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Not a club I thought I'd be a part of Again

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Caligirl16 posted 1/12/2019 16:25 PM

Iím doing ok today. Weíve been busy putting away all the Christmas stuff. Of course while doing this I am thinking this might be the last time we all do this together. As weíve been working, WS has managed to have an ongoing text conversation with OW. I wish I knew what they were texting, all I can do is monitor the usage on our mobile account and see the repeats of her cell number. Itís nice that she doesnít have an iPhone so these are texts and not iMessages which donít show up on the usage.

Iím sure we will talk tonight. Iím ready with my ďdemandsĒ and paint the picture of the future either working towards R or towards D. Either way, he will have consequences. I am not feeling emotional, but rather a bit empowered and ready to calmly and rationally lay out for home what he will be facing and what I will require for any chance of recovery & reconciliation.

gmc94 posted 1/12/2019 17:02 PM

Hugs and hope you are ok.
Personally, I'd talk to a lawyer before I confronted.....

Reading this makes me so doggone ANGRY. I'm impressed you were able to be calm enough to not confront at OW's house.

RubixCubed posted 1/12/2019 17:26 PM

In your chat tonight ask for/take his phone as one of your terms of R.No need to tell him why, as a matter of fact, I'd probably hold off on confronting him about anything until you can't stand not to confront. Give him enough rope. Do not give him 5 seconds with his phone after you ask or he will delete everything he can if he hasn't already.

psychmom posted 1/12/2019 17:43 PM

Just want to add that I am very sorry you are dealing with this again, Caligirl. It's easy to sit here and say "I'd be done", harder to be the one facing a new DDay and all it entails. Getting your financials in order, taking care of yourself and your kids . . . first things first. he and his OW don't seem to be going anywhere very fast. Ugh. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and very angry for you.

Caligirl16 posted 1/12/2019 23:44 PM

So I confronted him. No denial. Gave him my conditions - no contact, no contact with the fantasy football, access to all passwords, IC. He doesnít want to cut off contact with her and not sure he wants to save the marriage. He wants to think. I am on my way to tell my parents. WS says he will talk to our kids tomorrow (as will I). I am so worried about my sons reaction. Tomorrow I will talk to the minister and WSí sisters. I do fear this is the end.

RubixCubed posted 1/13/2019 00:07 AM

Do you really want to stay with a husband that has to think about who he chooses between a bar floozy and his wife? If for some strange reason you do, strong decisive action to get yourself out of infidelity is the only thing that MAY work. See a lawyer and file. If he puts in the hard work to win YOU back then maybe you can reconsider, but until then it takes two to reconcile. You can't do it by yourself and you can't do it if he shows no remorse(which he is not).

Tren0R201 posted 1/13/2019 02:54 AM

He needs to understand all that he will lose - family, friends, finances, stability

He wont lose it. He's already told you what will happen, he wants to "reconcile" but he doesn't want to go to MC. This is the second time he's cheated THAT YOU KNOW OF.

Been caught twice, you haven't left. A thief steals and gets away with it, gets the reward of not having to work for something of value that they wouldn't odinarily acheieve. So it emboldens them, hence a thief never steals just once, if they can get away with it then they continue to do it. Even when caught they weigh the risk reward if they should do it again.

In this case every so often your husband gets to have girlfriends and a separate life.

nekonamida posted 1/13/2019 08:31 AM

Cali, make an appointment with a lawyer ASAP. There's a chance that he will use this time to plan out a new life with the OW. Be prepared. Don't be blindsided by him serving you D papers. Make sure you have a plan if that does happen.

ChamomileTea posted 1/13/2019 09:29 AM

So, while he's "thinking", start getting your ducks in a row. Get your financial documentation together and see an attorney. Start the 180. Get STD testing.

I know how surreal it is to see some stranger wearing your husband's face, but he's not someone you can trust right now. The OW is pouring poison in his ear and it might be his lips moving, but chances are good that the first phone call/text he made after the confrontation was to her. That was certainly the case with my WH.

You are not an option. You're his WIFE. When this happened to me, I just told him flatly that I wanted a divorce. He said fine by him. Then he went and squalled to the last of the OWs, the one he thought he was in love with. I told him he could split the banking and I'd find us a lawyer. Honestly though, I think he sat down and did the math, and within a couple of days he was asking me for thirty days to prove he could be trusted. I gave him the thirty days.. and he used it to try to keep his options open. When I caught him in contact again, I told him to decide whether he wanted to be married or not, and not later, right there and then. He was either in or he was out and his decision would be final.
This wasn't a gambit. I meant every word of it. I was done. We're only still together because he finally understood that.

You gave him the path home, which is more than he deserves. Just remember that the longer you allow him to jerk you around, the less seriously he's going to take you. It's okay to allow some time, maybe a month or so. At first these midlife guys are stunned when they're caught. They're still fully engaged in their alternate fantasy life and the OW operates them like a ventriloquist's dummy. They're uncertain as to whether there really is a viable path back to the marriage.
But as the shock fades and reality sets in, you either make a clear line in the sand or they continue their wayward behavior.

This very well might be the end of the marriage, I'm not gonna kid you. So, the only option left is to treat it as such.

Hang in there, Cali. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're already handling this thing like a boss.


Caligirl16 posted 1/13/2019 09:35 AM

My parents were wonderful - not that I expected otherwise. They were not 100% surprised. They saw he was distant from not only me, but everyone. They are there for me and the kids as we travel this terrible road. They are such a wonderful example of what a marriage should be. I am lucky to have their love and support.

I told WS that I think we both need to talk to the kids together. I want to be sure that he is honest. The logistics to do this are a bit challenging, as my daughter lives about an hour away, but we will make it work, even if it means an awkward car ride.

The more I mill over his reaction and comments, the more I feel that R will not happen. He would really need to take some time alone, get serious counseling with work at self reflection and then be willing to put in a hurculean effort to regain my trust. I donít think this is in him.

I changed the passwords on all our banking online accounts, so he canít go in and make any large transfers. I will plan to meet with a lawyer this week and take any additional action needed to protect myself.

I also want to talk with his sisters ASAP. They and their families are and always will be my family. I know blood may be thicker than water, but WS has been distant from them too. I want them to know my feelings and too be assured that my kids will continue to have a good relationship with their aunts, uncle and cousins.

Now to get ready for church. I think their will be a lot of prayers today and in the weeks ahead.

gmc94 posted 1/13/2019 10:23 AM

Just sending hugs and positive thoughts to you today, CaliGirl.

Sadwife53 posted 1/13/2019 14:28 PM

I donít have much to add except to say Iím so sorry that this happened to you twice. Iím sending hugs and prayers, and letting you know youíre not alone.
Iím the same age as you, also married over 30 years, also with troubled adult children. I found out 16 months ago that my husband was having a 10 month long affair with a coworker/ drinking buddy. It amazes me how so many of these stories are the same. You sound strong and seem to be doing well under the circumstances.

Iím sure you know, but Iíll say it again, this has nothing to do with you. You are a good loyal woman who deserves an honest man who loves only you. This man who made a promise to love, honor and cherish you and is now having an affair is 100% responsible for his choices. If he was ďunhappy for yearsĒ, he couldíve let you in on that secret so the two of you could have worked on your marriage, or he could have asked you for an open marriage or divorce. There is no excuse for what he did. When I was in your situation I knew this in my brain, but it took me time to know this in my heart. It is just pure evil selfishness on their part. I think many waywards do come this conclusion eventually, but it takes awhile because they have been working hard to believe their own lies for such a long time. I hope your WS gets it sooner rather than later.

Terrain posted 1/13/2019 15:01 PM

Iím sorry you are going through this but it sounds like you have a great support system in place and that you are a strong independent person. I hope some day he is filled with regret and that you are already happily moved on in your next chapter!

PricklePatch posted 1/13/2019 18:17 PM

Sending you thoughts and prayers.

fareast posted 1/13/2019 19:43 PM

I am sorry you are going through this again. It is a terrible betrayal. Strength to you moving forward. Iím glad you have good support. Get IC for you if you can. Detach from him as best you can given your family situation. Prayers for your children. No contact equals no new hurts. Sending you healing vibes.

annanew posted 1/13/2019 23:30 PM

Hugs. Heís still in fantasy land. As soon as you start telling people and he starts thinking things through, I bet he will ask for R. Donít fall for it. Actions, not words.

Caligirl16 posted 1/14/2019 00:20 AM

So today he/we told the children that their dad was moving out and moving in with OW. He was at least honest with them (after so much lying). Daughter reacted with tears and questions. After WS left her apartment, we went out for margaritas and had a good talk about the situation and other girl things.

Son however left in tears and I have not seen him since. He is at a friends house and is spending the night. I have texted him and talked to him today on the phone. I hope to see him and talk to him tomorrow, but he says he may not see me. He seems to be okay with me, but is hurting and furious with his dad - rightfully so. Iím giving him space and as long as he is responding to me, Iím sure he will come back home, but Iím sure that the relationship with his dad will be tenuous at best.

WS has taken some of his stuff and moved out, and in with her. He told the kids that he is still not sure where the future will go. He may not, but I do. He chose her. I chose divorce.

So tomorrow, contact an attorney and make sure I am protecting myself and the kids

[This message edited by Caligirl16 at 12:26 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 1/14/2019 07:19 AM


You are doing good things here. You are showing your kids that it's ok to demand the love and respect you deserve. It may not feel great now, but you are doing really well.

((((And Strength))))

ChamomileTea posted 1/14/2019 07:34 AM

I'm so sorry. My adult son is tenderhearted and tends to curl in on himself too. As a mom, it's really hard when they won't let you comfort them, even when they're grown up. Mostly, whenever anything happens, I just keep reminding him I'm here to talk and eventually he checks in.

The good folks in the Separation/Divorce forum can help you with tips like getting your kids written in on the settlement as beneficiaries, things like that.

In terms of emotional support, I hope you'll consider getting in with a good counselor who is well-trained in trauma therapy. I waited for two years and really suffered more than I had to. EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) was super helpful for me, but I hear that the sooner it's started the better the results.

You might also read through a copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I like how she incorporated explanations of the effects on the brain and body, as well as offering a bit of a starter tool-kit for getting back in touch with the identity. We lose so much through the years, wearing so many different hats. Sometimes, we've lost touch with our core.


nekonamida posted 1/14/2019 11:59 AM

Cali, you are strong. You've got this. You won't be his second choice when things aren't so great anymore with the OW.

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