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Support for BS in Limbo

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Ithasfeels posted 11/10/2017 07:22 AM

I guess this is the place for me. Currently separated, WW is living with OM for a little under a month, DDay was 1.5 months ago. I'm attempting the 180 (day 1 and counting) but idk, I got to thinking how Thanksgiving is right around the corner but WW and I hardly talk, I'm not even sure what the plan is. We usually brought the two families together at her parents. My mom has invited me to come eat with her and some estranged family members, but I don't want to have to explain where my wife is or why we're separated. Seriously considering going solo for Thanksgiving, idk.

Superesse posted 11/10/2017 10:18 AM

So sorry, it sounds all very recent, in fact I think you could post this in JFO and get more support (this thread can be sleepy). I don't have parents to go see any longer, they are deceased. Treasure the time with them, would be my suggestion, even if you have to go early and talk heart-to-heart with your family before the big day. Please don't spend it alone just to save face. (((Hugs)))

orchid2424 posted 11/10/2017 10:46 AM


There are so many elements when walking this lonely trail. I don’t know much about your story but I can relate with you that the holidays are difficult - especially in the early stages. We just went through my birthday and Canadian Thanksgiving so I’ve navigated those difficult waters. Ugh.

Your WS doesn’t sound very remorseful at all so the 180 is the very best option. I know it’s hard but it is very worthwhile - it will give you an even bigger picture where her head is at. Right now worry about YOU. You have to the strongest you can be moving forward. Winning her back is not the “prize”. Making yourself strong and clearing your head so you can move forward wisely is the goal.

Like you, I don’t like answering questions about where my wh is - not many people know the situation, so I know people are wondering. My counsellor has said that you can give a “non-answer” ie. “oh, thanks for your concern”. Period. No one deserves ANY answers. The advice I was given was - share information with close family and friends - those who can truly offer you support. Anyone else - they don’t deserve a thing.

Hope this helps - please know you are not alone. It’s abroad with lots of ups and down. Just know you are worthy of goodness - on all levels. Take care of YOU.

Superesse posted 11/10/2017 10:52 AM

orchid, I missed seeing your post since it was on the previous page, Sorry. I have the same questions, 15 years on. Believe me, there are no easy answers to your questions.

But I "heard" something in his line of questioning that suggests he has still got no clue:

He is asking me "what do you want to see? what can I show you me so you will take me back?

I think that if he were working on his issues, he wouldn't be asking you such questions. He would be volunteering what he had learned about himself from counseling, etc. not wanting to put on a "nice guy mask" to make you feel safer. The real changes needed are in his heart and mind, interior and not easily seen. If he thinks just "not acting out" is going to fix what is wrong with him enough so you can be safe from another betrayal, well, I hate to say it but the absence of bad behavior by itself isn't curing what is wrong.

My SA WS "white knuckled" his problem for 12 years after counseling, without a relapse, yet he never got to the root of the "why" and 3 years ago, was arrested for soliciting. After that, he was sent by his attorney for evaluation by a CSAT. Got probation and then back to ignoring his issues. Do I feel safe he wouldn't do it again? No. What I did as an alternative to the divorce he didn't want, was asked him to sign a Post-Nup that transferred our home to me immediately, not "if he cheated again." Since then, I have just been biding my time. Zero trust, in other words, and I know this is no way to live.

So I think you're right not to trust this situation. What you want to "see" is a guy who wouldn't ever have done that, right?! Being pressured to make a decision sucks.

orchid2424 posted 11/10/2017 11:17 AM

Wow Superesse! Our stories have some similarities! My wh HAS been addressing his issues - he has been seeing a CSAT. Also trying to answer “why” he did what he did. He believes all of this is due to childhood trauma and abuse witnessed while he was young. I question the difference between post-traumatic crappy decisions and poor character. He is working the twelve step program for addiction. This is redeeming to a point but he is still doing things “for him”. For example , he took it upon himself to ask the two OW for forgiveness - even though I told him I was NOT COMFORTABLE with it. He claims it was part of “his process”. I call bullshit.

I know my WH wants the life we used to have. All of his needs taken care of. Comfortable living. To be honest, I LOVED that life. I just didn’t know my husband was a disloyal prick. I question how many good years I’ll get from him. I wil NEVER be able to trust him when he goes away because he hid his indiscretions so well for 25 years. And I’m not a naive person.

I was thinking that 3 months of living in limbo was too long - he also leads me to believe that - “either take me back or let me go”. This statement alone proves that he simple doesn’t GET IT. But wow - you have been living in limbo so long, I now feel less pressured.

Superesse posted 11/10/2017 17:25 PM

Hi orchid, glad that you feel relief about your limbo term, but I don't recommend anyone follow my example!

It's not even living as man and wife, around here. Yet he seems okay with that (sexual anorexia is the flip side of their acting out, as you have probably learned from the CSAT.) If mine expected me to ever have sex with him again after D-day 1, he would have been a free man long ago! They are not easy to figure out, that is for sure. Glad you know your SA WS is at least doing some work with a group and CSAT.

Simplicity posted 11/13/2017 16:33 PM

Filed for D, don't want it, but while H has truly ended his A, he is not sure if he wants R. He wants time to "search his soul" while I'm in agony hanging out in limbo. Everyone has told me to continue with the D. I desperately want to R, and though he doesn't want D now, with his current attitude, I cannot stop. I'm angry because not only was the affair selfish, but this request to be alone feels selfish to me. If he feels so bad for what he's done to me, shouldn't he want to do all he can to make it up to me??

orchid2424 posted 11/27/2017 18:48 PM

Simplicity -- I'm sorry he is not displaying any true remorse. You are right. If he TRULY wanted to make good on his shitty behavior, he should be bending over backwards to make it up to you. My WH has such major PRIDE and EGO issues. It is such a hard pill for him to swallow, but he is making some effort to work on himself. I agree with you filing. My WH didn't really start his hard work until he knew I had contacted a lawyer to have the papers drawn up. Maybe its the dose of reality he needs.

orchid2424 posted 11/27/2017 18:52 PM

I'm curious to know how those "IN LIMBO" are handling Christmas with children?

We are living in separate residences while he figures himself out. I made him leave. He would come back tomorrow if I let him. I'm not ready.

He cannot host our children where he lives. I'm just trying to figure out if our holidays should be spent totally separate or whether we should do some sort of combination - I get the kids three day before Christmas, we spend Christmas morning together, then I leave and let him have a few days with the kids??

I'd love to have some feedback on this and to hear how others handle it .

Lavender0916 posted 12/1/2017 21:56 PM

Hi Orchid,
Maybe I am too nice, but I would have my WH over for a couple hours with the kids, IF we lived separately. I am lucky my WH works at the airport so I won't see him on Christmas because he works Monday's no matter what holiday it is. He worked Thanksgiving too. We are currently "in-house" separated. (High cost living areas suck)

My fear for the safety of the kids is my WH takes the kids to the AP. He would do it too. He tried last year when he tried to convince the family they were "just friends". I don't approve of his new "FRIEND"

He is not safe with her, sexting while my youngest laid sleeping next to him ill. Can't wait to meet with my attorney, file for D and a restraining order on HER.

1Faith posted 12/1/2017 22:15 PM

Rent a room at a restaurant or a hotel. He made this mess. Don't clean it up for him.

Stay strong. (((hugs))))

Lavender0916 posted 12/1/2017 23:16 PM

Thanks 1Faith, still traumatized from it all. I need to find my pair of "bitch boots" God, I love that line from your profile. My stages of grieving are slower than most...anger is slow

[This message edited by Lavender0916 at 1:49 AM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

Lbshop101225 posted 12/2/2017 14:59 PM

I am also here in limbo. DDay was almost 3 weeks ago. He says he’s been unhappy for years, doesn’t believe any positive changes can be made to heal the M, won’t let go of of the AP (that he claims they are in love but have only known each other for just over 2 months), and won’t even consider R. I have been desperately clinging and trying everything to convince him not to tear our family apart. I know it’s all just pushing him further away, but I can’t seem to control myself or my emotions. He’s been staying in the guest room since dday and I feel so lost. His rewriting of our history has ripped apart my past, he’s destroyed my dreams and sense of security for my future, and my present is this torturous limbo. I’m trying to begin the 180 and also trying to find a therapist to start IC ASAP. Today, I feel, just, heavy. Like a ton of bricks are slowly crushing me and I can’t move or even cry. How do I find the strength I need?

Holdfastdad posted 12/27/2017 09:47 AM

I've finally found the thread I belong in. WW walked out on us last spring, moved back home for awhile but never stopped the A. Since has moved into her own place, trying to live two lives as a wife and mommy, but also free to see OM occasionally as she tries to figure herself out. Won't start D but won't commit to R, 20 months into this. Trigger regularly, Christmas was really tough. Says she wants our old life back when she is ready. She is diagnosed with depression but I feel she might also have BPD but refuses help or C at the moment. So stuck in limbo right now, I feel so low

[This message edited by Holdfastdad at 9:49 AM, December 27th (Wednesday)]

GrowthMindset posted 12/30/2017 18:44 PM

HOLDFASTDAD, I feel for you. To have her move out, move back home then move out again.... that is a lot for you and the kids to go through. I know there are legal things to consider but if you think she needs counseling and has bipolar, could you get any type of court order that says she needs to be getting treatment in order to be around the kids? Depression is scary as it can get worse very quickly. I lost my father to suicide when I was 15 and it was just after Thanksgiving so I know the pain of watching a loved one fuck up their life and then get to a state of feeling like they can't ever fix it.... probably why I was resistant myself to do the 180.... I suspect WH will be experiencing a depression of sorts when his fog lifts.

Keep posting here for support and be strong.

Holdfastdad posted 1/2/2018 16:40 PM

Thanks @growthmindset!! It's nice to know that someone is listening. It has been very tough for sure, on me and the kids but we are doing ok. But the truth is, despite my best efforts, you can lead a horse to water....
We have had some positive conversations lately...I'm being careful, taking my time. We'll see where it goes.
Thanks again for the kind words and support, happy new year!

37minutes posted 1/15/2018 08:33 AM

I was looking at all the other treads and said YES, "BS in Limbo" That's me!

We've been telling everyone "We temporarily separated. Talking daily and no decisions have been made."

After the second reveal, I kicked him out but found it impossible to live in the house after he told me what happened where. I got a condo downtown and moved out so he could come back home.

I really don't know what I want to do. We both have been seeing ICs for several months and went to our first MC last week. I was not happy with it! I'm supposed to look at him and find something about our 17 year relationship to compliment? Oh, hell no! I told the counselor that the purpose for me to to get the tools I need to make a decision.

I'm not sure if the MC option was taken too early or I just don't have the MC I'm comfortable with. ARGH!

I sent him an e-mail yesterday that was not very kind and told him what I thought and that I'm not sure it will work. Is this normal that you waffle from day to day? Some days I hate him! Some days I see progress.

Brokenz posted 1/16/2018 14:50 PM

I feel like I am going crazy!!! I found out my husband cheated with a 22 year old, he is 42 on Nov 5.. they were sexting since july 28.. Oral 4 times, sex 3 so he says... He said he wants a divorce.. he is still in the house.. He has done nothing nothing to move out, change banks, nothing.. Says he doesn't love her but its better than being alone.. Also, he hasn't seen her since nov3 last time they had sex... He is her boss so he sees her there only. He is not mad at me and lashing out saying I am out to financially ruin him... I will get a ton of spousal and he is letting house foreclose(not in my name). He told me that the more I ask questions the more I push him away .. I decided Sun to stop showing any emption... He is still sexting her on facebook.. do I say the hell with it and walk? Let him have his time?? He said he is so depressed.. All he does is sleep...

[This message edited by Brokenz at 2:54 PM, January 16th (Tuesday)]

Gramnolds posted 3/3/2018 06:22 AM

Brokenz, I am sorry for your situation. Unsure about your situation, but I will say my piece. Do what you need to do for you. If your WH is depressed because of what he’s done, perhaps he would try to make a change and go NC? This sounds like it’s ongoing for him. Keep asking your questions. You “pushing him away” with them is a bs reply to get the queries to stop. If you need to find out, keep pushing.

Learningtofly17 posted 3/9/2018 17:41 PM

I feel right at home on this topic. It seems that I share the same frustrations as many on here. WH often answers my questions with “ I can’t remember”, tells me in counseling every time that he wants me to come to him with my questions and feelings. As soon as I do, it’s “I don’t know, can’t remember” or “how is this conversation helping us?” I’m totally in limbo. The lies, lack of coming clean to anything unless I have proof. He’s saying I already know everything, I don’t believe it. The stronger I get, the more I’m leaning to ending it. I go back and forth with myself everyday and I’m exhausted as many of you probably are.

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