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Hi, I am 3 months post affair ending. It was a very complex situation with me having an relationship with my younger next door neighbour! I live with my wife and two teenagers and the affair partner is still living next door. What started out back in June with me helping her go to hospital with a panic attack quickly turned into a friendship. I didn't want anything more but she started to compliment me and turn me against my wife saying my wife is controlling, doesn't care about me etc. I tried to end it but when I did she took an overdose and nearly died. She blamed me for it so I carried a hell a lot of guilt and responsibility. I agreed to meet up and then things developed again and I felt trapped. After 6 weeks of constant asking I finally gave in and slept with her! I then kept saying I can't do this and I wanted to be with my family and then I would receive abusive messages and threats that she would tell my wife. It went on like this 5 times where I tried to end it but was to weak to break it up! I ended up telling my wife and had to go away for a week to sort my head out. The affair partner kept calling me on her friends phone, sending emails and harassing me even though I said it was over. It ended up with her trying to get into my house (luckily I was home alone whilst wife and kids were away) at 5am one morning. I had to call the police as she was captured on the doorbell camera and kept getting abusive emails. The police arrested her an put her on bail with no contact in place. My wife says she can't unfeel how she feels and can't see how we have a future. The fact that I slept with her is what really hurts my wife. It is only 3 months past the day I told my wife. Wedding rings off, I am sleeping in the front room and things are up and down. She says she find's it hard to be alone with me in the same room. We have both had two individual relationship counselling sessions and the next one the plan was to go together but my wife is unsure as the counsellor isn't direct. My wife said a few weeks ago that she doesn't want counselling to fix things when I mentioned Gottman therapy may be better. I am not sure what to do as the trauma is daily due to having to live together for the kids and the fact that the affair partner lives next door is just triggering all the time. Any advice welcome.

I know it’s a hard thing when there’s a possibility of suicide and the person makes it seem like their death would be your fault, but remember that it is never your fault, and anyone who is at that point is mentally ill and needs professional help…

Did you at all think that maybe you should have contacted the authorities sooner? Like at any point prior to sleeping with her? Why didn’t you go to your wife when she started pressuring you to sleep with her?

I know it’s a case of should’ve could’ve would’ve now, but if you’re describing yourself as "older" than this neighbor… are you perhaps old enough to have realized that? And I don’t mean to make assumptions or accusations, but I would definitely encourage you to explore whether there was some part of you that secretly wanted to sleep with her and maybe rationalized that if you don’t, then her death would be your fault and gave yourself permission to do that. There are most likely deeper reasons why this happened.

I can’t speak for your wife, but if I was in her position, that’s what I would think, and it would be important for me that you admit that and take accountability for it if it was true. At this point in the process, you need to demonstrate remorse and contrition (Read: "Beyond Regret and Remorse" pinned to the top of Reconciliation), give her space and be supportive when she wants it, and work out your deeper whys so that you can work on yourself.

I asked my BH what he would want me to do if the AP was the neighbor, and he said, point blank, "Move." Are you in a position where you could do that? How does your BW feel about it?

Is this OW in rehab or in-patient care? If she isn’t, she should be.

[This message edited by Ghostie at 1:13 PM, Tuesday, November 18th]

Hi Ghostie,
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Perhaps there was and my relationship with my wife hasn't been great for many years. Self reflection is a cruel thing... I realise that my wife was carrying the mental load and I have been the support act. What I thought I was contributing was going to work, doing DIY in the home, ironing, tidying and doing small jobs to make extra money for the family. I battle with severe anxiety and depression myself and I was not in a good place and we we're both vulnerable but it's still no excuse. I just know if she had left me alone and not taken an overdose it would have been a closed book and nothing further would have happened. I also confessed a lot of things to the affair partner and told her things my wife doesnt know which I then felt at risk of the affair partner telling my wife. I confessed to my wife about my past indiscretion whilst she was away with friends which really spoilt her holiday. It was a cry for help and I hoped she would come back early to sort things out. I blocked the affair partner numerous times but she would wait at her window and shout down to me. I had to stay out the house until 10pm most evenings to avoid her. I was just very selfish putting my own happiness first and not thinking of my kids and the consequences. It is horrendous on the other side. For someone who is rarely happy I seemed to just connect with the affair partner as she has ADHD like I do and I found myself getting a dopamine hit when we talked! I guess it was all newness though as I have been married for 18 years and with my wife for 23. I know it's the sleeping with the affair partner my wife can't get over as she brings that up. It's a very messed up situation. My wife is talking about selling the house and splitting the money 50/50 but we cant do that until my son gets through his exams next year. He suffers from severe anxiety too so my kids stability is the most important thing. The fact that what i have done is so unfair on the kids is what really upsets my wife, makes her any and resentful which I really really understand. I struggle to talk without getting defensive or reacting impulsively which makes it hard for my wife to talk to me. I just don't know if it's best for me to move out as she says she finds it so hard to be alone together in the same room. I want to keep fighting to keep my family together but I want my wife to heel and it's not happening with me being around and the affair partner being next door as it's so triggering. I just need some hope that maybe things could change eventually. I am willing to do all the work needed on myself.

I think you need to dig deeper into your accountability in all of it as I believe that may help your wife take the idea of a possible reconciliation more seriously.

Also, you will have to move asap. It’s never going to get better as long as this lady is your neighbor. You need to take the lead in making this happen. Even if you decide to sell and rent something for a period of time until it’s decided whether you need to split up for real.

You are right. My focus was on why it happened and the reasons for the first few weeks after the affair. I am accountable and it's been the worse lesson of my life. This is our forever home and I have obliterated what we had. She is so scared of selling now due to the detrimental affect on the kids but neither of us can heal and move forward from here. Even if the neighbour was to move out then it's still uncomfortable as her parents live in the house too.

I just know if she had left me alone and not taken an overdose it would have been a closed book and nothing further would have happened.

Focus less on the actions of others in this scenario, and more on your own. This will help you let go of the defensiveness. We don't control other people, only ourselves. But it is still our responsibility to protect our spouses, families, and marriages from harm. What did you choose to do? What would have been the right thing to do? How are you going to ensure you choose better next time? Gently, there were a number of actions within your power that would have made this "a closed book" and made certain that it didn't go further. It can be really, really hard to take a deep, honest look in the mirror and take the full brunt of what you did, especially as you're experiencing the consequences unfold around you. It's absolutely going to suck. But you will eventually come to accept that you made poor decisions that hurt your wife and put your family at risk, and you can do the inner work to ensure this doesn't happen again. We will be here to support you through that.

I also confessed a lot of things to the affair partner and told her things my wife doesnt know which I then felt at risk of the affair partner telling my wife...For someone who is rarely happy I seemed to just connect with the affair partner as she has ADHD like I do and I found myself getting a dopamine hit when we talked!

I would recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass. It explains what kinds of boundaries one should put in place to ensure inappropriate intimacy doesn't develop with people outside of your marriage, and how to recognize when you're heading towards affair territory.

I just don't know if it's best for me to move out as she says she finds it so hard to be alone together in the same room. I want to keep fighting to keep my family together but I want my wife to heel and it's not happening with me being around and the affair partner being next door as it's so triggering. I just need some hope that maybe things could change eventually. I am willing to do all the work needed on myself.

Tell her that you're sorry and that you understand that your previous actions and your presence are causing her so much pain right now. Ask her if she wants you to move out, even if just temporarily, so she has some space to process. Apologize for the defensiveness and impulsiveness in your previous conversations and let her know that you're willing to be a better listener and support for her now, if she wants it. (And then make sure you do it. Try to take in her words and really hear her. Listen to understand and not to react.)

Good luck.

[This message edited by Ghostie at 2:54 PM, Tuesday, November 18th]

Thank you. I wish I had found this site earlier. Such great advice to follow and though provoking questions. L

Any advice please. I am going out of my mind and anxiety is horrendous. We are 4 1/2 months post affair ending. Things have been quite steady and improving slightly between my wife and I and communication has centred on the kids, logistics and my son going through tough mental health crisis. December in general has been the best month, with more signs of warmth, longer eye contact and being ok in the same living space. On the 22nd December I gave my wife a hug and it felt like she reciprocated gently after good news about our sons treatment. I then got drunk on the 24th and asked her what's happening and I don't know if I am coming or going. She was very stressed (her mum is ill, we were having to do christmas and she was anxious that I had bought her xmas presents when she said about a month ago not to buy her anything. She said nothings changed so nothing to update. I tried to give her a hug but she pulled back and then i stupidly said 'look me in the eyes and tell me you are not seeing someone'.. BIG MISTAKE. She did look me direct in the eyes and laughed in a 'how dare you' kind of way. What made it worst was my daughters bedroom door was open and she thought she heard. So the last week has been really tough with her pulling back, being more distant and I can feel her undertone of anger, which I don't blame her for. She is avoiding me and going to different rooms a lot more. I am already super anxious and this is making me even worse as I am getting clingy, asking her loads of questions and hovering around her! I KNOW i need to get calm, keep myself busy and focus on the kids and being helpful around the house but i keep triggering. Is all this normal? I feel like giving up! I have promised myself not to drink and mentioned I took my adhd medication with alcohol on the 24th and said that was a bad idea as it made me extremely anxious and paranoid. I am not coping well at all. Is this likely to right itself and things go back to the calm kids focused, logistical parenting or have I basically screwed myself over. The only signs of emotion 'x' I get in a message is very few and far between and it's when it involves the kids. I just feel like I am on edge with her preparing to ask me to move out. I try my hardest each and everyday to be the best husband and father but I am struggling just to function and the depression and anxiety are horrendous. Any advice and hope much appreciated.

No one has a crystal ball here that says what will happen.

But, building trust has to be a very intentional endeavor. You may have been building a foundation, but this sets you back. Consistency is key. You are right to get back on the horse and help with the house and make sure you have given the reasons you said that some thought. It sounds like projection. Make sure you dig in on that- don’t have access to to IC? A therapist may help you dig deeper. And you must show up with empathy, and a very specific apology.

This anxiousness must be dealt with, what she needs to show up is someone who can be a rock for her. Not someone who can only focus on his own feelings and pain. I know that is a large order- I hope you have a therapist or support group to lean on, and do none of your leaning and clinging in her. She needs to be able to have space to be able to do her grieving, and it sounds as though you are making this a lot about you.

I say that with care- it’s common for the ws to be wildly unstable. I know that I made my own problems with some of this stuff. But you must focus fully on giving her emotional safety. Read about what that looks like and show up for her.

I would also work out how you can move so she isn’t having to be triggered seeing this woman all the time. Showing her that you are going to make that reparation I think will be meaningful if you follow through with it. But don’t tell her about it until you have a solid workable plan that requires nothing new from her other than the move itself.

Hi hikingout, many thanks for your help and direction. I did apologise by way of text a few days after and saying it was totally fair and unacceptable. When you say a very specific apology what should I be saying? We can't move due to my son's mental health and stability required until the summer so for the time being we are trying to get through this period. I will do as you mentioned though and take all responsibility for a future move.

When I say specific-

A good apology requires a lot of reflection.

You accused her of cheating. That was about your projections, your world view, your insecurities.

It told her things how you think. You should understand why you said it and how it has nothing to do with who she is.

Then reflect deeply about the ways it made her feel.

Things like, disillusionment of how you think, your insecurities, your world view.

Disrespected. She has been loyal and faithful and you were dragging her to your level of how you cope.

Sad. Angry. Incredulous. Attacked. Insulted.

Those are my examples, you should know her better and be able to identify better ones. There are sites that can help you learn and identify feelings.

How does it make you feel to know you made her feel all these overwhelming emotions at once? Not good, I know it resonates deeply in the pool of shame you already win in and have for a long time. Low. Despicable.

How do you wish you could feel? What are some actions you can take to help you feel that way?

You lack coping skills so that is something you will need to diligently work on in order to give the ultimate apology of changed behavior.

Don’t see this as time you just have to get through. Hoping agains hope she will change in her heart towards you and wait passively for her to make up her mind while pleading with the universe that means she will forgive you.

No this is active digging time.

You take all the things you can learn from it, talk to her about it. Texted apologies of if I am so sorry, I shouldn’t have said that or whatever words you used is not enough. You need to sit with her and be vulnerable and share your heart with her. Apologize with specific ways you know you made her feel, why you know it was wrong. Your goals towards making are they don’t happen again.

And once you learn that, keep looking for those things that aren’t expressing the love you feel for her and your family.

A lot of this is a reflection of your relationship with yourself. So also start working on tyat. Accept where you are right now, embrace where you want to go, and learn to live yourself in the process. The more you can fix your relationship with yourself the more you can fix your external relationships.

This is out the time to be passive as if you are helpless and can’t do anything. You have the power to start deep hard work on your self awareness and show up for her in ways you have never before. This is when you will learn fullfillment, and that fulfillment will be the greatest gift you can give yourself and those who have a close relationship with you.

You are not the victim of her anger. You are understandably the cause of her anger. So how can you be different moving forward? The more you keep asking yourself these questions, holding them, and spending time in quiet reflection the answers will come. I don’t know how it happens, it just does. And pretty soon you will see you had these powers all along but you were focused on the wrong things. You have a lot of power in his if you Cain it, own it, and learn from it.

Once you start you will be surprised on how may specific apologies you can offer, and the follow through of those are paramount in possibly healing this relationship and family.

Specific: clearly defined or identified; a precise detail.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:07 PM, Wednesday, December 31st]

Thank you. Very wise and clear words that I am going to keep reading over and digest. You make so much sense and I have been so selfish focusing on how I feel! It's hard when friends don't understand what we are going through so gaining advice like yours is of huge benefit. I just need to steady the ship and give her space as I made things worse earlier and she said she needs space which I have acknowledged.