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They just donít get it

Sayuwontletgo posted 11/26/2018 21:18 PM

I love the holidays. I love seeing my kids get excited and bringing out family decorations. Iíve built this separate life with my H apart from my immediate family. At first I felt guilty, because you are always supposed to love family and never give up on them right? No matter how much it affects your sanity. This is the first year of me putting US first and itís already shown to be a wise decision. We made our own thanksgiving meal, we ate as a family before we went to go see anyone and it was great. It was awesome until we went to my parents. My mom being the completely clueless individual sheís proven to be made a joke about someone having an affair right in front of my H. I wasnít in the room at the time but when I saw the look on my H face I knew something was wrong. He waited until we got home to tell me what happened and I was furious. The more I think about it the madder I get but I realized something a few days ago that made me really sad for her. She has never known a loving relationship like I had (hope to have again) with my H. Sheís lived in a world thatís about entitlement selfishness and lies. My dad loves her as long as sheís convenient and she usually doesnít have very nice things to say about him. Their ďloveĒ. Is about one upping and negativity. I can honestly tell you that I have no idea if either one is happy. Thatís why it may have been so easy for them to rugsweep her A and why my mom thinks H should ďstop punishing meĒ. She doesnít get it and probably never will. I think the easy answer would be to cut her out completely but itís hard to admit that I need her. Sheís the only one that can watch our son. He is getting better but with ASD some people just donít understand him and it can be overwhelming. I need date nights with my H, she is the price that we both pay for alone time. I have witnessed her being kind and compassionate. I donít think Iíll ever understand how she can be so kind one moment and then so cruel the next.

One of the bigger things Iíve come to understand is that I am not responsible for her happiness and she is not my responsibility to bail out of stupid decisions. So when she text me tonight to let me know my brother is in jail again (heroin addict) and that he hadnít given her any money for the car they co signed for (begged her not to buy it, she didnít listen) or the rental property sheís responsible for I knew she was fishing for money. It isnít the first time but Iím not playing her game anymore. I simply text back that Iím sorry he put her in that situation. I havenít heard back from her, I love her but if she doesnít get it that my H and my kids are going to come first now she will hopefully understand thst I am no longer her pawn. Itís amazing what the power of no can do, facing foo issues is so important. Iím hopeful that it can bring better boundaries and a closer relationship with my H.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 11/26/2018 22:00 PM

Bravo! I'm dealing with boundaries and family this holiday too and I know what a struggle it is. Stay strong!

hikingout posted 11/27/2018 09:16 AM

Ah the holidays.

In the same boat, I had the week off and I wanted to spend it just with my husband (and kids who came the day of). We had a lovely time, but needed to go and visit my parents on Fri/Sat. I don't see them often, a few times a year and they are advanced in age.

I view their dysfunction from a detached place. It might be a product of age and learning not to get caught up in the drama game as much. My mom and sister...oh man, I don't even know how to describe them.

But, because I can be detached, it helps my husband have patience and also not get too wound up with it. He actually said to me on the way home that he didn't know how I turned out the way I did and visiting them is always a reminder of that. And, we talked a little about it and how chaos was ingrained and I have really had to move away from the fire and into the calm.

I think it would be hard for him to be detached if anyone did what your mom did to your husband.

However, I do think that you having new boundaries with them and not getting swept up is a journey towards the detached place that I am speaking of. It's likely just a difference in our age and experience, but when I was about your age I started not getting roped in as well. It's a muscle that you keep practicing, and eventually what you find is that you just love and accept them but you don't ride emotional waves of any sort in their presence or as situations arise. It's another form of healing.

Zugzwang posted 11/28/2018 16:18 PM

Way to go! It is amazing how much the power of "no" can do for your relationship with your spouse too. Makes you a better team instead of extended family leaching into every aspect of your marriage.

cptprkchp posted 11/28/2018 17:10 PM

Hello Everyone!

I can relate to what everyone said. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and she idolized my sister and constantly devalued me - because of that my mother and sister are like a two-headed monster.

I am going to tell you guys something I generally don't speak about - it's not because I'm mad or jealous - I am trying to illustrate a point. Back in 2008, I had a 3 month EA with a married man (and I am married). My BS caught the whole thing before it could go any further (thank GOD) but it damaged us as a couple. About a year later my sister was in the middle of a messy divorce (that I paid for) and found out she was SEEING XAP!!!!! WHO DOES THAT?????

I told BS immediately. We discussed it and agreed on NC with my sister until the "relationship" with him ended. To this very day we have a running joke about how awkward holidays would have been if that had progressed. I recall looking at my mother after all of this came to light and saying "You must be so proud of us - both of your kids are cheaters."

For different reasons I stopped talking to my sister completely about 4 years ago and I only speak to my mother intermittently. I have no interest in ever talking to my sister again and only speak to my mother enough to make sure I don't feel guilty when she dies. For the record, my BS tried to tell OBS about EA with me and she told him she didn't want to know and not to contact her again. He did try to tell her about my sister but, again, she told him she didn't want to know and if he called her again she would contact the authorities.

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