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The Way Forward

HelloPeter posted 1/3/2019 14:25 PM

Dear Friends,

I would simply like advice from anyone that has traveled the same path, perhaps you have been through the same feelings/emotions.

My quick background;

Married for 12 years.

Wife cheated for several years with various men, discovered it on iTunes backups in February 2017. In March 2017 I discovered another two affair partners.

In September 2017 I found more information which contradicted her story over the past 8 months of trying to reconcile, to be honest it was impossible anyway.

Moved out of her and our children's home in late September.

We are still in the process of divorce and I hope to have it settled before end February.

She is a natural born lier and manipulator, I don't actually think she is capable of telling the truth.

My questions for you today:

1. ) A lot of the hurt and anger has subsided, although it does pop up very strongly every now and then.

We are at a stage where I talk to her about the past (without much openness from her, yet she answers everything without asking any questions about me), I am actually capable of talking to her without losing my cool, we can visit restaurants and do activities with our children together.

The problem is that I keep bringing up questions about the past at almost every opportunity where we are alone, why am I doing this, it is as if I simply can't help myself. Has this become a habit, am I subconsciously still working through everything?

2.) She has basically moved on already after 3 months of me moving out, by this I mean she has already found someone else, they are just friends according to her, but I can see the "couple/relationship" signs from a mile away.
Why on earth is this bothering me? It feels a lot like she is cheating again, yet we are separated...

3.) I am trying to turn the anger and hate into a friendly/friendship with her to make things easier, but in doing so by communicating with her more and this in turn has led to a different kind of emotion, one where I can see she is moving on, already has someone else, where as I don't and seeing how she simply does not care anymore (not that I really think she ever did)

Is this way too soon, am I simply setting myself up for more hurt?

Thank you to anyone for their thoughtful responses.

[This message edited by HelloPeter at 2:27 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

fareast posted 1/3/2019 15:44 PM


Sorry you are going through this but you will receive support. Your WW is a remorseless cheater. She does not care about you. She has narcissistic tendencies and behaviors.

There is a simple absolutely true saying: No contact equals no new hurts. Period. No chit chats. Not friends. You need to work at detaching and the realization of what she has shown herself to be. An abusive cheating W. You need only speak to her about custody and finance issues. That’s it. Look up “gray rocking”. You communicate but there is no emotion involved. You are working to get to indifference and “meh”. It will take time but you will get there. You need to be in IC if you have not started. Do not waste any more emotional energy on questions about the past.

Focus on taking care of you. Get to the gym. Exercise. Pursue your hobbies or start new ones. Eat healthy. Make new friends. Volunteer. Get out and live.

Please look at my tag line: “Never bother with things in your rearview mirror.”

Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 5:17 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

traicionada posted 1/4/2019 10:52 AM

Are you in IC? For some people, anger isn’t a bad thing. I needed to find my anger in order to crawl away from despair. Without anger, I would have stayed stuck in limbo for a lot longer than I did. How do you relate to anger?

HelloPeter posted 1/4/2019 12:14 PM

Anger, that would be an understatment to how I handled the situation. Keep in mind I was confronted with an initial discovery in February, made a huge financial commitment to move away and start fresh.

Was actually doing pretty well up until March when that little detective bug bit (my gut) Found the shit storm of evidence, dating three years back, I was told for the past month nothing else happened.

If I could give anyone advice, always trust your gut, its always right.

Then in September I literally stumbled upon more pushing the date back even further.

Thus, I had three occurrences of the same thing, new, new, new. Just when you start dissolving the anger, you are hit by new stuff.

Upon discovering the last part, I completely lost it, became abusive, it was no longer about reconciliation, but about revenge. I removed myself from the situation about a week later.

IC didn't help at all, I saw straight through every counsellor, they simply nod and proceed to book the next appointment.

Being thrown with a protection order because I was trying to see my children obviously didn't help much. There was a stage where I couldn't have a conversation with her without being overly angry.

I never abused physically, but verbally I lost it. I guess when I finally got everything out it felt better.

traicionada posted 1/4/2019 14:47 PM

I guess it’s safe to say that you let “anger” cloud your better judgement and then some. With that in mind, what could be a more constructive outlet for your anger? Obviously, becoming verbally abusived is not healthy behavior, so what can you do about it? Think small and concrete things. Also, are you able to see your children now?

hardtimesinlife posted 1/4/2019 15:39 PM

I'd say acting friendly for the sake of the kids and keeping the peace is fine but really, she's not your friend. I mean, crap, friends don't treat people the way she treated you.

She should not get the benefit of your friendship. That is reserved for those who deserve it.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. You found the right place for help. Welcome

HelloPeter posted 1/5/2019 08:10 AM

Being a very placid person, anger is something I rarely revert to, but this brought up a different side I never knew existed.

It was predominantly dealt with by taking boxing classes, reading a lot of Echkart Tolle and meditation.

What pushed me over the edge was when she decided to use "financial abuse" as the basis for a protection order, keep in mind I was slapped with this order while trying to see my boys.

It absolutely shatters your perception of someone when they know what they did, but yet they think keeping you from your children would be the best resolution, to push you into a corner.

I've been thinking about this for a while, how do we compare this, how do we compare infidelity of this magnitude. I haven't quite found something on google, any reasonable study concerning the impact of this, the comparison there off. It's difficult trying to explain to people how the first few months were.

traicionada posted 1/7/2019 09:27 AM

Affairs are IEDs...Improvised explosive devices are bombs constructed and deployed in unconventional warfare Life is good and then BAM! Life is total chaos
That’s how infidelity felt like; thus, there was no a step-to-step guide to detect or disarm the attack which was so infuriating I so desperately wanted a roadmap out of chaos.
On the bright side, there’s ton of help available from survivors from both people who have experienced and people who have caused the pain. I joined several support groups and I am so glad I did. In the beginning, I just sat there, listened and cried. Those groups provided me with a safe space to mourn the lost. There was no need to explain why I was so all over the place because each one of those people knew first hand what I was going through.

josiep posted 1/7/2019 10:28 AM

I'm so sorry that things have gone so wrong.

I encourage you to find a new counselor, one who understands the trauma of infidelity and can treat PTSD. And learn how to do the deep breathing that calms the amygdala in your brain, it really helps keep the anxiety and feelings of panic from overwhelming you.

There's a national program called Divorce Care that might be helpful to you, as well. The classes are somewhat religious but if that's not your thing, you'll still benefit from the class. And from meeting the other people who come. There's something about getting to talk to others who have been betrayed on this level that helps us hold onto our sanity.

All the best to you.

TrustGone posted 1/7/2019 14:39 PM

Multiple DDay's is hard. It's enough to push anyone to lash out in anger (verbally, not physically). Just the fact that we never really knew the person we were married to is like a slap in the face. Seeing them finally for who they really are is part of the BS's healing process. There is no way around it. You have to go through it to get to the other side. Living an authentic life and being the best parent we can be is our revenge in a sense. This does not include being friendly with your STBX. You can be civil, but you need to draw the line on being too friendly. She is not your friend. No contact except for kids and finances. You basically have to become a "grey rock". Show no emotions, good or bad, when you have to have contact. She is no longer your monkey, and her life is no longer your circus. (((HUGS)))

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