SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My "husband" that is still married to me (left 2.5 years ago after I caught him having an affair with coworker #1) moved into his girlfriend’s house recently (coworker #2) - so that’s where I must release my children ages 10 & 5 to be on his weekends. There’s something very strange and unsettling about handing your kids off to a person that feels like an absolute stranger and his gf - a literal absolute stranger. Then it’s all a mystery from there! A double life my girls live that I’m absolutely clueless about. I feel like my resent for him just continues to grow seeing the dysfunctional way my daughters have now internalized what being a "family" looks like. Dad just leaves us and you stay with him and his newest girlfriend every other weekend ~ yippee! They’re view of what is considered "normal". I’m still traumatized by everything that has occurred and how the rug was just pulled out from under me. I feel like an absolute fool of a wife and the laughing stock at his job since he was able to bag both women on his team. Can you imagine the level of embarrassment I feel that that’s what my husband is capable of? No shame in the least. He always expected for me to remain his "friend", small talk, laugh here and there at something he thought was funny after everything he’s done because you know, that’s what’s "best for the girls". I’m just a stone wall when I open my door to release my children to him and any verbal communication (which is ALWAYS through text message) is very robotic, matter of fact and to the point. I have no respect for him AT ALL. He will never be my friend and I will never pretend to do so.

I guess I’m writing on here because my almost 11 year old is very secretive about her weekends. Especially since she’s now staying in this new women’s house (they were introduced to her mid-November). This will be their second time there and when I ask her how her weekend went, she just becomes very avoidant. She’ll say good and then just dodge me and leave the room. I leave it alone from there, but I will say it makes me feel bad and also uneasy that there’s this entire separate life that my kids also have that’s "none of my business". I don’t know why but it feels like sort of triple a betrayal, from him and kind of from my kids that are so hush hush when they get home. I feel like I no longer matter in so many ways. Like who am I..my 5 year old doesn’t talk about anything either when she comes home. All I know is she has a house and they have their own room there now. And what makes me feel bad is after he left, I had to move from our home and downsize to a one bedroom apartment in a depressed area with them because that’s all I was able to afford. And yes, that’s with me receiving child and spousal support and in addition, cashed out my pension to survive on that. I finally went back to work now so my plan is to save for the actual divorce portion at this point since he does absolutely nothing about it on his end.

There’s not a day that goes by, where I don’t wake up wondering if this is all just a nightmare that feels so real 🥺

I feel this, I will be faced with it soon, the hurt of your kids growing close to another person is worse than losing your ws.

Its very hard not to make it a competition about who can give them the most fun.

My boy will soon live with his mum and her ap and it's hurts so much.

I will also be downsizing and they will no doubt afford something much bigger and better, but you have to make the best of it and enjoy your time together and block the thoughts out when they are away.

Try to concentrate on yourself and not seem bothered about what they do, or get the gossip on the other house.

Your stronger than you think. You can do it.

I’m still traumatized by everything that has occurred and how the rug was just pulled out from under me.

What have you done to help yourself through the healing process? Are you in IC? It sounds like at 2.5 years out you are not feeling any sort of progress of healing? Please make that a priority.

I feel like an absolute fool of a wife and the laughing stock at his job since he was able to bag both women on his team.

Please stop taking this on. HE did this. You did nothing to be embarassed about. Trust me, no one at his job was thinking he was cool doing this. This is HIS shame, not yours. You hold your head up high and continue down your path.

but I will say it makes me feel bad and also uneasy that there’s this entire separate life that my kids also have that’s "none of my business".

This spoke to me. My ex moved in a string of new GFs. He made it very clear to my children that they or what happened at his house was "none of my business". They even went on vacation and he told them to lie about where they were going because 'it was none of my business'.

I suspect you are being met with avoidance & silence from your children because they are also being placed in a similar, very unfair situation. I stopped asking because I did not want to do that to them.

My only question(s) when I found out there was another new GF moved in was "Is she nice to you?" I made it clear to them that was all I cared about. That they could handle.

Over the years, if they shared more. I would just say "Oh that sounds fun" (or whatever). I never asked any questions. This put them in the role of sharing (not feeling like they quizzed).

My mom also pulled them aside and let them know if they ever needed her to come get them, anywhere. To call her. This put them out of the position of feeling like they were stuck.

I’m just a stone wall when I open my door to release my children to him

You don't really need to do this either. I found that tremendously hard. I had my children all ready and items by the door. I told him he was to pull up and beep. They would just go out. There was no reason for me to see his face Like you, I did everything via texts or emails so I did not need to be making any chit-chat with him.

I am a long way out from my D now. I promise you that this feels like FOREVER when you are going through this, but this is temporary.

You will blink and you will be on the other side of this. Your children will have aged out, etc.

In the meantime, you keep working on healing yourself.

(and hope this GF is a good person. One of my ex's GFs, turned out to be wonderful with my DD; way better than her own father. Your children can never have too many folks on their team if they are a positive and supportive model)

You are not an embarrassment. Your cheating STBXH is the embarrassment.

People at his job aren’t saying "his wife is ……". They are saying "he is a liar and cheater and we feel sorry for his wife".

People often lose respect for people like him.