Hi All,
I have not shared my story yet. I am not comfortable with details, so I will (try to) keep it brief and focus on my actions rather than the A itself.
The A was last year, it spanned over approx 6 months, meetings were limited. No sex of any kind – a line I actively did not cross(yes to kissing, and briefly touching on 2 occasions) Massive amount of lies and gaslighting though.
At the end of October last year, I was confronted (again) by my BS. I confessed and went immediately no contact (in truth, I was already stopping everything). From there, in the span of 3 weeks, I left my job (the AP was a co-worker). I admit I needed some pushing in quitting, but nevertheless in 3 weeks I was gone.
I trickle-truthed all the way to the beginning of April. It was a random trickle-truthing, not always hiding the worst stuff.
I finally went into radical honesty mode this month.
I therefore confessed something else I had not thought in years and that happened at the very beginning of our relationship (over 12 years ago). After 4 months we were together, I slept with my ex bf. It was a one off thing. I regretted it immediately (we stopped straight-away). I can't remember anymore if that happened during a brief break-up between me and my current H or just days before we broke up (it was a brief break-up, we went back together after 2 weeks. And have been together ever since). Obviously, I took the responsibility for a full betrayal.
At the time, I made the decision not to disclose this event. I grew-up in an environment where these things would be labelled as "mistakes" and the right thing to do would be to take the secret to the grave and never disclose it. Because disclosing it would be just to clean one's conscience. I never thought about that event until a few weeks ago, after I read the post about "Keeping secrets".
In hindsight, I think that is where my "story" actually started and where I could have changed it. I feel if I had disclosed it back then, regardless of the outcome of the relationship, I may not have been a cheater today and my BS would not be suffering this much.
The two events are not really related and the circumstances were totally different, but I think the behavioural pattern is obvious.
Many years ago, we were at the very beginning of our story and it had been a rocky one - I had left my ex for my H. I was consumed by guilt for leaving my ex for another guy.
Last year, I was completely unhinged. Several years married, young children. I blamed the M for my frustration, I was exhausted by everything, I felt like a hamster in a wheel. The AP was an experienced wayward (although I didn't see it at first) and he played his cards well. I am not blaming him, I am the one who traumatised my BS.
As my BS said, if I had said the truth many years ago, perhaps now he would be with someone else and spared by last year betrayal.
We are still under the same roof, although things don't look well at the moment.
I am committed to change, I have embraced radical honesty and I am all in to do whatever it takes to save my family. Ultimately, I don’t want my children to take after me.
I can't pinpoint the deeper "whys" yet, but I know I have deep flaws. I have started therapy.
I know it is my duty to take the lead, to repair the wrongdoings I have done. I want to.
But some days, like today, I feel completely drained. I live in a hell of my own doing and I have dragged my family in it.
Last year I struggled with mental health and exhaustion. I come from years of sleep deprivation because of young children.
I am not the victim, I am well aware.
But my feelings are still here. And I can’t really talk to anyone.
I am not looking for empathy and I am not "sorry for myself" (in a self-indulgent way).
Any advice on how to "buckle-up" and be strong for my family? I am not always in this state, today is a particularly tough one.
Is it normal feeling this way? Again, I know I made my made and now I should lie in it. I don’t want to escape that. I just wish I had more strength.
