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Oh yeah , and because he only did oral sex with a condom , "he didn’t have sex with another person" . At this point I’m working up the courage to ask him to leave .

I really would hate to rub salt on your wound, Leelee, but if it helps with your decision, I have a lot of trouble believing someone with his mindset would take the time to open a condom package and put one on just for some spur of the moment oral sex. I'd have serious doubts it was only limited to that, either. Especially if it wasn't spur of the moment and planned out in advance.

I think you know how weak it is for him to even try to blame you for his choices. I think offering you a "hall pass" is beyond absurd. Like that would even balance the scales anyway. Revenge sex with "permission" granted doesn't even come close to comparing to being deceived, lied to, the sneaking around, and the way you discovered it. Plus I'm sure you're more insulted by it than understanding of the offer.

He is not a safe partner at all. You're more than well within the reasonable range of asking him to gtfo. Do not fall for any BS or charm. After the conversation you just described I'm almost positive it's not going to be sincere.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:46 PM, Saturday, September 19th]

I’m trying to hype myself up to have the talk about asking him to leave / end the relationship. But I just feel a big heaviness in my chest. I’m afraid of how it will go- will I get sucked back in emotionally etc. , I wish I could fast forward my life a little bit because it’s so uncomfortable to be in the middle of this situation.

I understand Leelee Lu.

Think this: you don’t have to rush any action.

What he is trying to do is to keep you reactive, so you can’t regain even a bit of center and you keep floating into the emotional chaos he caused to you.

It’s an almost subconscious tactic many abuser use, what he fears is your center, clarity, calm.

He pokes at you with passive aggressiveness, gaslighting, blame shifting, denial, to drive you deeper into chaos, because chaos is both his familiar place and also the one who keeps both of you blind to the truth and clarity or accountability.

Drama isn’t connection or communication, is a childish response to distract from the reality that the kid did steal the cookie jar, and burned the home in the process.

Is a distraction, and it works because your are deeply wounded and destabilized.

Don’t allow that to happen.
Put up a boundary, simple.

You don’t want to engage until you are in a better place and can see with clarity. You refuse any drama.

The emotional aikido thing is to protect yourself from his trying to kick you to the curb when you are down and bleeding.

Take your time, you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.
You are aware you can walk the door in any moment if his presence becomes intolerable and inform him when you come back you don’t want to see him there. Through lawyer if necessary.

Or when you feel ready and centered enough to confront, then you will have a better emotional baseline to do it.

Until then, if he tries to bait you into drama, just aikido.

If you were working on your relationship, the. You see how that something you might need to address. But you are not, so theirs is no need to talk about it.

Then leave and do something (anything) for yourself.