SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I am 3 months post affair ending. It was a very complex situation with me having an relationship with my younger next door neighbour! I live with my wife and two teenagers and the affair partner is still living next door. What started out back in June with me helping her go to hospital with a panic attack quickly turned into a friendship. I didn't want anything more but she started to compliment me and turn me against my wife saying my wife is controlling, doesn't care about me etc. I tried to end it but when I did she took an overdose and nearly died. She blamed me for it so I carried a hell a lot of guilt and responsibility. I agreed to meet up and then things developed again and I felt trapped. After 6 weeks of constant asking I finally gave in and slept with her! I then kept saying I can't do this and I wanted to be with my family and then I would receive abusive messages and threats that she would tell my wife. It went on like this 5 times where I tried to end it but was to weak to break it up! I ended up telling my wife and had to go away for a week to sort my head out. The affair partner kept calling me on her friends phone, sending emails and harassing me even though I said it was over. It ended up with her trying to get into my house (luckily I was home alone whilst wife and kids were away) at 5am one morning. I had to call the police as she was captured on the doorbell camera and kept getting abusive emails. The police arrested her an put her on bail with no contact in place. My wife says she can't unfeel how she feels and can't see how we have a future. The fact that I slept with her is what really hurts my wife. It is only 3 months past the day I told my wife. Wedding rings off, I am sleeping in the front room and things are up and down. She says she find's it hard to be alone with me in the same room. We have both had two individual relationship counselling sessions and the next one the plan was to go together but my wife is unsure as the counsellor isn't direct. My wife said a few weeks ago that she doesn't want counselling to fix things when I mentioned Gottman therapy may be better. I am not sure what to do as the trauma is daily due to having to live together for the kids and the fact that the affair partner lives next door is just triggering all the time. Any advice welcome.

I know it’s a hard thing when there’s a possibility of suicide and the person makes it seem like their death would be your fault, but remember that it is never your fault, and anyone who is at that point is mentally ill and needs professional help…

Did you at all think that maybe you should have contacted the authorities sooner? Like at any point prior to sleeping with her? Why didn’t you go to your wife when she started pressuring you to sleep with her?

I know it’s a case of should’ve could’ve would’ve now, but if you’re describing yourself as "older" than this neighbor… are you perhaps old enough to have realized that? And I don’t mean to make assumptions or accusations, but I would definitely encourage you to explore whether there was some part of you that secretly wanted to sleep with her and maybe rationalized that if you don’t, then her death would be your fault and gave yourself permission to do that. There are most likely deeper reasons why this happened.

I can’t speak for your wife, but if I was in her position, that’s what I would think, and it would be important for me that you admit that and take accountability for it if it was true. At this point in the process, you need to demonstrate remorse and contrition (Read: "Beyond Regret and Remorse" pinned to the top of Reconciliation), give her space and be supportive when she wants it, and work out your deeper whys so that you can work on yourself.

I asked my BH what he would want me to do if the AP was the neighbor, and he said, point blank, "Move." Are you in a position where you could do that? How does your BW feel about it?

Is this OW in rehab or in-patient care? If she isn’t, she should be.

[This message edited by Ghostie at 1:13 PM, Tuesday, November 18th]

Hi Ghostie,
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Perhaps there was and my relationship with my wife hasn't been great for many years. Self reflection is a cruel thing... I realise that my wife was carrying the mental load and I have been the support act. What I thought I was contributing was going to work, doing DIY in the home, ironing, tidying and doing small jobs to make extra money for the family. I battle with severe anxiety and depression myself and I was not in a good place and we we're both vulnerable but it's still no excuse. I just know if she had left me alone and not taken an overdose it would have been a closed book and nothing further would have happened. I also confessed a lot of things to the affair partner and told her things my wife doesnt know which I then felt at risk of the affair partner telling my wife. I confessed to my wife about my past indiscretion whilst she was away with friends which really spoilt her holiday. It was a cry for help and I hoped she would come back early to sort things out. I blocked the affair partner numerous times but she would wait at her window and shout down to me. I had to stay out the house until 10pm most evenings to avoid her. I was just very selfish putting my own happiness first and not thinking of my kids and the consequences. It is horrendous on the other side. For someone who is rarely happy I seemed to just connect with the affair partner as she has ADHD like I do and I found myself getting a dopamine hit when we talked! I guess it was all newness though as I have been married for 18 years and with my wife for 23. I know it's the sleeping with the affair partner my wife can't get over as she brings that up. It's a very messed up situation. My wife is talking about selling the house and splitting the money 50/50 but we cant do that until my son gets through his exams next year. He suffers from severe anxiety too so my kids stability is the most important thing. The fact that what i have done is so unfair on the kids is what really upsets my wife, makes her any and resentful which I really really understand. I struggle to talk without getting defensive or reacting impulsively which makes it hard for my wife to talk to me. I just don't know if it's best for me to move out as she says she finds it so hard to be alone together in the same room. I want to keep fighting to keep my family together but I want my wife to heel and it's not happening with me being around and the affair partner being next door as it's so triggering. I just need some hope that maybe things could change eventually. I am willing to do all the work needed on myself.

I think you need to dig deeper into your accountability in all of it as I believe that may help your wife take the idea of a possible reconciliation more seriously.

Also, you will have to move asap. It’s never going to get better as long as this lady is your neighbor. You need to take the lead in making this happen. Even if you decide to sell and rent something for a period of time until it’s decided whether you need to split up for real.

You are right. My focus was on why it happened and the reasons for the first few weeks after the affair. I am accountable and it's been the worse lesson of my life. This is our forever home and I have obliterated what we had. She is so scared of selling now due to the detrimental affect on the kids but neither of us can heal and move forward from here. Even if the neighbour was to move out then it's still uncomfortable as her parents live in the house too.

I just know if she had left me alone and not taken an overdose it would have been a closed book and nothing further would have happened.

Focus less on the actions of others in this scenario, and more on your own. This will help you let go of the defensiveness. We don't control other people, only ourselves. But it is still our responsibility to protect our spouses, families, and marriages from harm. What did you choose to do? What would have been the right thing to do? How are you going to ensure you choose better next time? Gently, there were a number of actions within your power that would have made this "a closed book" and made certain that it didn't go further. It can be really, really hard to take a deep, honest look in the mirror and take the full brunt of what you did, especially as you're experiencing the consequences unfold around you. It's absolutely going to suck. But you will eventually come to accept that you made poor decisions that hurt your wife and put your family at risk, and you can do the inner work to ensure this doesn't happen again. We will be here to support you through that.

I also confessed a lot of things to the affair partner and told her things my wife doesnt know which I then felt at risk of the affair partner telling my wife...For someone who is rarely happy I seemed to just connect with the affair partner as she has ADHD like I do and I found myself getting a dopamine hit when we talked!

I would recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass. It explains what kinds of boundaries one should put in place to ensure inappropriate intimacy doesn't develop with people outside of your marriage, and how to recognize when you're heading towards affair territory.

I just don't know if it's best for me to move out as she says she finds it so hard to be alone together in the same room. I want to keep fighting to keep my family together but I want my wife to heel and it's not happening with me being around and the affair partner being next door as it's so triggering. I just need some hope that maybe things could change eventually. I am willing to do all the work needed on myself.

Tell her that you're sorry and that you understand that your previous actions and your presence are causing her so much pain right now. Ask her if she wants you to move out, even if just temporarily, so she has some space to process. Apologize for the defensiveness and impulsiveness in your previous conversations and let her know that you're willing to be a better listener and support for her now, if she wants it. (And then make sure you do it. Try to take in her words and really hear her. Listen to understand and not to react.)

Good luck.

[This message edited by Ghostie at 2:54 PM, Tuesday, November 18th]

Thank you. I wish I had found this site earlier. Such great advice to follow and though provoking questions. L