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Support for BS in Limbo

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H3LL0 posted 8/28/2015 11:20 AM


My wife cheated on me for over a year with one long term the entire time and 4 other men and a woman. The last 5 were to get back at the long term for "cheating" on her. Go figure. She gave me Chlamydia at the very beginning without my knowledge and treated me without my knowledge by going to 2 different doctors for her case and sneaking medication into my food. The long term was a sex offender who asked her what her boundaries were and to clarify asked if my 6 year old daughter was too young. First D-Day was end of March. She hasn't allowed as much as a kiss in over 90 days. Before she started cheating, she wouldn't allow anything but missionary position. I thought I had died and gone to heaven when she offered up a different position. Didn't realize she was cheating. She still never let me touch her breasts or neck... nor the other men she says.

She is trying to play the victim card because she was raped by her uncle and then repeatedly molested in foster homes. She wants to blame me for the lack of intimacy because I wasn't "doing things right" with her. Yet I had no problems with intimacy and foreplay with women before we were married... I actually love foreplay and find it a tremendous turn-on to give massages, flowers, candles, dim lights and sweet caresses, cuddling etc.

One of the cheaters was a mutual friend of ours and our extended friends. The wife of the mutual friend is even trying to reconcile with my wife!!!! She's such a victim that she is refusing to face people and give reconciliation.

I'm so pent up with sexual frustration right now I could go get a $5 crack whore and say screw the consequences. Problem is I love my 4 children and even my wife more than that even though she doesn't deserve it.

The reconciliation can't begin till she realizes that she remotely could have a problem. She refuses to go to IC although we are in MC. Our MC has started split sessions with our MC as a means to secretly start IC with my wife. MC said she is one very layered onion and apologized to me for being married to her. Said if I'm looking for reconciliation, if there isn't a breakthrough, we're looking at potentially years.

If I dump her @##, I'm worried about losing the children. I wish she would just face herself and let her husband, friends and children be there for her.

unabletomove posted 8/29/2015 21:10 PM

To all thise posting in this thread, I share your troubles. It is painful for me to think that I would "betray" myself for not moving on, but I haven't. 5 years post discovery and here I still sit in the same marriage. So much time has passed, all wasted. My wife's affair had ended and she broke all contact with him. Personal matters concerning her (some health related, some financial related) had led me to feel soory for her. Thinking I was helping her get back on her feet, we stayed married. In reality, it was me not wanting to be alone. We are freinds and do things together (dinners, movies), but there is no intimate connection whatsoever. We have good times togther and there are occasional arguments like any relationship, but we both know that is it. It is almost like we both are waiting for the other to make the first move.

Theworstwitch posted 8/31/2015 13:11 PM

Limbo here.

I am choosing limbo,

Planned limbo, biding my time. Since my WS wants to date, have sex with men and women and couples from the gutter of CL, I am going to finish my degree on his dime.

He's going to pay for some minor plastic surgery too, out of guilt. Thanks, buddy.

Right now I am channeling all my sadness and anger into planning for the future for me, away from el cheato.

Strength strength strength to those in limbo.

For me, it's either this or, because I have zero family support and have been a SAHM with an autistic son for 20 years, a divorce sooner but being less prepared to deal with life on my own.

Thanks, honey, for being such a disgusting pig of a cheater, and so broken and awful! I don't have to mull how to win your love back, of fix our "marriage."

I know what it means when it is said marriages are "irretrievably" broken, now.

Blindsided3000 posted 9/30/2015 09:25 AM

I'm in limbo. I really should not be. We are not married. We've "only" been together for two years (compared to decades in a lot of the cases on this site). But I was madly in love with the man that I thought he was and I FELT incredibly loved until I found out that he'd been living a double life the entire time. I was also incredibly excited for the life that I thought we were planning together.

I'm in limbo because I'm waiting to see if the baby is his. I told him to start going to IC now and that if the baby is not his (due in March I think), then I will go to counseling with him after the DNA test. I feel like if he goes to counseling and finds out his "whys," then maybe I can forgive and regain trust and move on. There's ego, there's low self-esteem, there's conflict avoidance (I know this now. Before I thought we never argued b/c we were super compatible), and there's some childhood sexual trauma. I guess I'm hoping he can go to counseling and get "fixed."

But I know the smart thing to do would be to count my blessings (I found out before marriage, before kids, and before he gave me an STD) and move on with my life. I don't know why it is so hard to do that.

SimplyRed posted 11/26/2015 05:01 AM

Limbo as well. I planned limbo and started what essentially is the 180 then broke. Realized limbo as I was experiencing it wasn't going to cut it. There can't be any pretending or a false front. I asked him to leave around the time of our anniversary. I have never felt such relief. My sanity is back. This is the first consequence that I feel good about. Not because it did anything for him as he is still trolling but because it did something for me and made a statement to my child. Now I feel I can go into limbo with no hidden agenda on my part. There will be rules if he chooses to come back and the boundaries will be enforced. Working on fair consequences as I expect there will be slippage.

doggiediva posted 11/26/2015 09:01 AM

I am living in physical limbo..I don't want to be in this house with my WH anymore...He refuses to leave, I have asked him to numerous times..To force him to leave, I have to force him legally..

My WH has no problems with forcing my hand, he stands to profit from no fault divorce..

Emotionally there is no marriage, no illusion of one..Neither of us pretends that there is any connection left..I have no love or respect left for the WH..

In moving forward, I could go without sex or marriage for the rest of my life..My WH was needy and selfish and the last 10 years of our marriage sucked the life out of me..

I hate this ridiculous situation I am in so late in life.. I am biding my time until my health and stamina improves, so that I can un retire, find a job after D..With that said, I hope having a job won't put me on the hook to support my WH financially in his new life.. I am 60, he is 58..40 year marriage..

Otherwise, I need to find another option or alternative so that I can afford to move out (of our house that is already paid for) and live on my own..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:47 AM, November 26th (Thursday)]

LookingGlass posted 12/27/2015 15:38 PM

I'm in limbo as well.

Long story short, I've been dating a guy for a few years and we have a child together. Marriage in the future was unclear anyway because I was scarred by my first marriage. He had an EA most of this year and there were multiple D-Days. The "final" D-Day was in June, when he went to her house finally and I discovered he was over there. I sent a scathing text to both of them, and she finally saw it 5 hours later and kicked him out. He claims there was no PA, but I was appalled at the audacity of going over her house, PA or not.

I wanted to R, but he's pretty much un-remorseful, blameshifting, and even flat out denies what I know because he deleted all the facebook messages of the EA. He's participated and attempted to participate in more EAs since then. The original EA blocked him and went NC.

Because of financial and some legal issues, I won't be able to leave until mid next year. I'm just biding my time and keeping my head low until I get my other issues resolved then I can reevaluate our relationship at that time--which I believe I will break up then, based upon his behavior now.

It's tough, though. He will occasionally flaunt my so-called undesirability, but I mostly try to ignore him and move on with my daily life. It sucks, if I didn't have these issues I would have left immediately after the final D-Day.

sstruggling posted 12/29/2015 20:33 PM

Wow! Am I ever greatful and sad at the same time to have found this forum. I am 5 years our from D-Day. My WH and I have no relationship to speak of at all. When we first attempted reconciliation (about 4-12 months after discovery) things were so blissful. It was that "high" that everyone had warned me about. However, now five years later, things are as they were before, if not actually worse. I am in a loveless marriage. My husband sleeps on the couch every night, we have sex about once every three or four months. We cohabitate and that is it. I want to leave but I am a coward. I have a 13 year old son who doesn't know about his father's affair and putting a teenager through a divorce is a terrible thing. However I also struggle with what type of role models we are for him. We co-parent, we go on family vacations and to family parties together, but there is no love. I know in my heart that his affair was a deal breaker for me. I wish I had severed ties when my son was 7. Instead I feel alone, sad and angry in my marriage most of the time. I have wasted five years of my life with my WH and I can only wonder how many more I will waste before something changes. I feel so stuck!

Momfaith posted 2/9/2016 15:38 PM

I am currently in limbo. It's the worst. My WH and I started MC and then IC. I think, well pretty much know the lies and the A are continuing. I haven't seen him since Friday morning and have not heard from him since Friday afternoon. He told me he had some side work after his regular work and that he would be coming home. But I knew that morning that he wasn't coming home. I had that feeling all day. Saturday was his birthday. I did not try to get in touch with him at all. I did try to call him Friday night and got no answer. I was out most of the day on Sunday with my 5 yr old daughter and he came home at some point. His duffel bag and toiletries were gone along with a few other things. He left me a note that said- NICE MOVE!!! YOU CAN'T KEEP XXXX(our daughter) AWAY FROM ME FOR TOO LONG!!! I sent him a text that said- You're keeping yourself away from her. No response. I am going to a lawyer for a consultation, but I am worried for if/when he comes home. I can't live like this. Also I don't know what to tell my daughter when she asks if he is coming home. His 2 older daughters live with us too, which really complicates things. I am at a loss on what to do. I have too many people telling me different things. I know I have to do what is right, but I don't know what that is!

GreatPretender posted 2/27/2016 21:58 PM

I feel all of this. ALL. OF. IT

Fireball72 posted 3/2/2016 09:06 AM

Same here. WH wants R, but refuses to get rid of the OW. We had yet another argument about it last night, and at this point, I'm just like, "Well, there is no marriage, then." If he thinks he can have us both, he's wrong.

We're in MC but at this point I'm seriously thinking about just telling her not to waste her time. It's clear that he's not serious about repairing this marriage, not as long as the OW is still in the picture.

Unfortunately, I need him around right now while I get my ducks in the proverbial row. Once I'm able to drive (still can't) and transport my daughter to and from daycare, I pretty much won't have any use for him any longer. And unless he pulls his head out of his ass by then, he'll be on the street.

It's only a matter of time.

So, yeah, same here. Limbo. No R, no D. Not yet.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 9:09 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

joannie posted 3/9/2016 04:28 AM

Limbo is not a place I want to be but I think it fits the situation.until I get full honesty and 150% no contact (phone)evidence I am just existing day by day in fear and pain. He loves me but does no actual work to help me get over it. He is kind loving and hardworking but it is all about him still. I am waiting for proof and can only check calls made not sucks. We are to all intents and purposes doing well but I don't feel safe yet.until them am I right it's limbo ?

oddball posted 4/12/2016 08:07 AM

Hello, I have my story in my profile and I must admit that it is great to be able to be able to vent this.
I could never speak to anyone about any of this.
I am a regular masculine male to everyone who knows me. however, I could never be honest in public that I have a small penis and have allowed my wife to get her sexual satisfaction from other men.

I am in my second marriage, the 1st lasted from 1992-96 we had a son and Afaik,she wasn't a cheater.
However, I have always been defined in my own mind sexually by virtue of owning a much smaller than average penis as not being sex stud material.(btw, I am not wanting pity, it is just a fact of life and in many ways I am comfortable with this)

However, I was in an ltr during my 20s (7 years), my second proper girlfriend.
She did cheat on me and often, on splitting up, I was very sexually humiliated by her verbally.
It had an adverse effect for sometime, but then I have since learned to enjoy a certain level of being humiliated and teased about my size.

My current situation, I entered into this relationship with full knowledge and acceptance that my wife's sexual experience was mostly with men that would be considered either on the plus side of average and even large.
Because of that previous experience, I decided to be open about my size from the get go and she did say that I was small down there.
This was all talked about before intimacy took place and for the first time I was entering a relationship without that hang up in the way.

We started dating in 2000 and then moved in together 2007, married in 2008.
On every other level our relationship has been mainly solid including intimacy.
However, from very early we mutually acknowledged my inability to sexually fulfill her.
So, up until 2007 she had a few FWB affairs with my consent and with me present.
The idea had come up after watching a TV show and an open converation.
Most of the time everything was fine although there was a handful of occassions where she would create an argument and then not speak to me for a few weeks and when we started seeing each other again, she would tell me that she had had a one night stand or a brief fling.
Of course she would take the stance that we were split at the time so it didn't count as cheating.
This always happened when we were going through periods when we were not involving other men in our relationship as a part of our "understanding".

When later we planned to marry (our kids having grown up) she said that she now had regrets about that situation and felt like a slut even though she had been keen at the time.
She stipulated that she just wanted a straight marriage and didn't want to talk about that past and that any mention of it by me would cause a problem as she didn't want to think about it.
She added that she felt stupid because she had got carried away with that freedom.
She also said that she no longer wished to play (small penis)sexual humilation games that we had been fine with before (Tbh I found the openess liberating because I have lived with my size hang up all of my life and up until being with my wife had been very ashamed of my lack of size)

However. I now strongly suspect that she is having the occassional lover, I do not suspect an LTA because that is not her style.
The longest affair she has had with another man was three weeks. The OM was a guy who had been with my wife twice while I was present.
This was one of the occassions I mentioned earlier in which she initiated an argument and told me not to come around that weekend.
The row was about the fact that I had postponed our moving in together because of problems with her eldest son.
I knew exactly what was going on as her younger son was away on holiday with his dad for three weeks.
That was 2007.
She didn't answer her phone during that time.
When we got back together, she then said that she had got fed up with me being there and had wanted to enjoy sex with her lover in privacy and had seen him 6 times at his place over those weeks and had sex each time.
She also stated at this time that she no longer wanted to carry on with our sexual arrangement involving other men.

In the here and now.
Our intimacy has gone from 2-3 times a week to almost nothing and now insists that I wear a condom when we rarely have sex.
(Last 18 months or so).

Now here is the confusing part.
I feel that she has been hinting that she would like us to re explore the previous arrangement.
I suspect that because of her previous shame that she wanted to put that chapter behind us that she feels that she can't just bring it up and say that she would like to go back to our previous mutual understanding.

For example.she now laughs out loud at small penis references on TV and looks at me with a cheeky smile, same goes when large ones are mentioned
(Does this seem like she is hinting ?)
I am in limbo because I am and always was okay with her having an FWB with my consent and discreet presence as was before.
I am unsure whether to bring the issue up because of her pre marriage stipulation.
Also, if I do bring this up, do I confront her about my suspicions ? (I also have a little evidence) or leave it alone as I am sure that if we went back to our previous arrangement that she would not cheat.
I am sure that sexual frustration has been a factor in her playing away, and the fact that by her own admission has always had an appetite for sexual variety and well endowed men.
Despite my attitude to her having lovers with my consent, this strong possibility that she is having sex with other men behind my back is very hurtful.
On an emotional/friendship level, our relationship is good.
I don't want to split, I just want things out in the open.

Maybe, as she stated before, she wants her fun/variety but without me being there or without my knowledge ?
Could that be the case ?
Is she afraid to initiate a chat about us going back to our previous arrangement because she doesn't want to look like she has done a u turn regarding that pre marriage stipulation and her statement that she regretted having that sexual freedom etc ?
Can I really lead myself to believe that my wife can change from that woman who.
1/ enjoyed sex with a dozen different men over a 5 year period with my approval/presence.
A few of these men she had sex with on several occassions.
2/ who also had a good few flings/one night stands during those split ups initiated by her.
Afaik, that would be at least another 6 or 7 men.
Could she have really changed ?

Before living together in 2007, it was easy for her to make an argument with me and then have a fling.
Is she doing the same now but now has to be sneaky because we are married and living together ?

I do realise that my situation is a slightly unusual in that although like everyone else here I am hurt by betrayal.
On the other hand I am okay with my wife having other lovers if I am in the picture.
I know some of you men will not understand how I can be okay with that.
In the past when she was with another man, I would sometimes leave the room to allow them privacy other times I would watch.
That would be to say that I am not sexually jealous if I am a part of it on some level.
Please read my story in the profile for a fuller picture, and please, tell me what you think of my situation and maybe what I should do.

Thank you for reading,I will be happy to read your open and honest thoughts on my strange limbo situation.

Me 55 Wife 53.

[This message edited by oddball at 3:35 PM, April 13th (Wednesday)]

oddball posted 4/13/2016 19:21 PM

PS. I Know some of you may read me and think that I have brought this on my self but I couldn't help the fact that we formed a great bond as friends and fell in love.
The fact is that I am attracted to overtly sexual women, I like women who are upfront about who they are.
From the off I knew that my wife was very sexually experienced and had been sexually active from 15 years old and had some 25 or so sexual partners that she told me about by the time I met her when she was 38 years old.
Since we have been in a relationship she has had a dozen men that were a part of our understanding plus a few flings during those separations that I mentioned above.

If you are thinking that I encouraged her further by giving the go ahead to enjoy sex with other men as a part of our relationship.
I wouldn't blame you for making that judgement.

However, I only took that path because it became obvious to me that she would otherwise either go ahead behind my back or initiate a bust up, then go and sex with another man anyway because she has more of a sexual appetite than I can satisfy.

I know that all of her flings have been purely sexual and although she enjoys sex with well endowed men, she told me that they are not worth getting involved with, she says that relationship wise that they are mainly arrogant in her experience and that they seem to think they can treat women like possesions by virtue of their big cocks.
She openly admits that they are only good for sex and that she just uses them for a few sessions and that is it.
I wouldn't change her for the world but I just want to go back to what we had before and to know that she isn't having the odd sneaky one.
It may seem odd to many guys, but I was happy when I was in the picture and knew who she was having it with.
I only actually watched about 30% of the time, so it wasn't about that.
Sometimes I wasn't in the mood to watch.

I am 90% sure that she has seen a few guys in the last 18 months.
So I am feeling confused.
If I am right and she is having affairs.
This is the first time I feel betrayed as I don't count the times that she initiated a bust up and then a fling as cheating if you see what I mean.
There was at least an honesty to that pattern.
At the end of the day, I didn't have to get back with her after every bust up.

[This message edited by oddball at 7:24 PM, April 13th (Wednesday)]

Noelly posted 4/14/2016 17:50 PM

I am surprised there are not more people posting to this topic recently. I think it is a great place for me to be right now. I don't know if anyone has any advice on this limbo. It is clearly where I am at right now. My WS has moved out and is living with his mother. He is allowing me to still use our combined income to pay the bills. He has given me all of his passwords, except to the secret email account I think he still has with AP. Of course he says he does not talk to her anymore, but it has only been two weeks since I caught them together again. I have stopped looking. I did see an attorney and it looks like I could manage everything financially, although it would be tight. My WS says he still loves me and he needs time to get himself together. So this means he is still giving to himself emotionally and very little towards really fixing this issue. My brain says leave, my heart just hurts. I hate the thought that I am waiting for him to decide what he wants. Every day recently, I am trying to remind myself of who I am and my inner strength. I still have so many weak times though.

oddball posted 4/14/2016 19:23 PM

Noelly, obviously your situation is nothing like mine, your WS affair is out in the open and I feel that you should be assertive now.
You should be demanding that he starts to address your marriage and that he is trying to make out that by needing time, that he is somehow a victim in all of this.

My limbo is a very strange one because from very early in the relationship pre living together/married.
She would initiate a split/tiff in order to either have a brief fling for a few days/weeks and then she would maintain that because we had split, that she wasn't cheating and for my part I accepted that.
Maybe that was my way of avoiding the hurt.
However, one time she put me off from coming over one weekend and then when I saw her during the week she claimed that she had been with a guy and had started to make out and had begun to perform oral sex, but then claimed that she had second thoughts, stopped there and then, and got a cab home and that full sex had not happened.
It was soon after this that we had a chat leading to having the "understanding" I mention above.
ie, she could have fun with a "guest male" as long as I was there (often leaving them in private/sometimes present and watching).

As I explained above, we stopped this arrangement in 2007 when we moved in together.

My limbo right now is that she continues to be a great wife although intimacy has become much less and a few things have pointed to her getting sex elsewhere.
It is complex, I feel that she gave her reasons for no longer wanting to have other men join us but wants to continue having her fun without me being in the picture.
I gently suggested last night that we should make use of the adult encounter ads again as in pre 2007 and all she said was that she wasn't into that anymore.
I didn't confront her with my suspicions but nothing she said reassured me.
I have been trying to read between the lines of what she said yesterday.

IDK. Is your limbo is worse or better.
I am in position where it is easy to remain in denial because nothing is in my face.
However. Intimacy going from at least 2-3 times a week to maybe, once every 10-12 days.
That hurts.

I just wonder what anyone thinks of my situation.

[This message edited by oddball at 7:30 PM, April 14th (Thursday)]

lexie122 posted 4/14/2016 20:50 PM

Oddball I don't know how to respond to your situation as it is very different from the limbo I am experiencing. But if I were to give you any advice, it would be make sure she knows your boundaries if you are ok with someone else being with her and you watching that's cool...your cup of tea so to say. But if you feel that she is going behind your back without being in your agreed upon boundaries you need to investigate. Check cell records, put a Voice Activated recorder in car or room in home. Do not confront without proof as cheaters always lie. But I would discuss that you feel like your sex life is becoming infrequent and you would like more and will iniate if she needs. Sometimes after time we as wives get busy with the day to day stuff and are tired, not that we don't want it, just don't want to be the aggressor. Remember communication is the most important if you don't express your needs she can't help u with them. Good luck and I hope it's just life simply got busy and not your fears.

lexie122 posted 4/14/2016 20:58 PM

Grr. So tired of dipping my toe in the pool thinking he is getting it and maybe I can do this then something as simple as him getting up to take kids to school 1 day a week turns into me asking for too much. He said in MC he could do that because it would really help me. The first thing I have really asked for. Now he's grumpy and witching about it and I said fine I will just get up early take them to grandparents before I go to work. So he yells I said I would do it so I will even if I need sleep. So back to firmly on the fence no toe dipping. If he can't follow through on this without acting like a child how can he follow through on the big things. God I wanna throw up.

Noelly posted 4/14/2016 22:05 PM

Odd Ball, sorry I didn't respond to what you said. I wasn't sure how I could be helpful. I agree with Lexi122. So different from anything I ever experienced. I do wish you luck.

Papercoversrock posted 4/14/2016 22:34 PM

Oddball, I would take a 2 pronged approach initially.
A. You sound worried that she's having an affair and there are signs (less intimacy, condom wearing required, etc.) so you should take steps to find out, voice activated recorder, etc. Post question in "General" forum for tips. She may have found someone that is not as open to sharing as you are.
B. Take a look at literotica online and search for small penis and humiliation stories and schedule some story time. Keep in mind though that as much as it is a turn-on for you, it might not still be a turn-on for her. But reading a few stories outloud together should lead to having a conversation about it and maybe other fantasies she has.

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