Haven't posted in a hot minuet, but it is coming up to a year since DDay (for those wanting back story 'valentines DDAY' was my first post). Myself and my WS have done so much work over the past 8 months, long talks, listening and reconnecting.
Honestly things are good right now, he is refusing to let me help with any plans for our anniversary which is next month, because in his words he owes me one and he wants to do it all himself. He is the man i knew again, offering to help with things to do with my mother (trust me that takes a special kind of person), he has respected my sisters wishes to not go to her home for almost a year and is communicating so much more and in a way he struggled with before.
It has taken me a while to trust him even a little bit, but being honest with him about the fact it is hard to trust him but being open that i want to trust him.
I really want to trust him but i am still struggling, i will get thoughts like 'when he wouldn't answer the phone so our daughter could say goodnight, was he with her'? 'Is this new move during sex one he tried with her first'? 'was he thinking about her when he was at home and sharing a bed with me'? 'what did she offer that i wasn't in the 11 years we had been together'? 'why did he chose to be with her over being at home with his family and his partner of 11 years and i gave him everything'?
Those thoughts do pass, therapy has really helped plus good at home practices and talking them through with him, but at times he does show that it upsets him when i ask these questions but he does understand in a way. For him he wants to forget what happened and move on, do not get me wrong i would love for that too but it is hard. I do not want to be thinking about it and actively try not to but i can not help it.
The trust was broken in the worst way and i do struggle slightly sometimes.
But the good is that we are rebuilding and it feels like we are creating something stronger. Our communication is stronger, we are prioritizing spending quality time as a family and also time together (we have got hooked on celeb traitors UK, we watch it together each week and have even waited a few days if we are working or kids have been ill, to watch it together), I have started a new job in a sector i am passionate about and he has been super supportive, I have started an undergraduate degree (at 35 but its never too late) and again his support has been amazing because juggling home, children, work and Uni is hard. He has sought help himself which has helped .. go figure. I haven't checked his phone in almost 4 months but i know his password, i just dont feel the need any more, before there was a horrid gut feeling to look but that has gone completely.
Another positive is that despite a deep urge of wanting, i have not reached out to the woman which i do think has helped.
For anyone else coming up to the one year mark, it is hard im not going to lie about that. My thoughts about things are becoming more apparent the closer we are getting to the date where he has said it started, i am having bad dreams and getting lost in my head a bit more, but i know why and the cause and talking it through with him helps and i know it will pass.
But that is it, it will pass i have to believe that and i do believe that. Deciding to stay was the hardest decision i made but i do not regret it.
