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Support for BS in Limbo

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DeeplyHurting posted 7/15/2011 01:53 AM

Out of limbo - WH and I met tonight and officially decided to try R.

neverendinghurt posted 7/15/2011 01:57 AM

Deeply Hurting - Good luck

Crazy Daze posted 7/15/2011 03:40 AM

Yes, good luck DH. R ain't for sissies.

I have been thinking about why I haven't pushed for D.

I should be able to stay where I am, I believe I would be OK financially, our kids are in their 20's and I have been alone since March.

Oh, I don't like living alone but I am not lonely.

So why am I am limbo? IC would say that I'm stuck and push me to take a stance.

So I'm still standing, but why????? I'm going to give it some real thought and figure out the truth.

time4me2 posted 7/15/2011 05:30 AM

I feel awful about this right now but I AM IN LIMBO. 7 years of limbo, 7 years of not leaving for some reason or another. Problems with youngest son at the time, dealing with youngest son (again) joining the military (Iraq and back twice), dealing with H's cancer diagnosis. It never seems to end. My head is so messed up. I want to stay and work it out one day and the next I'm daydreaming of leaving. I promised myself that if I ever find out anything else, I'm leaving. My heart breaks for each and every one of us who have had to deal with this.

Crescita posted 7/15/2011 10:26 AM

I had MC yesterday for the first time since WH has kept NC and now I am feeling really vulnerable again. I hate it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to R.

horseluvr posted 7/15/2011 19:53 PM

Time4me2..Ditto. I thought we were doing well, still had an underlying gut feeling, but thought it was just habit. I have since found some things, of course nothing that he couldn't wiggle out of. It's not even so much of the things I found, it's the cold wind blowing through my home again. Distant, pre-occupied, obsessed with phone again. History repeating itself, but this time, I don't think I have it in me to fight it. Im tired. Feel like a floating balloon with no direction. We aren't in R, he won't go to MC, he's not transparent, he stil hasn't told me the truth of the A. I go from lonely to pissed to just not giving a shit.

neverendinghurt posted 7/16/2011 02:41 AM

So what would it take to help you to move out of limbo and into R?

For me, even now, if he would just give me a full and honest account of what happened, then I would try R.

It is the only thing I have asked of him and he hasn't done it.

There is nothing about our marriage pre Dday that I would change, nothing about the way things were between us, nothing about him I would change.

Just the truth, plain and simple.

betrayedmomof3 posted 7/16/2011 03:41 AM

NEH that's me too. I asked for one thing. The truth. He won't do it. My head knows what to do. My heart is still catching up....

We have no money, thanks to him. Our three kids are under four. I do fear being alone since I know no one will want all this baggage for another 15 years or so. But I would never stay for fear of loneliness. I was alone before dday.

I still haven't been to a lawyer...

[This message edited by betrayedmomof3 at 10:26 PM, August 19th (Friday)]

neverendinghurt posted 7/16/2011 11:05 AM


Don't despair that you won't find someone else.

When my brother raised 6 kids that weren't his

SabinatheOwl posted 7/16/2011 11:25 AM

So what would it take to help you to move out of limbo and into R?

Not willing to try R with him. The list of conditions is long & he isn't capable or willing to do any of any of it. It has been nearly 18 months & he hasn't done any of these things.

1. Accept full responsibility for his choices and the consequences that come from them.

2. Begin and maintain weekly IC sessions with a CSAT

3. Minimum weekly attendance at a 12 step meeting.

4. Anger management class

5. Honesty & transparency

6. Maintain NC (not last in importance, just last in my thought process, lol).

I know there are spouses here on SI who have successfully R'd with a recovering adddict, but my WH isn't anywhere near 'recovery' and R simply isn't in the cards.

~ Sabina

Imissmybubble posted 7/16/2011 12:20 PM

I think I might be moving from limbo to R, as well. me yesterday. Don't know what it was but he's not giving up so I guess I decided to see what he's got to say and what he's going to do. Scared spitless but nothing that comes easily is worth having, right?

neverendinghurt posted 7/16/2011 12:30 PM

((Imissmybubble)) - hope it works out for you.

Imissmybubble posted 7/17/2011 15:05 PM

Thank you, Neverendinghurt.

I know my WH was terrified for me to find out OW#2 because he fell for her...he knew that would send me over the edge. So, he lied, for a year, to protect himself. He was right, I found out and it sent me over the edge. I kicked him out of our bed and made plans for a divorce and I started getting ready to be on my own. BUT, and it's a big but, I didn't WANT to lose my marriage so even though the truth was horrifying, I now know it and can start to deal with it. If your WH knows you can get past his ugly truth and work hard to R because YOU want to, no matter what, do you think he'd tell you? Would he feel safe enough to tell you? Can you honestly say there is NOTHING he could tell you that would be a dealbreaker? Maybe he senses that there are lines he can't cross without losing you for sure so he holds back out of fear. Obviously that is soooo not fair for him to be making that decision, but he sure wouldn't be the first WH to think like that.

I hope a breakthru comes for you, soon.

frigidfire86 posted 7/17/2011 22:09 PM

It isn't that we didn't want R, it's that we haven't had from our spouse what we need to R.

This really hit home for me. I want to be married to my H. I want to R. I want to be happy WITH HIM for the rest of my life. I just don't know for sure what he wants, other than to pretend we're okay and the A didn't happen. As of right now, I'm biding my time until I'm done with school so I can move on and raise our daughter. I have one year left...he has one year to get his shit together or I'm gone.

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 10:11 PM, July 17th (Sunday)]

Crazy Daze posted 7/18/2011 02:44 AM

So what would it take to help me to move out of limbo and into R?

Just a few things.....

1. I need WS to give up OW!

2. I need WS to be open and honest with complete transparency.

3. I need WS to be remorseful.

4. I need WS to be in IC & MC.

5. I need proof that WS is giving 100% to R.

So it's limbo for me until I get the guts to file because I don't believe he will ever give her up.

Going To Make It posted 7/18/2011 11:15 AM

Let me first say, there are days that I don't post due to dh being off work. He doesn't like me to be on here (gee I wonder why) and thinks I'm not moving forward and leaving the past behind me. No, seriously.

Limbo is different to us all, but the one prevailing theme is we are not healed, the marriage is not better and the bs is still floundering. Me included

So what would it take to help me to move out of limbo and into R?

* The complete unvarnished truth, with a timeline to back it up with. He needs to prove to me that the child she had is NOT his. By virtue of being married to him, when they divorced the judge told him he couldn't request she take back her maiden name. So when she had the child (1 year younger than my youngest child 23) she gave him my husbands last name and left the father's name blank on the birth certificate.

* To show true remorse. Saying Yeah, I fucked up, I'm a shithead. I'm sorry. I'm not that guy anymore. Doesn't do it for me.

* He needs to make me believe I am the love of his life. Words just don't cut it for me any longer. He doesn't say anything different than he did before I found. The lovey, dovey crap is just a lot thicker now.

I would give my soul to love him the way I use to. I swear I thought it was unconditional, but it wasn't.

Going To Make It posted 7/18/2011 11:21 AM

We're rooting for you Deeply Hurting. You go girl!

There is nothing about our marriage pre Dday that I would change, nothing about the way things were between us, nothing about him I would change.

NEH - that's the most bitter pill for me to chew. My life was the bomb! I really had it going on, all together and now I look back and feel like a fraud. How easily I was to fool. Just having a bad day. Lots of triggers I have to go through alone.

strugglingmomi4 posted 7/18/2011 11:49 AM

Short overview...
My H had an A almost four years ago...
"He" made the final decision that he wanted his marriage and his family.. so, the healing process began... OR DID IT??

I'm not going to blame him for everything as this has been a two way street... in 2009, I left our marital home in search of that spark that I had been needing...

After his affair I was numb.. actually to the point I was litterally disgusted at the thought of being with him... so I left,(with the kids and went to stay with my grandmother) I needed so badly to find myself, to exist as ME and not as US.. he stayed in our home - I was out of the house about 6 months.. and it was devestatingly hard. I think more so because myself and my kids were not adjusting well staying outside of our home... my H and I were fighting... he already had a new gf... and it was TOUGH!

My H and I had our fist child while I was 17... I moved out of my parents house into his... He is ALL I know... He's the only true family I've ever had...

After being apart and seeing him with another woman, knowing it was not me in his life HURT and I decided I wanted back in... I wanted to be the one with my H and children.. I don't want any other woman in their lives... I was out of my comfort zone and he's all I've ever known... he is my comfort and I think that's why I went back... I'm home with him...

Since I went back almost 2 years ago.. things have been ok or at least I thought..

I'm so lost... I feel as though I'm existing only moving through the daily motions of being married... not really happy, not in love or out of love... we have no intimate connection. I feel as though we are simply raising our kids.. we don't have in depth conversations.. mostly how was your day and routine I love you's. He's hurting, knowing that I don't have that "in love" connection with him.. And I'm hurting feeling as though I'm trapped here... stuck with what we have become..

Could I really truley have been hurt SO BADLY that I simply cannot restore us?? The pain was so deep and I had to look deep inside myself and make the changes I needed to protect me.. and my children from any further hurt. I gave him my ALL.. and I mean my ALL... I simply loved him with all of my being... and once he was no longer the means of my happiness I knew I had to live for me.. and no one else. I've changed, I've grown as an individual... tyring to learn that I have to provide myself with happiness... and not relying on him or anyone else to make me happy. I've since re-united with my best of fiends... the ones that were always there.. the ones I pushed away for him.. for my family. I started doing things I enjoy... walking, running, trying new things... LIVING. I want to live... I want to have an able to feel that love again... I feel as though the light inside of me is burnt out... and I'm simply existing...

We had a fight this weekend... and underneath it all we've both come to realize that were not in a good place... not good for us or for our four small children... he's hurting... I'm unhappy... He still looks at me with that "In Love" feeling.. and I KNOW he loves me more now than he ever has. And my life is great.. I have everything I could ever want or need... So why? Why am I stuck?? I want that feeling back with him... I want to be happy with him... I just don't know how to re-gain what we once had.... I know it will never be the same, but I'll settle for something close...

Sorry for the rambling...

I feel lost... and I'm not sure where to start...

horseluvr posted 7/19/2011 14:16 PM

I do want my M, but I dont want the M I have now.

What I need for R:

1. The truth about A
2. Feel secure that he's NC
3. Know that he is here
til the end.
4. Know that he loves
5. MC to deal with
issues that were
pre-A and now.
6. Make me feel like
a priority
7. Be open to conv-
ersation about
subjects that are
hard sometimes. He wont let me in on anything other than kids and job. There is no substance. feels like we really dont know each other, which is so strange for having such a long history together.
8. work on his anger

I have never been a real needy person and am pretty easy to please. Sometimes I feel so weird saying, hey Im not feelin the love, but its so true.

[This message edited by horseluvr at 2:19 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]

GetEvenInAZ posted 7/19/2011 19:35 PM

Woo hoo! Count me in! (BTW - this trying to keep a positive attitude SUCKS!)

Still catching up on the earlier posts, but wanted to jump in and say "hello!". I've followed many of the posters in the past - holly-isis & sabina, you two in particular - and am honored to be in such wise company.

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