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Me [45 M] with my wife[37/F] 10years plus, Social media messages

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AnonGuy3333 posted 12/27/2018 17:11 PM

Basically my wife friended a guy down on his luck after nearly killing himself. They chatted on social media etc... then she started to go for beers with him at his place to check on him. I dont like the guy dont want to have anything to do with him. This has been an ongoing issues for 12 months. Appartently i'm the " controlling one" and cant tell her who she talks too or socialises with at all. He hit her up for sex on facebook which I only found out about when my intuition was saying something was wrong. She hid that from me and was also snapchat friends aswell. My mental health nose dived to the point of nearly ending it.

Moving forward tried to be a trusting compromising husband we agreed that she could go for a beer, he could come to our house for a beer also. So the next 3 weeknights in a row he came for beers and stayed to after midnight! I wasnt happy and said so. I even went to his birthday party at his house even though my instincts were to hit the guy!


Worked through all of this after getting to the lowest point in my life ever! Allow his son to play with my kids. he comes for beers sometime. she still goes there for beers. She went down and weeded his garden the other day i was looking for her at home to lift with something but couldnt find her {he was still away working } ( Still makes me sick to the bottom of my stomach everytime she mentions him )
A few days ago roads were flooded a bit with drives 45 min to work normally. She phoned me and I said road was clear the way I travelled that morning to work. anyway she left 3hrs early to drive to work took my 4wd just in case. So sometime during that morning he phoned her for a lift back home from the town she works in. She called her boss and took they day off incase she couldnt get back home later that night water was rising. She rang me at 11am to say she had decided to take the day off and was it ok to give him a lift home my heart sunk felt sick. Feel like I have to say yes even if i dont like it. so i did say yes. messaged her that i felt sick. anyway on my way travelling with work i drive past my 4wd parked at a pub and they are out the front drink beers at a table she waved.. i immediatly get a text to say im her man the only one she loves etc..... I sent back unhappy face and felt nauseous all day. get back home to find after she dropped him off at home he called again couple hours later for a lift to pick his kid up from school flat battery or too pissed not sure so she did that too knowing I was not happy with the whole situation and then stayed for beers whilst helping his kid write a letter or something. I am losing my mind dont know what to do. She cant see anything wrong with her actions at all its all me not trusting her!!! someone please help

beenthereinco posted 12/27/2018 17:38 PM

Hi AG,
First off let me say that you are not crazy, controlling, out of line, whatever else she wants to say to you. You have every right to object to your wife spending so much time with another man regardless of whether he has told her he wants to sleep with her. I am not going to be as bold as some to say that they are having an Affair, perhaps your wife is the most caring and also the most naive woman in the world, but it is clear that the OM is working on it. He wants your wife to be his. He is very far along in getting just that. She is purposely choosing this OM over you, your marriage, your health, your family, and your lives together. This is unacceptable.

I am actually pretty firmly in the no friends of opposite sex that aren't friends of the spouse camp but even if you allow for opposite sex friends this is too far. Your wife should be willing to drop any friendship that you have a problem with as should you for her. She should recognize that the man has told her that he wants to have sex with her and that continuing to have this friendship is hurtful and disrespectful to you.

I think you are going to need to lay down a boundary right now. You are going to have to tell her that this OM needs to be out of your lives immediately or you will have to move forward on a divorce. This may seem harsh but I think it is what this will take. She is clearly taken with this OM right now whether she will admit it or not, even to herself. You need to shock her back into this marriage or unfortunately completely out of this marriage. This quasi-marriage you have now with a third member is no way to live.

I would also recommend that you get her to read the book "Not Just Friends" as it has a lot of wisdom that she needs to see but to me this would come after she agrees to cut this OM out of your lives immediately and then she starts to figure out how to make this up to you. I'm sorry for this but right now you need to take charge and take no shit.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 5:39 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]

BrooklynGuy posted 12/27/2018 17:57 PM

This is beyond social media messaging.

I would have a simple in real life message for her:

Him or me?

AnonGuy3333 posted 12/27/2018 18:02 PM

She left and stayed at a friends house a couple of weeks ago she was going to leave for good i think. she came back we talked and she finally agreed not to go down there for beer anymore and that there would be no flirting etc on social media. Some contact is sort of needed as his son plays with our daughter. Christmas day I checked her phone to find she had messaged him over the last few days with comments like " walking around the house topless" and "sitting on couch naked with only a towel" while i sat next to her on the couch watching a movie with her. I asked her if she had been messaging and she said yes. I asked to see the messages she stood there for a few minutes going through and deleting messages and then showed me. The topless and walking around naked comments deleted. She took kids and drove off to her sisters house after an hour or so she came back with the kids nothing said about what had happened. 2 days later I said sorry for asking to check her messages and she said she was sorry too. I asked her what she was sorry about and she said the messages were wrong to send and has reluctantly agreed to end all contact. I have asked her to unlock her phone and facebook is this wrong of me to ask?

[This message edited by AnonGuy3333 at 6:08 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]

Jeaniegirl posted 12/27/2018 18:13 PM

Your wife is having an affair and putting it in your face. You don't need to have 'contact' so your daughter can play with his son. I'm sure your daughter has other friends. Tell her it's him or you. They are walking all over you and disrespecting you.

BrooklynGuy posted 12/27/2018 18:13 PM

To add a little more texture. She knows you are not comfortable with her relationship with him but continues to do so. It is not a benign friendship. It revolves around her sneaking around with him when she could be with you. Massively disrespectful to you and she and him know it, and they don't care.

A sad smiley face to her is not going to make her stop. She really does not care. Her lamentations that you are 'controlling' is in essence her telling you she wants to have the right to stay married to you while she does her own thing with other people that hurt you. Her hiding messages tells you she knows it is wrong.

Go see a lawyer and have a divorce petition drawn up. Then sit her down in person and remind her when you two got married you agreed that it was only you two. Not plus him or anyone else. She wants to continue to sneak around with him tell her go ahead because you are filing. And do it. If you don't file there are no consequences for her actions that mean anything. A divorce court date on the horizon might wake her up. If not, then you are better off anyway single than being married to someone who thinks so little of you.

BrooklynGuy posted 12/27/2018 18:13 PM

She is sexting him. Just file.

BrooklynGuy posted 12/27/2018 18:19 PM

"I have asked her to unlock her phone and facebook is this wrong of me to ask?"

No, demand the phone and have all the deleted messages uncovered forensically. Then present her with divorce papers and message print outs and ask her just how many lies did she think she could tell you?

Your wife has been fooling around with him. Does having the details make any difference to you?

Decorum posted 12/27/2018 18:37 PM

You are the most trusting and understanding man I have ever seen on an infidelity forum.

max2018 posted 12/27/2018 18:48 PM

WoooooooooooooooW

How about you pull all the phone records

Of the last year and see how much did they communicate

Or better schedule a polygraph test

And suprise her with it

And say : take the test or we are done

Don't forget to smile while saying that

Marz posted 12/27/2018 18:53 PM

Mr too nice guys get walked on.

She and her boyfriend are controlling you.

I'd tell her she has 30 seconds to pick him or me.

Wake up. They are probably in a sexual affair.

survrus posted 12/27/2018 19:16 PM

AFFAIR!!!

And she is trying to make it seem normal, what an awful feeling, bringing him to your house.

I don't know how you didn't hit the guy, you are better than myself.

Get her phone your answers are there.

His claim of having issues are also a lie to get sympathy from your WW, his issues are being a loser who uses women and destroying their lives.

He has done this before.

fareast posted 12/27/2018 20:24 PM

Your WW is sexting another man while sitting next to you and rubbing it in your face. She is totally disrespecting you. There should be no secret communications in a M. This may be hard for you to do, but you are going to have to man up and demand some respect for yourself. Read in the healing library, read and implement the 180 and see an attorney to learn your rights. Sorry you are going thru this but you need to assert yourself. Good luck.

AnonGuy3333 posted 12/27/2018 20:46 PM

been told im the sick one ptsd depression anxiety after all my psycologist visits im finally waking up to im normal and her behavoiur is making me sick and in the past 2006 she was having a full on affair. thought we had moved on.

[This message edited by AnonGuy3333 at 8:48 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]

BrooklynGuy posted 12/27/2018 20:55 PM

She is gas-lighting you.

Any, any spouse would be depressed with her behavior. For a whole year? That would make any person struggling with any illness sicker.

So she is at it again since 2006 and now has escalated to doing it right in front of you.

Sir, if you just filed and sent her on her way I suggest much of your illness will fade.

BrooklynGuy posted 12/27/2018 20:55 PM

Double post

[This message edited by BrooklynGuy at 8:55 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 12/27/2018 21:17 PM

She's having an affair and dating OM right in front of you, STOP being her doormat !! Demand NC FOREVER with OM, your daughter can find other friends or play with the ones she did before he came to the scene, btw do a DNA test on her since you mentioned your WW had an A back in 2006, demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), demand full on demand access to her phone and all her electronic devices and passwords and demand she signs a postnup and that she goes to IC to find out her "whys".

If she refuses to do any of the above then you have nothing to lose, your M is a sham, file for D without warning and have her served. Is OM married or has a girlfriend ? if so, inform OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), she may have more info.

Sharkman posted 12/28/2018 02:58 AM

Dude...

TooOldforDrama posted 12/28/2018 03:18 AM

Get ready for new emotions to pop up all at once. I agree that you aren't delusional but this situation will certainly make you feel like you are going crazy if it hasn't already. Expect to feel sad, lonely, embarrassment, anger, rage, lost, jealousy, confusion, and other emotions that you do not commonly have to deal with. It can be an overwhelming experience.

During the downfall of my first marriage, I researched herbal remedies for things like depression and anxiety. I ended up researching dosage information for Ginkgo Biloba, St John's Wort and Kava Kava.

St John's Wort is 3x more popular in Germany for treating depression than Prozac according to one article I read. I still occasionally take it to this day.

Kava kava seemed to work very well too but it's linked to liver damage. I only took it for like 30 days then stopped. Admittedly, there's a possibility that the placebo effect was at play here.

I am not a doctor and not telling you that these herbal supplements will help you or that you should take them. I'm simply saying what I did. Do your own research and/or consult a doctor to decide if it's something you should do...or just disregard the information entirely.

It's time for your wife to choose between you and the low life she has chosen to have this affair with. Do not assault him because this type of behavior will be used against you in divorce court should it end up going that way. Then, you'll more then likely be stuck giving him and her alimony disguised as child support.

I'm sorry you are going through this nonsense like the rest of us. Hang in there. We are here for you.

The1stWife posted 12/28/2018 03:26 AM

Sorry she continues to disrespect you. And torment you. And cause you to be depressed.

You need to get your plan B together AND protect your daughter as well. Now!!

I suggest you stop all contact with the children.

I suggest you speak to an attorney ASAP to find out your rights

Get $ in your own name before filing for Divorce

Cancel all the credit cards in joint name immediately

Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library in the upper left corner. You need to implement that now. Basically you are firing yourself as her Husband.

You donít do any favors or errands/chores. You donít give her $. You donít kiss her goodnight. No laundry for her or meals cooked by you for her. You donít loan her your car to drive this guy around. You donít pay her car insurance any longer.

Man up and set the limits to her as to how it will be if you divorce her. Now.

Then do the ďme or himĒ discussion. Itís not a chance for her to talk about it. She has all of five seconds to choose you AND end all contact with this guy who is trying to make your wife his.

And she gives you free access to her phone 24/7. She refuses? Then her actions show she is not choosing you and you move ahead with a divorce.

You put a GPS on her vehicle. You find out she is lying about where she is - move forward with a divorce.

You put find my friends in her phone. She refuses? Again she is showing you she still is in k rd with this guy. Your only Orion is Divorce.

And that gets you out of her infidelity.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:27 AM, December 28th (Friday)]

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