SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I progress through the divorce and watch my relationship to stbx transform, I've been thinking a lot about why our attempt at R failed. Going beyond the obvious things, like continued or renewed cheating, what are some of the reasons that lead the BS to divorce?

In my case, I think it was a cascade of things. Each of the subsequent DDays hurt a lot, with the false R reveal probably being the most damaging, but that was only DDay2, and I invested in R quite a bit after that. We didn't even start MC until a couple months later, and we stayed in MC for about a month past DDay4 (DDays 3 & 4 were major trickle truths).

Even after all that, I tried to keep an open mind to the possibility that my WS would change in ways that made me feel safe. Ultimately, while he did a lot of work to understand himself and his behavior, while he tried to make himself "affair proof" in terms of boundaries with women, I think he still needs external validation, he still struggles with constructive criticism, and he still has issues with impulse control.

Meanwhile, I struggle mightily to forgive a lot of what he did during the affair years, but I think I could've built a new marriage with him if he could have really changed. I was strongly motivated to save our family and, being close to an early retirement, to save my vision of our future. But I also wonder if the degree of change I needed to see was humanly possible - it would've required an almost new personality.

I had a feeling the radical changes he made to save R would be temporary, and that turned out to be the case. I felt like he was doing them to prove something to me, not because it was intrinsically who he wanted to be, and now (a year later) his behavior shows that I was right - he's gone back to all the habits I dislike and doubled down on some of them. (The changes were to cut back on drinking and collecting alcohol, to stop smoking and collecting cigars, to reduce his spending in general, and to cut back on video games.)

While he continues to generally be kind and do me favors, he is also doing whatever he wants (as is his prerogative) so it's clear that what I wanted was never really what he wanted.

I think some other reasons that cause R problems for the BS (including me) is because the WS never gets out of defensive mode, or doesn't become truly humble, or continues to lie in other areas of their life. What else am I missing?

I felt like he was doing them to prove something to me, not because it was intrinsically who he wanted to be, and now (a year later) his behavior shows that I was right - he's gone back to all the habits I dislike and doubled down on some of them.

I think some other reasons that cause R problems for the BS (including me) is because the WS never gets out of defensive mode, or doesn't become truly humble, or continues to lie in other areas of their life. What else am I missing?

I can relate to these.

I told her that "she does not have to prove herself" what I need to see is that her behaviors and patterns change. Is not 'a proof to me' is seeing a change and growth on your partner that can look safe and genuine, not a performance (And 'proving you' is more performing, true change does not have to prove a thing, it is observable)

And the defensive mode, minimization, or often projection and attack is automatically dismantling whatever step forward was done.

It means not taking accountability for the choices, it means lack of guilt, shows a desire to put it behind to stop feeling shame but no empathy or understanding of the gravity of what the betrayal was.

Lies are a symptom very telling, of the WS still working on creating an acceptable narrative instead of owning the pain and destruction of their behaviors and betrayal. It is doubling down, pretending to reconcile.

In my case even if her emotions and couple dynamic changed, I see no real progress towards a R.
It's still all about "me me me" and explaining herself why what happened 'was bad but not to bad because --> justifications".

So I feel you perfectly, R is possible only when the person acknowledges and take accountability for their issue, not just pretends to, so "we can get over it asap and return to 'normal'"

NoThanks,

What else are you missing?

How about: Love?

You don’t think it’s there.

Best wishes.

explaining herself why what happened 'was bad but not to bad because --> justifications"

Yes, I got a lot of this from him, too!

And Formerpeopleperson, I can certainly see that if the WS doesn't love the BS anymore, then obviously that would be a problem for R, but what does love mean to you in this context?

Ahhh, what is "love"?

How about, caring for someone else more than you care about yourself?

Best wishes.

I’ve seen major relationships fail (both marriage and non-marriage) when the spouse or person just loves to create drama. Cannot live without it.

Worked for / with two people who both grew up in some pretty bad situations. Neither one would get counseling because they were constantly the victim.

Imagine a very small company with two people exactly the same — loving the chaos. Feeding off the drama. Needed to stir the pot constantly. Yelling. Cursing. Firing people. Cheating people out of $ (or trying to). Disrespectful to clients and professional staff. Burned far too many bridges.

And both of these people will swear on a stack of Bibles that they are victims.

Some people just cannot help themselves and will never change.

I think for any marriage to succeed, you have to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and not keep an accounting sheet of each other's faults. This is challenging but it's much easier to do when you can remind yourself spouse that your truly loves you, is loyal to you, and would never do anything that they know could hurt you. Once cheating is discovered, you can't reassure yourself anymore.

As with probably 99% of all other cheaters, my ex's cheating was part of a larger pattern of selfish and disrespectful behavior. I made excuses for him constantly (his family was awful, he suffered trauma in his childhood, etc). After Dday, it was impossible. It was like the scoreboard in a stadium suddenly lit up and I could no longer ignore how much I was putting into the marriage vs how little he was invested, or how many times he had hurt and wronged me vs how much I tried to make him happy.

Even if he had stopped cheating on me, he would've always been a lousy husband. Psychotherapy is not reincarnation.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:51 PM, Tuesday, January 20th]

caring for someone else more than you care about yourself

Definitely this is part of love by most definitions, and selfishness is at the root of infidelity, so it makes sense that this would hinder any chances at R.

Psychotherapy is not reincarnation

LOL, BluerThanBlue, that is a true statement!

And as I noted elsewhere, stbx continues to show me his true colors. Yesterday he informed me that he's thinking about dating and wants "to see what's out there." We haven't even finished our divorce paperwork!

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 10:18 PM, Wednesday, January 21st]