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Screwing up my own relationship

Lonelygirl10 posted 1/10/2019 23:08 PM

I've been dating a guy for a little over 8 months. Things were going great. And then it's like we hit the 8 month mark, and I freaked out in my head. He's done nothing different at all. He's still the same guy that he's been since I met him. But I'm suddenly feeling trapped, scared, and like I want to bolt. I don't get it. Nothing changed at all. I feel angry at him without having a reason to feel angry. All the little reasons I loved him are now bothering me. I think I'm probably triggering, but I don't know why or how to snap myself out of it. It's like I'm watching myself sabotage my relationship. I can see myself doing it, and I can't seem to stop it. Gah.

I like this guy. Really like him. He's down to earth, cute, fun, willing to talk about stuff, trustworthy. He leaves his phone unlocked and open all the time, which just amazes me. He listens, and he's an over thinker like me which I find adorable.

But I'm in a bad mood and can't snap myself out of it. I traveled solo for the first time in awhile. We did great while I was on the trip. Then there's just been a disconnect since I've been home. I'm noticing it more in myself than in him. He's still talking and joking, and it's like I'm watching from a distance unable to connect. And then I got mad at something dumb today, and totally overreacted. This is the longest and most healthy relationship I've had in 5 years. What the heck is my problem.

I've always wanted to be married, and now I'm thinking.. ehhh... maybe not. I mean, my schedule is crazy. I work until 9 or 10 every night. I love my alone time. I don't want to see him every night. I have my nights with him, and I have my nights alone. I like my nights alone. Plus, combining finances and stuff? Scary as heck. He's not talking marriage though. This is all in my own head. I just see it going down the path toward that. And I'm not sure that's what I want. Plus, how do I know that he's even the right person. What if I spend years with him, and then I fall out of love? Or we start fighting? And my solo travel - what happens with that? I already want to start planning my trip for next Christmas, and I feel this weird sort of pull to spend the holidays with him. But it's so far out, and I'm such a big planner that I'd normally go ahead and book a trip now for next Christmas.

I'm totally overthinking. I can feel myself creating distance with him, and I'm worried I'll screw it up so much that it's not fixable.

EvenKeel posted 1/11/2019 07:59 AM

Are you projecting things on him that aren't even issues? You are stressing about solo traveling, alone time, etc. and maybe those are not even issues with him? My SO would be with my 24x7 if he could. Whereas, I need space. He knows this and we have a compromised schedule.

There is nothing wrong with that if you both understand it and are on the same page.

Ditto for M or living together. I was clear with all the guys in my NB that I would not be cohabitating at least until my kiddos are gone and I would probably never M. I have no issues with being in a committed relationship but I can get smothered-overwhelmed as well so I understand what you are saying.

Maybe folks opt so maintain two separate households because they like 'their' time as well as 'couple' time.

If you really like him and know this isn't a 'him' issue, then decide what you can do to help you from feeling like you have to flee, etc.

I.will.survive posted 1/12/2019 06:42 AM

I agree with what EvenKeel wrote...100%

Your comments definitely sound like you fear messing with your own way of doing things. The guy is great, dating is great, but when it comes down to it, you don't want to lose your independence.

Maybe you fear that he will try and change that? I don't know how you EVER know someone is the right person, but I do believe you have a gut feeling and you WANT to be with them.

And I believe you do want to be with him. But you also want your space. Totally understandable! I am that way myself. Two households is how I like to operate. I'm so ridiculous that I like two beds on vacation (same room of course!) so that I don't have to listen to snoring in my ear or be snuggled to death when it's time to actually sleep.

As long as you can verbalize your fears to your boyfriend(which now is a good time to do it!) maybe he will be on the same page? No rush to cohabitate, no fear you are holding him back from marriage...if that's his goal.

Tripletrouble posted 1/13/2019 19:47 PM

Oh Lonelygirl this made me laugh and I mean this in the nicest way possible. I met my new husband and just totally freaked myself out. I'm still doing it, and we are already married.

I know for me there was a lot of trauma from my NPD XH and it has left me with poor communication and conflict resolution skills. Fortunately my new H has the patience of Job.

Can you bring these things up with your SO? It's not easy. It can feel like you are creating an issue if you give voice to the wild thoughts in your head. Your concerns are worth a conversation.I have found that when I work up the nerve to say something, a conversation usually puts the whole thing to bed really quickly.

I wish you luck. Starting over in a serious relationship is not for the faint of heart when you have been through what we have. I am happy to say though that there are excellent outcomes and I am one of them!

wildbananas posted 1/14/2019 09:22 AM

I totally understand... my SO and I have been together 5.5 years. We have our own places and they're literally three houses apart. It's the best arrangement ever! Neither of us want to cohabitate; we both like together time and alone time. (I told him flat out before we started dating that I was not interested in blending households or cohabitating. Luckily, he felt the same.) I can't say if that will ever change in the future but for now, it works pretty darn well for us!

I too think you should bring this up with your SO, too. I'll bet you'll feel a lot better once you do. And who knows, maybe he feels the same?

[This message edited by wildbananas at 9:24 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

TrustGone posted 1/16/2019 12:26 PM

I remember feeling the same way when I was first dating my new husband (married less than a year now). I had already been down two XWH's and had no desire at the time to do anything more than date. I let him know this right off the bat. He was very respectful of my feelings and understood where I was coming from at the time. We both took the relationship very slowly, but made the commitment to be exclusive. The 1st time he asked me to marry him, I said, "no". I was not finished healing and I just felt no desire to take the relationship to the next level at that time. He was very understanding, but I knew it hurt him. His wife died a few years prior and he had never went through the trauma of infidelity, so I knew he probably didn't understand why I was so afraid of marrying again. I didn't want to hurt him but I also didn't want to wind up in another marriage where I hid my feelings. I took my time because I owed it to myself to trust my feelings. We did eventually marry 2 1/2 years after we met and he is a wonderful husband.

IMO, you need to trust your feelings. If you are getting mad over nothing there is a reason and you need to explore that with yourself and also with him. Being frightened of a new relationship is normal after the trauma we were put through. He won't understand that if he has never experienced it. He will carry on with no clue to your feelings if you don't verbalize them in a productive way. Although he didn't cause the trauma he needs to understand it and why you feel the way you do right now. It made a world of difference in how I felt when I learned to trust myself and my decisions for myself.

If you want alone time, solo vacations, etc..then you need to tell him that. If he really cares he will respect that and give you the time you need. You have to do what makes you happy without worrying about putting yourself first. Since we can only make ourselves happy it stands to reason that we need to do just that. It took me awhile to realize that myself because I had never did it before and it sounded selfish to do it, but I'm glad I did.

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