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I have a gut feeling that something is wrong.

Sorry if this is long...am I paranoid?

I’m not sure....

Background, my marriage isn’t great. My wife has a history of personal problems, narcissistic mother, weak father, infidelity by her parents, sisters from other men, etc. She is a giant people pleaser. She hates confrontation and has trouble making hard choices. Her councilor told her that her biggest problem was her refusal to make and implement decisions.

Having said that, she is brutally honest and loyal to a fault. She works hard as a SAHM and has some serious health problems that will never be cured and will shorten her life considerably. She deals with the reality that her health will decline in coming years and can’t be fixed, only managed. We have small children, youngest being 4.

All that adds up to stress. Money, time, energy, and no family support.

We have discussed divorce as the marriage feels cold and loveless at times...at others it is wonderful. I don’t want divorce. I love her and want our family to be happy. To be fair, it was mostly me feeling lonely and unloved as she seems content to play on her phone for hours and go to sleep without speaking to me at all. She seems averse to physical touch and said she could go the rest of her life without sex. When we have sex, she is passive or would rather just not. I’ve spoken with her at length and I get the “I love you but I’m just not sexual at my age, weight, tiredness, stress, kids, and similar”. She tries for me but I hate it as it feels one sided.

I travel for work frequently.

Historically, her boundaries were solid. She even went so far as to CC me on an email response to an ex who tried to re establish a relationship via email and she told him solid NO.. very proud of her there. This was years back.

However...we moved abroad. She feels jealous of our peers and constantly attacks me for not making enough money/vacations/trips/cars....as in “bob takes his wife here for a week every 6 months...you never do”.

She has a close female friend who is going through a divorce. Her husband allegedly left her for a younger woman, ugly divorce. I knew him and he seemed ok, but who knows. Either way, the girl bonding man hate is strong between her and my wife now. They were at our house and I came home recently. Her friend gave me the most piercing hateful stare I’ve ever seen...didn’t speak...it was odd. They go see a movie together weekly and stay out til midnight or later. Our kids all go to the same school, so it’s logical to interact.

Now, my wife has decided that since I can’t afford the 10k to fly all of us to an island she wants to visit, she is going ALONE...and funding it herself...but she has no job or money of her own.

She says her family bought her plane ticket.

She says there will be no hotel as she wants to rent a van and sleep in it while she drives around doing touristy beach stuff. There is a place that rents van campers...but they are for 19 year old beach bums, not 45 year old women.

She opened her own credit card I can’t see. She says it’s because she has no credit score and couldn’t buy a house or car if we got divorced. To be fair...she isn’t wrong. We have argued and discussed divorce in months past.

She has her phone in her own name, so I can’t see calls.

On the flip side, we had an argument about how shady it looked and I asked to see her phone. She agreed and allowed me to look at it without hesitation at all....but she had also just done a hard reset a day prior because it was acting up (it was, I told her to reset it). As such, there was literally nothing on it....all texts and similar were gone from the reset.

I’m really uncomfortable with my wife flying to a foreign country for a week “alone”...mystery money...friend acting like she knows something....this just feels wrong.

I’ve tried direct confrontation and got nowhere. She is transparent in her allowing me to see email and phone...that I know about.

Am I just being paranoid?

[This message edited by Unbroken78 at 3:30 PM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

No. You are not being paranoid. You are in a sexless marriage. That alone is a red flag. She is a SAHM and now wants to travel alone and lets face it, you are paying for it. That credit card in her name is a really marriage money. You are jointly responsible for the debt irregardless that the card is in her name alone. Tell her you insist on travelling with her. She insists on going alone tell her go but divorce papers will be waiting on her arrival back. Then she can travel and be with whoever she wants when ever she wants and so can you.

If she counters that her friend is then going with her tell her too late, she should have been honest up front. Detail your concerns that her friend is acting not like a friend to your marriage and that you will not sit idly by while your marriage is shredded with her friends help and encouragement.

I will also add that I can't count in my almost 60 year life how many stories I have witnessed online and in real life of spouses stating they don't like sex when in the absence of medical reasons the reality is they don't like sex with their present partner. Then when they have an affair it all comes out. I am not saying that your wife is cheating or has cheated or is planning to cheat. But it just amazes me how they suddenly become sexual behind their partners back when the opportunity arises. This is just such an opportunity and it is patently not fair to you as her loving husband to sit home watching the kids while she travels around like a student on break finding herself. That is for single people, not married spouses.

Also, demand to know who paid for the ticket? Who they are and when was it purchased? What was the nature of the conversation and who brought it up? Put them on speaker phone in front of her and ask how was the ticket purchased? Where is the receipt? Demand that the purchase email be provided. Do this suddenly and without time for her to collaborate with the ticket buyer and concoct a story

That credit card, demand to see all purchases and use since it was created. Remind your wife there are no secrets of this nature in a marriage.

If she refuses you have enough answers to the question what does she value most. Her freedom on the family dime or your marriage. Remind her that it is incredibly selfish of her to be ok with duty sex with you but then complain that you don't earn enough to take foreign exotic vacations, that she wants to have fun while her family stays home.

Remind her that is not the marriage you signed up for, that perhaps it is best that you two split up and then she can get a job like the rest of us and figure out how to live with the boundaries that fortune has reserved for us.

If after all this she accuses you of being paranoid, unreasonable, controlling, possessive, etc remind her that her behavior says it all, that any reasonable spouse would be upset. That she got the credit card behind your back, that being sneaky does not lend itself to trust and openness in a healthy relationship, that she started all of this with her behavior and unreasonable demand.

[This message edited by BrooklynGuy at 3:37 PM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:02 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Could it be another woman. As odd as it sounds there are several famous women who realized they were lesbians at about the same age as your wife. Her behavior is so over the top that you know there is something shady about it.

I hope you get to the bottom of it because someone is funding a really goofy sounding trip.

I appreciate the feedback.

The sex issue isn’t simple. She has some lasting complications from child birth that cause issues for her. I’m never sure how much of the issue is medical, though, as there are times where she is aggressive and insatiable...about once a month, randomly. The rest is pretty lame.

She is opposed to BJs as she feels they are unfair because she doesn’t enjoy it and won’t allow me to reciprocate...

Our sex life used to be crazy....now it’s dead except that one random day a month when she is magically in the mood.

Divorce would be bad. I have an autistic son who needs both of us together. One parent couldn’t do it alone. It’s not possible.

The lesbian thing occurred to me. She always got mad because lesbians hit on her everywhere we went when dating....waitresses, etc. she joked angrily that they followed her around and she wasn’t into it at all.

I know her history, no experiments...

I don’t think she is a lesbian. She is deeply religious and hates oral sex...so it would be kinda off.

Before her trip date...unknown...I will sit down and demand full visibility on who paid for what, when, how...the mystery CC...and access to her phone.

On a side note, she joked about her phone a while back that she had WhatsApp on it and it was a cheaters app....but she had it because the kids school uses it to coordinate events. I checked it and there was info in it about the kids school schedule.

[This message edited by Unbroken78 at 4:50 PM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

There are so many red flags in your story you should have used red ink. Always trust your gut. Actually BrooklynGuy is pretty spot on in his assessment. The entire story your wife is giving you just reeks of bullsh*t. I think I would tell her she's free to go anywhere she wants...just not married to you.

You can’t take time off and go with her? “An opportunity to work on your marriage “ ? Arrange for some family members to babysit?

Lets put the mismatched sex drives aside. She is horny when she ovulates perhaps. You have talked about it and it is tortuous and is part of the divorce discussions you have already had. She is sexual when it is convenient for her. The rest of the time its duty sex. Not ideal.

You state that you cannot separate due to a autistic son, then how is she able to take a holiday alone? Are you staying home on your vacation while she is away? If so then clearly you can raise the autistic son in 2 homes. Please clarify.

Since you have already had the divorce discussions and she already thinks she is single get a legally binding separation agreement drawn up and filed before the trip so her expenses going forward are hers. Demand it. You do not need her permission, Just file quickly. If she can take a vacation and bum around beachie Shangri-La in a van she can get a job and support herself and pay for her holidays

Adults work, make a home, save money and then take holiday. She wants to put the horse before the cart. On your dime and time. Tell her that is absolutely unacceptable and you will not sit idly by and pay.

Take action quickly.

ask to see her phone bill online. Bet that'll be a different story.

Red flags all over. I suspect she just doesn't want to have sex with you.

You are being a great martyr. Fo all the good that's gonna get you.

Wake up, life is short

I’m compiling a list of requirements for transparency. I appreciate the suggestions. I am listening.

Credit card statements for last 6 months, phone bills, phone, itinerary, tickets, bank statements, and similar.

Like I said...it’s uber shady. I get it.

However, I’ve called it shady to her face and demanded access to things and she was fully willing to open her phone...after a bit of an argument, etc. We have a rule on no secrets and full transparency. She has lived up to it when I asked....but I have to ask ask...I have to make it an issue and fight about it before she acquiesces. A lot of “you must be projecting your own issues” type argument.

Her explanation is that she feels her health gives her a limited few years of full mobility and she wants to travel now. She wants to go alone as she has never gone anywhere without a minivan full of kids and it’s not vacation if she has to do child care.

To be fair...she’s not wrong. We had a honeymoon pregnancy and birth was while I was running around sandy places with a rifle. So, she hasn’t had a single day without kids in about 10 years...I get that she could want alone vacation time....but damn.

Damn...I hate the not knowing.

It’s time to dig. This will be a slow process.

I will start with the phone. It’ll be Wed before I see her again.

On the flip side, we had an argument about how shady it looked and I asked to see her phone. She agreed and allowed me to look at it without hesitation at all....but she had also just done a hard reset a day prior because it was acting up (it was, I told her to reset it). As such, there was literally nothing on it....all texts and similar were gone from the reset.

Transparent? Really?

You go into a lot of details about her issues. None of them make a damn about her actions.

Are you using this to justify her actions so you don't have to address it?

I understand that she has not been without a van load of kids in 10 years. But what did she expect when she got married? To not have kids and travel alone without you? Then why get married? She should have traveled first. Get it out of her system. I say BS to that, illness or no illness.

It speaks volumes that she wants to travel alone with out you. The same 'family' person who allegedly paid for the ticket should have also paid for yours and watched your kids. If not what where they thinking? That hubby would be ok with wife traipsing off to foreign shores leaving family behind? Who is this family person? They do not sound like a friend of your marriage, whoever they are.

I repeat, she insists on being alone,let her do so with a separation agreement in hand. That is only fair to you. While she is ambulatory she wants to have fun alone. Then when she is not you are suppose to schlep her around with your fond memories of staying home wondering what she was up to while 'alone'. Your presence being good enough for home care when her illness kicks up but not good enough to take a loving, thrilling vacation with her husband. Point that out to her.

As far as her showing phone and all that honestly there are so many ways to cover tracks. So many chatting apps and ways to get around snooping spouse. A cursory examination does not suffice. Phone records are mandatory as well as forensic examination. Not sure now that phone has been reset what that will give you but they should be able to recover some. The sooner the better before memory space is over written, Another thing to look at is all apps that have been installed then uninstalled.

Too much focus on the phone. There's nothing on it, it's been wiped. The wiping isn't a red flag, Unbroken78 told her to wipe it. Plenty of red flags to go around, don't need to create any.

Unbroken78, can you afford to hire a PI to surveil her while she's there?

You'd be better of with your mouth shut, eyes and ears open.

VAR and GPS in her car.

Not to throw fuel on my suspicion fire, but this all started about a month ago when my 4 year old was in the car with my wife and I and said “the other daddy said I could” when I corrected him.

I caught it and looked over at my wife. She forcefully stared straight out the windshield....as if she didn’t hear.

I directly gave it a WTF to her and went into some gentle “where/who is the other daddy” questions to my son. He said at school....they have parent helpers who volunteer in the classroom. It could be nothing, but it blew me up like crazy.

I don’t think it was anything....but...

She said she has no idea what he’s talking about.

What is your work schedule like? How many days a month are you away from home?

When you are away it's time to play. A PI will sort this out quickly. Sounds like 'other dad' is taking his true love on a holiday.

I’m away now...then back for about 5 months solid. She wants to go in March or so...but has no tickets yet, no dates locked in.

My suspicion is in line with yours...and if she exposed my son to it....grrrrrrr.

I need some tech. A GPS Beacon that’s low vis to go in luggage and similar.

Hire a PI tomorrow. Get started.

A GPS hidden in March is way too late. Resolve this ASAP. Why wait?

[This message edited by BrooklynGuy at 9:59 PM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

So let me get this straight. You can't afford this trip and have told your wife this, and yet she (who has no income) has decided that she's going to go by herself?

You need to man the F up.

Look her in the eyes and say if she goes the marriage is over (and mean it and be prepared to walk away).

Quit making excuses for her. You're busting your ass providing for your family and she sounds like one ungrateful woman.