SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

AlphaSilvr posted 1/5/2019 11:48 AM

Its been awhile. I feel I can't contribute much, but I do check in often. I wish I could help others. I still feel so broken, though.

So its possible I have BPD on top of the Anxiety and BiPolar II disorders. It explains a few things but treatment is the same as always, just a bit more focus on certain areas. Either way, having a name is nice but it still sucks.

I tried dating. It lasted 2 weeks and we are still in contact, but essentially she reminded me of my Ex way to much. As friends we may work, we will see, but as SOs, definitely not. At least she was understanding. I learned I don't want kids and that its OK not to settle. So there is that.

Now for the PTSD and Memories thing...

I have been flashing back a lot lately to the Ex's lies, manipulations, cheating... everything in the last 15 years that I pushed aside thinking I was crazy and paranoid (she even called me crazy and paranoid when I would tell her what I was thinking...).

New Year's day, though, I had a nightmare. It bothered me because it was a lucid nightmare and it dug up some very strong emotions. I started to recall old memories. Things from when I was a child into my teenage years. Nothing particularly horrible, but things that could be construed as being abused by my then "friends".

Then I started to remember a huge chunk of life I had forgotten... When my first son was born I ended up in the hospital numerous times for depression and a couple of suicide attempts (one of which the Ex said she wanted to leave... but because she was a "good wife" decided to just stay with me and pretend to be there).
Due to the worsening of my mental health I didn't think I was ready to handle another child. My Ex insisted, and because its her way or the highway we had another one despite my direct opposition to the idea. Now, I absolutely love my second son.
But in the beginning of her wanting another child I told her no. I didn't even want to have sex most of the time. But she gets her way no matter what. I recalled at least once for sure that I told her no repeatedly, but she wanted that child so I didn't get a say in it.

For 15 years I thought I had someone that would live up to never abusing me because she saw what others did to me. It turns out I just jumped from the frying pan and into the fire.

I don't know what I am looking for, I just wanted to say all of that before it completely consumes me. Thank you, everyone.

josiep posted 1/5/2019 11:59 AM

I started having really weird and vivid dreams and was told that it was part of my healing, that my brain was using dreams to help process some of pain. And your post was interesting because it made me realize that it was after I had those dreams that I also began to remember a lot of small details about my life experiences. And those memories have helped me figure out so much. And I've gained so many insights from it.

It's good to get these things written out. I keep a journal when my thoughts are racing so fast and coming in a million miles per hour. I even bought a small voice activated recorder so I could blurt them out and have them recorded so I could refer to them later when I had a chance to think about them.

[This message edited by josiep at 2:12 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

traicionada posted 1/7/2019 09:29 AM

Are you in IC? If so, have you talk to your therapist about these new symptoms?

AlphaSilvr posted 1/7/2019 13:02 PM

josiep - I am glad to have helped. :) I try to journal, but I rarely keep it up. :(

traicionada - I am in IC and I see her this Thursday.

Why do they get to move on, be horrible people but have people rally behind them telling them they are a good person for leaving? Why do they get to lie and cheat but we suffer?

Years of what I know know is just more abuse, what may actually be rape, lies, cheating... everything she claimed I did, she has done... but if I say anything, I am a horrible monster that treats her like garbage... but she is supported by friends, her family... and possibly even some of my own extended family.

People are awful, horrible creatures.

TrustGone posted 1/7/2019 13:46 PM

This process is hard and it's not fair to the BS for sure. However no one told us life was fair. We were treated horribly by the person who was suppose to love us the most and that hurts. You are just recently divorced and have not had time to process everything yet. That takes time. In the meantime try and concentrate on you and you alone.