SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a little over 6 months since DDay#2. As a recap, I caught my WH messaging another woman on skype. He would go on webcam with her and get off. He did this for months and was still trolling chat rooms for more women because I suspect that she wasn't giving him what he wanted i.e. he wanted someone to talk him up. ALso, it seemed like she was not very available. Dday #1 was when I found an new email account and matches from a cheating website. He eventually confessed to emailing back and forth with a woman where they would send indecent pictures of themselves and she would message him what she wanted to do to him. He would get off to this.
He only got minimal help after dday 1 (he has a history of CSA that has contributed to his poor coping skills) that didn't really address the bigger issues but we thought it was enough. Now, after dday 2, he has been in really in depth therapy to help out. This seems to be helping but after todays session, he informs me that the therapist really thinks that he wanted a more personal connection to hes been portraying (he always would say things like, "I just wanted to get off", "it wasn't personal, i didn't care who I did it for", "I never showed my face or used my name", etc). When I was trying to dig deeper with him, he told me that it's not like he had a real life affair - meaning in person. I was and am in shock. He has seen how much his deception and lies have hurt me. How it has completely flipped our marriage upside down.Both of the times, he did it when I was having a hard time i.e. postpartum or I was having severe back issues. He also took advantage of my schedule i.e. he was emailing the woman at lunchtime at his parents house when no one was home or this last time, he was doing it in the next room while I was sleeping after my night shifts.
I feel like it was that reasoning that allowed him to do these things in the first place and makes me feel like he doesn't understand how bad it is and may continue to do these thigns. I feel like whatever movement forward we were making has either halted or taken a few steps back.

Sorry for the ramblings......I just had to get this out

But if he wanted a more personal connection, why didn't he spend that time and energy working on your relationship? In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for Emotionless Infidelity that may have some posts that provide insight for you.

I think he's minimizing his actions. He knew it was wrong or he wouldn't have hidden his behavior. Any possibility of reviewing Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass? She has checklists to identify the type of affair.

So sorry you're hurting.

I am sorry you are struggling and we certainly understand your pain and heartbreak.

I want to caution you on the "stupid things cheater say" as part of your recovery snd healing.

he told me that it's not like he had a real life affair - meaning in person.

We all know he cheated. He had a real affair. He knew it was wrong or it would not have been hidden.

Cheaters will say things to lessen or minimize their guilt. But you are correct in thinking that if he doesn’t at least acknowledge that this was cheating, then you have almost no hope that you will be able to move forward and happily reconcile.

My H refused to admit his first affair, which was a 4 year EA, was an affair. Or was considered cheating b/c the term EA had not yet been used. In his mind no sex = no affair.

We all know how wrong that is.