SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Posted this in reconciliation and after reading it again my mind is all over the place.

I'm back after 10 years. At least I think I am...

Husband seemed a bit off so before his business trip I checked his bag and there were some viagra in there. Now that's not the issue because he could have put them there for a trip we took together. The issue is when he returned from business trip there was 1 missing. Yes I counted it was easy as there were only a few in there. That was 4 months ago. About 2 months ago before another business trip it appears he added one. It's a different brand that he has in his drawer. When he returned from that trip the pill was still there. In the midst of this he believes I was having an emotional affair with a friend of ours. I haven’t confronted him yet. Truthfully I know he's capable of getting me to believe whatever excuse he may have. Or is there a logical explanation for a Viagra to go missing while on a trip? Maybe I just leave it alone? I have a good life and I just want peace.

Why won’t I just confront him? It’s really starting to bother me. I’m 59 years old and perhaps that’s what is holding me back. Do I really want to start over?

Sister,

I can not imagine any other reason a guy would carry viagra (consuming it changing brands, etc) on a trip other than "this is a no longer fit man with a not well functioning apparatus that is planning to have sex with prostitutes while nobody is looking "

I assume prostitutes because if he was having an affair he would have some stashed away at his AP place.

In all good will that is the most likely explanation.

And since you already fought this terror in your past your system feels that confrontation will cast you back in the abyss.

However I feel you already are thee, your mind might be just trying to deny it so it will not see that is drowning back in once again.

In this case confrontation could help you to at least reclaim your agency.

Is terrible that you have to go through again, but I am afraid he is cheating and he is not healed nor a safe partner.

Just a cheater

I dont know much about these types of pills other than what they are for, so take this with a grain of salt.

Not trying to defend him, but for your own sanity I think all possibilities should be examined.

Is it possible he's using them to gratify himself instead of cheating? Do you have any other evidence? Or is it just the pills?

Thank you both I truly appreciate the 2 perspectives. Unfortunately my gut knows what really happened. I didn’t confront originally because son was getting married and I didn’t want to be the cause of chaos. I’m just so confused on what to do

It must be incredibly hard to deal with another round of this 10 years later!

You say you want a good life and you want peace. Can you really say that you'll have either of those now that you have this new knowledge?

Before you can be ready to confront him, you need to be ready to accept the consequences of doing so. Are you ready to walk away from the marriage? Because it sounds like you've given him more than enough chances, and he keeps hurting you. Have you looked at the Fear vs. Reality thread in the Divorce forum? Fear of the unknown can keep us from making big changes.

59 might be too late for some things, but it's not too late to live a happy and peaceful life on your own. I'm 51, so a bit younger than you, but I have health issues that leave me with the capacity of an 80 year old. I'm not planning to remarry. I have, however, found peace and joy, and I'm looking forward to the future more than I ever was while staying in an unhappy marriage.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 5:04 AM, Thursday, July 9th]

Thank you both I truly appreciate the 2 perspectives. Unfortunately my gut knows what really happened. I didn’t confront originally because son was getting married and I didn’t want to be the cause of chaos. I’m just so confused on what to do

You are not nor going to be the cause of chaos.

The traitor is the cause, he is betraying you, your family, your son and everyone who belongs in the outskirts of your relationship (again).

Yes you know what happened most likely. I read now in your signature that the guy had a prostitution problem already.

I think people who are in a relationship and still go to prostitutes have a serious problem with accountability and commitment, they spend time dreaming and looking for a relationship and once they get it, they begin to struggle and bite the leash to find escapism (they don’t want to leave, just fantasy escape).

Sex workers are their go to, no emotion, just performance and safety from "complications" (meaning ‘my woman will never find out’, but he is the circus clown, not James Bond).

We have a very specific slur to call these men, it’s kind of translatable to "slutter", and it’s a bit more insulting than when you call a woman a "whore".
Actually it doesn’t even have a positive connotation unlike ‘whore or slut’ can in sexual banter, is just negative, means you have no attributes, balls, character, reeks of desperation and cowardice. Is just insulting and well deserved.

I don’t know if my profile fit your husband, still I had the feeling that your hesitation to confront is because you still have feelings for him and you wanted to believe in your reconciliation, now the blow finding out he didn’t change, he was just flying low.

Am I close?

Can I ask you something very personal outside of logic, pain and mind?

What does your heart desire right now? You still hope he can be in your life? Or do you want him and his pain gone?

Answer only if you feel comfortable, I would love to give you advice but I need to know where your emotions are the strongest still, not in intensity (that’s always going to be pain on Ddays), but in desire.

For only knowing that I can give you any different advice from "kick his nuts behind him while walking him around the world, 3 laps".

I am trying to make you smile because it sucks and you need some love, even from a stranger.

You deserve peace

What does your heart desire right now? You still hope he can be in your life? Or do you want him and his pain gone?

Thank you backfromthestorm!
The only answer I can give you is I don’t know what my heart wants right now.

We’ve been married 36 years and it’s all I know so it’s frightening to think about him not being in my life. Then there are times I want him gone.

I do know I need to confront him but if I do, how do I stay because I don’t think I can believe any excuse he may have.

The funny thing about this is my guy knew to check his bag 4 months ago and now my gut says nothing. I’m easily taken advantage of because I’m weak and he’s very confident and convincing.

[This message edited by happyplace at 1:15 PM, Thursday, July 9th]

happyplace.

I was 64 when I discovered my wife's 15 year affair over 4 years ago. At that age I was preparing for retirement and spending the rest of my life with her. Like you I could not imagine my life without her. Did not want to be alone or start over. My wife has changed and we have both done the work and created a new marriage. It's not perfect but it works. A good marriage is based on honesty and respect, and it appears that your husband is not holding up to his end of the agreement. Life is too short to be worrying about your husband day in and day out. Nothing is going to change unless you talk about this with him. Stop walking on eggshells with him and deal with your concerns, they are valid as his past history has shown. Your health and wellbeing are at stake here.

Lost1313

Happy,

We’ve been married 36 years and it’s all I know so it’s frightening to think about him not being in my life. Then there are times I want him gone.

I know there’s cognitive dissonance, usually one feeling is stronger (as in more prevalent) than the other.

I get the impression that you are still very bound to him, what you don’t want is the pain from betrayal (of course).

I can’t say if it is because love or codependency yet.
Only you know that answer.

I do know I need to confront him but if I do, how do I stay because I don’t think I can believe any excuse he may have.

The funny thing about this is my guy knew to check his bag 4 months ago and now my gut says nothing. I’m easily taken advantage of because I’m weak and he’s very confident and convincing.

This is because (and I think the same) you already know the truth. He is indulging with prostitutes and he can’t get it to work without viagra. And I don’t joke about other men who experience that kind of issues, isn’t funny and who knows when I’ll get old, nobody guarantee you will be a stallion forever! but… got to admit that the combination of being a prostitute serial cheater with that added dysfunction is pretty pathetic:

- cheating on your woman is already pathetic enough
- prostitutes + viagra is sad (would be ok for single guys, sad but in a empathic way)

Add the two together = emasculated loser.

Not to bash your husband, just to give your wounded heart perspective of who you are dealing with, just how little he is as a man .
You have no reason to fear him, he should fear you.
You are a worthy woman.

He is a little worm who thinks he can use you as a backup and plays your fears to keep you codependent.

Playing with your love and fear isn’t what a partner should ever do.
Is manipulative abuse to build himself up at your cost.

Your gut knew all along, now you’re frozen because fight/flight feels like being alone and having to realize what you knew all along: you should leave him, you should have left him long ago.

And isn’t a criticism of your attachment, I respect a woman who endures hardship for the man she chose, I admire it (it’s not healthy but you wanted to believe he could change). You can love.

And I understand the fears of mature women the fear to not be able to find a new partner. I had it when I was younger and broke because women might have desired me sexually but never took me seriously as a life partner (you don’t have financial security, independence ability to support and provide yet, etc), so they may sleep with you and move to a "provider ".
Then when guys grow older the roles become reversed, they become universally more attractive for "mating".

They are both incredibly unfair facets of relationships and we all have to confront them.

But… while I do understand the fear of it, and know it gets harder for women with time, that doesn’t mean it is impossible. As likely many ladies here who left their cheating husbands could testify, they managed to find wonderful men, safe and loving partners who Want to share their life and love together.

I tried to address this fear, because I sensed it earlier and I want to tell you sister, if you don’t love him anymore then you do have other options. It’s never too late to love, until you live.

What does resonate with you about this? What’s missing?

That you deserve better is without questions, just trying to understand what is the best path forward to decide how to confront him.

I’m easily taken advantage of because I’m weak and he’s very confident and convincing.

What would a person who is strong and hard to take advantage of do?

Fake it til you make it.

I’m easily taken advantage of because I’m weak and he’s very confident and convincing.

This is a great thing to be talking to your therapist about. You’re seeing one, aren’t you?

Negative self-talk is self-fulfilling. If you tell yourself you can’t do something, then you can’t. Try replacing it with positive self-talk - it may seem silly, but it can really help.

Thank you Backfrom.
He actually has no medical reason to take Viagra and only takes it sometimes because he can last longer and for some reason some men think this is what women want 😂

In my mind I don’t have enough evidence so he will probably deny. I’m kinda an absolute proof thinker… no grey area either guilty or not
This I know is what’s holding me back.

Gotthemorbs..
A strong person would have left long ago.
But I didn’t so I’m guessing a strong person would not be sitting on this for months and at the very least would confront with confidence and courage

Letme… no I’m not seeing therapist right now.
But I’m in the process of getting one.
Yes positive self talk can be powerful but if I was strong I wouldn’t be back here 10 years later.
That being said I’m working on getting strong.
I need a good therapist and confidence in myself to not be so afraid to make a wrong decision.

I take a daily 5 mg tablet of Cialis prescribed by my urologist. It's a medication that helps with urination because it relaxes blood vessels and there is another positive side effect as well. I am also on testosterone replacement therapy which increases blood pressure and Cialis lowers blood pressure so they kind of balance out

If I was going on a trip and my wife saw that pill container in my bag it would not raise a red flag. But if I was not taking that medication on a daily basis and she found 10,20,50 mg viagras in my bag there is only one possible explanation.

For your own sanity I think you need to confront him. I wouldn't tell him what you found, I would just ask him if there's something the two of you need to discuss. This gives him an opportunity to come clean. If he acts confused then you can ask did anything happen on your business trip? If he says no then I think you need to ask him why he had Viagra in his bag. He may try to darvo you, act outraged that you invaded his privacy by going through his bag. Do not let him deflect the topic of the conversation. If I had cheated on my wife and I was going on a business trip I wouldn't be surprised in the least to see her search my bag nor would I be upset. I gave her a valid reason to be suspicious

Listen to his explanation unless he tells you he didn't take them with him which would be idiotic. If he leaves you no choice then I suggest telling him you know how many he had when he left and how many he came home with. This backs him into a corner and he can either come clean or try and come up with some explanation though I'm not sure what explanation would be acceptable. I find it a great stretch to believe a man would take that medication with him on the business trip just so he could jerk off in a hotel room

I also suggest going through his financial transactions from the trip. You might see an anomaly. But please do not sweep this under the rug nor allow him to do so

ETA: you posted that he thinks you are having an emotional affair with a friend. Have you had a discussion with him about this? Asked him what you are doing that makes him think this ? Maybe he is using that to justify stepping out? I am by no means suggesting that there is any justification for infidelity. My point is maybe he is telling himself well, if she is doing something on the side, then it's okay for me to do so.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:39 PM, Thursday, July 9th]

WB… thank you.
I am going to confront him I just need to prepare for denial and how to handle that. Hes pretty quick in his feet.
As for the EM he thinks I was having it’s a friend of ours that we spend a decent amount of time with when we are at our other home. We were all out and friend sent an odd text to me that could have been taken that way. I’m still not sure what text meant as he will not let me talk to him.
Also this was weeks after the pill went missing so if he did cheat it was before that.

He has another trip coming and been wondering if I wait to see if anything is missing when he gets back. The big issue here is that if nothing is missing I will probably dismiss the whole thing because I know myself and just think I'm looking into this too much also we have vacation travel soon and he’s booking flights.
Oh and I just can’t take this anymore.
Thank you again

I’m kind of solution-oriented myself.

I would bide my time. And right before the next trip, I would take his pills out of his suitcase and wait to see how he reacts.

If he’s using them at all, he will have some kind of reaction.

He may accuse you.

He may not say anything, but start looking around for them in the house. I would make note of where he’s searching, because that would tell me places to look through once he’s gone.

He may not notice until he goes to use them on the trip, and you’ll get a weird call or message, or he will act pissed "for no reason" once he returns.

Or, if he just has them in there and forgot about them, he won’t notice at all. (I seriously doubt this outcome, however.)

Another thing I would do is take note of the pharmacy, and see if he has an online account where you can see if he has gotten refills and how often.

While he’s gone, I would search everywhere and everything he touches in that house, and in his car, too. That house would be "deep cleaned" as a surprise when he gets home - and if he has anything stashed he will immediately go looking for it.

If he has a desktop or tablet he leaves at home, get into it.

"Trust but verify." He has you believing he is so strong that no matter what he does you will cower in fear.

Rise up. You have one life, and it would be a shame to waste it on a lying cheater who gaslights you into believing you’re weak.

Nobody takes viagra to play with themselves.
Don’t fall for that excuse.

You are strong. You have the capability to do what strong people do. It's just a matter of convincing yourself you can.

What 5decades said is very clever and would probably provide you additional confirmation of what you already suspect, if you're willing to wait that long before confronting him. Preparing for denial is good, especially if you can come up with pre-fab responses to rely on when the emotions are high and he is attempting the manipulation in real time, but don't the preparation keep you from the eventual confrontation.

Oftentimes when one partner is cheating, they will become suspicious/jealous/controlling with the other partner. They worry that what they are doing could happen to them, too.