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Recovering from Wife's Cyber Affair

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Ponus18 posted 12/23/2018 10:12 AM

A couple of thoughts for you-

1. I think I had suggested using a VAR a month ago and I think so even more now. Itís something I tend to recommend around here. Maybe Iím projecting a bit because I know how helpful it would have been to me when I was where you are now. But then again I donít see a downside. Wouldnít it be helpful to hear her in her own words talking to her AP or to a friend etc.?

2. The fact that she left open FOUR web pages with suicide topics to me just sounds like she wanted you to find it. Now maybe she is/was feeling suicidal and it was a cry for help. But my inclination has been that itís a manipulation tactic. Iím not sure it means you handle things differently. Itís like the occasional poster here whose story seems incredible. You really have to take it seriously just in case. I just think you should be careful and not allow yourself to be manipulated in case it was just more lying and manipulation.

Stevesn posted 12/23/2018 10:20 AM

Yes of course. Perfectly Normal and unfortunately will go on for months, even years. But if sheís doing good work to prove herself to you going forward, those fears will continue to ease.

ďAre you in love with me, do you want to be married to me and if so, are you willing to be in an exclusive relationship where you never again have inappropriate interactions, emotional or physical, in person or remotely with anyone outside of me?Ē

So above you mentioned youíve said something similar to her. What you didnít mention was how she responded to it? Is she ALL IN with fixing what she broke, in her and between you? Or is she hoping you will eventually forget so she can pick up where she left off, going behind your back to get her emotional and physical needs met?

What words did she use when you ask if she wants to continue as your wife?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:22 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 12/23/2018 14:22 PM

I did not word it exactly like that. I asked if she wanted to be married to me, if she loves me, if she is IN love with me and finally if she understood that our marriage as it was is over but does she want to be with me exclusively and with the understanding that there will not be another chance. She answered yes to all. She has been very contrite I feel although I have questioned the suicidal thoughts.

The fact that she left it on her phone would lead me to believe it was done on purpose. Whether or not it was left to lead me in the wrong direction is another story.
VAR is on the way. Will have it set up by the end of the week and may alternate between car and house. Also setting up my gopro in the house but out os sight so I can record it and watch it from my phone.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/23/2018 17:20 PM

WW stepped up today. I had a bit of a breakdown over everything. She came into the room and saw what was happening and wordlessly just hugged me. I didn't say anything but she knew what the problem was.

Just now, she hugged me while I was standing in the kitchen and I just said that I appreciated what she did earlier. She looked really sad for a minute and hugged me again and said that she understands why I feel the way I do and we're going to get through it. As if I need to be more confused.

She is aware that I am talking to "a support group". She doesn't know of this site that I know of and I'm careful to close it out when I leave. Even if things don't work out and there is no R, I appreciate you all listening to me.

Decorum posted 12/23/2018 17:28 PM

We are pulling for you, for all of you, and we are paying it forward as we do. Here for you, no worries.

TimSC posted 12/24/2018 13:48 PM

Her hugging you and saying that she understands why you feel bad is a good thing.

It is not confusing. Take it for what it is. She is realizing that her actions have hurt you and she is sorry.

If she is genuine or not is something for you to decide.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/25/2018 19:19 PM

I hope so Tim. It's just hard waiting to see what, if anything will happen next. 2 weeks til IC starts for me. Looking forward to it.

On a side note, I hope everyone had a nice Christmas.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/26/2018 12:53 PM

Visited my in-laws last night and sat on the couch with my son wondering if this was the last Christmas I'd be going there. Was nice seeing everyone, but wow was it depressing by the end.

Stevesn posted 12/28/2018 07:27 AM

When does IC start for your WW? Without it she will probably never have a chance to become a safe spouse for u.

Did u get the VAR yet?

Happenedtome2 posted 12/29/2018 12:22 PM

We are both scheduled to start IC 2nd week of January. I gave her a gentle reminder about it last week and she said she already had her counselor. Hopefully she follows through. I am all in myself whether we eventually R or D.

Var is going in the car this weekend and will leave it there for a week then switch it to the house. There hasn't been a shred of evidence of any impropriety and I have been literally just picking up her phone and going through it whenever I feel like it. She even deleted her snapchat account which she used constantly with one of her close friends and our family members. I didn't even ask her to do that. She had deleted all other messaging / social media apps and the accounts that went with them after I told her I was going to leave if certain terms weren't met.

I'm still not certain R is in the cards TBH. I'm just sort of going along right now to get the kids through the holidays and their birthdays. If something happens I don't want them to equate it with their BDays or holidays. If it ends in D I have no intention of remarrying anyway so it's not like I need to be in a rush. I can live my life just fine until I clear my head and decide how to move forward.

TooOldforDrama posted 12/31/2018 01:51 AM

If it ends in D I have no intention of remarrying anyway so it's not like I need to be in a rush. I can live my life just fine until I clear my head and decide how to move forward.

I definitely second this. I'm not even sure relationships are safe unless you can guarantee that whoever you start up a new relationship with has the complete understanding that you may never want to get remarried. Guard your heart closely. That love bug is a SOB...especially when you haven't felt that new love excitement in a long time. It's intoxicating. It's hard for me to say you can even trust yourself not to fall in love again.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/31/2018 07:35 AM

I doubt there will even be dating if my M doesn't work out. I have no interest in doing it again and TBH I see what a few divorced friends are dealing with while dating and it isn't for me. Add to that the fact that it would take time away from my kids..... I'd rather just spend time with my kids or my friends and not waste time on someone who will probably just leave or cheat anyway....

Happenedtome2 posted 1/4/2019 15:34 PM

It would appear AP tried to contact WW on NYD. WW had deleted all of her apps but he definitely tried to message her. I told WW and she claims she has not heard from him since NC was sent. I actually believe her but then she actually said "he probably hasn't because of something you did". I nearly lost my mind. Kept my cool though but then told WW that I was going to contact him and inform him flat out that I was outing him to his family and also told her that since billboards are cheap where he lives that I'm going to take one out near his house with a photo of him wearing a diaper. I think that would shut him down pretty quickly....

Stevesn posted 1/4/2019 15:38 PM

Hey friend. Good to hear from you.

Iím glad he didnít reach your WW.

Howís it been going? Have you heard anything negative on the VAR? When do you each start IC?

What words are you saying to each other about your relationship these days?

Hope this year is a better one for you both.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/4/2019 18:43 PM

Thanks for asking Steve. Nothing remotely out of order thus far on the var. As for our relationship, WW has been more her old self lately, but still wants to rugsweep. Won't talk about the A at all. I get that she is trying to put it behind us. I had to explain to her today that talking it through helps ME and she should be doing everything in her power to help me.

IC is set to start for me next week. Her as well. I have a feeling she isn't going to go through with it because of the rugsweeping. As I said a few days ago, I don't have any idea where this is going to go but right now I'm going through the motions and putting money aside just in case.

Hope you have a great new year. Please chime in if you think of anything that I could do differently or have amy further insight.

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