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Sooo depressed

GraceLove posted 12/25/2018 21:16 PM

This was my first Christmas as legally divorced. On Christmas eve I was feeling quite positive because I had exercised quite a bit and thought of it as spending time alone. I read and FaceTimed a friend. I was glad to not have to have a tree up, or food prep or presents...ug! My kids are grown and married, and only one lives near me. So, that night was ok.
On Christmas morning, the mourning began. I thought I was anxious but it was grief. I went to my daughter's families' place and there were 5 couples there. It was all family from my son-in-laws side. They are a delightful family. The dad is kind, loving and knows how to actually be a father and husband. Seeing this family made my grief even worse. Is this what it is like to not have trauma? By the end I had to leave because even though it was lovely, it made me feel so lonely. I am by myself.

Cephastion posted 12/25/2018 21:55 PM

I have been there myself in my own way.

There are many others like myself who have survived the crushing grief and lonliness.

But I will never completely forget the sting and pain of those times.

I would encourage you to allow yourself to all out grieve for a while when it's really heavy upon you... And then change your focus and do something constructive or distracting. Kinda like one would do with exercising. Do a workout and then give it time to "work out" or for your body to process the exercise/workout.

I think the mind and heart need the same thing with their own "emotional needs" and processing of things both good and bad.

What is your best holiday memory?

What is the worst?

I know what my worst one was... I've shared it on here on SI before. But it got changed into a somewhat positive one as well, I just didn't know it at the time...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 9:59 PM, December 25th (Tuesday)]

GraceLove posted 12/25/2018 23:02 PM

Hi Cephastion
Thanks for the reply.

I feel that this will never end. And maybe it has just started which is even more frightening. I may have been in denial for awhile because there was too much else going on to deal with the grief.

Funny that you mention exercise. I just signed up with a gym. I have discovered boxing. And I have only tried it once but it seems like my thing. I feel so relieved to let out all the anger I have towards my ex and my lawyer. I am actually going there soon.

I had completely neglected myself, started smoking and drinking and eating terribly. (I am historically a bit of a health nut so this was out of character for me).

I had just talked to my psychologist and he suggested I am grieving and that i might want to look at the good, bad and ugly of my marriage. I said I can do the bad and ugly but I don't have much on the 'good' part. He suggested it could help me with acceptance of what happened.

Best holiday memory? Anything relating to the kids...decorating the tree, making gingerbread houses, that kind of thing.
Worst? Having to open up expensive gifts from my ex that felt cold and meaningless. Not being free to socialize for long periods of time because he was a sociopath.

I feel like I have been grieving for so many other losses that I just can't bear to do this anymore. It's been 1.5 since D day and even though it's somewhat 'better' it still takes me down. When does the dark night of the soul end?! I ask myself...

ThisIsSoLonely posted 12/25/2018 23:50 PM

I totally get the loneliness. I drove 5 hours (each way) to visit an old friend and her family just to get out of being home basically alone for the holiday long weekend. The first night was okay but X-mas eve they took me to a party a friend of theirs was having - 5 couples (knowing only my friend and her H)...and me. I put on a brave face, smiled, had a glass of wine, chatted and laughed, and I felt mostly like a farce. Upon return today my WH before he rushed out the door to go to work said he was happy I went because he knew I would have a good time (aka better than home I think is what he meant - and he meant well - it wasn't snarky). It was simply okay - sort of - and not my friend's fault at all. I think she was hoping I could leave all of this behind and we barely spoke about it...and I was kind of afraid to as it's such a downer for everyone, so I held it in and felt just about as lonely as I ever have.

It sucked but in reality was just another day in a long line of suckage. I tell myself it will get better, and it will, but I completely get the depressed feelings. I tell myself next year will be better.

Charity411 posted 12/26/2018 10:28 AM

It gets better and easier with time GraceLove. What helped me was creating new traditions for the holidays. When you keep doing the same things that you did before divorce you can't help but think about the person that isn't there there this time.

The other thing I learned over time was that we sometimes unwittingly romanticize how awesome it is to be married during the holidays. Keep in mind that while you and your ex were together, single people probably looked at you with envy. They probably thought those expensive gifts were a sign of undying love. Little did they know.

Every once in a while I still feel pangs of what you are feeling now. Then I force myself to look at reality. I had two long married couples over for dinner on Christmas Day. I love them dearly and enjoyed their company. But I know them well enough to know there are major flaws they all have to deal with when it comes to their spouses. When they go home, I have my dog and cat to cuddle up on the couch with. They go home and have deal with those flaws, many of which are magnified during the holidays.

When all else fails, the next time you find yourself surrounded by couples, make up imaginary crazy narratives about them in your head. They'll wonder what your laughing at. And remember, there are no perfect couples having perfect holidays. Some just hide their aggravation better than others.

GraceLove posted 12/27/2018 05:16 AM

Thanks for responding. It seems that I do romantisize things. And when I give my head a shake I realize that the reality of what was is actually quite awful to the occasional (yet very deep and difficult) loneliness I feel. There are so many positives of NOT being with a robotic sociopath.

I.will.survive posted 12/28/2018 08:38 AM

Oh I'm so glad to read your last reply!!!

I was coming here to quote you:

Having to open up expensive gifts from my ex that felt cold and meaningless. Not being free to socialize for long periods of time because he was a sociopath.

I'm glad you are realizing that THIS is not something to miss. This was your reality. Your romantic perception of what your marriage was is the thing you miss. And the more you focus on the fact that isn't wasn't real, you can move on from the MAN that you thought you were missing.

Your future can hold ANY good man meant for you!!! Rejoice in knowing you are free to live a good life and in due time, the right person will cross your path. It's a journey and there is not "when this happens, I'll be at peace" moment.

You got this!

GraceLove posted 12/28/2018 15:02 PM

IWS

Your future can hold ANY good man meant for you!!! Rejoice in knowing you are free to live a good life and in due time, the right person will cross your path. It's a journey and there is not "when this happens, I'll be at peace" moment.

So true. It's weird because XWH used to always say: I'll be happy when.... And I used to tell him not to delay his happiness. And here I am doing the same thing. I"m learning that what I had judged, I ended up also doing.

I am feeling the peace today. And just for today, that is enough.

[This message edited by GraceLove at 3:03 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

GraceLove posted 12/28/2018 15:10 PM

Well it looks like the title of this post was appropriate. I have realized that I have been very depressed. And I was chalking it up to grief and stress etc.
I had to admit that I was in a really dark place.
Yesterday I went and got some natural anti-depressants (I had tried medical ones years ago and had too many side effects). I got a heavy dose of a homeopathic remedy and within 45 mins. I noticed a difference. I'm sensitive to what I put in my body so this time, it worked in my favour and worked quickly
I have been feeling back to myself. I haven't cried since I took the remedy and my 'dark thoughts' are no longer here. Ahhhh. Such relief.
I didn't realize how far down the spiral I had gotten. I also didn't know how to help myself because I was trying to do this by just talking about things. I felt God nudging me to go and get some homeopathy. Thanks God. It worked. Who needs a man when I have One? ha ha

I.will.survive posted 12/28/2018 16:29 PM

GraceLove, that's great news!

I'm curious what you are using and what amount?

Onward to brighter days! And patience for those moments that come and go.

GraceLove posted 12/28/2018 21:06 PM

IWS

I'm curious what you are using and what amount?

I'm using Ignatia 10M: 3 pills 3 times a week

Not recommending this for anyone:) just what has worked for me over the past 2 days. Apparently if I take too much or keep taking it too long, it will lose its effectiveness.

I've used homeos for decades and am a fan. It doesn't interfere with anything else that I take and is so natural. The high dose seems to be doing the trick.

I.will.survive posted 12/31/2018 05:10 AM

I've never heard of this. So glad it's working for you!

hopeandnohope posted 1/2/2019 21:26 PM

Thanks for sharing what you are taking for depression. I ordered some from amazon today.

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