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Skills I am trying to Master

I listed these out as a reminder list for me.

Obviously this is all a work in progress!

I'm curious to know if there is anything substantial missing from you guys opinions. Help Me Complete / Curate the List

Here it is so far:

1. Time-Outs

Pause when either of you is triggered.

Clingers: Practice self-soothing. Switch to other sources of connection (friend, walk, journal) — without guilt.

Avoiders: Call the time-out before shutting down. Say: "I need a break. I’ll come back at 3:30." Keep that promise.

Repair Attempts: Normalize resets: "I think we’re off track. Can we start over?" Use this before things escalate.

2. Mirroring = Thought Empathy: "Send, Mirror, Check, Pull"

Let the sender speak fully. The receiver mirrors exactly what they heard, checks for accuracy ("Did I get that right?"), then asks: "Please Tell Me More About That"

Match the slower person’s pace. No rushing.

Speak less . Listen More.

3. DISARM, PREVALIDATE and Validate / Feeling

Start with: "You might have a good point there" or "You're right that I do xyz"

Then name their emotion: "I can imagine you’re feeling hurt because I canceled plans again."

Inquiry: "Tell me how you're feeling?"

Not agreement but acknowledgment.

4. "I Feel" vs. "I Think"

✅ "I feel sad." (True emotion)

❌ "I feel ignored." (Thought/accusation) →

Rephrase: "I feel lonely when we don’t talk at night."

Tune in daily to own body. Name the feeling, not the story.

5. Opinions = "I Think"

Say: "I think…" or "I believe…" — never absolute truths.

This leaves space for their truth. No "You always" or "You never."

6. SHARE EVERYTHING

No Omissions, No Avoidance

Share hard truths — with care.

Ask: "Can I share something vulnerable?" Then use the tools.

Make it safe: stay calm, don’t interrupt.

If they’re sharing, your job is to listen not fix.

7. Daily Appreciation

Name what you admire — specific, real, small.

"I loved how you laughed at dinner."

Revisit happy memories.

Gratitude builds emotional credit.

8. Fairness ≠ Resentment

Take turns. Both must say "fair" — but dig deeper:

"Are you saying yes because you want to, or because you’re afraid to say no?"

Self-care isn’t selfish. Hobbies, space, rest are non-negotiable.

9. Emotional Fitness

Use CBT to manage anxiety/depression.

Sit with discomfort. Name it: "This is anxiety. It’s here to protect me."

Cry when needed.

Self-compassion > self-criticism.

10. Physical Connection

Hold hands. Hug. Initiate touch — even small. Reach out with your hand.

If you need a hug: "Can I have a hug?" Make it long.

Affection rebuilds safety.

11. Repair with Apology

Apologize specifically: "I’m sorry I raised my voice — it scared you, and that wasn’t okay."

Accept apologies with: "Thank you for saying that. I accept your apology."

No "but."

12. Weekly Check-In (10 mins)

"How are we doing?"

Mirror. Validate. Appreciate.

Preventive care for connection.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 8:02 AM, Monday, June 29th]

Ah, I knew it was you.

Maybe it's just my trauma talking, but some of these things read a bit... slippery to me. Like easy to misuse

First off, I'm curious about when you're thinking these principles are applicable. After one partner has fundamentally betrayed the other, there may well be times when the BS doesn't give a fat damn about reflecting and mirroring and accepting apologies. Is there an expectation that these are ground rules for both partners, or is this a guide for the WS only?

Second, I have an issue with always validating and saying "you're right." Sometimes, people are wrong. Even betrayed spouses can be wrong. Being cheated on doesn't confer a cloak of infallibility.

You can understand and even accept bad behavior from someone you have wronged, but that's not the same as validating the behavior itself. Authenticity is the cornerstone of rebuilding trust. Be honest. All people do not, in fact, make sense all the time. "You're right" indicates agreement, not acknowledgement.

I was also wondering if these things were meant to go both ways. That's the impression I got from the original post.

"You're right" indicates agreement, not acknowledgement.

Yup. "I hear what you're saying" or "I understand why you feel that way" would be better for acknowledgement. Sometimes our thoughts and emotions are unreasonable, disproportionate, or based off of incorrect information about the reality of a situation. It's okay to recognize that and work through it, whether in conversation with your BS or elsewhere... But "all people make sense all the time" removes any anchor to objectivity we might otherwise maintain.

This is a guide for Waywards. BPs can develop their own!! Hence posting it here and not in General!

As for the comment "You're right" - this is meant more in the sense of pushing you to find at least a grain of truth in what the other person is telling you. Of course no one is 100% right but in most discussions it helps to push you to default in accepting some of the other's person's viewpoint.

It's just a "reminder phrase". I like reminder phrases that are short and flashy and easy to remember because they help keep the ship on course when my brain gets overheated.

I adapted it moderate the phrase.

I hear that the List is too simple.

Yes. This could be fleshed out in many directions. It is meant as a simplified reminder list.

Obviously another point is you use it regardless of how the other person acts.

If they are triggered and can't mirror you, you mirror them regardless. That way one person can stay calm and progress can be made.

It has been useful to me with my kids. They share more with when I am consistent with these behaviours.

It's a lifelong practice especially when you've been down the wayward path. I know for sure I had no clue about Explicit skills in relating as a younger person.

Work related training courses would scratch the surface. I found after blowing up my house and getting serious about rebuilding my life I really wanted to dig deep and find out what "worked".

Applying what works is really A Fake It Until You Make It process for me (especially as a Wayward). Obviously I had poor skills and that got me to where I was.

I am learning to embrace the whole of me because I am not only a Wayward/Cheater but an Avid Learner.

Finally I keep in mind that I can doing all these things but if it's not coming across as caring and loving (which is measured by the other person's feelings) then no skills list in the world is going make anyone enjoy relating to me.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 8:43 AM, Monday, June 29th]