Return to Forum List

Return to New Beginnings® > New Beginnings

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Kids being separated

TheKarmaTrain posted 1/3/2019 11:16 AM

Divorced 3.5 years. 1.5 yrs ago my daughter discovered the truth about her dad and has since decided for now that she does not want a relationship with him. I tried encouraging and gently nudging but she's a strong, independent 14yo and I've decided to sit back and just be a solid, consistent parent for her to lean on and talk to whenever she needs to. We have the best relationship we've ever had and she's doing great navigating the middle school years along side this shitshow. 12yo son knows most of what his dad did however still worships him and begs for his attention (asshat continuously prioritizes his gf and her kids and pushes my son to do "brady bunch" activities on his time with him. I think he's so afraid that his dad will just close the door on him if he says no, so he reluctantly goes along on these brutal activities. Said activities have now morphed into joint family vacations. I worry that my kids are apart more and more now. They have such an amazing bond and these years are so important to grow it. Anyone dealing with one child who has no relationship and how are you handling the kids?

LilBlackCat posted 1/3/2019 19:12 PM

It's rough, I know...

WW would only invite the younger 3 for outings with AP when she would visit.. and my eldest took it hard.

Besides, doing what you are doing.. There's not much more you can do.. just be there for them and they know where the foundation and real love is at.

Phoenix1 posted 1/3/2019 19:50 PM

I think you are doing the best thing under the shit circumstances. Both kids are at or close to the age that a court would listen to them in terms of visitation so let them decide, even if they decide differently.

Maybe when they are both with you try to work in activities the three of you can do together, to try to keep their relationship close and solid even if they do spend time apart due to sperm donor visitation.

shakentocore posted 1/3/2019 20:15 PM

My two kids live in the same household (I reconsiled with fWH), and from the time DD turned 14 they at times have led totally separate lives. DD is always with a friend or two or ten; DS is more of a homebody. As long as you encourage family time when both kids are with you they will continue to have that bond.

Mom4ever posted 1/12/2019 07:52 AM

My children and I are going through this also. Sounds like you are handling it as best as anyone could. The only other thing I can think of would be counseling for you and the kids if problems arose or you felt it needed.

My 3 kids are spread over 10 years (23, 19, &13) and are 2 boys and a girl. DDay was 5 1/2 yrs ago. So my oldest had already narrowed it down to a couple of women he figured it was happening with (actually both were involved somewhat) and already did not have a close relationship with dad. My daughter is who told me (bless her) and she and dad were court ordered to a trauma counselor who eventually recommended to the judge that her relationship and visitation be left up to her (which I continued to encourage but ultimately didnít work out). And our youngest son still visits and craves for his attention and continues to be disappointed and hurt. IT IS SO HARD TO WATCH YOUR CHILDREN BE PLAYED AGAINST EACH OTHER!

Be their constant, love them unconditionally, try helping each have compassion for the others and understand they each are responsible for what kind of relationship they want and they donít have to be the same, and spend good quality time with them all together. I use the same counselor with the youngest. Anger is a normal response with boys. She helps him sort through emotions and gives him tools to cope. She has told me there is really nothing else I can do. He will probably make the same decision as the older two but may decide to just keep on or even be turned away from me. But I need to just continue raising him with the same constant as I did the other two.

Itís so bad that other people ask if my ex is really the father of our two oldest... youngest son got a full Christmas from his dad, daughter got a card with a $50 check in it, and oldest son got nothing... of course, youngest son had to deliver card to his sister. Ex has been asked and ordered to not put him in the middle and he still does.

I pray and believe eventually youngest will see it for what it is and understand. He can choose to have a relationship or not at that point, either is fine, actually would be healthier for him if he does. But I think he has watched dad completely throw three people (me and his siblings) out of his life and so on some level he understands that his dad could throw him out of his life also without hesitation or even slowing down. Itís really just sad for all involved. Oldest son didnít go to as much counseling because of his age and he didnít want to. Daughter was court ordered as I said. She thanks me now for it. She has told me that as hard as it was and as much as she hated it, she is better off for it. It forced her to deal with some things and she sees the oldest still struggle with them. So I will always encourage others to go to counseling as much as they need to.

Return to Forum List

Return to New Beginnings

© 2002-2020 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy