Hi there-
You didn’t mention if you are also married?
My first post on SI was pretty much the same thing you just posted. It was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life.
What I didn’t understand is WHY it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It turned out it wasn’t really about him or even love.
When the AP came along I was very depressed. And I quickly found having an affair made me feel very alive. However, I didn’t understand that I was having a chemical reaction to large doses of dopamine and adrenaline surging through my system.
In other words, it’s a common biological reaction to having an affair and it would not even matter who it was with. There is a push/pull dynamic in an affair that creates an addiction and what you are saying about it being withdrawal is true- you mind wants that dopamine/adrenaline fix and it says all kinds of conflicting things to you.
I could not think about anything else I was completely obsessed and yet didn’t want to be.
Here are some things that are going to sound stupid because I am sure you have some narrative about this being a big love. You are going to go through both psychological and physical withdrawal.
For physical: exercise and as a good one because it’s also a natural a biological reaction to get some of those happy chemicals from Movement. There are foods you can eat too that help produce happy brain chemicals. It’s been a while for me but I seem to remember salmon, berries, pineapple but you can google it. Getting the right amount of sleep - not too little and not too much, though sleeping was hard for me and the mornings were always even the worst. Melatonin helped but you may need medical intervention too. They treated me with OCD meds, and that did help a lot more.
Psychological- I did therapy which did help. Journaling helped.
Pull on the strings of things that never sat right. I had these weird moments of clarity in the affair in which I would realize he wasn’t following through on small things, he would let his mask slip enough for me to know I didn’t matter to him in the way his real life did. I realized by looking at these things that I projected a lot of qualities on him that likely were just made up In my mind. You have to unravel the truth.
Also read Frank Pittman’s articles on romantic infidelity, it will confirm to you this common psychological reaction is predictable in the way it presents. It’s a form of love addiction.
So the bigger thing I had to do was spend concerted efforts to find ways for me to light up my own life. I took up rilunning for a while because past the time of the physical withdrawal I found it helped me feel accomplished, have time to just be and focus on something I enjoy. I learned to garden, I planned trips, I tried new things (quickly learning I am not a dancer or someone who enjoys aerial yoga), I stayed busy just trying to figure out what was missing in my life that I couldn’t be excited about it all on its own.
I started a gratitude practice, and if you do it consistently it does start to rewire your brain. I totally recommend that. I spent time in nature nd practices being in the moment. Being in the moment and mindful of tasks at hand were crucial.
It takes active effort. Over time what I found was that I needed to learn to love myself, and stop relying on other people to fill the void that was there because that love of self was absent.
It was truly a dark night of the soul, but the healing that took place because I kept actively engaging anything and everything is certainly priceless to my journey.
I can’t say any of it was easy, but I can see clearly that I do not want to be the kind of person who has an affair, who causes pain to innocent people, who needs others to make me feel whole. And I am happy with who I am and where I am going. There used to be a good post pinned to the top of this forum called Maia’s guide to withdrawal. I will see if it’s still there and if it isn’t I will see if I can find it and bump it for you.
Start thinking that it isn’t him that you miss, it’s yourself. Because that is the truth even though it’s hard to see where you stand right now.
[This message edited by hikingout at 7:09 PM, Wednesday, March 5th]
