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Not a club I thought I'd be a part of Again

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beenthereinco posted 1/14/2019 12:14 PM

He chose her. I chose divorce.

It is almost insensitive in a situation like this to say good for you but "Good For You". Standing up for yourself here is the best model you can show your children of how a person of self-respect acts. I'm sorry that this is happening to you but this attitude will keep you going through this. As to your son understand that you can't repair the relationship with his father and it isn't your job. You can and should make sure your son is healthy and not in a bad mental state but if he won't talk to his Dad or spend time with him that is your WH's fault and his consequence for this.

Good luck to you.

Furious1 posted 1/14/2019 12:52 PM

Cali, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am relieved to see you standing up for yourself in light of his choices. I hope the lawyer gives you good news.

F1

Shockedmom posted 1/14/2019 14:41 PM

While you may have changed passwords for your financials he still may go to the bricks and mortar building and mismanage your funds. Please start your own account and take half ASAP.

Caligirl16 posted 1/15/2019 14:50 PM

The last 48 hours have been busy, and emotional. I have changed all passwords and have been setting myself for financial stability - solo accounts, solo credit card, new email account etc... I have calls into law firms and a mediator to explore those options and to get the petition for divorce filed.

My son is doing ok. He is spending time with me, and his grandparents. However, he doesn't want to come home, because it is a house, not a home. The family he has stayed with knows the situation and will be talking to him tonight letting him know that he is welcome there, but he needs to take steps towards moving home and moving on. That I need him here. We will see how that goes.

My son reached out to the pastors at church and we met with them yesterday. It was a good meeting for all. I don't know what has happened, but I know they were struggling with what do do about WS's position at the church given his unchristian behavior. As a leader/staff member of the church he should be an example. They were talking about perhaps a leave of absence. That is their decision. This will be a consequence for his actions. WS texted me today to say he was talking with one of the pastors, if that would matter to me. I do sincerely hope that he gets help so that perhaps in the future he can have some sort of relationship with his children. But we are done.

I told his sister yesterday, and she was in shock. Her whole family has reached to me and the kids. We are going to her place for dinner on Sunday. She assured me, that we would always be family. I'm sure that WS is going to find he has lost all his family's love and trust (eventually extending to his aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...) His choice, not mine.

Also talked to my brother. He was not surprised and revealed some other questionable behaviors in the past that he kept quiet about because WS was my husband and the father to our kids. I think it is a good thing he lives on the other side of the country, or he would have shown up at WS door and slugged him.

Time to make more calls and do more work towards making my life as good as it can be under the circumstance.

[This message edited by Caligirl16 at 8:21 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

Furious1 posted 1/15/2019 17:42 PM

(((((Caligirl16)))))

Caligirl16 posted 1/27/2019 22:59 PM

Two weeks have passed since WS moved out. It seems like so much longer.

WS was given an ultimatum by the pastor - take a leave of absence, or move out of OW's place. He moved out and is living in the spare bedroom of a co-worker and her husband. He has been talking to the pastor and claims his moving out was a "knee jerk reaction" and he regrets it. Well the "knee jerk reaction" was when he betrayed me months ago.

I have consulted with one attorney, and have another meeting scheduled for tomorrow. I have also been in touch with counselors for my son and myself. I have also met with the pastor, which is one reason I know about the ultimatum.

WS came over yesterday to pick up some more of his things. We had very civil and emotional talk. I told him that I want a divorce. He was sorry for what he has done to all of us, and understands my decision. We seem to be on the page as far as handling of the finances (I will continue to pay all the bills, do the taxes, and his paychecks will still auto deposit into our account). We both agree that we don't want to spend thousands on attorneys, and develop increased animosity towards each other. We are going to try to settle things through mediation (with attorneys consulting). As much as this hurts now, I do want us to be able to come together to celebrate future joys (weddings, graduations, grandchildren...). We will always have a connection, unfortunately it will not be the future I had envisioned.

He says he needs help, and I hope he actually gets it.

ChamomileTea posted 1/28/2019 06:46 AM

We both agree that we don't want to spend thousands on attorneys, and develop increased animosity towards each other. We are going to try to settle things through mediation (with attorneys consulting). As much as this hurts now, I do want us to be able to come together to celebrate future joys (weddings, graduations, grandchildren...). We will always have a connection, unfortunately it will not be the future I had envisioned.

It typically takes some time for the anger to set in, so while I would agree that it's not worth arguing over the penny ante stuff, you're not going to want to be overly generous either. Right now, he's giving you his hang-dog face and eliciting sympathy, but chances are as time goes by, you're not going to want a whole lot to do with him. He'll be a package deal with the OW. Get as much as you can in the settlement, particularly whatever you can get for your kids as heirs to his eventual estate.

I'm really sorry Cali. Wish he had pulled his head out of his hindquarters.

((hugs))

Caligirl16 posted 3/5/2019 12:38 PM

Update - We had our first mediation meeting yesterday. The meeting was ok; nothing settled, just here's what we will be doing and here is your homework for our next meeting. I have secured my own attorney for advice and will be meeting with him prior to our next meeting with the Mediator.

I was a bit weepy through the whole meeting, but I think that part of me just wanted to try and get to him and his guilt. After we walked out, he came over towards me as I was walking to my car. WH made some comment about how was the meeting and I just burst into tears telling him "It Sucks!" WH said it sucked for him too. I responded through my tears to say that I never thought I would be in this situation, and he stated likewise. Then I said "well you made choices" At that point he got angry and stated "Yes I did. I'll see you" and he turned and walked away. I walked to my car where I cried for about 20 minutes. I just have to keep telling myself he is angry because he got caught, he is angry at because he refuses to acknowledge the hurt he has caused so many people because of those choices. He has always responded to guilt and uncomfortable situations with anger. I sure hope he doesn't get this way when we start talking about the big stuff. Which of course, I will be doing all the documentation for because I have all the financial records. Meanwhile, he will be at the bar with OW hoisting a few brews.

I am so angry at him for destroying our family, for the pain he has caused to those he claimed to love. As I look at him, I just feel disgust and indifference. I have no desire for him emotionally. I just hate what the selfish A**hole has done.

As for me, I am taking steps to move forward. I have taken steps to move forward in reestablishing a career. I am going to a professional mixer event tonight to start networking, and have an appointment for an informational interview next week. I am trying to channel my anger into actions that are positive for me. I've been reading and watching some self empowerment media, spending time with supportive family & friends, praying, journaling, and doing things I enjoy. I have also been focused on helping my son to move forward. Some days are great, others are a challenge. I just have to believe that in the end I will come out a better person (and hope that the Karma Bus hits WH).

The1stWife posted 3/5/2019 13:45 PM

Iím sorry this has escalated so quickly to D.

My suggestions in my January post were to have you be prepared - I never thought it would happen so quickly. M

You seem like a smart person and are hanging tough thru all of this. Good for you. Iím sorry he chose to remain a cheater.

If he was unhappy he could have done something About it and look for help. Even if he ultimately decided that he wanted a divorce, you still would have had respect for him because he was not a cheater.

Keep posting here so we can continue to support you. Best of luck to you and your family.

annanew posted 3/5/2019 14:38 PM

Then I said "well you made choices"

BRAVO. I am so glad you are standing up for yourself.

He has always responded to guilt and uncomfortable situations with anger. I sure hope he doesn't get this way when we start talking about the big stuff.

This is a sign of immaturity in my view. Unfortunately if he's always been this way, he will continue to be this way (unless he's doing some serious work on himself, which he is not).

As I look at him, I just feel disgust and indifference. I have no desire for him emotionally.

This is a good sign.

As for me, I am taking steps to move forward. I have taken steps to move forward in reestablishing a career.

The is GREAT. You are an inspiration and have been at every step. I am sure it has seemed like a rollercoaster in some ways to you, but you've truly approached everything in a very sound, grounded, rational and KIND way.

How are your kids?

Zenkitty posted 3/5/2019 14:46 PM

Dear Cali,
You have shown such strength and grace and I am so very sorry that this has happened to you again.
Seems that WH had never really done the work on himself from the first affair ten years ago and still thinks he is entitled and was still making himself available outside your marriage.
What a sad and troubled person he must be and to hurt all of his family I canít help think that he must be a very unhappy man.
You are doing well with picking up your life and being so proactive about your future. You are a wonderful example to your children.
Stay strong and brave.

Zenkitty posted 3/5/2019 14:46 PM

Dear Cali,
You have shown such strength and grace and I am so very sorry that this has happened to you again.
Seems that WH had never really done the work on himself from the first affair ten years ago and still thinks he is entitled and was still making himself available outside your marriage.
What a sad and troubled person he must be and to hurt all of his family I canít help think that he must be a very unhappy man.
You are doing well with picking up your life and being so proactive about your future. You are a wonderful example to your children.
Stay strong and brave.

Caligirl16 posted 3/6/2019 19:29 PM

I went to the mixer last night and felt so empowered. Made some good connections. Moving forward and not looking back.

Unfortunately today I do need to look back. Spending today gathering documents for the mediation. What a royal PITA. WH will have little to gather or produce. Although we are not meeting again for two weeks, I have a meeting with my consulting attorney next week, so I want everything together for that meeting.

The children are doing ok. Daughter is reaching out to her dad to help in buying her first car (as he promised to do before this all happened). However, she has no intention in really discussing anything else. She is still hurt and angry. My son has avoided his father completely - no responses to texts or emails, avoiding being in the same parts of the church. I'm not sure that there will be much of a relationship for years, if ever. WH was not the best father to our son, and their relationship was always strained. He is in counseling and getting support from family, friends, and church.

On another positive, my sister-in-law (WH's sister) and I are meeting for lunch on Saturday. She has not heard from her brother in weeks. I think he is going to find that life is very lonely (especially after the OW is tired of him).

redrock posted 3/6/2019 20:44 PM

Sending you hugs tonight. Your WHís benavior is so cowardly textbook. Look for him to try to victimize himself and change narrative. Ugh.

I think itís awesome that you are getting yourself back out there. I got my first full time job in 18 years at 50. Going strong and loving it. There is life out there waiting for you!

For all the suckage there will be rays of light. Sending you my best.

PS Strange to me that the church let Him stay in his position. He didnít end the behavior, just the flagrant living with his side piece. He should be in no position to feign faith.

Caligirl16 posted 3/6/2019 21:11 PM

Redrock,

I agree with you, but it is not my decision to make. I don't want to push the issue at this time with the pastors, as I think it would piss WH off, and make him less cooperative in mediation. After an agreement is signed, then we will see what happens.

It is obviously not a "calling" for his faith. This is a hobby to play with sound gear and get paid for it. I go to Bible studies, retreats, help out with youth activities, etc... He has no interest in doing those things. This "job" feeds his ego, as everyone thinks he does such a wonderful job, and they are so thankful that he is there to support the audio visual needs of the church. A faithful man does not break one of the "top ten."

redrock posted 3/6/2019 21:27 PM

Totally understand your points and reasoning.

You have to pick your battles.

It just sucks when those in authority, it happens at churches, in jobs, volunteer groups etc. choose silence and inaction. Condoning by omission.

Not really the biggest issue in your life right now to impose fairness in society. 😀

Rooting for you! Hoping fear of exposure motivates him to put pen to paper!

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