Hi SI wayward friends! I am grateful to have you all as a community. I wanted to share some thinking that helps me and see if it sparks something for you.
I have done triathlons all my adult life* - not Ironman, Olympic distance which is much shorter. I'm not an intense trainer, I just like to have a day on the calendar marked for an event to sort of work toward. I would run a lot already so I would be in shape for the run. Even though I don't swim much, I grew up swimming in open water, so the open water swim doesn't bother me - I usually do a couple of longish swims before the meet just to make sure I can do the distance without fatigue. I don't love biking so I usually do the most change there - a couple of months before the race, I would start doing more biking. I don't worry about the bike to run transition - I'll just go slower until the lactic acid wears off, etc. And I figure on race day the adrenalin will put the three together. I'm not in it to win or place, just for fun and to vary training. And the tshirt.
But on race day, I often wake up thinking thinking rats, I should have trained better. This is going to hurt. Why did I do this so half-assed? And I also think - I don't have to do the race. I could just sleep in. But I've never quit, and the way I manage that hour before the start is just to do the next step in front of me and not think about the full thing. So I'll put on my wetsuit. Step through the shower. Hair in the swim cap, join the line up, follow my wave to the start line, etc. I've never once been sorry that I finished the race (and after it starts, I've never scolded myself for not training enough).
One afternoon about 18 months after Dday I finally wrote out every lie I had ever told my husband. Things he couldn't possibly ever find out if I didn't tell him. I didn't do it for his sake, I did it for my own - I wanted to feel clean. When he would say, I love you there was an unvoiced thought lurking in my mind that said to me he doesn't know all of you so that can't be true. I wanted everything in the open, so if he ever did say he loved me again, it was loving all of me, the messed up parts I was trying to fix as well as the parts that are easier to love. I wanted to be naked before him, so to speak, and I wanted him to accept me as I was and what I was becoming and what I wanted to become. But even wanting that so badly - taking that step where I told him everything, that seemed impossible. The next morning, I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, willing myself to go in and give him the paper. Nothing in me wanted to do it. I realized - I know this feeling, I've been here before. This is the triathlon feeling. Intensified, but it's in the same ballpark. So then I also know what to do. Just do the next step, don't think about how long or hard or painful it will be. Just put on the wetsuit and get in the lineup. So I went in and gave him the paper.
Does this resonate for you? How have you used experiences, strengths, skills, to help yourself out, to support your weakness? Do you do this? If not, what might you try?
*actually I stopped a few years ago for injuries - but that messes with the flow of the story :) Now I do (sigh) pilates and indoor swimming. They are growing on me.
**there is more to this story on the "Support Through Prayer" thread found here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/572674/support-through-prayer-part-3/?ap=921
[This message edited by Pippin at 3:50 AM, Monday, March 10th]
