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GraceLove (original poster member #59212) posted at 8:01 AM on Saturday, September 8th, 2018
I am soon getting my divorce papers finalized, 2 more months or so.
And...
I felt originally that I was spiritually divorced and I felt really free. And so during that time, I went for a couple of coffees and walks with a very nice guy. It was just coffee and walks. Just friendship. Then I went for coffee with another guy who is probably a narc. Not doing that again as it appears he is interested in more than friendship. The narc had really triggered me and I had spent way too much energy trying to figure out if he is or isn't a narc etc. So, I decided to trust the extreme anxiety I feel when I am around him and conclude: yip, he is. He has a lot of similar traits to my STBXH.
The fact is I am technically a married woman and even though I really enjoy male companionship, and I do want to have male friends I'm still married. So...
Have any of you battled with this technicality?
Also, what do you consider a date? And how can I be really clear with someone that I actually just want to be friends? It would be sooo easy to have more gay friends. My gay male friends live in another state...
I have made a decision that I don't want to date until 2 years after my divorce so that I can heal. I hope I can stick to that because I have a lot of healing to do.
lieshurt ( member #14003) posted at 1:25 PM on Monday, September 10th, 2018
I have made a decision that I don't want to date until 2 years after my divorce so that I can heal. I hope I can stick to that because I have a lot of healing to do.
I think this is very wise of you to do. I wish more people did this. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to heal.
No one changes unless they want to. Not if you beg them. Not if you shame them. Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love. There is only one thing that makes someone change: their own realization that they need to.
TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 5:46 PM on Monday, September 10th, 2018
So many BS's are tempted to start dating as soon as possible. Taking time to heal and getting to know yourself is a good idea. It is not a sprint, it's a marathon. (((HUGS)))
XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"
Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 5:48 PM on Monday, September 10th, 2018
There are so many examples of people that date too soon and bad things happen..... You are very wise to wait, heal, and get back on your feet.
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie
GraceLove (original poster member #59212) posted at 12:35 AM on Wednesday, September 12th, 2018
It's easier said than done and I know deep down that it would be best for me.
Simplicity ( member #60501) posted at 4:43 AM on Wednesday, September 12th, 2018
Most important is to do what you need to heal for yourself. If it means forgoing all dating for as long as you feel you need, then do it! I wouldn't say that you necessarily need to stick to a timeline, but it's good to recognize a need to look into yourself and not rely on other people to give you self worth. You may need more time or less time, but the important part is recognizing the need for time to yourself.
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