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Support for BS in Limbo

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Yana posted 8/16/2018 15:37 PM

6 years plus past Dday and still have limbo moments although i guess we are in R....I was so enmeshed with my WH when this happened that I don't believe at the time I had any choice to divorce. I wish I could do this part over again...however i digress. Anywhos, the triggers and the bone jarring feeling of being betrayed by lies, deception, and everything in between...including his family (MIL etc). Put me back in tears yesterday as I put my 12 & 16 yr olds back in school and felt terribly lonely and depressed. I crawled my way back on here and feel comfort in knowing someone(s) on these boards understands me and what I've gone through and what I still go through. I think that sometimes I gotta change my whole attitude around what happened to me and my marriage bc if I continue the way I go its going to make me die a sad person. When I don't think about it and i'm bonded with my WH I can be ok with everything, when I'm triggered I have to counter it with something funny or positive. I literally have to ignore what the hell happened--and move on and create new positive funny humorous memories. Is this possible? Yes. But i do fall in the cracks once in awhile like yesterday and just need to cry into someone's arms (not WH--bc he has compartmentalized and moved on) I come on here. Thank you to the brave people that have healed and try and help those like me that still need some support. Thank you...

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 8/29/2018 14:24 PM

Limbo World for me is getting easier. I don't why but I've been feeling more detached lately. I'm sure this roller coaster will throw me back the other way, but for now I am spending his money and enjoying my life until I get kicked to the curb.

Thisfknsux posted 9/1/2018 08:38 AM

Limbo....i remember when that was a word that described a fun it describes my life and I'm ready to start moving away from it. I don't want it to define my life. I have 4 beautiful, brillant children and a career that i love (even though my current job is not what i want) However, the problem is when i think of trying to move forward with my WH, trying to move through this trauma and emerge on the other side, my heart and soul is not at peace. Reality tells me to stay and do what i can to make it work but my heart and soul tell me true happiness will only be found if i get away. How do i begin to rectify staying with someone who promised to love and protect me but instead betrayed and lied to me for almost our entire marriage? I've read on this site for almost 2 years now and I've read such pain and heartache, such shame and regret, such perseverance and accomplishment. I'm going to commit to changing my internal dialogue. I think that will be a good first step. WH is a man that made choices long ago that were selfish and arrogant. Then that same selfishness, along with fear lead him to live a lie all these years and take me along for the ride. But we are all flawed. I've made mistakes. I've gained wisdom i didnt have at the beginning of our marriage. I am going to try and find the grace and forgiveness to work thru this trauma.....for ME, for MY WONDERFUL CHILDREN, and......for him. Because no one is perfect, we are all flawed. I am going to try and make this my internal dialogue. To forgive myself for my flaws and forgive myself for accepting his treatment of me all those years and maybe in time forgive him for letting his selfishness, insecurities and fears rule our marriage for SO long. It's not too late unless i say it's too late.

Emotionalhell posted 9/29/2018 12:36 PM

Sometimes I feel like Iím in limbo bc I donít want to take a chance on another relationship. Iím living the life of a nun which Iím not crazy about but itís safe. And after finding out that he was still screwing around with OW#2,while faking ED bc he was angry with me for discovering his A with MOW... ( he says itís bc I would t let him end the A on his own, but we stopped having sex 6 mo before OBS found out well, )Iím glad I havenít been intimate with him, Lord only knows how many other women there might be.
He is nice to my face so I will just take what little good there is and carry on. Housing is very high where I live so carry on till I can find a decent affordable place.
In the meantime I numb myself to make it through some days. And as time goes on I donít take his actions personally. I realize he is screwed up with his thinking.
So for the rambling thoughts. Just needed to get that off my chest.

benomania posted 11/8/2018 15:20 PM

This is where I am and it sucks. Limbo sucks. 1 year to the day today that the other man told me he was talking to her via Instagram. She denied it. I left Instagram to avoid issues and had her block him among others men. I went back into Instagram about 3 months later and she's following him again. Denied it was her account. Sure.... What followed was a rashion of strange behavior until I started to expose her for what she is.. Now she knows how serious I am. The question is; is she further underground? IDK. All I can do is keep faith I may have made some of this up in my mind. But there are way too many circumstances to point to at least an EA.... So here I am. In limbo. Feeling like I'm standing on quick sand with the high tide about to swallow me. Some days i'm ok and some I'm a mess. I am however a FAR cry from where I was a few months ago. But I"m scared. I'm scare because I'm beginning to not give a shit about anything but me and my kids. So yes, I see the world JADED. It's written all over my face and revenge is all that drives me now. What a shitty existence. I don't wish this on anyone. I rather she get her shit straight and fucking leave.

I'm so jaded I don't want to eat, drink and sex is the last thing on my mind. I've been working out a ton and as a result I've gotten some women's attention. The result of that is anger. Not feeling appreciation. But Anger. Disgust. I'm on anti depression and anxiety meds; but that doesn't cure the issue does it? Fuck no

[This message edited by benomania at 3:23 PM, November 8th (Thursday)]

Nevertome posted 11/10/2018 23:44 PM



it's my savior; it will give you peace. When i told him it was divorce or poly, i finally got all the answers. He went down kicking, but he did it. the poly confirmed the truth that i would not have ever received without it. We have done it every 3 months since dday. we will do it at least every 6 months, until we divorce or die.

Broken5152 posted 12/3/2018 13:32 PM

I'm in limbo... my spouse's EAP cut off all contact 2 weeks ago, but reading her texts to friends (don't judge me!) show she's pining for contact with him. We've got MC this coming Saturday, but I'm not sure where it's going to lead. I'm not willing to be Plan B, if she doesn't want only me I'm done. I can't be honest with her about everything I know because I've violated certain legal privacy rights.

Broken5152 posted 12/3/2018 13:43 PM

SabinatheOwl, I'm in much the same boat. She accused me of not trusting her 'to the core' and that put our marriage in jeopardy - she decided I didn't own her and she could do what she wanted and with who. Turned out I was right, and shouldn't have trusted her...

I asked her if there had been anything flirty or romantic with an 'old college friend who waved at her on facebook and had been talking with for a month.' She said that I didn't trust her and I thought she wanted to F another guy. Now the constraints are off, she can do what she wants. Which is to hang out with said guy and possibly F him. Circular argument!

Next, I get into her phone (I've got her passcode)

1. She met with him (she told me prior to meeting, but said it was in public, he wouldn't come to her room) with another friend being chaperone. All Rated G. Confirmed by texts between them

2. She called me the next morning, "nothing happened, it was G-Rated he never came to the room." LIED - I have texts from her to the friend that was to chaperone - "we're going to need private time" Nothing physical happened (truth, based on texts), but he played his guitar for her for a couple of hours.

3. I went into her phone to take pictures of the texts, and have stored them in a hidden google drive. I've used a VAR to get conversations of her with both the AP and some friends.

4. If I ask her again if he came to her room, I'm accusing her of lying. The only way to prove it is to show the texts, which show I violated her privacy. Which means I can't be trusted, which gives her permission to do what she wants.

There's been NC for 14 days now, initiated by him when he told his spouse he had been talking/texting my spouse.

I would be MUCH happier if my spouse had cut contact, but she won't. I guess I'm lining up my ducks, but I really love her and want to remain together. Hoping MC works!

BeingheldbyJesus posted 12/24/2018 12:12 PM

I guess this is where I belong. Dday was 3 years ago. I can't move past. WH is doing all he can do, but what he does isn't enough for me. I know it never will be. He hasn't done many things I needed and so many have been done too late. I hate infidelity!

DollGo posted 12/25/2018 12:30 PM

First DDay 3 years ago followed by consequent DDays this year. They havenít stopped seeing each other. Never went to MC with me.
I am just trying not to rock the boat since I know he will leave if I do and I donít want him. I want him to stay. We still have good times if I donít bring AP in the discussion. I am determined to keep this M and donít want her to have him.
I guess this makes it a limbo situation and it is tough.

Holly-Isis posted 12/31/2018 09:39 AM

Please reconsider. If he's still cheating, then you're giving him more of yourself than he is to you.

There's being in limbo w/ a WS that isn't cheating but also isn't doing the work...and then there's this.

Please try the 180. It will help you regain some of who you are. At this point, why does it matter if she has him...he's an active cheater. As long as you have this mindset, he will not change and you will go through this over and over.

overwhelmed2018 posted 1/2/2019 00:38 AM

I was going to make a new post somewhere, but this seems to be where I fit right now!

DDay was just about four months ago for me, or at least the DDay where I found out exactly what had happened. He's trying so hard and I do believe he recognizes why it happened and is so completely horrified by his own actions and apologetic. He's willing to do anything to make this right. And at times, I'm positive I need to keep trying for R.

But then, the mind movies start playing or something little sets me off (a PG sex scene, REALLY?! I can't even handle that?!) and I think, am I really the kind of person who can forgive this and move past it? And I honestly don't know. And it scares me, and I feel lost and frustrated and upset and miserable. Part of me can't help but wonder if I'm just sticking this out because I'm afraid of being alone after six years while the other part of me is sure it is because I don't want to lose him and what we had/I think we can have again.

I guess mostly I just struggle with the how did this happen to me and how is this our life now. I keep hoping I'll "know" if/when I'm done, but that seems a fantasy I can't imagine.

crazyblindsided posted 1/2/2019 12:07 PM

Welp posting here because this is where I've been for 4 years Limbo. I'm not sure why I keep choosing this path

I am so scared to leave. I don't want to split time with my kids and I fear how much I would struggle to make it on my own. My debilitating depression doesn't help me either it keeps me feeling stuck. I am always second guessing myself and my M.

My last relationship was physically abusive. I knew I had to leave or I would die. I had no kids then it was easier to just go!

I do experience happiness outside of my M and have been still trying to heal ME through IC and reading and posting here.

I hope one day my path is more clear as well as my head.

Lovehurts777 posted 2/5/2019 21:19 PM

I don't think I've posted in this thread yet and its been awhile since there's been one here, so I'll wake it up ... plus I just really need to vent. I've got no one to talk to about this today.

I'm almost 4 months out from dday and until about a few weeks ago, I didn't consider myself in limbo. Until then it was just plain chaos and riding the rollercoaster waiting for someone or something to save me.

After my IC asked me what was my goal out of this marriage "you want to save it, right?"...i just looked at her blankly and said I'm terrified to decide either way right now. I choose to be in limbo because any other decision scares me to death.

Choosing to stay is scary because then I feel like I'm allowing him to get away with it all. Choosing to stay means accepting and moving on in life with the person that caused me the most trauma and pain. I don't think I'll ever be the same and will never view him the same. But I've got a long standing history and I do still love him, although the strength of that love has faded.

Choosing to leave is scary because of being alone with my 3 kids. Putting a finite end to our story and what if I regret it later? But what if I don't and I can be happy without having to look at the face that hurt me so much.

I'm just not ready to go all in on one or the other. I don't know how I'll ever decide.

Being in limbo is difficult too though and I'd love to find some resolve. Being I'm limbo, I've pulled emotionally and physically. Our conversations are strained and silence is awkward. We can't stay like this.

I was so in love with my WH before he confessed to his LTA from years before. It truly is a devastation.

Wish I knew a way to just figure out what I want. Either decision changes the direction of my life and I don't want to end up regretting the choice I make.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 3/11/2019 15:58 PM

After my IC asked me what was my goal out of this marriage "you want to save it, right?"...i just looked at her blankly and said I'm terrified to decide either way right now. I choose to be in limbo because any other decision scares me to death.

I hear you. I think had the job I just started the day d-day 2 imploded my life not existed, or it was going to start a few weeks later, I would not be here. I would have left and found work elsewhere. Because this job is a 2 year term, I now have 18 months left to go. I'm 25% of the way done with it, and if I still feel that way a year from now, I'll start looking for other jobs far far away from here.

It feels good to say that on some level but on the other: another year of this?!?!! Hopefully something pulls me to commit to leaving or staying before then as honestly, this really just sucks on a daily basis for the most part. (I will admit we had a really great night/day this weekend - made plans, and did them, and had a great time...which makes me sadder that I feel this way already and it's only Monday.)

Echo86 posted 3/18/2019 20:16 PM

Losing your spouse to infidelity is like losing a limb, isnít it? 3 months of separation and still confused. Sometimes I feel so distant from him and sometimes he consumes my mind. I want to leave him, but I donít want to lose him. And then I picture a world where weíre back together and it feels wrong. I picture a world where weíre strangers and it feels wrong.

I wish there was a way to shake this. I pray for one more sign... just one more to really confirm that I should walk away. As if the lies and cheating werenít enough... as if his psychopathic, dysfunctional family members causing me stress 24/7 werent enough. I know I deserve a happy life. But I donít know if I can ever love this much again. I still love him. I think I always will. I believe he loves me too, as fucked up as he may be. And hes desperate to reconcile. But... thereís just no trust. How can I live questioning his every move?

And god, I donít want to start over. At all. With anyone. But I also donít want to live in fear.

Sorry for the ramble... just needed to let this out. No one in real life gets it at all.

Sweet16 posted 3/31/2019 11:07 AM

Hello. I go here now.
My WS is continuing to contact AP (emotional affair, no physical contact), and refuses to admit or be honest about it.

Since he cannot get out of his active affair, I cannot be invested in our reconciliation and so here I am in Limbo until I can move forward with divorce.

Yay. /sarcasm

Tallgirl posted 4/4/2019 19:06 PM

Hi neighbours!

I too am not ready to decide to go or stay. Havenít got the energy. His betrayal sucked the life out of me.

I am unable to trust,so here I sit.

I donít think I actually love him. How can I after years of cheating and being a dick.

Tallgirl posted 4/6/2019 17:36 PM

I am moving into the separation forum.

Sweet16 posted 4/8/2019 11:37 AM

I am moving into the separation forum.

Sending you wishes for peace and healing.

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