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A should not be the center of my life

Newme2018 posted 1/11/2019 13:17 PM

I have been through the stage that A was the only and sole focus of my life and I was miserable and hopeless. It took me half a year to dig myself out of the black hole - I could not work, could not cope with kidsí needs, had fight with WH involving 911. Itís very ugly and dark.

I read tons of books, forums, whatever I can get access to on A. The finding is that Iím not alone and everyoneís situation is different. There are lots of threads here helped me along the rocky route. I want to share my rear-mirror reflection on this tough journey even though Iím not 100% sure of the future of my marriage. What I can say is that now our marriage is way much better than before, even though I had a publicly considered happy marriage to begin with.

After I realized that I can carmly face the shameless AP, I called her with two purposes: 1: warn her if she dares to contact WH again( she did send an email, which triggered my call), I will disclose the A in public 2: to proove she indeed is a slut as all my existences pointed and see how she would respond to my call. The call lasted one hour, i am 100% confident that she is a serial AP from multiple affairs. Her tears were either fake or out of being scared that I will disclose her ugly side in public.

Whatís more important is that all the time I was suffering, she moved on with no regret. She is dating WHís boss now. I feel so sorry for her child. This stuck me as why I am dragging WH down to the painful black hole with me, while this slut continues to enjoy her lust desire? WH and AP Should be punished, not me. I cannot continue to have A as the center of my life to consume my time and energy. I come back to SI to pay it forward, otherwise I would completely move on. A happened and itís impossible to rewind. Life moves on and now I have the capability to be happy again.

My relationship with WH is better. But he is never again a must have in life. I only trust myself, the way it should be to begin with.

For those who are working on putting A behind, focus on yourself and children, intentionally deviate your attention to other places more rewarding with positive attitude. Life can still be good after A, becaus for me, itís the first time I really took time to pond on human nature, marriage, and happiness. I was reborn.

fareast posted 1/11/2019 14:41 PM


Thank you for this update. Many can learn from your example. You went thru all the difficult, emotional stages and emerged stronger than before. In August, 2018 you posted: ď I may never get over it (the A) but I will try to grow out of it.Ē And so you have. You have taken this awful experience to learn and process and become a better and stronger you. You looked at the aftermath of the A, and asked ďWhy should I be the only one suffering?Ē And then you moved ahead. The A no longer defines you. Your WH and you are rebuilding your M but you now have a clearer focus on what your M is and can be. You focused on becoming a better you for yourself and your children. Kudos to you for setting a wonderful example. 😎

[This message edited by fareast at 2:42 PM, January 11th (Friday)]

Newme2018 posted 1/11/2019 23:05 PM

Thanks for everything, fareast. Really appreciate your continuous encouragement!

sewardak posted 1/12/2019 09:03 AM

" I cannot continue to have A as the center of my life to consume my time and energy. "

I get this.. and I don't see it happening to anyone here long term. But, when a trauma happens its natural for it to consume you. You turn it off when you're ready. You body and mind work together to determine this.
I just don't want newbies here to get discouraged if they haven't moved past it yet. I'm not sure its simply a decision to be made, but one you grow out of, as you said.
1/2 a year of being in a black hole sounds about right. There is nothing unnatural about that.

Lovehurts777 posted 1/12/2019 12:08 PM

This is the only place on earth that I can go to and feel normal. I'm so thankful for SI.

Yep, I talk about the A every day. I'm tired of it but I can't stop. I know my brain is attempting to resolve a big problem. This morning I realized I needed to take off my rose colored glasses and reassess our whole relationship. Wow do things look different. I realize that I will not be able to stop the need to talk about it for a very long time. I shouldn't have to and WH should accept that. Its possible that he won't be able to handle it and may not want to continue. That will be on him.

Newme2018 posted 1/12/2019 12:59 PM

When I was in the black hole and all I wanted to talk about was A, I came to SI. I read other threads or post myself. Itís the only warm place for me at that moment.

Everyoneís experience and situation is different. We will all be fine at own pace. It doesnít matter if R worked out or not, what matters is that time as the best therapy will help us heal. Iím not if I will ever fullly recover, but if I can grow out of this pain, maybe nothing is in vain, although if I had a choice- no A in life

sassylee posted 1/13/2019 19:48 PM


You have a pm.

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