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Suspicion

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Marz posted 12/23/2018 21:22 PM

If you have the funds get it done. Waiting, wondering is limbo hell.

Buster123 posted 12/23/2018 21:39 PM

If you're away now, just hire a PI over the phone, if she's doing something you could have the results quickly since her guard is down knowing you're away, cheaters typically don't waste precious time when their BSs are away, if you can't afford a PI, ask a friend you trust to follow her for a day or two if possible, especially on the weekends and holidays.

BrooklynGuy posted 12/23/2018 22:38 PM

OP, how old are all your children? Is the 4 year old autistic?

Unbroken78 posted 12/24/2018 07:06 AM

The 4yo is normal. All of my kids are under 10.

Marie2792 posted 12/24/2018 07:41 AM

There are a lot of red flags here and my first guess is the woman friend whose husband recently left her. In my social circle I am seeing this currently.

Your love for her is admirable. However as Marz stated above, I see your comments about her actions seem to justify them so you donít have to face that she is perhaps deceiving you. Remember that her actions say a lot about her and less about you.

The money trail is suspicious. Someone is funding this trip and that is likely the affair partner.

Freeme posted 12/24/2018 08:32 AM

Wow, so so many red flags. Doesn't have a supportive family and yet they are playing for her flight? In ill health and yet she plans to sleep in a van or hostile? Has to be a SAHM because of childcare and her health and yet is willing to leave the kids and travel alone?

I don't understand why you pay for everthing and yet she has her own phone and account. You really need to get a look at her phone records. Not just the phone.

Have you checked you bank accounts to see if she has been skimming money? I'd check from the date she got that her own checking account.

They must be communicating maybe a burner phone or she delets things. Consider a VAR.

TimSC posted 12/24/2018 09:29 AM

More red flags than a Chinese New Year parade.

This almost mirrors a situation that my son was in a few years ago except for the child with a disability.

His wife became friends with a divorced, man hating woman at work. After a few "girls night" week end outings where she did not return home until 2:00 AM, cut off her phone location function, and announced that her an her new girl friend were going on a week vacation to Jamaica alone, my son started investigating and found that she had plans to meet an Ex.

They divorced and he is now doing well.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/24/2018 14:12 PM

I did read "other daddy" correctly did I not? Sounds like something has been going on for a long time if AP has interacted with your kids.

Unbroken78 posted 12/24/2018 14:52 PM

To answer some of the questions.

The funding would allegedly come from her dad. She told me a year or so ago, that he gave her an ATM card and opened a checking acct at his local bank, so he could get her to buy things for the kids. Long story...his health is very bad, largely home bound, and their relationship is strained. He sends money for Christmas presents and similar. Itís his acct though...so I have zero visibility on it. There is no unexplained affluence or gifts on the wifeís end and I verified that he was putting money into an acct once on a phone call. I think this is true, overall.

Itís still clear as mud...she has money, comms, mobility, and time...none of which I can monitor easily.

In the end, I learned a long time ago to do two things when unsure about something critical....do reconnaissance and develop the situation.

I am doing both. I will open windows of opportunity for things to reveal themselves and Iíll gather evidence to confirm. This will necessitate low vis work, something Iíve spent 15 years getting good at. I can do this well...but I never thought the rabbit would be my wife.

This will take months. I will update as it goes.

Thanks for the advice.

Buster123 posted 12/24/2018 15:21 PM

This will take months. I will update as it goes.

If you use the tools suggested here on SI, it could just take a few days, again get a VAR, test it and plant it in her car under the seat along with a GPS tracking device, if she's cheating you should confirm your "suspicion" in days, cheaters typically like to talk a lot, especially in places they feel safe like their cars, I recommend 2, one for the car and another one for the bedroom.

If she's cheating, the sooner you catch her the better, she could still be in the early stages or in an EA and maybe you catch her before it becomes a PA, again if she's cheating, the longer you take to discover the A, the deeper she gets in it.

Unbroken78 posted 1/8/2019 23:26 PM

I thought I should update as I don't want to leave this hanging...but I don't have anything solid to update.

Sorry if this is long.


I did a lot of checking. A LOT of checking...found some things that hurt a lot. She has a lot of lingerie that I've never seen. Nothing crazy...but when I only see worn out cotton and there are sexy lacy ones in the laundry, ones that have clearly been "worn"...something is wrong. When did those get worn...and for who? Maybe it was just laundry day...it's possible.


There was a point where I couldn't take it and sat her down to have the talk. I flatly pointed out that we have a formal agreement for full transparency in all aspects of our life. I asked to see her phone. She was livid and deleted something prior to handing it to me, then ripped it back out of my hand 30 sec later and accused me of planting spyware on her phone previously (I didn't do that). She then said she had complied with our transparency agreement as she let me see the phone and now she was done with it. Later, she explained it was a text to a friend criticizing the gift I gave her for Christmas and she offered to do a restore on her phone if I wished. I noted her e-mail was signed out and the password wasn't saved on the phone...which is very odd as I know she uses it daily.

I was frustrated and explained what full transparency means and that she had not only agreed to it when we married, but had actually come up with it and had told me "Secrets are Lies" (her words)...so we can't have secrets. Her response was that she needs privacy to talk to her friends about our M and that she needs someone she can trust to talk her off the ledge when we fight.

She claims she randomly writes "diary" entries in her e-mail and whatnot and thus, I can't expect to see her private thoughts.

I can see that this is all bullshit. She continually tried to circle the conversation back to a decade ago when she feels I was less than transparent in hopes of some moral equivalency argument...and I was having none of this.

I pressed the issue and she refused.

So...I looked at some things and found that she had added her ex fiance to her Facebook and that he had messaged her with a "happy birthday" that she didn't respond to.

This was bad as she, a decade ago, had shut him down when he tried to sweet talk her into coming to a party at his house. She not only shut him down, she CCd me on the e-mail and advised him NC as it would be disrespectful to her H. I was very proud of her for this...and then fast fwd a few years later (2014), I'm blocked from her Fbook page over a disagreement...and she adds him. That stung. I can't see that anything happened...but that stings badly. I trusted her based on strong historical boundaries...that I now see were lies. A day later, she claimed that she added him to show him how well I provided a life for her and how awesome her family was and how much she loved her husband.

Yes...I know this is BS.

Much argument happened...her circling back a decade to find some moral equivalent to justify her "privacy" requirements and lies about a secret "diary" that she keeps that was private, thus I can't expect access to anything, less I see her secret diary.

Skip to the end...I am at the point where she has blatantly lied. We agreed to full transparency in the marriage. It was her policy. There was no exception for "privacy" or similar. The only question is lied about what?

She knows she is wrong. She attacked me hard (verbal), threatened to report me for domestic abuse because she considered arguing with her to be mental abuse. I've never laid a finger on her and never would. She threatened to call the Police and tell them I was being mentally violent with her. I responded that she acted like disagreeing with her was violence...it's not. She considers numerous things abuse that I would never see as abuse...things like wanting to finish a conversation instead of going to bed when the topic turns to her lies...abuse. Pointing out that she is being dishonest...abuse.

This all happened over the course of several days.

At the outset, I function checked her honesty...as honest people generally want to be open and honest. I wrote up and offered my passwords and accounts...as an honest person would seek to respond in kind. She threw it on the floor.

The vacation thing is out. That's not happening. She said that if she went, she wants me to go with her. I declined.


So, where am I now...

I know she lied to me. I know she hid something that she valued more than the M. I know the value she placed on the info was that it was marriage ending or she wouldn't have fought to hide it from me.

I know she has zero remorse and no ownership of this or her lies about transparency.

I know there is no money missing, no unexplained travel, no behavioral anomalies in recent years, and no hard evidence that she ever had an affair (physical?).

She accused me of spying on her, planting spyware on the home internet, described her belief that there were secret cameras, etc...none of which is true. In police world, people actively looking to avoid surveillance is evidence of guilt and intent to evade the Police...and she is clearly looking to evade the truth here.

There is serious evidence of concealment and dishonesty.

During the course of our marriage (11 years), I have been away for work a lot...sometimes for 6 months or more. The most recent was in 2014/2015. We had very small kids and no child care...so this would be a somewhat limiting factor.

I saw nothing during those times to raise any suspicions...but I also wasn't looking as I trusted her.

Now, I know I was wrong to trust so blindly.


Frankly...I know something is rotten in Denmark. I don't believe my wife is actively having a physical affair. After the conversations we had, I have zero doubt that anything of value was removed from her phone. That evidence is long gone.

I believe there is a piece of information that she believes will end our marriage...and that she will do anything to hide it. There's only a few things that can be. I don't know what it is...but I know the value she assigned to it.

So, I called an attorney and got the worksheet to begin divorce. I wrote it up and gave it to her. She was livid...frighteningly angry. She threw things, screamed at me, and tore it up.

She still refused to even own 1% of why we are here. Zero ownership of the issues, zero concept of her part in this...nothing.

Frankly...I am starting to think there is something wrong with her.

My wife is very intelligent. She is also very cornered and she knows it. She will fight this hard as her world view centers around her being the "good" person and everyone else being "evil". She can never own any other version of events. She is very Christian and her friends are mostly from Church. Her entire argument was "how can you accuse me of this, my character is perfect...you are an ass for even accusing me".

My guess is that she did something in prior years while I was overseas. I have a pretty good idea of when and where...but I will never be able to fully prove it and she will never say it.

In the end, the only question is where my line is...where am I willing to burn the marriage down over this. Am I willing to destroy my kid's world, give up about 60% of my net pay, my retirement (that I literally got shot to earn), and be poor for life without full certainty.

My answer is yes, I am willing to burn it down. I don't know but I know and her refusal to come clean is proof enough.

I don't know what the info is...but I know the value she put on it as marriage ending. I accept her valuation as proof enough.


I've settled into a simmering peace. I spend time with my kids. I clean up, do a few things around the house, work, and plan. She tries to hug me, show affection, and asked to "cuddle" last night.

I flatly refused and said we would not be having sex again as it was a weapon she used against me. Now, that weapon is removed. No sex means she can't use sex as a weapon against me...and she previously said that sex with me was "rape" as she never wanted to but felt it was obligated because if she didn't have sex with me, I would be angry or likely to cheat on her. So...now, I'm a "rapist" and a "abuser" in her mind...neither of which is remotely correct or true. She has never been abused by me and I would never rape anyone...ever. The concept is disgusting and repugnant. It was gross for her to even compare me to a rapist. I put rapists in prison...it's not a joke of something to say off the cuff. I take that word seriously.


So...no sex, my choice, my control. Done.


End of the day, I'm 99% done with this. She could turn it around...but it would be hard for a normal person and likely well beyond her ability to accept honesty in how she sees herself.

I'm stuck in it for about 5 more months as we aren't in the US and I can't formally divorce as I don't have a US address to file papers. This isn't cool...but I can't do anything about it formally.

I never wanted to divorce my wife. I still don't. In a way, I'm not..as the person I see across the table isn't the woman I married...not even close. She is angry, mean, dishonest, and lied to my face. That's not her...but it is her.

This is going to suck. It sucks to not 100% know. It sucks to get zero remorse. It sucks to get zero proof. It sucks...but I will get through it and I will come out the other side. There is a point where I can't back down as she function checked my resolve and if I back down, she would walk all over me forever. It's dead. I'm just doing the paperwork.

Not how I hoped this would go.

manfromlamancha posted 1/9/2019 01:28 AM

Sorry to hear of your situation. When you say you know possibly when and with who something might have happened, were you aware of it at the time or did you find out later ? Some light on this might help us understand how this has been handled.

manfromlamancha posted 1/9/2019 01:29 AM

deleted - duplicate post

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 1:30 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

Unbroken78 posted 1/9/2019 01:41 AM

Going back some years, my wife used to take the kids out of town to visit her family. It was about 8 hours away. She would stay for a few weeks at a time, about every 4 months or so, off and on.

I didn't mind as her parents were older and she had been a primary care provider for them before we met. She had a bedroom there and they loved seeing the kids.

It seemed odd though...as she still had friends from her single days in that same city and she was close with them. I saw a message once, and it basically said that a male friend couldn't meet up with her and she had responded with sadness about how much she missed him from back in the day and wanted to catch up. He had shot her down as he would be out of town. I didn't think much of it at the time, as I trusted her and there was a group of people from back then who would meet up now and then.

In retrospect...she had childcare...money...social options...and full trust of her husband. This was 5-10 years ago and went on for several years, off and on. She would go 6 months without going up...then go twice in a month.

I got a bit concerned a time or two because I would call up there at night and she wasn't home...but she would explain that she was with her friend who was going through something, or similar.

She had legitimate reasons to go up...elderly parents, them getting to see their grandkids, and so on.

I'm starting to see it very differently. She had joked that she had one female friend that was kinda slutty...and who was trying to cheat on her husband. My wife was horrified by her behavior, but kinda joked about it too. She still hung out with this friend when she went up there.

If I were to speculate, I would say that's when things went sideways. That's when we had a disagreement and she blocked me on Fbook. It's when things got strange/cold for us in the bedroom.

It's when something changed in our relationship. There isn't a specific date...but it's when sex died and things got cold.

We have been gone from there for several years...so no way it's physical at this stage.

It would explain the "secrets" and "privacy" as she likely still had e-mails or similar. She never cleans out her inbox.

DarkHoleHeart posted 1/9/2019 03:43 AM

It would probably be a good idea to wear a VAR on you when you are with her. Her behavior has shown that she would be perfectly OK with falsely accusing you of domestic violence.

[This message edited by DarkHoleHeart at 3:43 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

benomania posted 1/9/2019 06:55 AM

something here appears wrong. Trust your gut. Try to find out how deep this hole is. I know I saw red flags little over 1 year ago. I'm still finding shit that doesn't fit.
Where will it end with us? I don't know. But like you there are way too many circurmstances that don't add up.
Keep digging. Best of luck.

nothisfriend posted 1/9/2019 08:41 AM

I'm so sorry but I think that you will feel better knowing you have made this difficult decision. I think fear of the future keeps many people in bad home situations and I'm glad for you and your children that you are going to get out of that. From the way she has turned on you because she doesn't get her way what is going to happen with the kids when they get to be teenagers and young adults and either mimic her behavior or rebel against it?

Each day of the next 5 months may seem interminable but I think it will probably pass pretty quickly. It will definitely be a roller coaster ride.

Keep posting and keep your feet on the path you have set. It will lead you out of this troubled time.

longsadstory1952 posted 1/9/2019 14:24 PM

Even paranoids have real enemies.

You can suspect and be accused of every sin in the calendar and still never find out. But in the end, it may not matter. Because what you write is that you have a miserable lifen in a shell of a marriage, with an unrepentant histrionic mean wife.

All you need is to,say that you want out. You don't even have to have a reason. But life is too short to have to live with someone who emotionally abuses you and then threatens to call the cops on you.

Just say no.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/10/2019 14:52 PM

Wow UB. Your wife is a psycho. She's threatening domestic abuse charges and going ballistic over things that should be non-issues. She's obviously guilty as hell.

Don't think that she hasn't had physical affairs and one-niter's with other men (OM). The evidence seems to point in that direction. You should get yourself STD tested. If you have an STD and you've only been with her, then you know where it came from.

You're correct in that her arguing over transparency has nothing to do with a diary, it has everything to do with an affair or something similar. She's trying to make you feel bad about your concerns. That's an obvious sign of guilt.

And don't believe her religion routine. I've seen too many bad people use it as cover for their immoral acts. The very ones who are condemning everyone else are usually the ones who are doing the same or worse. She sounds like one of those.

With so many signs of guilt I have to agree that your only course of action is divorce (D). You need to protect yourself in the interim though and before she can hurt your future. You would be wise to inform your managers or chain-of-command of what's going on and of the threats she's leveled at you. You may also want to purchase a voice-activated-recorder VAR and have it around (don't ever let her know you have it).

You also may want to inform your family, not hers, of what's going on so they're aware. Ask them not to reveal that they know anything about the situation. It's also important to tell friends about your situation so they understand and can help. Keep everyone above updated on current events as they happen. This gives you witnesses in case your wife decides to try to take you out.

Keep your resolve. Even if she isn't cheating, which I see as highly unlikely, she's going to continue to make your life miserable. Take back your self-respect, your freedom, and your life.

Robert22205https posted 1/10/2019 21:43 PM

Polygraph

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