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My and withholding sex in marriage

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Daisy73 posted 1/2/2019 16:33 PM

I wasn't sure if I belonged here but I don't seem to fit anywhere else. Married for 6 months and together for 18 months.

Our relationship began online. He had a high sex drive and we would webcam frequently. I have a high drive and he was almost too much for me. We decided to meet and he decided to relocate into an apartment. Everything was going great. We decided after he met the kids and we were always together that he'd move in. The sex slowed way down. He blamed the new job, that the kids were around, etc. We shortly after decided to move into a bigger nicer house. The lack of sex continued. He got more angry about me trying to initiate.

We got engaged and 6 months later we got married after some disagreements about it. Looking back he was dragging his feet I guess.

The lack of sex got worse and worse. 2 months would go by and he said he was tired or sick etc. We fought viciously about sex and finally a few months ago he said I don't get sexual thoughts. I don't think about sex at all can't you just accept this is the simple way I am. I thought it could be low testosterone and I begged him to go get it checked. We bought pills to help increase it and it came back in the low normal range. More fighting about what to do about it which doctors to see and then it happened...

I decided to get on his computer on December 27th which we have an open policy on and I found that he had been using porn our entire relationship instead of being intimate with me. Most recently on the pills he had done it 9 times. We had sex once. And had a huge fight when we were supposed to have sex and he told me I was selfish and sex was all I cared about in our relationship.

I feel betrayed. Lied to. So angry and hurt and while he is trying to fix things and be more kind when I asked him if he had an addiction to porn he said no. Promised to stop. Asked me to try to prove I can trust him again. He has agreed to go to marriage counseling finally on the 17tg and we idk how to think or feel

[This message edited by Daisy73 at 4:45 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

pearlamici posted 1/2/2019 17:31 PM

Hang in there Daisy - others will come along shortly with more specific advise related to porn. My husband had a PA but in hindsight he was addicted to porn that at the time I naively overlooked (looked at it as if it were just modern day version of playboy magazine). It is a betrayal - it is time that he could have been paying you attention. But you are right not to ignore it and from stories I've read here it will likely lead to meeting up with someone online.

Daisy73 posted 1/2/2019 17:40 PM

Thank you

heartbroken_kk posted 1/2/2019 17:43 PM

Porn, in secret is infidelity. It's not being faithful. It's selfish, and it sucks the life out of the marriage by diverting interest and sexual energy outside the marriage, and then attacking you for what you rightly claim as his wife.

Whether it's an addiction or a selfish habit, isn't so much the issue. What is the issue is that he is attacking YOU for the consequences of his behavior.

Don't fall for it, don't settle for this.

I suggest you start searching for a divorce attorney right away and begin your exit planning. This is not a relationship built on a solid foundation.

dontsaylovely posted 1/2/2019 17:43 PM

Sorry for your pain. Look into sex addiction. Most SA's have an intimacy disorder and the closer you got the lower his sex drive with you - a real, close person he cares about got. Quite a backhanded compliment so to speak. I am married to a SA and would not have stayed had I figured it out earlier in my life. No kids with him, I would run if I were you. But of course you love him or you wouldn't have married him so much easier to say than do. But do some online research on SA, read posts here and figure out what you need.

Take care of yourself and get tested for STDs.

Daisy73 posted 1/2/2019 18:02 PM

I go back and forth, is he n addict? It makes logical sense that he is. He says what he did was wrong but he won't say he is addicted because he says he doesn't have to watch it. I think that is even worse when I have begged and pleaded for his attention and he has gotten so angry with me from breaking things to reckless driving when it's brought up.

I cannot fathom if he isn't an addict why you would inflict such damage to the person you are supposed to love.

[This message edited by Daisy73 at 6:03 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

crumbs posted 1/2/2019 18:51 PM

Daisy - There’s another recent post about porn that several of us responded to. I will tell you that I ended a long-term marriage in large part to the abuse of porn, but mostly due to the withholding of ANY intimacy in our relationship...for years.

My X also would never admit to “addiction” and promised he could control it. I added a monitor to the computer (which he knew about) and that lasted less than 6 months. Which, research will tell you, is about the longest they can white-knuckle the urge. Often, these individuals are also addicted to other things—my X was alcohol and food, on top of the porn. Many also abuse drugs.

Porn addiction is unique in that it’s everywhere in our society. Experts say that it completely rewires the brain and, as the user becomes numb to the more “basic” visuals, they increase to more and more vile and graphic visuals to keep the “high” going. Many cross the line completely with “pros” or willing strangers.

It’s not usual for the addict to pick fights or create other reasons not to be intimate with their real-life partners because it’s not the same as this fantasy they can create in private.

Even worse, it’s YEARS of hard work to recover, IF he’ll even admit to the problem and be willing to do all of the work required to control and maintain.

That was the end for me—if my X wasn’t willing to even admit he had the problem (literally HOURS of videos daily...and he’s a high-level professional who was losing his business over this!), then I knew he would never put in the time and effort needed for recovery.

Daisy73 posted 1/2/2019 19:18 PM

He just called me he is working late again. I asked again for his Gmail password so I can locate his phone. He said you sound depressed. I said I'm always depressed now. It's how it's going to be for awhile. He then asked me how I was feeling because I have a cold and a stomach virus. I'm not eating or sleeping well.

leafields posted 1/2/2019 19:55 PM

Sorry you find yourself here. Eating and sleeping will take awhile to return. See your doctor if you need help.

Porn is terrible in a relationship because your WH (wayward husband) has programmed his brain for computer images rather than an intimate relationship. Some of the side effects are objectifying you and there's also pornography-induced erectile dysfunction.

leafields posted 1/2/2019 19:59 PM

It takes about 90 days for the brain to reprogram itself.

My WH used to watch females heavier than me, skinnier than me, younger than me and older than me.

This is not anything you did or didn't do - it's all on him and his choices.

Take care of yourself & kids first.

Daisy73 posted 1/2/2019 20:17 PM

90 days for my brain or his to reprogram? I don't even know if I have full discovery yet. He refused to allow me to put an app on his phone for transparency saying he will not be treated like a child. He has given me any access to whatever I want but I know there are ways around that.

By him asking if I was depressed seems like he feels I should be over this by now.. well it's 18 months of pain finally coming through. I feel like everything has been a lie and I have no idea who this man is anymore

allusions posted 1/2/2019 23:31 PM

Asked me to try to prove I can trust him again.

Am I understanding this correctly? He wants you to prove you can trust him?

He refused to allow me to put an app on his phone for transparency saying he will not be treated like a child.
He doesn't want to be treated like a child, yet doesn't want to act like an adult by being a safe partner in your marriage.

Daisy73 posted 1/3/2019 03:47 AM

No he wants to prove to me that he can be trusted. I guess I said that in the wrong way. Couldn't sleep so I was checking out his work phone found porn on there too. They are from October. I took pics of it for future reference.

Bigger posted 1/3/2019 06:05 AM

Has he outlined how he is going to prove he is trustworthy?

Let’s imagine he was dealing with obesity and he came along and made you a promise to lose 100 pounds. Wouldn’t you expect to see change? Like him not eating cake, weighing his meals and not hanging around KFC?
What changes has your husband made?
What verbal changes and what visible changes?

Seriously – I have always said marriages can survive ANYTHING. But that doesn’t mean they have to survive anything…
You mention several things: he blames the kids for his low libido – is he good around your kids? How is the family gelling after the marriage? Your kids happy around him? Is it still you and the kids and then you and your husband?
Seriously seriously serilously look into divorce. Not because you want it or plan on divorcing, but you want to know your rights. For example: in PA infidelity factors into division of assets and alimony. Would this constitute infidelity? What about the short time of the marriage? MAYBE now is the correct time to reconsider. Maybe now is the time for a dated post-nup.

annb posted 1/3/2019 06:18 AM

Hi, Daisy, welcome to SI.

Gently, I'd seriously consider divorcing this guy. You met him online, did you ever meet his family or friends or find out anything else about his past?

It seems he was getting some type of thrill doing the things the both of you were doing, the two of you moved in, he got bored, and he moved onto something new and shinier.

IMO, I don't think he is the type of guy who is going to change. You've only been married for six months, there were huge red flags before you got married, and this is going to be your life. You and your children deserve so much more than this guy who has some very serious issues. You cannot fix him. Please understand, you cannot fix him.

Not being fully transparent is another huge red flag. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. He's not a safe partner for you, and IMO I wouldn't want him around my children bc you don't know the extent of his behavior.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/3/2019 10:08 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation Daisy. I would think that at this point you can look back at your meeting him and likely see where you ignored ominous character flaws. Everyone does it.

The problem with porn is that it's like the Bahama dream vacation before you go there. The pictures make it look like a tropical wonderland but once you get there you see the poverty, trash on the beaches, and are assailed by sexual and financial predators.

Porn allows an individual to imagine wonderful fulfilling sexually erotic encounters with seemingly hot women and men. The problem is that reality is much different and it's never as good as the video. No woman or man can compete with another person's imagination. And if he's masturbating to it he's not going to be interested in having real contact.

If he can break himself free from the imaginary world of porn, then you've got a chance at reconciliation. Like quitting smoking, he's going to experience withdraws and his mind is going to be tempted to go back to it but it's nothing that others haven't beat. He has to retain the will power and you have to maintain the threat of serious consequences.

Make yourself a game-plan in the event he breaks contact and starts viewing it again. Decide what your deal-breakers are and what your steps of action are going to be. There are those who can view porn and not be beholden to it, your H is not one of those so I'd suggest he stay in the real-world and not visit his imaginary porn world again.

Take care of yourself.

Daisy73 posted 1/3/2019 10:10 AM

I asked for no porn or any activity used to promote arrousal.


That he not yell at me for having feelings and asking questions.

He has been kinder, says he doesn't want to lose me. He let's me know where he is always. Gives me passwords to anything I ask

DesertLily posted 1/3/2019 10:35 AM

Welcome to SI, Daisy. You found a great place for gaining clarity and support. Everyone in this forum has been right where you are: betrayed. So we do understand your pain, we do understand the challenges you face, and we do understand what a truly remorseful spouse behaves like.

Your WH is not behaving like a remorseful spouse. Some Waywards can take a year or more to feel remorse. Some never do.

My WH watched a shit-ton of porn. He was even watching it during work hours. He was watching it during the middle of the night while I slept. And as damaging as the porn was to our relationship, it was only the beginning of the betrayals I discovered.

My WH got a new phone and left his old one at home. Although it had no cell service, it was still connected to the internet and his gmail account. OMG, the things I found. Profiles on hookup sites, webcaming, late-night hookups with strangers, massage parlors and prostitutes, hotel visits, even a video of my WH in the act with another man. And drugs, can't leave that out.

I'm not saying drug use is a part of your Wh's behavior, but it can be. But I will say that this type of negative sexual behavior is progressive, and if he hasn't already hooked up with others, like prostitutes, he will. It's just a matter of time.

Your WH doesn't want you having access to his gmail account for a reason, and it isn't because he wants to build trust with you. His porn use is probably just the tip of the iceberg. Prepare yourself to find even more betrayals. I'm so sorry.

I just passed my 21st anniversary. When I discovered my WH 's behavior, we were a few months shy of our 20th, and I could verify that his actions occurred during years 15, 16, 17, and 18. I could also verify that the behavior/drug use had stopped before I discovered it. And that is the only reason I'm attempting to get to a place to try and R.

You cannot get to a place of R without knowing all the facts. You cannot get to R if he is still engaging in the behavior. You cannot get to R unless he wants to stop his addiction.

The last 14 months have been he'll on me physically, emotionally, mentally and physically. Pain has been my constant companion. I'm more stable than I was the first 9 months, but I still have a helluva long way to go.

I know that you love your WH, but the truth is that you don't even know who he is. This early in the M, you should be in the magical honeymoon stage, not battling over infidelity.

Look, you met him online. You had sexual webcaming, hooked up in real life, and moved in together. The sex, which is what brought you together, started to fall apart early on, and instead of heeding the warning that all was not right in the relationship, you married. Now, such a short time later, you're discovering that his online activity has not stopped. In fact, his online activity has probably escalated, and that's why he doesn't want you in his gmail account.

Your love will not fix him. Your love will not make him faithful. Nor will begging, screaming or crying. Only he can heal his brokenness, and that will take years. Years of therapy. Years of progress. Years of relapse.

My advice is to cut your losses. File for a D. If he chooses to provide full transparency, honesty etc, and takes the lead on getting into therapy, the M might have a chance, but it's still going to be a long, hard road for you. You're going to spend more time trying to heal from his actions than you have been married. Do you really want to?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's hell. You can make it through. Be strong and keep coming back here and posting. We'll support you as you journey out of infidelity.

Good luck.

Daisy73 posted 1/3/2019 11:03 AM

I do have access to his Gmail. He put it on my phone so he's not hiding that.

annb posted 1/3/2019 11:47 AM

Hi, Daisy, it sounds as though you are really trying to rugsweep his actions. You found out less than a week ago, and him being kinder does not change behavior. Promising to stop doesn't change behavior either. He's doing just enough to keep you attached to him. Frankly, I'd be angry as hell.

You do know he can create as many email accounts as he wants AND use apps on his phone that you will never discover.

So he had porn on his work phone and on his computer. Realize he can purchase a burner phone at any time and keep it hidden. Please don't be naïve.

I highly suggest you make an appt. with your doctor for a full STD panel.

BTW, MC cannot help with a porn addiction. The problem isn't your marriage, it's him.

[This message edited by annb at 11:49 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

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