Today is 2 weeks from D-Day # 2 and 6 weeks from D-Day 1. My now ex partner and I have been together for 10 years, met in high school, and have lived together in 3 apartments for over 6 years. She was my first love and only person I’ve ever been intimate with. We’ve had problems of uncertainty navigating our 20’s together, but overall, what seemed like a functioning relationship.
D-day 1: I discovered that last summer she slept with someone while on a girl’s trip. This was her best friend’s (since middle school) cousin. This was a true one night stand and no one knew, not even her best friend who was on the trip, until recently. They swore to not contact each other after the trip, but he reached out, I saw the message, and she confessed. I attempted reconciliation for a painstaking month where she swore on the lives of everyone she loves that this was the only time she ever cheated. She gave me access to her phone, we talked about the one night stand excessively, and she seemed to show genuine remorse. I know now that this month was filled with gaslighting, blameshifting, and more lies.
D-Day 2: 2 weeks ago, I logged onto her laptop which unbeknownst to her had messages from years ago (2023) still on the Messages app (long since deleted on her phone). I found flirty messages and photos being sent to a few deleted numbers. When I confronted her, she broke down and confessed to cheating me with at least 2 other people that I know from her work over the last 4/5 years. Both were bosses/colleagues that I’ve met, shaken hands with, and invited to our homes. I even made comments about how close she was with these individuals, but trusted her anyway after she would lie to my face. One of the AP’s is twice her age and has been married for decades (I have no intention of informing the other betrayed spouse who is suffering from medical issues). My ex mentioned flirty messages and emotional affairs prior, but I believe she may have been cheating on me for a majority of our relationship (8/9 years). Cheating took place everywhere: our home, work, business trips, cars, and hotels. I often drove her to and from work and attending work events where her AP’s were present.
I asked her to leave the house, removed her from the lease, gave her time to get all of her belongings, and have blocked her number. She sent me a multi-paragraph email apologizing and blaming herself and insecurities, but I responded that we can only communicate about logistics. Yesterday, all of her belongings have been taken from the house and I now have no reason to contact her. Some family lent me money to cover my bills for a few months while I stay in our rented apartment.
I got tested for STD’s, increased my anxiety medication, have been in therapy for a month, informed all my friends & family, replacing my furniture, deleted 10 years of photos, and am working hard to get through each day, but I’m struggling massively. I’ve read NO SOLICITING and have been on this site incessantly for a few weeks now.
I know now that she was a serial cheater, likely with narcissistic personality disorder which was exacerbated by my codependency, but I need some advice and support on how to move forward. She was the only person I’ve ever been intimate with, I’ve never lived alone, and losing her family (which was like a second family to me) has all been so painful. I’m finding myself ruminating over 10 years of memories which are now all ruined. Every sexual experience I’ve had is now tainted. I’m triggered all the time and scared that these memories and the betrayal will not get better. I’ve never dated anyone except her and it’s so overwhelming to think she was dating and having sex with people behind my back for most of the relationship. Any advice and support would be much appreciated.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:23 PM, Tuesday, March 11th]
