SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hell of a week I just went through and I just need somewhere to get it all out. If anyone wants to offer advice or their own stories please share!

Coming up on 5 months DDay and still working on recovery with my BH. Some days are amazing, some days we’re both a mess. This past week we experienced both. Some wonderful fun times together and a few low days for him. Just taking it day by day!

I guess you could say I had an epiphany this week about what a certified terrible wife I was during my affair. I obviously know what I did was horrible and I do regret my choices tremendously. I was going through some substance abuse issues during this time and had AP/ a few friends brainwashing me into thinking my husband was abusive/ controlling ect. Not that any of that excuses my behavior, but I can see everything in a different light now. I didn’t really realize how badly I truly treated my husband during this time until literally last night. I couldn’t sleep so I read every text message we had from June 2024- present. What an actual slap in the face that was. I was so disgusted and disappointed by how I was speaking to my spouse during that time, I had a breakdown. My sweet husband was begging for me to communicate, was going out of his way to change for me, was BEGGING me to stop hanging out with my "friend" so much. And in response I lied to him, gaslight him, and placed the blame of our rocky marriage fully on him. I just want to go back to that time and beat myself senseless. I can’t believe I didn’t see how hard he was trying to fix things, how much love he had for me, and how badly he was fighting for me. I hate that I chose to prioritize my rat of an AP over him. I hate that I hurt my best friend. I hate the person I was. I never want to be her again and I never want to put my husband through that pain again.

Horrible timing for a mental breakdown lol. My husband left this morning for an out of state fishing trip (our first time apart since DDay). Which I was already anxious about because I hate being alone. I called him after he left and tried to calmly apologize for my past behavior and actions, but I immediately started sobbing. I told him how disappointed I was reading everything. I told him how truly sorry I am and how much I love him. I’m hoping his weekend trip gives him some actual peace and relaxation. And hoping to talk to him more when he returns home.

Did anyone have their WS experience something similar and was it helpful to hear them explain how they understand now how horrible their actions were?

If you’re a WS did you ever go through something similar?

[This message edited by KarmaCat at 4:34 PM, Friday, February 28th]

Yes.

I went through this, and it builds from here actually.

I think the gradient of ws recovery goes from being overwhelmed with guilt and shame to shifting into remorse. Guilt is how we feel about what we did. It’s the pain that comes from our conscience.

Remorse is when you have made enough room to see the pain you inflicted, how insensitive you were and how that must have deeply wounded your husband.

Both are productive on our journey.

Shame is the pitfall I found myself in a lot and it’s less productive. I will describe what I mean in a moment but I think what you are describing is you are coming into a deeper stage of remorse.

Shame is a judgement of our core self and it impedes progress. Where as guilt says "I did some very bad things", remorse says "I recognize the damage I inflicted and will do what I can to make amends", Shame is "I am bad". I do not hear a lot of shame in what you just wrote but I think it’s important to be aware of it because it can keep one avoidant which is very unhelpful in our recovery and healing.

Any of these three can be overwhelming at times and I think you are describing an episode where you are being overcome with guilt and remorse. I think that’s a great sign that you want to move towards a much higher version of yourself and is a positive thing. Feeling your emotions and not avoiding them, providing sincere and specific apologies, and then continuing to use that energy towards self discovery are to me all good signs of moving forward in the right way.

I have to say I was very impressed with the proactive advice/list you gave DC this morning. I think regardless of outcomes, you are truly interested in being self reflective and making the changes and trying to make the amends. That’s all you can do. The challenge is transcending past being this person (it will take time and effort which you seem to be willing to make good use of) and what you will eventually find in this journey that once you have done that work and are much stronger instead of hating yourself, you will grow to have compassion over who you once were and why you were.

"When you know better you do better"

I know you are in IC and they will help you figure out the patterns that have likely been there since you were a girl, the lack of coping skills that you had in your life can become strengthened and you will no longer need escapism through substances, people, etc.

All this to say, what you are doing and feeling is in my eyes a good path to that journey. Ultimately, what you are striving for is to identify these things you need to change to be who you want to become, and as you become you will watch your life and relationships improve until you are who you were striving towards, and then the reconciliation of all the light and dark we all have inside of us becomes all just who you are. So there will not be "hating who you were at this time" she is you and you are her, you simply acted on your worst instincts.

I believe you will go the distance here. It’s a lot of pain to wade through, but just know better days are coming because you care enough to do what is needed. Keep posting, lots to navigate ahead.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:21 PM, Friday, February 28th]

Oh and yes it’s helpful to express your remorse. As you are aware that will not solve it for him and there is still a lot for him to navigate as well. But generally, sincere admonishment of what you did is something that is absolutely needed. As is showing growth, progress and ultimately change. No matter the outcome of the relationship this is worthy work for your life moving forward.

Did anyone have their WS experience something similar and was it helpful to hear them explain how they understand now how horrible their actions were?

Hey- the bs folks can’t post here without you removing the stop sign. If you want their responses you can ask a mod to take it off for you. In the future it’s a checkmark that you can remove yourself, many people who are new don’t know to look for it.

Thank you so much for the kind words and advice!

Thanks for the heads up about the stop sign, I could have swore I removed it before posting!

Did anyone have their WS experience something similar and was it helpful to hear them explain how they understand now how horrible their actions were?

For me this is still happening 6 years later and I expect it's going to for ever? and of course now I see even more clearly how bad it was for everyone involved (husband, me, potentially for children and friends). But the episodes are further apart and I have more ways to manage the overcast that comes with them. Like you, it often happens when I'm away from my husband for a night or two. You should check out how your husband responds to you reaching out to him when he is away with your emotional flood. My husband actually appreciates it, because it shows him how important he is to me and he likes to be able to be helpful, but at 5 months out your husband might need the space from you to feel normal for a few days. There was a period of time when my husband did not want to deal with my emotions and needed to see I could manage on my own. It is good for me to both be able to handle the flood on my own but also turn to him when he wants to help. Lots of tools in the toolbox for different scenarios and different needs, his and mine.