I got over many things, maybe even love.
Acceptance killed the pain, killed the numbness, made you able to fully feel and live with joy every single day, from the little things to the rest.
Detachment makes you feel very little for your Wayward partner, it is kind of disappointing if not sad.
It is a weird place to be, strangely comfortable too, like your family of origin in some ways, but different:
You do live together, so there is no removal of them. You still work as a team for daily management, for the children, for friends and social occurrences. You also share fun and achievement in fulfilling those tasks.
You take care of them when they are sick or need help. You do genuinely want them to be happy, functional and in good shape and mood
.
That's all in all, like the normal "in love" partnership looked like before you said "enough", like a normal healthy partnership.
However...
Their needs for future or plans or dreams are... irrelevant? Unless is something that impacts the daily occurrences, you really could not care less. "Oh that's your dream, your plan, your aspiration? That's nice, sounds a good one to have!" and that's about all.
Less than what you would give to a friend, almost more like an acquaintance. "Cool story bro, I wish you well!" But you could not give 2 fucks to get involved into.
And this is sad, because before, those feelings used to mean the world for you: it was like sharing a dream, their becoming yours, making it real together, it was exciting and selfless, it gave you pride they had ambitions and hopes.
Now there is only now, today, maybe tomorrow or few days in... unless is something that needs to be knocked down, tasks and incumbencies, it really does not matter does it?
Sure be happy, good luck! I genuinely hope you land it.
But without me.
So Comparison:
Earlier she was so important, her happiness was food for my happiness. I constantly battled her low self-worth, constantly cheered her, congratulate her achievements, and help her directly whenever I could, and in strategy where she had to do it alone.
And it worked like charm, she was happy, and I was happier for her joy than if I landed the thing for myself.
Now I just do not care. Not wishing her to fail, fall or succeed, it is just... indifferent.
She talks, asks, expresses dreams.
I listen. Say nothing.
If she presses me, I only say "I do not do plans with you long term, is good you have them, but it does not interest me". No emotions, not negative, not positive, it is just the plain truth.
Another comparison:
Before she ignored my plans and dreams or was not really that interested into those, liquidating them as "kind of funny". All while she was supporting, endorsing and building together the plans of her Other Men each time she had an affair, because they were just so great.
So great plans these wonderful men that gave her so much: a STD and got another girl pregnant fired and jobless, failed business, scams, a porn movie and her reputation to the shitters. But they were successful in destroying our relationship I guess, even decade after, so I imagine something good came out of those, they were worthy after all.
Because the person who always lost in comparison to these great guys when it came to her judgement, managed to raise millions, build an international company from nothing after starting a life from zero giving up his country and family due to the hope to stop her infidelity spree.
And still before my "enough" that wasn't enough.
Now all of sudden my future plans are so important?
Why? Because I really see no will to even tell her what my plans are, I just do it for me, and for our daughter.
More comparisons:
In the long distance relationship period she underestimated how much and how quickly I could grasp her foreign language.
We were engaged and she pictured me as "a colleague" to other men, even random taxi drivers. And it was painful to watch, even after the first DDay, her false R, she did not change her ways, but to hell I would reveal my cards about how much I understood.
Mocking me for "he believes to be special" in front of friends, openly, when the ring she carried around on her hand should have been a testament to somebody special in your life... not just a trophy to parade around to make other girls jealous.
On the other hand I did believe she was special. Because She truly was to me.
After my "enough" all of a sudden she is dripping with pride every-time we meet someone, there is no opinion that could be held higher, is all that I wanted from her for 19 years....
But now I can't give a damn to it, I know if I impress someone, I gave no shit if she cares or not, her cheer-leading is not even annoying, only background noise.
in comparison:
She was held on the palm of my hand before, I made sure to always make her relevant in conversations and present her at her best, with pride. Now it's reversed, she could be the random taxi driver that I just met, or just a "colleague".
Comparison:
She chose the other men. She chose to pursue them allow them to pursue. She chose emotional intimacy. She chose sexual intimacy. She even chose to break our relationship for one of them once.
She never chose me. And that broke me beyond what I could ever realize for almost 2 decades.
After my "enough", there is no other guy in this world she would have eyes for. She remembered how much she liked me because of her teen crush for the movies Top Gun, vampire diaries, etc. She notices the jealous looks around and she is fiercely territorial if a girl just dares to talk to me, while earlier she was amused wen other girls tried to flirt with me and feeling safe that I would never even look at another woman. I was in short just plain trash in her eyes. A thing to show off, but worthless.
She is constantly showing me her attraction. Almost like what you think it should be normal between 2 lovers right?
Almost like I always seen her: chosen among all women...
But now I barely notice or care. Cannot care more for her display of attraction than that of any other girl around.
Worse is I am starting to compare too, and she is often not coming up on top anymore.
Comparison:
Her frustrations were my frustrations, something I wanted to help her resolve to make it right. And somehow this was frustrating her even more.
And now her frustrations or griefs are not even registering any longer. It is a shame but "your bad day, is your alone".
Comparison, friendship:
Before the affair her friends (all girls) were my friends, I felt friendship and I was really happy to have, for the first time in my adult life, just plains friendship with females, I enjoyed it a lot, it was a discovery.
I truly felt naturally connected and helped them out when they needed, I felt at ease to open up to them like I do with just a very select group of friends.
After her affair, those friendships are tainted too. They knew all about, they kept the charade up.
I am still "friend" to these girls and superficially nothing appear to have changed.
However deep down, they are no longer my friends since my partners affair: they naturally picked her side, protected her secrets and endorsed her choices.
That is not what your friend does.
Her betrayal burned my connection with those female friendships once again, I can give what I gave before, but I now do expect zero in exchange or have less than zero trust about those girls.
No matter what, she cannot understand that the damage shattered every connection with anybody that was involved in it, no matter how indirectly. All is ash from my end.
I even felt something like a "the wheel spins for you this time" when some of these women found out about her partner betrayals and that obviously destroyed them.
I am not proud to both feel sorry for her and having it tainted with a "karma is a bitch" thought.
But in the end, they had no issues when it was my turn, they supported the current AP in full, so.... Karma.
---
With all these comparisons that drove her choices to pick the Other Men over me every single time, I only had pain and suffering, I kept comparing myself to men that I would never even consider serious "competition" in romantic matters, like there is not even a challenge.
But she chose them, so she decided they were better.
And now I agree with her past self. They were "better".
Better for her. She simply chose the best fits for a partner.
That hurt me deeply, I could not understand how, why, in what I was unworthy. Seeing this people how they look and who they are.... destroyed me, did not help me at all. It should have made me laugh. Instead it made me feel less than zero.
And every time she ran back to me I took it as "a gift". A second chance to prove my worth to her, just to be once more "compared"and have she "choose" the Other Man.
And now?
I don't know, I cannot help to compare myself to her and to them and just say:
"you are a perfect match honey, it is so good that you opened my eyes. I am sorry it did not work out for you with them. We'll have both better luck next time"
The dissonance here being: I do believe her Other Men are trash, because they are absolutely are trash, not in comparison to me, at a human level they are low life garbage.
But I do not believe my wife to be trash.
Which it does not check out logically. Am I having some residual sentiment here masking what I really feel about her?
I would not like to come to the realization that I think the woman I married is trash. Not because I care for my "reputation", I don't. Because I somehow do not want her to be "trash".
And still I think she deserves those men way more than being with me. If I could turn back time I would never take her back. Not in a million years, I'd rather die than to re-live what I passed through thanks to her choices, because she compared and chose "the better man".
Her Justification "Our long distance relationship was hard, those men were easier choices. I believed I could have what we had with someone else" sounds hollow to me.
If you had a minimum of respect for me, as a human being, as a person, you would just have left me. You kept me as a backup because I was not worthy the bare minimum of human dignity. Because I was not worthy.
I must still understand what I feel: it is right to tell her or it is just part of my healing?
For sure my behavior is telling enough.
She may not hear the words, but she surely feels the fallout.
The Wayward Partner compares their Betrayed Partner to their Affair Partner every single time.
The Affair Partner wins, they are chosen. Every single time.
That used to make me feel dead inside.
Nothing, unworthy of breathing.
Not Chosen, not Enough, Replaceable.
---
Her Comparisons and her Choices between Me (Betrayed Partner) and Other Men, this is the fallout years after of what her past choices entice still today.
I finally started to compare everything. I still did not pick any clear Choice as of now, but comparing does really open your eyes, each day a bit more. I don't have Choice but to process it now.
And now, for once, I compared how I treated her with how she treated me... I do not feel bad. Not at all.
It feels just fine.
Almost right.
And still it is all somehow so sad, even if just in the brief moments I realize it.
If I had a choice, I truly would not want it to be this way.
(PSA: Please remember I do not want to be negative, even if my posts tend to sound like that. I am trying to look inside myself, name what I feel, because I see dissonance. Of course your experience may be very different and you are having progress in Reconciliations with your BS/WS. I am just discovering that for me, betrayal is quite a nasty beast that I am not quite sure if I can handle without it's total and complete removal of all and everyone that is connected to it.
In the end, I am starting to think I would like to be able to feel again something positive for my wife, I do not think I can be married to someone that is not holding a special place in my heart, and she worked damn hard for years to remove herself from that position. )
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:27 PM, Wednesday, March 11th]
