As the WS, why did you choose to stay?
We'd been married for decades and had a good marriage prior to the time leading up to the A and the A itself. I knew that we were good together for a lot of that time.
Coming out of the affair was disorienting - so many things I told myself to justify the affair, to be able to conduct it, and the withdrawal of the dopamine hits that the A readily served to me. And, I really didn't understand that's what was happening, I thought I was pining for my soul mate
So, I basically committed to seeing if we could work through it. I don't want to sugar coat this because I think lots of times a WW and a BS can feel like it's unsurmountable in early days. Just like my H, I don't think I knew what I was signing up for. But, I read and did everything suggested as if it were a prescription. I fully committed. I was emotionally numb, it took a long time (probably 8 or 9 months post Affair/ and 6 or 7 post DDAY) before I could really start to feel things properly and start showing signs of remorse. And, I floundered, and I struggled, and I learned a bunch about myself. My husband has more grace than I would have ever imagined. He did almost divorce me for real at one point and I know it was considered more times than I could count or know.
The reason I stay today is very different from early days. I can see the ways that I contributed to the Pre-A issues, I can look at myself with some compassion in that I understand how it happened and I have rebuilt so much of my life and habits that I know I am a different person than when I made those decisions. I look at my husband and marriage with such a different lens - one that is full of appreciation and thankfulness. I am painfully aware how close to losing him and we've had most everything people wish for when they get married for most of our time together. We feel truly tailor made to me - his strengths are my weaknesses, my strengths are his weaknesses, we have similar sensibilities, we enjoy a lot of the same things, we are both very level headed and capable of working things through logically together, we agree on what is important and what isn't, we have a great physical attraction and sex life, we support each other, we are equally yoked in intelligence and careers, we're best friends, and we make good business partners. I am no longer numb I am very present and very grateful. My H is getting 120% not because he is my punisher or because of contrition, but because that is what he deserves and it comes straight from my heart.
What did you love about your BS while you were cheating on them?
Well, certainly he was my family. And, he was a good dad, and he and I got a long well. But, honestly during my affair I wasn't considering him much at all. He was gone a lot, and that gave me the room I very much wanted to stay locked up in my fantasy world. I was fueling the affair with the entitlement I felt saying things to myself like "I had given everything to him and kids and my career, making everything perfect etc...It was fine that I took time to do things that made me happy"
I was mostly emotionally numb already before the affair started. I was escaping that numbness with self medicating of shots of dopamine. So, other than trying to stay in the fantasy as much as I possibility could, he was far from the center of my world, he was being madly disrespected, and thoughts of him were pushed down. No active loving happening there, and probably not for a long time prior to the A either. I often waiver as to whether I was cake eating or exiting. There wasn't a lot of self-evaluation at that time, so I don't really know that any of that was really thought out.
[This message edited by hikingout at 8:28 AM, November 8th (Thursday)]