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R and Sex

qgrey posted 11/26/2018 09:45 AM

BS and I are in reconciliation... exactly two months since dday. I'm struggling a lot. She wants to try sex and I'm anxious and nervous about it and not feeling ready. Naturally, this is making her feel unwanted and rejected.

We can barely even kiss, how on earth are we supposed to jump into sex..? She only returns my words of love 1/4 of the time.. and I just.. can't separate it like I did with AP (which was no feelings just sex) and I know it's making her feel even worse but with BS it's different because there are feelings there, y'know?

I'm just.. struggling a lot with this.

hikingout posted 11/26/2018 10:05 AM

I see in your post that you are a SA? Is it scary because you are still struggling with the picture of sobriety?

Honestly, It's hard for me to relate to this. My view of sex in the early days, and also even now is that sex is something that brings us closer. I don't know your wife's love language, or yours, but my husband's is physical touch. Without that element and seeing my desire for him he can't heal. It's healed me in a lot of ways too.

It sounds a little like you are holding resentments towards her for feeling angry and conflicted post DDAY. If you were instead focusing on your love for her, I would think that sex would seem appealing to you. If you are making yourself a victim of your own circumstances, and you want her to make you feel better emotionally before sex, I think you might find you are waiting a long time.


Why don't you suggest to her that you would like to begin working on restoring the physical aspect of your relationship. Would she be open to holding each other/spooning? A lot of times I find the cuddling makes a more natural transition? Maybe try giving her massages?


You need to not feel pity for yourself when she is less receptive to the love words. After all, how can she place any real reliance on the words you give her after your actions? You need to cultivate more empathy for her and that will help you with the emotional intimacy. Right now it sounds like you are caught up mostly in how you are feeling.

qgrey posted 11/26/2018 10:18 AM

@hikingout
SA meaning sexual affair, not sex addiction. Apologies for not clarifying that better.

My partner had always been sexually motivated for closeness, but medication has strongly diminished her libido. We have had sex maybe... 4 or 5 times (tops) in the past two years? Which I think adds another layer to the whole thing.

I feel like I just don't want to rush into sex because I'm scared of it being a major trigger and having to deal with the emotional backlash that I feel is going to come.. I'm not sure I can get to the point of vulnerability for sex personally and then have to comfort her if she breaks down during it. Which I know sounds absolutely horrible and selfish and I hate myself for even thinking this way.

I don't know.. maybe I'm struggling to feel empathy and you're right. I'm getting caught up on my feelings and that isn't fair to her, but I don't know how to stop doing that? I really do feel remorse and shame and I really am working hard to be as empathetic as I can be... and yet I'm still falling short.

Sayuwontletgo posted 11/26/2018 10:23 AM

Qgrey, I think sex is hard after any A. Iím struggling with this as well, not that I donít want to itís just that the drive is gone. Which only makes the situation with my BH worse. Seems like there are weeks when itís easy then thereís a month or so where itís a struggle to feel in the mood or even get things started. Itís hard to be so vulnerable and loving when your partner doesnít want to look at you some days, itís hard but all of this is work. It helps when I think about the alternative, that H would be gone and I wouldnít get the chance to prove how much I desire him in more than just sex. On really bad days Iíve kept screen shots of some of the text conversations weíve had that give me hope. I read and reread them when I forget that thereís still love between us. Find something that gives you hope and hold onto that when things seem dark. Itís okay to feel disheartened but the fact that your BS is still there and trying to work it out and even suggesting the sex means there still something, might not be love yet but sometimes like is even good. Be honest with her though, if you do try it and something goes wrong tell her why. I would also suggest to think about who you are protecting in not being ready, are you worried about getting your feelings hurt or rejection? No one should feel forced into sex but is it just nerves or are you feeling threatened in some way? If not try it for her, show her your commitment in doing things that might not be in your comfort zone yet, show her how much you care. I hope things go okay or that you can be open with her in talking about your fears. Good luck

qgrey posted 11/26/2018 10:36 AM

I would also suggest to think about who you are protecting in not being ready, are you worried about getting your feelings hurt or rejection? No one should feel forced into sex but is it just nerves or are you feeling threatened in some way? If not try it for her, show her your commitment in doing things that might not be in your comfort zone yet, show her how much you care. I hope things go okay or that you can be open with her in talking about your fears.

@sayuwontletgo
I feel like I'm concerned for both of us, if that makes sense. Like it feels like there is just so much pressure already on sex, and now post dday there is even more.
And further, whenever I try to explain why I'm not ready.. I feel like BS takes it as a 'she's not good enough', not a 'Q isn't feeling good enough', if that makes sense? I struggle a lot to put my feelings into words (something I'm working on in IC).

ChaseTheTruth posted 11/26/2018 10:41 AM

qgrey, I am 4 months past Dday and my wife and i have still haven't had sexual intercourse. I even took a 90 day break from all sexual activity on the advice of my counselor. I needed to learn to be INTIMATE with my wife instead of sexual with her. We have worked on that - holding hands, snuggling, kissing, even bathing together with no sexual touching.

In the past month, we have been able, four times, to be sexually intimate with touching only. She is not ready for intercourse. And she reiterated that again last night. Honestly, I am worried about our first intercourse. I am sure she will be emotional and i may as well. I have read lots about how that is common and it may precipitate a break and just comforting each other.

I will say I have also read and feel its correct, that there needs to be some "experimentation" to determine what each of you is ready for. How would you know what feels comfortable if you don't try?

I hope you booth can navigate through this time with sensitivity and understanding.

hikingout posted 11/26/2018 10:41 AM

You need to take SA off then, change it to physical affair. SA on this site means Sex Addiction.

Read about hysterical bonding. You may not end up having that, but a lot of people do. I say this only because sex could go a few ways...either it will be horrible and lead to a breakdown like you fear, or she will want to reclaim you and the emotions behind that is going to put a power behind the sex that is different than what you had together before. Over our recovery time, I would say H and I have experienced the gammit. We have been through two cycles of HB, once early on and once that we are still kind of cycling out of that so far has lasted from our 10th month into our 15th.


You need to get very clear about what you want. If you want reconciliation, you are going to need to get out of this concentrating on how you feel and trying to not have to experience all her pain. Also, as a couple, I am thinking that the sexless marriage is not something either of you want. What happened to her libido? Do you know? Is it a condition that is a product of the environment of the marriage? Or did she have a baby or go through depression or start a different prescription?


I am asking because possibly some of your fear has to do with the rejection you felt prior to the A...having that return? I remember someone else posting about that at one point.


Look, it's not like she is asking you to put your penis in a bear trap or something. You need to get to the root of your problem, acknowledge your fear and it's cause, and do it anyway. If you want your wife to be your wife, wanting her sexually is part of all of it. I found that some of the waning period of my libido had to do with numbing myself. When we numb the bad feelings we numb the good as well (Thank you Brene Brown who has written some great books you should read - especially Rising Strong). So, in essence your lack of wanting to move towards sex might have to do with you shutting out the negative stuff.


Are you in IC?

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:44 AM, November 26th (Monday)]

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