SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was just going to reply to my original post but I guess it's snoozed or something.

After I posted my story here several months after DDay #3ish, I hung around and posted some and read a lot. I took the summer off, but I wanted to check in. First, to offer my gratitude not just to those who replied to my story, but to so many here who are so raw and honest with their own stories, and so empathetic and compassionate to others. I have close friends in my life that know my story, but I know, and they know, that they can't truly understand what it is like to go through this.

I won't recap my story, but it's been 16 months since everything finally ended. IC and MC, telling our oldest two kids, all of the things. I know that I am trudging through the "plain of lethal flatness", and I've learned a lot about myself in IC, especially how my idol of approval that focused so intently on my father growing up transferred to my wife in our marriage. How that idol played no role in her A, but it has been the biggest hurdle for me in recovery. I am working daily on being secure in my own identity as separate from "us", even as we remain committed to each other and rebuilding a new marriage. There are days that the deep sadness of it all just hangs over me, and I can see her seeing it. At it's worst, I feel desperate for her approval, her encouragement, her affection. On these days it is almost impossible for me to initiate my own affection and encouragement towards her. I may say the words, hold the hand, but she can feel the flatness in it. Though I know she alone can't fill that hole and be on that pedestal again (because that role in my heart should be Christ's alone), on the bad days I WANT her to be able to fill it. I've told her in tears that our marriage was definitely my idol, SHE was my idol, and damn it was a good idol. I struggle to allow Christ to fill that role. On those bad days, sometimes I want to scream at her to fall down on her knees and sob in gratitude that I stayed, to go on an on about how strong and forgiving I am, to shower me with affection.

On the good days, I feel the love of my Savior, and can love my wife more freely, empathize with the pain that SHE is going through, as well, and reach out to comfort and encourage her. I am a broken sinner just like her. I will never do to her exactly what she did to me, but I've hurt her, too. I've given in to my own sinful desires in many areas of life. All of our sins grieve the Lord the same. I pray that these good days will somehow outnumber the bad one day. I have so much to be grateful for. Our oldest is headed to college next week. Our health is great. Our parents are alive, and they love us well. Our friends have mostly stuck by our side.

But dang, sometimes its just so lonely. To know that 99% of the people you live around and work with everyday have no idea the pain you've been through, and still feel. Thanks for being that for me.

I've learned a lot about myself in IC, especially how my idol of approval that focused so intently on my father growing up transferred to my wife in our marriage.

On those bad days, sometimes I want to scream at her to fall down on her knees and sob in gratitude that I stayed, to go on an on about how strong and forgiving I am, to shower me with affection.

Gentle reminder that you can believe those things are true about yourself, that you are gracious, strong, and forgiving. God also sees you clearly for who you are, and He will affirm them too, if you listen. You can also ask for affection from your W any time you want it.

On the good days, I feel the love of my Savior, and can love my wife more freely, empathize with the pain that SHE is going through, as well, and reach out to comfort and encourage her. I am a broken sinner just like her. I will never do to her exactly what she did to me, but I've hurt her, too. I've given in to my own sinful desires in many areas of life. All of our sins grieve the Lord the same

You are divinely Forgiven. Washed clean by the blood of Christ. Don't forget it. Maybe you would enjoy the song "Somebody Like Me" by Caleb & John, featuring CAIN

I think it’s an astute self awareness that you can see her approval of you as an idol. Because betrayal often feels like judgmment of worth to a bs.

I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but just as often the person who cheated is actually making a statement of their own worth. We love others through the lens we love ourselves. We respect others the way we respect ourselves. And we as the ws often try and perceive ourselves through how we believe we are perceived by others. And in my case, my resentment of my husband had about to do with voids I should have been filling in myself.

All this to say, what you are describing is probably the same sort of thing she struggles with, but her way of coping with it was wrong.

You are a humble man trying hard to forgive and that is a hard climb if you feel her cheating was a statement about you.

I get you are logically seeing that but emotions take time to catch up. I know how hard it is to heal that and form a more firm opinion about yourself and what you have to offer.

You are on the right path even if that doesn’t seem clear. I don’t mean the path about what you choose ultimately about your marriage. But in reflecting on basing your self worth on what another person has to say about it through their behavior.

And you are not wrong to say any to see and hear some appreciation for trying to stay with her. I think that’s a separate issue from worth. I think a ws should reflect on that to their bs from time to time. Sometimes it’s not a big conversation—we will be enjoying each other and I will just exhale and say something like "to think I could have missed out on this, I was such a fool."

Those expressions are needed and you aren’t wrong to want them. Communication is important—-we all want to be seen and recognized in the way we struggle or in our victories. Maybe you can find a way to tell her that without being prescriptive about it. Meaning if you tell her exactly what you want her to say then it’s going to fall flatly. Perhaps you just tell her you would like to feel more seen in the way you struggle and try when you don’t have to. Her reaction may be telling for you.

Keep processing and let it out. It feels a lot like suffering now but you are healing. It’s so excruciatingly slow sometimes that it’s no wonder you feel the way you do, and a lot of bs experience this—-it’s human nature and normal.