SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have posted before about finding out about my WS affair and what to do with reconciliation or divorce.
The truth is that while she had a physical affair (multiple times with an old University friend), after reading through this forum a lot I realise I was having emotional affairs for a long time - watching porn; webcams, speaking on sex sites.
I knew that it was a problem... I didn't seek help for it and I didn't confide in my wife.

I cannot help now but look at my actions and see how it led to the affair my Wife ultimately committed and led to her feeling of depression and suicidal thoughts - I feel unspeakably guilty.

I didn't commit anything physical; but I know I cheated - I just didn't get found out. There were times over the years where we would talk about porn and have a heart to heart where things improved and for a long period - a number of years - I was 'good' in not going on webcam sites or having emotional affairs. I think I lapsed after the birth of our child and that triggered my wife's depression.

I am saying all this as I am now reflecting on the outcome of the affair; we have been through MC and IC - my wife wants to R and has put a lot of effort in. We have been open about everything; I have said about my own actions and how I feel guilt towards having caused this situation.

Even knowing all this....and knowing how I contributed to where my life is now; with a wife that has worked and wants to R and a lovely family with a loving daughter.... I still deep down don't want to really reconcile.

I am a coward. I don't want to put the work in to not watch porn. I don't want my life to be defined by having to put 'controls' in place to make sure I don't watch porn, if on a night out don't flirt with another woman. I know how this makes me sound and some reading here may be disgusted but I am trying to own who I am as a person and ultimately who I want to be.

I have applied for Divorce and my wife has asked me where I see my life in the future. Honestly I don't see myself with anyone - I would rather be on my own and just live my life as I want to - not beholden to anyone.

Am I broken? Am I still dealing with the aftermath of the affair and this is just me trying to protect myself? Sometimes I feel like I have tried to reconcile as much as I can - other times I know in my heart that I haven't tried enough and it's because I don't really want to change.

I have tried to be as open and honest to my wife about this as I can...and she is still wanting to Reconcile. I think I must be mad

Ctt2025

No judgement here.

Would it be a fair statement that you are feeling its "It’s too much."

I have a question:

If you look ahead 1, 5, 10 , 20 , 30 years will you be content and happy being the person you describe above?

The last question I ask is similar to the one I had to ask myself. If I don’t do the work will i be happy and content in life in 10, 20, 30 years from now? I wavered many times and frequently said "F" it when i was just living in survival mode and had zero left in me to do anything. But….. i knew if i didn’t do the work, i would still feel the same next year, the year after and the year after that as i did/do today.

[This message edited by EndingsLTA at 12:52 AM, Saturday, August 1st]

I think you have to be honest with yourself and others, and if you don’t feel monogamy is important to you there are ways to be married and non-monogamous if that’s the only issue.

Also, I would consider clearly if you have an addiction. Let’s say your wife asked you to quite drinking, taking drugs or gambling. Someone with an addiction will choose their addiction. Honestly this is how it sounds to me rather than just wanting to be free.

But it could be that.

If you are not willing to put in the work to find clarity, I think you are in for a bumpy ride in life. I think you are avoiding having a true connection with someone and you should lean into investigating that.

Also I think since you have been betrayed you also could be burying your feelings about that instead of dealing with them and that too could be leading to the avoidance.

I don’t think you are broken, if something happened to my husband I am not sure I would want to remarry, so I get the feeling of liking the idea of being on your own. But I also imagine it will be lonely.