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Really missing my AP, how do I get through this easier?

ChaseTheTruth posted 11/25/2018 13:12 PM

I miss my AP even though I am reconciling with my W. I have had a particularly hard time over this holiday season and wonder if that is the issue - thinking of her during this time.

cptprkchp posted 11/25/2018 13:57 PM


I understand what you are going through and itís fairly normal but you need to keep reminding yourself that what you had with AP was fantasy. It was a dirty secretive lie that hurt the very people you are supposed to love the most. It will take time but (hopefully) you will see it for what it really was and at that point missing AP will be the last thing on your mind. Focus on your marriage, your BS, yourself and try to make improvements! Just remember that you not grieving for what really was - you are grieving what you *thought* it was. Your BS is real and sheís offered you the gift of reconciliation- how lucky are you that you have the chance to be a person with integrity and dignity! I know I sound all rah rah rah but I was right where you were and I have come so far - itís so much better on the other side!

ChaseTheTruth posted 11/25/2018 16:03 PM

Thanks, @cptprkchp. I know time will help me lose the memories and feelings. They haven't been as bad the last three weeks or so but this past week they have been haunting! And really, I can't understand it b/c my W has been so good and I have been surrounded by family. I shouldn't be triggered to think of "her." Damn my mind for remembering!

EvolvingSoul posted 11/25/2018 16:17 PM

Hi there ChaseTheTruth,

Welcome to SI. It took me a long time to stop missing the AP too. It really helped a lot when I began to be able to separate AP as a person from the feelings that I had during the affair. They aren't the same thing.

There's a post by Maia on this board about getting through the withdrawal. I'll bump it up to the top for you.

Glad you found us. You will get much support here.

Lucky77 posted 11/25/2018 17:30 PM


Iíve been NC with my AP for over a year. I was pining for her all day today. It gets better. Comes and goes. But can still get heavy. I wish there was a way to explain it. Just need to tough it out. Good luck

And welcome.

ChaseTheTruth posted 11/25/2018 18:34 PM

Thanks all... it feels good just to find some people who actually know wth I am going through. I know Iíve blown my life up but it helps sometimes to be able to commiserate with people who understand.

Guess I have to just white knuckle it sometimes, huh, like Lucky77 says. Thanks again.

Lucky77 posted 11/25/2018 19:17 PM

I confess I keep a running log of high profile politicians and other headline grabbers that have completely fucked their lives over for the A. It would be trivializing the A if we laughed and said look what they did just for a little sex. The A is all consuming. Itís a bitch to detach from. Itís so much more than sex. The AP permeates every cell of your body. Call it the Fog OK but it can be debilitating. My first weeks away from AP were total dopamine drug withdrawal.

cptprkchp posted 11/25/2018 19:24 PM

Iím really glad youíre here - keep posting and sharing!

Try to remember that APís serve a very specific purpose- they feed our egoís and fill our time. It can be hard when real life hits and all of a sudden youíre faced with an angry BS and the memory of the warm and fuzzy affair feelings fade. Itís hard but you will be just fine!

FoenixRising posted 11/25/2018 19:27 PM

I remember the pain youíre feeling. Itís been over a year and at times, it can still take my breath away when I think of it all.
The good news is, little by little youíll stop thinking about it as much. You donít/wonít realize it at the time but it eventually happens. Then youíll notice the pain starts to get more manageable or at least you begin to feel numb to it.

When I was still dense in the fog, I made a list of all the things that I didnít like about AP. I still visit that list from time to time. Ive even add things as the fog cleared.

Another thing that helped me was listening to a few guided meditation for rumination on YouTube.

I also started painting, drawing... just found healthy ways to distract my attention and stay just gotta keep going one day at a time. Good luck.

ChaseTheTruth posted 11/26/2018 08:04 AM

Thanks to all who weighed in, i needed the support and encouragement. I did go back and read Maia's advice that EvolvingSoul bumped for me - really good stuff.

All of you gave good counsel and I am grateful.

EvolvingSoul posted 11/27/2018 22:38 PM

Whatever you do, don't break NC. Also, it helped me when I realized that there was physical NC (no communication of any kind) but there was also mental NC.

For a pretty long time I still spent a lot of time thinking about AP and writing about/to him in my journal and romanticizing my experiences during the affair. Think Meryl Streep in Bridges of Madison County (God I hate that movie/book now.) Anyway, even after I stopped ruminating on it all, thoughts of AP would still show up intrusively. Instead of dwelling on them when they arrived, I shut them down by envisioning AP in a doorway and slamming a big heavy door in his face. Sometimes I thought about pushing him out of a plane door and watching him get smaller and smaller and then finally disappear into the clouds. Sometimes I just envisioned the a big red STOP sign.

After I started to practice meditation I found that the whole practice is about learning how to deal with thoughts as they arise without getting overwhelmed by them or needing to act out to shut them down. Thoughts of AP still arise from time to time but now I have a pretty good ability to just note that I'm having that thought and then just let it go without any drama. If I do have emotions associated with them it's usually more "ugh" then "awwww". More a sense of disgust than longing. And that's appropriate I think.

Let me say that in the first few months after D-day I would have said (and even did write in my journal) that never in a million years could my feelings about AP change. But they sure did. So take heart, fellow traveler. Stay NC. Stay the course. Work on figuring out how and why you were able to choose betrayal. Learn why it was okay for you to get your perceived needs met at your BS's expense. Eventually you'll see AP and that relationship much differently.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Best to you from an EvolvingSoul.

Zugzwang posted 11/28/2018 16:09 PM

What do you miss. Give us the reasons and we can help you dissect it and look at it in a different perspective. It helps to stop looking at the AP in a positive way. See the person for who they really are. Who they would be perceived as by a healthy individual. For example, I liked that my AP could go to the bar with me and text all day giving me undivided attention. I at the time thought the behavior was carefree. Nope. It really just proves she was needy and a neglectful irresponsible parent. She abandoned her daughter to give me attention. Not so great right? Would you value your wife acting like that? Hard thing is, to see your AP in a negative light means you have to face yourself too. Because the reality is- you are way worse than the AP.

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