SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was on here starting back in 2016 after discovering my husband had multiple EA, one with an old friend from high school and the other with an Asian colleague from work. The latter was the one that hurt the most. He seemed obsessed with her from the evidence I found of their short-lived affair. She ended it and he persisted for a little while. She was also married with children. He claimed he knew it wouldn’t go anywhere because they were both married, but the abundance of texts and hours they spent on the phone told a different story to me.

Unfortunately, I discovered more, I will call, "inappropriate " relationships with female colleagues. Not affairs, but flirtations. I learned my husband required a lot more ego boosting than I provided him.

Years ago, before the affair, I accidentally discovered Asian porn on our shared iPad. Didn’t think much of it at the time. I didn’t like it, but the Asian factor didn’t stand out at the time. It was just porn.

In college, he dated an Asian girl and stopped dating her evidently because his friends gave him a hard time about it. It was the late 80s.

Then there was the young Asian colleague I discovered he was inviting to workout with him on business trips. Claimed they all worked out as a group.

Fast forward to this past Saturday. I was working on something on the computer and I needed his phone for an authentication app I don’t have. He had to run out for a while, so we swapped phones. Proof he was no longer hiding things from me right? When I was done with what I was doing, I wanted to do a quick check of the weather on his phone so I knew what to wear to a party I was leaving for shortly. I looked for the weather app and couldn’t find it, so I was gonna do a short search online, but couldn’t find that app either. No Safari, no Duck Duck Go. I thought it was weird. As I was swiping through trying to find the apps, a random search bar popped up. I thought "Oh, I’ll try this. I clicked on it and recent searches came up. The first thing listed was Asian MILF. I clicked on that and a bunch of porn sites for Asian women came up. My heart started pounding and hands shaking uncontrollably. Not only was he looking at specifically Asian porn, but he was hiding his searches from me.

My husband barely looks at me or touches me anymore. Claims ED issues because he’s extremely out of shape and overweight right now. I’m not. I’m actually in great shape for a woman in her mid 50s. This really hurt.

I confronted him as soon as he came home and he knew he couldn’t deny it. I brought up all the old "proof" over the years about his apparent thing for Asian women. Asked him why he married me if he’s attracted to Asian women over me, a white woman. His answer was he just likes dark hair and dark eyes. I have both. There are plenty of women with those traits that aren’t Asian, am I right? Why did he marry me? It seems he should’ve married an Asian woman. He can’t get it up for me supposedly, but he can jerk off the Asian MILFs. I feel like he’s wasted my entire adult life.

Yeah look, we all have a type, then when we find a partner that goes out of the window because a real person who brings some meaning in our life is a person and not a thing or type.

How you describe him gives me the impression he is the kind of person that lives a selfish fantasy- objectification and he is susceptible to outside validation.

All the wrong flaws, that you don’t want in a partner.

Basically he is locked in into selfish fantasies and is likely to have a tendency towards dehumanizing others if that can make them fit into the fantasy.

I am sorry but he probably didn’t do his work to heal and become a safe person.

That ed thing with the official woman but not with the objectified women or affair partners: I have a friend that just recently finally dumped her cheater.

Same exact story. He needs other women because it doesn’t work with her but with those, no problem.

It’s as awful as it sounds, and it’s revealing of just how much is wrong in such "relationships ".

Please you are worthy and deserve better.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:18 PM, Tuesday, June 9th]

Sounds like he hasn't made the changes in himself that you need. You've given him 10 years in spite of all the pain that he caused you, but he's still lying and hiding things. Perhaps it's a fetish or an addiction, and he is ashamed of his behavior and can't control it. You might never get a full answer (and he might not know the real reason himself).

Regardless of the reason, his actions hurt you, and he's responsible for that. You sound incredibly hurt and angry, which makes sense given how long you've stayed with him after your first dday. Yes, he's taken away some of your prime years, but mid-50s isn't too late to take charge of the future you have left. What would you like to do with it?