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Newbie - In Shock

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TornInShock posted 1/15/2019 22:17 PM

Thank you for your responses and your insights. The SI family has been a great support. As you stated, Tripletrouble, this site has been a god send for my heart, mind and soul. No one understands the pain we go through unless they have experienced it for themselves. I had no idea how many people are wounded daily. And given that, how many of you have survived and kicked ass with your continuing heroism and strength. You breathe your strength into me through your words and advice.

I haven't fully decided on R with my WH. I am distancing myself emotionally from him. I do not trust him and I do not believe him. At some point, I feel I need to move forward with a decision and not be in limbo. I understand the type of love I had for him and what respect I had for him is gone. We had compassionate love and now I only long for him physically but not emotionally. I still have too much anger and hurt so that may be dampening my feelings for him.

He is working hard on building a new relationship with me. He tells me he loves me daily and holds me when I get upset. He is there even when I tell him to get out. I told him one time, in a moment of clarity, he will have to fight for me like he never has before. We went out of town for 1 night to get away after I had a blow up 5 days ago. I discovered that he was calling that whore soon after they started sexting. He told me originally he didn't call her until about a month into their sexting. He apologized and said he didn't remember and that everything happened so quickly and it all happened in a blur. I told him the phone calls hurt because it wasn't just an online fantasy when you can hear someone's voice, their cadence, their tenor, their timber and the resonance that is uniquely theirs. He said he didn't realize all that he had given away so easily and foolishly. I cried in front of him when I thought of him saying, "I'll talk to you later", or "I missed you" to this nobody. I told him he wouldn't have given this whore 1 second of his time IRL. He agreed. I had to track this tidbit down by going through some google activity detail which he said he didn't even know existed. He is in his early 50's but you would think he is going through early memory loss. He doesn't want to re-visit the sext messages or the images shared by the whore.

I told him, from now on, we say good bye in the morning with a kiss (which we did even during his affair) and welcome back in the evening when he came home with a kiss. I think I am trying to build some type of emotional bond. Why is it feel like I am coming up with all of these suggestions but nothing from him? I can only imagine he is too scared to do anything.

annb posted 1/16/2019 06:23 AM

Hi, Torn, you sound very level-headed.

His consistent actions over a long period of time will help. Words mean nothing.

Is he being transparent and accountable with his phone/social media, emails, whereabouts?

My only concern is he doesn't was to revisit his actions. I had emails from my WH to OW that I probably looked at daily for a very long time, and I addressed my disgust probably daily.

Shocker... when they say they don't remember, well unless they had some sort of traumatic brain injury, they are lying. Maybe not the minute details, but certainly phone calls and discussions and places. I've been on this board for ten years, and I cannot recall an instance where the WS admitted the entire truth, they minimize and minimize.

Tripletrouble posted 1/16/2019 08:29 AM

The phone calls were very hurtful to me too. He started and ended his day texting and calling these women. He would wait for me and our teenagers to go to bed and then he would sit downstairs and call them. He tried to deny it too, but I had a packet I printed out from Verizon, and I had also dumped the phone records into an excel spreadsheet and analyzed that data from every angle, and came at him with names, frequency of text and calls, average duration, etc. They swear it's meaningless, but if it's meaningless why are they the ones the want to reach out to first and end their day with? There was one call where he spent the entire time waiting for his luggage after a flight talking to one of his favorites. I found that strangely hurtful - that he would come home from a business trip and call her first.
And yes, they all have memory loss. It's just bullshit. I mean there could be a few details they forget but most of it is lying. If my XH could tell you every stat about every profession athlete of all time, he can fucking remember if he ever called someone.

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