"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

JanaGreen posted 9/5/2018 13:32 PM

So I almost feel bad coming on here and posting an update and a question given that I haven't been around contributing- but not bad enough to keep me from doing it.

First, the divorce isn't final yet, but we are very close. My ex has already cheated on his new gf and is attempting to reconcile with her. Sigh. But that's his new GF problem and not mine. He and I are getting along fine, thankfully.

So I met a sweet man. I have been chatting with him for months, since March. He lives about three hours away. I told him from the beginning that the distance was an issue, as he also has a child. But we kept talking, he kept being sweet and charming, and I ended up meeting him last weekend. I had met a few guys in person that I had chatted with online but was disappointed. He was the opposite. We ended up in my hotel room talking until the sun came up, slept a few hours, talked until checkout time. No sex.

Now we both have all these feelings, and three hours and 50/50 custody schedules between us. Is this doable? He's optimistic.

Also, is it normal to feel like an inexperienced virgin when you first start dating? I haven't had sex in almost 2 years, and I haven't had GOOD sex in I don't know when. He's not graphic, but we've talked enough for me to realize he's vastly more experienced than I am. Is this a huge issue, or should I forget that and focus on the intense emotional connection we have? I feel like I'm 14 years old y'all.

Thanks if you hung in there for all of that!

Lazarus posted 9/5/2018 14:08 PM

If you're looking for a one night stand, then experience is a big issue. If you're looking for more than that then it isn't. Don't give it a second thought.

JanaGreen posted 9/5/2018 14:25 PM

I went there thinking I'd make a new friend and hook up for fun, and left kicking myself for catching feelings for someone in another time zone.

Phoenix1 posted 9/5/2018 14:30 PM

Now we both have all these feelings, and three hours and 50/50 custody schedules between us. Is this doable? He's optimistic.

As the saying goes, where there's a will, there's a way. If you are okay with extended periods between seeing each other, yes, it can work. If you are one that needs to have a constant presence, then it will likely be a problem.

I am in the first camp. My SO lives an hour away, but we both travel quite a bit (he just returned from almost a month in India). That means we have long periods of not seeing each other and, for us, it works just fine. We don't need to be glued at the hip. We communicate (almost) daily. That actually makes the times we are together that much more enjoyable. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that jazz. We've been together for almost five years now so yeah, it is working for us.

is it normal to feel like an inexperienced virgin when you first start dating?

It happened to me when I first started dating SO. It was ridiculously juvenile feeling. He could tell I was nervous as hell and, to be honest, our first time together wasn't all firecrackers and marching bands. I told him straight up I was out of practice (lengthy dry spell). He was honest and said it was the same for him. So we fumbled through our first time. By the second time we had both got our groove back, relaxed more, and it was wonderful. Been great ever since, and he is SO much better than Xhole. I always thought Xhole and I had a great sex life. That was until SO came into my life. I realize now how "not so great" my sex life was. I was missing aspects I didn't realize until SO.

Is this a huge issue, or should I forget that and focus on the intense emotional connection we have?

Be honest and tell him (if/when the time comes) you are nervous. I am not a big fan of secrets so I tend to blurt out my feelings. I am really glad I did that with SO. He said he could tell I was nervous, and he completely understood. Didn't phase him in the least.

Enjoy the feels, Jana.

traicionada posted 9/5/2018 14:31 PM

Now we both have all these feelings, and three hours and 50/50 custody schedules between us. Is this doable?

Well, it depends on what you are both looking for. Are you looking for casual dating? FWB? Serious commitment? None of the above? Long distances works for some people but it is too much for others.

Also, is it normal to feel like an inexperienced virgin when you first start dating?

I think so. Dating is not my thing so I always feel highly inadequate, like I was too busy reading War & Peace that one summer that everyone went dating summer camp so I lack the proper training

EvenKeel posted 9/5/2018 14:35 PM

In my early years after D, I actually preferred LDR.

I had 2 kiddos at home, FT job, FT college, house, etc. I just didn't have the time for a full-time relationship. So I dated out of state at first (we both had full-time custody of our children and never introduced to kids).

So is it doable? It depends on what you are looking for? For me, I liked the connection to someone which is easy to do with text, calls, messages, etc.

I was certain I would not be meshing houses, cohabitating, whatnot until my children were gone and he was ok with that as well.

So it worked for us for the time (didn't work out due to other reasons).

So are you (or him) a person that HAS to have physical contact daily?

Outline what you want in a future relationship and see where he falls on that list.

As for $ex? Gurl....my experiences since my D have been better than anything my entire life

Like you, I worried way to much about stuff I should not have.

(PS - glad to see ya here)

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 2:38 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

nothisfriend posted 9/5/2018 14:48 PM

I've been in an LDR for 2 years and expect it to last another 3 years until he retires. For me, it's pretty much perfect as I learn to live on my own. I had never lived alone except a short time in college.

BF lives 2.5 hours from me, but the bonus is that it's in the city where DS goes to college. BF is a teacher so during the summer he lives only an hour from me and we get together on the weekends there. He visited my house at least once a week during the week. In the winter we alternate weekends at each other's house. We talk on the phone every night and every morning is a good morning text.

Granted we have no custody issues to work around but this situation works well for us. At first I didn't want a full-time BF as I was still adjusting to my new reality. I miss him like crazy during the week, but talking on the phone helps. We are counting down the time until he retires and either moves in with me or moves to his summer place.

It can be done but takes work, patience and good communication skills.

JanaGreen posted 9/6/2018 00:36 AM

I had 2 kiddos at home, FT job, FT college, house, etc. I just didn't have the time for a full-time relationship. So I dated out of state at first (we both had full-time custody of our children and never introduced to kids).

That makes a LOT of sense to me. I don't have time to spend every day with a man.

I really appreciate all of you replying. I talked to him on the phone a little bit tonight, about half an hour, and then we messaged for a bit. He's very positive and encouraging. Yeah, the distance sucks but let's just enjoy each other when we can. He wants to take things slow physically, he's fresh off a breakup and long dry spell too. That surprised me but I do think it's for the best.

I was initially thinking he'd be a good FWB, but in the several weeks before we met and then definitely after we met, I feel too much of a connection to him to be that casual. Plus I don't know honestly that I'm capable of FWB. It sounds good in theory, but I've never done it and don't know how I'd react emotionally. If I'm this torn up over a long conversation, some cuddling, and very brief kissing . . . yeah. LOL

I was feeling very angsty about the distance, but I think I really just need to focus on enjoying the fact that a cute, nice man likes me and I like him back, and enjoy his company when I can.

JanaGreen posted 9/6/2018 00:37 AM

I think so. Dating is not my thing so I always feel highly inadequate, like I was too busy reading War & Peace that one summer that everyone went dating summer camp so I lack the proper training

I SO feel you on this.

ADryHeat posted 9/7/2018 00:42 AM

Hey Jana! Welcome back!

Quick background: met my exwh my senior year of high school. I didn’t date much before him, and he was my only sexual partner until the divorce.

I’ve dated my fair amount since the D. It goes in waves for me, where I’ll be really motivated to meet people for awhile and then immediately snap into a phase of no interest in dating.

My first date post D was awkward and I was so nervous! I told him how nervous I was, he was sweet about it, but I didn’t feel any fireworks so declined a second date. We only exchanged a hug.

My second date was in town for work and I met him on a whim. Kind of a ‘why not’ meeting just to help me feel more accomplished at the whole meeting a stranger from online deal. There were fireworks. Massive ones. We kissed that night and saw each other the next night before he left town, then twice the next month. No sex. He admitted to feeling things for me, I wasn’t ready at ALL, and we stopped talking. More on him in a minute.

My first sexual encounter post D was a ONS, basically. We’d been talking for a few weeks and met and I just went for it. I don’t regret it but had no interest in a repeat performance. I then went on to do a lot more first dates and even dated two different men for a few months each, both local to me.

Then I went out of state for a conference and met a guy. Long story, but we had major sparks and both wanted to try dating. However, he had a LDR before me that ended badly, so he called off dating between us. I was hurt. He was a one hour flight away, so not unmanageable, and when he said no to LDR I stopped talking to him for a bit. Eventually we started talking again and saw each other a few more times, and we developed a really great friendship. He’s now dating a woman local to him and I’m happy for him.

Back to the other out of state guy from above, with the fireworks. Eighteen months after we met, he reached back out to me. We became friendly, and when work brought him back here this past spring (2.5 years after that first meeting), we spent a lot of time together. It was casual. He’d just ended a serious thing and I was still licking my wounds from the other LD guy. But here we are now, almost three years after first meeting (first meeting was late October 2015) and things are sort of maybe heading in a new direction. We’ve become good friends, we talk daily, and he’s coming to spend five days with me later this month. He’s almost 2 hours away by plane, no kids for him....I have no idea where this could go, but for now I’m really enjoying my time with him.

Can LDRs work? I’m sure they can, if the situation is right. I’m not sure if one would work for me, nor if it would work for this guy and me. But I’m willing to see where it goes bc our connection and chemistry are so strong.

I say give it time. Distance is something that’s changeable potentially, and you have no idea where you’ll be physically and emotionally in a month (or 36 haha).

As far as feeling like an inexperienced virgin, I can relate. I had to totally relearn myself and what I like and want in a relationship, both physically and in the other dating aspects. Be patient with yourself and honest with him. And please keep us posted!

GraceLove posted 9/11/2018 18:47 PM

I think so. Dating is not my thing so I always feel highly inadequate, like I was too busy reading War & Peace that one summer that everyone went dating summer camp so I lack the proper training

Thank you...I had been crying this morning, read this and it made my day. Hilarious!

[This message edited by GraceLove at 6:48 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

better4me posted 9/11/2018 21:12 PM

Ahhh. So nice to have feelings reciprocated. Enjoy that.

As for LDRs they can absolutely work out if both parties are willing to make it work. Find out what does and doesn't work for you, how much contact you like, daily texts or phone calls etc. Like all relationships, communication is key!

If daily contact is important for you, let him know that. Contact can be text of facetime. I think being aware of and being understanding of other things that can pull the other person away for awhile (kids, work) is important. Maybe you could plan on watching a series together but apart or reading a book together but apart as a way of having things to communicate about when the "Gee, I miss you" conversations get a little boring and routine.

but I think I really just need to focus on enjoying the fact that a cute, nice man likes me and I like him back, and enjoy his company when I can.

yuvas posted 9/12/2018 04:28 AM

This is a great update!

Just relax and enjoy the … uh … ride.

In all seriousness though, you two have made a genuine connection, who knows where it will lead but for now if he’s positively adding to your life that’s great. Take each day as it comes and try not to overthink anything, no one is asking you to make any massive commitments yet.

I was celibate for around 2 years as well, honestly, it didn’t matter once things started. Having someone else see my body after such a long time was hard (I hate my nipples and am unreasonablely self conscious of them!) but after that it was fine, better than fine actually!

Men don’t care if you’re experienced, believe me in this. Unless he’s 19 years old he’d probably prefer you to be less experienced than him.