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Breaking out of the friendzone

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LostHope8008 posted 12/7/2018 08:32 AM

I would suggest two books for you. After reading them, you will get what you need without being played or strung along. You have more value than you thing you do.

1) The Rational Male
2) No More Mr Nice Guy

LilBlackCat posted 12/7/2018 12:04 PM

Just ordered audible versions from Amazon..

LostHope8008 posted 12/15/2018 12:14 PM

Have you done any reading yet? A couple of things you want to ask yourself:
1) do you want to get married again after what you have gone through the first time around?
2) what are you looking for in a woman? Career, direction, independence, etc?

Read on brother and learn all you can. As a general rule, stay away from SHAM's and single mothers. It is not your job to raise someone else's offspring. It is not your job to support anyone else. Pick out someone that is on your level- education, life goals and career and salary. Most of all, take time for yourself. Connect with your kids. Enjoy life and do what you want to do when you want to do it. If you meet someone else, make sure she is just an extension of your life, not dependent on it.

cancuncrushed posted 12/15/2018 19:06 PM

And when your alone, its great to have someone to lean on...someone always there for you....a friend..

It sounds unbalanced....for wanted more...she didn't....but she enjoyed having someone there for her...did you read more into that? was she using you?

You have to have boundaries...or you will be used ...when she said should have been less available...unless you wanted a friend to talk to , to lean on....when you are alone.

I say this often.... whether it be Waywards, BS or dates....You know what you will go for will make every effort...its not wishy washy.....she is wishy washy....

It doesn not mean you are not means you saw what you wanted and you went after that...that's just don't win every time....its part of dating.... if we all won, all the time, we wouldn't be here.

Im sorry it didn't work out....but wishy washy will never be good enough for you...give yourself the gift of real love...

The same rules their actions...listen...have boundaries...have a time line...see what is front of you...beware of hopium. Keep reality in check. Don't settle for crumbs. Believe them when they show you who they are.

And from the experience of being dumped lately....please...just be upfront...tell her its not enough....making up fake arguments, using other reasons is really unfair...for anyone...lies just confuse everything....who needs confusion...this is gaslighting.

Or was it a cracked door, not as final, in case she snapped out of it, and called back? do you want zero communication? or do you accept her as a long distance friend? anything left?

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:35 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

LilBlackCat posted 12/17/2018 12:25 PM

Yes, my goal to be married again.. I've always been one to like the stability and unity... If I could meet someone who is reasonably on par with what I want and also someone who is strong minded.. I want a partner in life.. not a subordinate, or someone who can't adult.

Yes, I really liked her family values and caring ways.. but she wasn't perfect, per sey.. but she was enuf to chase and I'm ok with it dying.. I tried, and she chose someone else.. I have shut down all communication.. I only messaged her a couple weeks ago to ask about her grandfather.. but since then I just decided to go NC..

LilBlackCat posted 12/17/2018 12:31 PM

LostHope8008, I have started on The Rational Male.. and am in some ways in agreement with what is being said..

While also, kinda confused with the recommended direction that is being given.. as I'm not one who likes to "play the field", maybe it's my upbringing and also due to social programming.. I have never liked the player mentality.. I have always felt it hurt us guys who don't live that way.

but I'm still not that far into it, so maybe with more time into it, I will get a better grip of what it means and how to use that info.

LilBlackCat posted 1/15/2019 11:36 AM

Just finished "the rational male" and really understood a lot of the concepts being detailed..

I now see a lot of my mistakes that I had been doing and although there was no real viable excuse or reason for WW to cheat and leave.. I know see the underlying idea behind the mindset.

I started on the "No more M. Nice guy", but we'll see.. As the intro discussed things.. I do not think I'm that much of a nice guy.. to qualify as being one, compared to the examples given. LMAO!

twicefooled posted 1/15/2019 16:21 PM

Remember that self-esteem comes from within - not from validation from women.

I left my ex 5 yrs ago. Stayed single for 2yrs, dated one fellow for about a year (but we were ultimately Geographically Undesirable, lol)

I was dating a guy that lived close who dumped me suddenly to rekindle with his ex. I thought that was going to ultimately knock me back but it didn't.

Know why? Because I know I am a great catch and the right guy will be lucky to be with me. I'm smart, funny, kind and extremely loyal.

I'm now exclusively dating a single dad that has given me the room (for almost 3 yrs) to figure myself out. He knew I wasn't ready to commit to anyone in particular and he didn't take that personally. Now we are focusing on a romantic relationship.

It will happen, with the right person. Dating is giving yourself the ability to meet someone that makes you feel like a million bucks, instead of someone that makes you question yourself.

BobPar posted 1/15/2019 16:47 PM

Still reading through but LBC, I think you are OK. You are just getting back into the dating scene.

Or is it possible I am simply chasing the wrong one???

This ^^^^

Be yourself and the right person will ok with that. I had the advice that dating is like trying on a pair of jeans, you may not like the fit, feel, colour, style, whatever... If they don't fit, just state that. We aren't a good fit. It can take a bit.

I also got the advice that "like attracts like". So if you are feeling the "need" to be with someone then you will likely find someone needy.

And, Dating is about learning and enforcing boundaries... when you master that your are ready for the next level...

I think you are OK LBC

LilBlackCat posted 1/16/2019 12:53 PM

I ended up stopping the "No more Mr. Nice guy" audiobook.. I really don't feel it applies to me..

I am not that nice and have no problem saying no or expressing feelings or frustration..

I think my initial problem was knowing my worth and knowing the mistakes I was making which the first book really opened my eyes to.

So now started on the second book of "The Rational Male"..

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