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We are 3 years post Dday of a LTA.I know this is going to come off wrong, especially to the women out there but I feel as if my wife has given her best years sexually to her lover and now she has come back to me and it's like she is a completely different woman sexually than she was during her affair years. To add a little back story to this she has gone through lots of physical ailments and a hysterectomy post Dday and has retired from a very active and physical job which kept her in aerobic shape for the last 20 years. I feel as if she had her cake and ate it too for all those years and now there nothing left in her tank for me. We are older now but still sexually active but she is not as enthusiastic or spontaneous about sex like she was during her affair. I am not heartless man and I know women go through changes physically and emotionally in their lives but I know how sexual she can be and envy what she gave her lover. Affairs, especially LTA's hit men hard and differently than women. Really having a hard time letting go of the resentment for what I lost and dealing with how much she has changed from what I saw during her affair years. I remember her telling me post Dday that I have not lost anything and that she loves and appreciates and respects me more now than she ever has. I know I come off as a typical man who just worries about sex but it was what fueled her LTA for many years and now if I don't initiate it, it won't happen. Just another rant from a betrayed husband.

Thank you all for being here and helping.

Lost1313

Oh man, I’m having flashbacks to multiple 50 page threads… anyway, have you told her what you want? Are you willing to drop her if you don’t get it? That’s really what it boils down to.

At three years past a dday where an LTA was had it’s not unusual that you are still grieving and feel the way you describe.

My husband had an LTA (though not nearly as long as hers) that ended about 5 years ago. And about a year ago they changed one of his medications and suddenly sex happened only when I pursued and many times not even then. So I understand the feelings of frustration, rejection, and wondering if this was a permanent change. This was really hard because we had been working on our sex life and it had been grown to a place that was getting more exciting than it had been in a long time. It is depressing not thinking it will come back.

On the flip side of that, there was a period of time I wanted him less after the affair. Not because of the Ap or anything like that. It was because he understandably wasn’t as affectionate, there was a lot less loving non sexual touches, and I felt like he was repulsed by me. Which probably he was. But women especially are turned on by what happens throughout the day. I need to feel emotional connection and also I like the anticipation to build.

Also I will also say that as we age our bodies change and I see you know that. But what I didn’t know until our sexual resurrection is that what I wanted and needed sexually had changed from the standard "go tos" that always reliably worked for us in the past. I needed more novelty and other components. After experimenting I learned I preferred a different sexual position as my favorite than I once did. Our skin is thinner as we age so it was um, a friction thing?

It’s all an experiment and when both people value their sex life generally sitting down and coming up with some new things to try. In fact, I asked him to initiate differently even.

So after all that work and success, and suddenly viagra was needed and not all that effective I thought well shit, I totally missed the boat here. We have always been active and all that but we were in a phase I was genuinely enjoying to have it come to a screeching halt.And I thought things like you that he gave a lot of it away.

However, I was soon reminded that even though we are getting older, the ebb and flow of that still happens. He had changed his meds and for months afterwards it didn’t look at all like that was going to give us a reprieve. But eventually it’s started to swing back the other way. Turns out we think he had felt depressed and anxious over his job loss last year. I had gone back to work to keep us afloat so he could make a true run at his business full time. He felt like he wasn’t contributing, providing, and that he as probably the larger culprit.

All this to say, it’s normal to want to experience a highly satisfying sex life no matter if you are a men or woman. There are ebbs and flows of that in any long term relationship, and just because we are older doesn’t mean the flow doesn’t come back. We may not be at it every single day or as often as we used to but it can be more satisfying.

Also to say of course you feel the way you do. And no one ever wants to bring it up to their spouse because who wants a pity fuck? Not me! But I just said to him, I miss our closeness and I would like us to still get naked regularly and touch and kiss and if it goes further great! If not at least we are staying connected. That openness did wonders and was part of what helped bring it back this last time.

I know it’s different because if the cheating, I totally get that. But in reality, this slump you find yourself in likely is something that visits from time to time even if no affair had occurred. I am sure that’s little comfort to you as you mourn the losses you feel but 3 years out from a LTA discovery is not at all enough for you to have it all processed yet. I would encourage you to be open with her and allow the two of you to navigate it together.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:16 PM, Wednesday, March 19th]

Lost,

What you experienced was beyond devastatingly evil and unfair. There is ZERO SHAME, and neither ought there be ANY guilt whatsoever that, despite your best efforts, if you come to the conclusion her LTA was a deal-breaker for you. Please don’t subscribe to the idea that since you didn’t immediately dump her upon DDAY, that you must now suck it up and chew on the injustice of it all for the rest of your life.

There’s precisely nothing you can do to get your wife to be into you sexually the way she was with OM. From the sound of it, what you have now is as good as it will ever get. In other words, nothing’s going to move your wife to give you more sexually, since she likely has nothing more to give. She gave that away to another when she had it, but no longer does. That "capital" has been spent, and not on you.

If you’re dead-set on sticking together no matter what, I would at least tell her you’re truly struggling with this injustice and need her to understand how painful this is. Your one and only hope would be to let her know you’re not sure this relationship can continue (ASSUMING YOU TRULY MEAN THAT) and maybe, just maybe, the prospect of a consequence of her tens of thousands of evil choices to betray you over the years of the LTA, namely that the M may end, might just move her to give of herself fully to you, as she so willingly did to OM. I would not count on this tho. It’s just the last step of leaving, where you graciously gave her one last opportunity to choose to do something only she can willingly and cheerfully choose, if it’s going to work.

hikingout,

For the record I am checking off all the boxes that you mentioned and then some. I have never stopped being affectionate with her through our almost 50 years together. We still hold hands and I tell her daily that I love and appreciate her. I leave small love notes for her to find and bring flowers home when she has doesn't expect it. I have stepped it up around the house and help her out so much more now. I have made my share of mistakes during our marriage, and I have learned to be a better husband and partner for her. Even after all these years together we are still a work in progress and our communication skills between us could be so much better.

Thanks for reading my post, it's much appreciated!

Lost1313

Problem is all the domestic niceties, nice meals and thoughtful gifts don't add up to good sex which should have been Yours alone.

How was the sex with your WW during the affair?

Did you make the OM pay for what he stole

Were there other affairs

Did you polgraph

Lost,

Some friends recently went to the animal shelter and adopted a cat. A full grown, adult cat. I was astonished. Why wouldn’t they get a kitten. The best part of a cat is the kitten, isn’t it?

My WW’s cheating was when she was in her late 20s, early 30s. Supposedly peak sexuality for a woman.

Some other guy got the kitten. I got the cat.

Oh well, cats are nice. Curled up on you, purring.

Nothing to be done about yesterday. Don’t waste time on it. Focus on tomorrow. Yadda, yadda.

But I wish I’d gotten the kitten.

Lost- I didn’t mean to imply any of it was your fault. I am sure you are a loving husband. I was just relaying my experience in the case it held anything there for you to consider.

As I have said your feelings are natural and understandable. I do think it’s worth some communication and experimenting. It sounds like your wife is a sexual being, which means to me it’s important to her. If slipped down her priority list for the reasons that you mention, she still down deep has it on her important list and will understand those feelings as well.

She is likely to point at the same things you relayed (probably has said then to you) but maybe ask her how can we work through that?

My WW’s cheating was when she was in her late 20s, early 30s. Supposedly peak sexuality for a woman.

Late thirties early 40’s. Mine came at perimenopause and hasn’t slowed down at all. After that I will take HRT if needed. I think having a happy, healthy sex life prolongs health and life.

We ain’t cats

In fact, I will say maybe we don’t have the bodies we once had, but I am a far better lover as an older woman than I was as a younger one.

It’s like the old song says…."older women make beautiful lovers" 🎶

hikingout,

Your last post made me smile. I agree, older women are better lovers because they know what they want and know how to get it. My wife started her LTA at 49 and I absolutely know that I missed a lot because I experienced her passion when she was 20 and I know that she is like a fine wine that got better with age. I have so much passion left in me and I am hoping that it returns in her soon. I also know that I have to communicate my needs and feelings with her on this.

Lost1313

I hope it does too. I will say a little prayer for you.

Incidentally I just turned 49 - (husband is 59) so this all resonates for me what you are saying! I understand!

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:58 PM, Wednesday, March 19th]

Hiking,

Butt out with your wisdom!

Me and Lost are trying to be idiots, here.

Lost, I don't know if this will help you at all, but I (female) have some strong feelings about what WS did to our sex life during his LTA. Basically, he started to have ED issues about 4 months into the affair, and stopped any kind of intimacy with me about 8 months into the affair. He kept giving me all kinds of reasons why he was no longer interested in sex or even cuddling or making out (gaslighting me, basically). None of it made sense (we went from once a week to zero in the span of a few months), but I did my best to be a supportive wife. Meanwhile, he was fooling around every week or two with his AP.

After dday1, when we tried to resurrect our "dead bedroom", he had even worse ED issues and the Viagra didn't do much. I think it was largely psychological at that point (guilt, shame, lingering feelings for AP). Our sex life never recovered. I got increasingly depressed over it, especially after I developed vaginal atrophy from the neglect (a thing that can happen sometimes after menopause). The last time I tried to be intimate with him, I broke down crying as soon as we started to kiss. All I could think about was the pain, both emotional and physical, that had built up around everything. Soon after that, I decided to separate. We are both ~50 years old, so not all that old but also not young.

I'm sharing all this in case it puts your situation in a different light. I don't know that your feelings are a male thing. I harbor massive resentment for what WS did to us and to me, especially as I now feel like I will never be able to have a good, active sex life again. Chances are that my body would work just fine if he hadn't cheated and created a 4 year dead bedroom. He didn't give away his best years to his AP (he was drinking a lot and used V with her too), but he certainly became a very different person sexually during and after his affair.

Anyway, I sympathize with your feelings, I deeply feel your pain, and I hope you find a way to make peace with your situation.

Lost,

If you still have the "Last Goodbye" recording of your WW and her AP go back and listen to it again. She told him he was the Love of Her life. 3 years later He is still the Love of Her life and likely to be the remainder of her life!

If you stay in the marriage you're going to have to accept you will always be #2 to the POSAP.

Peace