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Recovering from Wife's Cyber Affair

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Happenedtome2 posted 12/4/2018 08:48 AM

Thanks so much !

Yeah, I think you may be right about that especially since it is still raw for me. I wish she would make some sort of attempt to address it with me though. I'm not pushing that aspect of it until I start counseling myself. Let the kids enjoy the holidays and then the cards will fall where they may.

farsidejunky posted 12/4/2018 12:22 PM

Her lack of initiative regarding you is a sign she has not hit remorse yet.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/5/2018 12:29 PM

Completely off the topic, but not really.... WW likes to send me pictures/memes throughout the day. Most are memes or some sort of quote (usually romantic and sometimes dirty). She sent one today about being me to say I love her, I need her, to wrap my arms around her... WOMAN! I've been doing this for over 13 years and you went and shared that with another man... My blood boiled briefly. I had to resist the urge to say something back about how I need her to not cheat and not talk dirty to other men and not lie about it...... Grumble grumble grumble....

Butforthegrace posted 12/5/2018 13:14 PM

Why did you resist the urge? You want her to be honest with you. You should return the favor. Your marriage can't recover without honesty.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/5/2018 15:34 PM

Basically I don't want it to turn into a text war. Even though I stay clear of name calling and the like I'd rather get my thoughts together and save it for IC . I've said everything I need to say regarding the A and what I want. She is going to have to prove she is ready for IC and MC and providing nothing else "comes up" we can start MC. I'm not looking to instigate. I said a few words to her today about not having this issuie in the future and have also said that I expect her to improve the way she treats me or I'm walking. She knows it's a 2 way street but it isn't going to help my cause to keep picking at the scab.

Butforthegrace posted 12/5/2018 15:41 PM

Oh, right, text. I missed the context. No good can come from text warring.

benomania posted 12/5/2018 15:42 PM

dude that's where I am on this same issue. If my Ws allowed access to a pos man near our home / near our kids. I will end up turning the tables a complete 180.
Like you I fear this happened.
But Unlike you I have nothing concrete
A few weeks ago I established how serious I was about protecting my kids.
If she wants to play along so be it.
But the kids safety is paramount.
I will stop at nothing to protect them.
Go fuck elsewhere and don't let me know either.
It's been 1 year for me and I'm no longer playing fucking games.
Best of luck to you and please protect YOU and the kids

Happenedtome2 posted 12/5/2018 19:32 PM

Luckily this guy is nowhere near us. I do fear he may have looked her up on fb or ig and found pjcs of the kids. He also obviously can find out where we live if he doesn't know already. I scared the hell out of WW by showing her just how much info I could get with just her cell # which he has. She thought that since she hadn't given him her last name that he couldn't look her up.

If this POS ever shows up near my home he will disappear never to be found. I'm actually going to look into the possibility of a restraining order so if he goes near our home or the kids' schools he'll face consequences. Just because he lives halfway across the country doesn't mean he won't show up.

Major breakthrough as WW is going to IC beginning in January so both of us will be in IC to start the new year.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/9/2018 06:58 AM

A little hesitant to throw this out there, but I am now in a spot.
I hadn't planned on checking WW's phone. I had really just said to myself whatever may or may not be going on can wait until after Christmas for the sake of the kids and to keep myself from getting upset again....well....

I picked up the phone...and looked at the web browser and here are about 4 or so open pages about suicide. My heart stopped at seeing this. Financial ramifications for the spouse, how C0 poisoning works, clothing for the deceased.... she is sleeping right now as she worked late. Probably won't be up for another hour or 2. I am at a loss on how to approach this. She knows I peek at her phone so that is a non issue. Do I just bring it up as soon as the kids are out of earshot? My head is spinning right now.....

NoOptTo posted 12/9/2018 08:03 AM

Notify her family. Get her into supervised hospital for observation. What ever you do, do not ignore this. Tell her, you know what she is trying to do. It's the most selfish act one can do. Abandon her children due to her not wanting to deal with her consequences from her other selfish actions. Show concern for her, yet stand firm for your own well being.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/9/2018 09:15 AM

I just spoke to suicide hotline. I am going to speak to her as soon as she gets up. Her family will be next. This runs deeper than the A. The holidays are always tough for her as both of her parents have passed away and both were fairly young. It hits her hard every year. She has jot even let on that something is wrong. Hell I'm fine compared to what is going on with her apparently. I feel so sick right now. An A is one thing. Regardless of anything she ever did to me I would never think this would ever come up. We all say our ws's are this and that when we catch them but I doubt any of us would think this would come up.....I guess until it does.

Wool94 posted 12/9/2018 12:55 PM

You are doing the right thing.

farsidejunky posted 12/10/2018 09:36 AM

Good on you for doing this.

Affair work can wait.

Prayers for your wife and family.

Stevesn posted 12/10/2018 10:45 AM

Happened. Hope everything worked out ok yesterday. Did you confront? Did she admit herself willingly for support?

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/10/2018 20:45 PM

I am so full of anxiety right now. She is denying there is a problem and even tried to blameshift. I am at a complete loss. I honestly don't know if she's serious or if she was punking me because she knows I check her phone but it turned into a huge disagreement over whether she needs counseling or not. I spoke to her closest friend about it after she got to the point where she was no longer speaking to me. Her friend said she has also stopped talking to her about what is going on with us so that outlet is dead. I had plans yesterday and was literally afraid to leave her home alone. Luckily she came with me. Today she is acting like nothing happened. Total rugsweep. I am ready to scream. I am going to speak to one of her family members tomorrow. Add to that I get a call today that my best friend's wife got arrested for embezzling 10k from her kids' school's pta. It has been a helluva weekend.

TooOldforDrama posted 12/11/2018 02:47 AM

Definitely keep a close eye on her and use your best judgement. Watch for warning signs like her giving away cherished possessions that she would never part with to friends. Suicidal people don't always do that but it's very a common telltale sign.

You need to keep your guard up for yourself and the rest of your family. Suicidal mothers often (plenty of murder cases and news stories) like to try and take their kids with them.

I'm not accusing her of this line of thinking...just pitching out ideas that maybe hasn't crossed your mind.

If I think of anything else, I'll post another reply.

Sorry you're going through this mess too.

[This message edited by TooOldforDrama at 2:51 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 12/11/2018 07:54 AM

TOFD, that is exactly what crossed my mind yesterday and was why I was afraid to leave her home. The kids weren't coming with me . It's very doubtful she would do anything to them, but it was still in the front of my mind.

Last night I reached out to her side of the family. They have no idea about WW'S A or what is going on with her, but I spoke to my SIL with whom she is very close. She wanted to tell the entire family to which I said no way right now because it honestly might push her over the top. She's going to reach out to WW today and touch base as they normally do around the holidays for some last minute shopping and try to gauge her mood. Meanwhile I'm just trying to keep my head as clear as possible so I won't miss any change in behavior.... what a mess.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/12/2018 04:51 AM

WW barely spoke to me yesterday as she was busy with xmas decorating. Maybe got a handful of random texts while I was at work. She got annoyed because I sent her a list of counselors on our insurance (about 100 of them within a 10 mile radius. Said she has already chosen one. I knew she was planning to go after the holidays but didn't know she had found one already. At least she is starting to take it seriously.

I am doubting there will be R after this. It is taking a toll on me. I am like a zombie all day with a pit in my stomach .

soulhurt posted 12/12/2018 12:38 PM

My ex-wife is exactly like yours. Instagram affairs, planned hookups. After I found out she would not admit to anything I didn't already know. She would say the same exact sh1t your cheater said, "you already know everything" then I would find out about more men more things by snooping on my own.

I dont know what to tell you. She how she behaves, she must tell you everything if there is a chance to save the marriage. She has to come clean so you can rebuild trust in the marriage. If she is being completely honest and sincerely remorseful then there is z chance for the marriage to survive if you want it.

HellFire posted 12/12/2018 14:02 PM

Maybe she's suicidal. Maybe she's not.

What you do know is she was caught. She's been blameshifting. She's not remorseful. She's angry. She doesn't want to talk about what she's done.

And she knows you check her phone.

It's entirely possible she purposely left those pages open on her phone, because if you think she might hurt herself, you will stop talking about what she did. Then she won't have any consequences. And that's exactly what you've done.

I doubt she thought you'd talk to her family, or friends about it,though.

You do need to confront her about what you saw. And if she threatens suicide, you call 911. They will make sure she gets the help she needs. And,if this is a manipulation tactic(common amongst freshly caught waywards), then it's one she won't pull again.

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