.
You say they don't have anywhere to go to be alone, you'd be surprised at how people find ways to cheat.

She could be careful not to put too much information in text messages and their cryptic inside jokes prove that. She knows you could look at her phone and she's calling your bluff.

The VAR is a great way to see if she also calls him. Can you look at your phone bill? Get the VAR hidden in the car somewhere. A lot of cheaters will sit in a vehicle together. If she doesn't want to risk mutual friends seeing them together. Also, she could say she's going to CrossFit and they meet up somewhere else. An easy way to track her is set up and old iPhone or iPad to "find my friends" turn off the volume and hide it in her vehicle.

Is there anyway you could hire a PI or a trusted person your wife doesn't know to go to CrossFit and see what she is doing there?

None of us can say for sure if she is having a PA, she is definitely having an EA. I am hoping you caught it early and can stop it before it turns into a PA. This is your wife, don't let her do this to you.

Mossanimal posted 2/7/2019 09:35 AM

Ughh..., I wish I would not have posted this. It is making me sick.


To the person who mentioned CrossFit. Iím in it too and am friends with everybody. There is no way it is happening there. The mention of them meeting in a car hits home though. Gonna be hard to get through this day right now.

Gutpunch posted 2/7/2019 09:49 AM

Try to keep your cool and do not alert her anymore to your suspicions. I believe that this is at least an emotional affair. Do as the others stated and put a VAR in her car. Recover the deleted messages if you can do it without getting caught.

Many times people are able to retrieve deleted messages on iphones somehow from the cloud.

Good Luck and sorry you are here

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 9:50 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]

NotHisDoormat posted 2/7/2019 10:03 AM

Ughh..., I wish I would not have posted this. It is making me sick.

To the person who mentioned CrossFit. Iím in it too and am friends with everybody. There is no way it is happening there. The mention of them meeting in a car hits home though. Gonna be hard to get through this day right now.

I'm a former CrossFitter. I assume you mean you both attend the same class time? I've seen plenty of inappropriate stuff go down at the box. You get a bunch of people together with a shared interest and it's easy for problems to start.

I know it's a huge blow to the gut to find stuff. But there is hope that you've caught this before it moves onto being a full blown PA.

The book that everyone mentions by Shirley Glass is worth a read. I wish it was required reading for everyone when they apply for a marriage license.

benomania posted 2/7/2019 11:23 AM

Your story sounds similar to mine. Not much you can do without proof. Just keep your eyes peeled. You will in due time SEE NOTHING, or gather enough circumstancial evidence to make your case.
Interesting to hear you say you want the truth.
I want the same. Problem is WS don't trust us no more cause they don't know how we will react.
You will not get the truth.
It's been well over a year for me. And now, it seems she's finally coming around. That, or she's adapted and taken things under ground.
Clearly the 1st few months after DDay (Oct 2017) were a shit show. So much trickle truth, hiding, saying something and doing another, etc.....
For me, I'm done.
I can't fight any more.
1 more issue and I'm walking.
She knows this.
With or without proof I've come to the conclusion that 1 person is not worth this much pain.
I'm hoping things improve for you.
But that gut feeling is indeed A MUTHA FUCKA

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