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At the same time, I worry about how that comes across to the betrayed spouse. Does it make him feel like, "You are thinking about the other person all the time"?

It could make him feel like, "you really are thinking about me and how much hurt this has caused, aren't you?"

How do I explain the difference between me thinking about the damage, hurt, and devastation my terrible decisions caused, versus him believing I am thinking about the affair itself or missing it?

You do it by saying just that. "I keep thinking about the damage, hurt and devastation my terrible decisions have caused and I feel horrible that I've hurt you so profoundly. I hope one day you can forgive me, but I understand that could take a while, if ever. I just want you to know that I'm going to be here for you, no matter what, for as long as you'll allow it."

I think Gemmy also gave you some great examples of some sentences and phrases you can use. I don't think something like "I've been thinking about how much this must still hurt you" would be misinterpreted as you thinking about the other person all the time. To me it would show that you're thinking about your husband.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:08 PM, Sunday, May 24th]

Ragab, how do you feel about your AP? My wife despises him now and isn't shy about expressing it. Despite the fact that she actually said the opposite on d day, she realizes now that any man who targets a married woman isn't such a "great guy." He's a scumbag in her eyes and she lets me know it.

The difference between "mistake" and "bad choice" is that to most people, "mistake" has a connotation of "accidental." You didn't commit infidelity by accident. I understand that you mean "a choice you regret" when you call it a mistake, and you understand what you mean. I certainly get wanting to feel understood when you speak. But listen to everyone here who is explaining how that word comes across to your BH. It's simple enough to avoid using it. You need to decide what's more important to you: reconciliation of your marriage and possibly the healing of your spouse, or the ability to use one word. And like I said, if you choose the former, make sure to apologize, own what you did, and listen to what your BH is expressing to you.

Ragab, how do you feel about your AP? My wife despises him now and isn't shy about expressing it. Despite the fact that she actually said the opposite on d day, she realizes now that any man who targets a married woman isn't such a "great guy." He's a scumbag in her eyes and she lets me know it.

Exactly.

I take accountability for my terrible choices. If I had not started discussing non-work-related matters and oversharing, he would never have had the opportunity or the "ammunition" to say things like, "Oh, I get you, I understand what your husband doesn’t," and all the rest.

I should have communicated those things to my husband instead and kept the relationship strictly work-related. I have learned from that, and now I do not share personal matters with anyone except my husband.

At the same time, it does not change the fact that he knowingly pursued a married woman. Whether I shared information or not, he still made his own choices, and he is guilty of that. This is part of what makes the situation so difficult for us — we lost so much, while he lost nothing.

My intention is not to avoid accountability for my part in this. I fully accept my wrongdoing, but his actions played a big role in the damage that was caused.

At the same time, it does not change the fact that he knowingly pursued a married woman. Whether I shared information or not, he still made his own choices, and he is guilty of that. This is part of what makes the situation so difficult for us — we lost so much, while he lost nothing.

My intention is not to avoid accountability for my part in this. I fully accept my wrongdoing, but his actions played a big role in the damage that was caused.

I understand, and hopefully your husband does, too. However, it is a tricky line to straddle. Expressing your disgust for the AP without looking like you're blaming him and avoiding accountability is a fine line. I think it's a good thing that you're considering that. The fact that you're self aware enough to realize that is a good thing. Just make sure you always stress the point that you acknowledge that it was ultimately your decisions and your choices that allowed it to happen, but from my perspective it certainly doesn't hurt knowing my wife sees that he's a real pos.