[Warning, long and triggering post]
I am a WP. I am writing here because I want to document my story and organise, explain and confront it. I have been severely and serially unfaithful to my BP of 8 years. It has been 7 and a half weeks since I tried to confess my infidelities, but because of being a compulsive liar, being a coward, being irrevocably damaged and extremely selfish, I couldn't tell the complete truth until about 2 weeks after trying to confess the recent infidelity. I trickle truthed to my BP and tried to justify and defend things, sugar coat my mistakes and downplay the severity of it all. Being so pathetic. Given so many chances by my BP to come completely clean, but I let fear get the best of me, trying to save face and my reluctance to accept everything I had done after denying it for so long. And I let it go to waste. I regret everything so much. Wish I did not hurt my BP like that and been a whole person from the start.
I have cheated on my BP 8 times since the start of our relationship. I will expand on each one after this brief run over of what happened. I wanted to come clean, although I tried, I couldn't spill all the details of my recent indiscretions until 2 weeks after telling them about my recent affair and they found out about two of them after I confessed about the recent one (I gave him access to my social media, as an effort to try and be transparent) and prior to confessing about it all I gave them a letter which I used chatgpt to write the a big part of and wrote a small part, the end, myself and handed it to them. When confronted I denied it repeatedly until he proved that part of the letter was AI. Despicable and insincere. Being afraid of the repercussions from admitted to something so disgraceful, trying to pathetically save face and being unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate of the impact this would have on my BP. I have hurt and destroyed the one person that really and truly cared about me for once in my miserable life and literally gave me the world.
I have only fuelled those thoughts that I am unworthy, that all I do is destroy and that I am the worst kind of human that exists. That a human such as myself doesn't deserve to exist. After Dday, there was a period where I was struggling to live with myself, but recently I have been adopting a somewhat healthier lifestyle, letting myself feel the pain and accept the consequences of my mistakes. Despite, having moments where I feel normal, I force myself to remember everything I’ve done and the reality of my situation. I was doing therapy, taking medication and writing in my journal. I stopped therapy about a month ago, for financial reasons and I couldn’t be completely truthful to my therapist. My friend has told me to go back to IC, but at this moment, I have found reading through the SI blog and here on reddit more helpful, as well as going through some books about infidelity and compulsive lying.
I was suicidal, although in front of people it was to grab their attention, however, behind the door to my room, I would choke myself to points where I turned blue and could feel pins and needles all over. I would count how many tablets I have available and search online the recommended dosage to ending it. But I’d remind myself that I don’t even deserve the easy way out, that I deserve to suffer for everything I have done to my BP. I'm not as suicidal as much now, the thoughts still creep in from time to time, but I'm able to manage the thoughts quite quickly. I know I deserve to feel this way, but I had felt that for everyone's sake, especially my BP, that they would all be better off without my burdening existence as a reminder of all the terrible things I've done. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. I don't deserve any and don’t want any. Maybe I would rather people just curse at me, hurt me, tell me I’m the devil, that someone like me doesn’t deserve to exist, maybe as an excuse to prove to myself that I really should take that final step to disappear.
On the other hand, I have been trying to remind and talk myself into trying to be positive. That aside from all my shocking mistakes, that I am and have been good person, that I do have a good side to me. And I am trying to reconnect more with that part of me. Lately, I have been feeling a lot more present daily, that time feels slower and I’m not so much on auto pilot as I was before. I have also been feeling like a different person to before, more self-aware and conscious, controlling my impulses better than before.
As much as I know I have traumatised my BP immensely, I feel part of that trauma too. I have also felt physically disgusted and repulsed at even the thought of masturbation let alone being physically intimate with anyone. Consciously and subconsciously I remind myself of all the things I did and how much pain my BP must be experiencing. My BP blocked me around 7 weeks ago and I have held back from contacting them at all because I understand they need space. However, I plan to and would like to approach them again when they return from their two month trip away by meeting them at the airport and to hand them a sincere letter this time (based solely on apologising for everything I’ve done, no more future hopes and positive outlooks) and also for a bit of closure for them, to read my whys and details of each of my infidelity. I recognise that it is highly probable that nothing can fix the damage I’ve caused, that they most likely will not give me one last chance and that they could very much walk away rather than listen or take the letter from me, but one thing I know about myself is I never quit.
I’d like to move on to explain each of my indiscretions, explaining my whys and confronting each infidelity head on. My BP and I started dating in April 2016. Shortly after we went on a few dates (trying to remember the exact details, I believe it was roughly a month after we first met, so sometime in May/early June), I went to party hosted by an ex (I’ll call this ex, ex B) and I met this other individual whom I also went on a few dates with. I slept with my BP within the first/second month of dating and had only gone as far as kissing with this other guy. My BP had asked me if I was seeing someone else at the time and I denied it.
While dating my BP, I went on possibly around 2 or 3 dates with this other guy (struggling to remember exactly how often I saw this person). Nothing was official with this other guy, however I could tell they really liked and me. Things were definitely official with my BP after the first month as he began taking me on some small trips and then by the 3/4th month we were dating, took me to a friend’s wedding and on a trip to their home country for 3 weeks. It was only after going on the long trip to their home country did I decide end things with the other guy around mid/late-August. I told the other guy the truth, that I was already seeing someone else and that I had decided to commit to them. They did not take it well at all and were extremely hurt by my confession, rightfully so. I stupidly and pathetically tried to save face with them by reassuring them and saying I wanted to help them through the pain. They did not accept any of that and called me out. Shortly after a few more message exchanges they blocked me and I didn’t delete the chat history with them on Facebook. My BP found the chat history after confessing the recent affair with them and giving them access to my social media and that’s how this truth was revealed.
This wasn’t the first time I dated more than one person in one time without any of them knowing. I had done it once before and the person I chose ended up cheating on me with their ex (second time for one of my ex partners to cheat on me with an ex) and likely what I deserve for dating more than one person. I did not sleep with any of them until I settled for one. When thinking about by I dated another person while I was already dating someone else, which realising is just horrible and immature, really regretting being that kind of person when I was young; I know I did it as a defence mechanism after one of my ex’s (I’ll call them ex A), whom I lost my virginity to, had cheated on me with his ex and then decided to get back together with her. However, even after ending things with me, I was quite broken by it and so they took advantage of that and would continue having sex with me occasionally while they were together with their ex. Really fucked up, when I relive and write this all down. Anyway, I have realised that after that relationship, my trust in a relationships was lacking and so I did untrustworthy things and still did all the way into my relationship with my BP. I have also always had really low self-esteem, self-worth and self-compassion, stemming from various kinds of childhood abuse, growing up in a very dysfunctional family and being bullied in school, as well as at home, for being an overweight child. I won’t go into these experiences but have realised how negative all my past lived experiences have influenced me, my desire for attention and controlling my impulses.
On to my second infidelity. It was unplanned and happened with ex B. Ex B and I stopped talking for a while after I ended things with their friend at the start of my relationship with BP, however they reached out to me prior to leaving the country in 2017 and so we continued friendly contact. When they returned from their year abroad around August 2018, they asked to meet up for a last minute catch-up, so I invited them over to my family flat, where my brother was also present as some sort of assurance that nothing would happen. They had brought some sort of strong liquor with them which we shared and when it was time for them to leave, I offered to walk them to the bus stop. While walking they kissed me out of the blue and I just let the flush of alcohol, my impulses and my need to feel wanted/attractive takeover, so I kissed back and next thing happened we began having protected sex behind some bins part of a block of flats. Thinking back to it, I wondered if ex B had anticipated that they might make a move since they were carrying a condom on them. It never really crossed my mind until now. Anyway, mid intercourse I somewhat woke up to reality and stopped it out of shock and began crying. I then went home in complete shock at having let things go that far, went through an intense bulimia binge and purge cycle before taking a long shower. Being overwhelmed by the shame and guilt of it all, I went into denial mode. Trying to push it out of my mind that it never happened. Ex B and I stopped contact for about a year before we resumed contact. I had decided to never meet them without anyone around again, however they were still very into me that they would treat me bit more special than other friends and would try romantic things like touching my hand or trying to get close to me and sending me texts about how they missed me and then would delete it. I didn’t let things escalate further than that and would remove myself from being near them when they tried anything physical, especially as they were seeing people during those moments too, but they would deny it despite others confirming they were together with that person. I realise I should have completely cut contact with ex B from the beginning as I could sense they still had deep feelings for me after I broke things off with them. Instead I let myself enjoy the attention they showed towards me. Another sick and twisted thing about what I did in regards to this affair was that 2 years after the incident, I introduced my BP to this ex B and even had my BP tag along on gatherings hosted by ex B as a foolish attempt to keep ex B at a distance. It worked for the most part and eventually ex B grew distant and found a long-term relationship themselves and our contact reduced and almost became non-existent for this past year and a half. However, I contacted Ex B to inform them about what I had recently done to my BP and that I had decided to tell my BP about what happened between them and I. Ex B immediately told me not to do and that they were worried it would backlash onto them as their current partner did not know that him and I had had that encounter in 2018, even though it was a few year prior to them meeting. I on the other hand told them I needed to do it for my BP’s sake and mine. That it was time everything came out. I then told ex B this was the last they would hear from me and before they could reply, I blocked them on all platforms as well as deleted their number and all our messages. I have not reached out to them since and have not felt obligated to either.
Affair 3 is based around the year 2022 that a few people messaged me on Instagram and I would message back for verbal attention. No videos or photos were shared, it was mainly them complimenting me and then after a day or two of chatting I would ignored and then block the person. I don’t remember the people at all or what was exchanged as it was done to feed my ego.
On to affair 4 and 5 as they are both interlinked and were virtual affairs. I have managed to pin point dates as it was all on done on the phone. So these affairs were with two of my old flatmates from university, whom I was very close to. For context, the affairs started because flatmate E and I had briefly slept together in the year 2015. After that, we were a bit awkward around each other and our other flatmate, flatmate A picked up on that, but never asked either of us about it. Flatmate E then decided to share with flatmate A about what had happened between us on 29/05/2022. From this point on boundaries between my flatmates and I were being pushed and I let myself give into the attention. I had also created a pornhub account and posted some photos in lingerie and one video of myself doing stuff, which my BP was aware of me doing, however I shared this profile with the two flat mates as well as Ex B. To sum up, Affair 4 took place between 14/06/2022 until 15/07/2023, whereby flatmate E and I exchanged several inappropriate texts and an inappropriate photo each was shared privately. They also shared their NSFW twitter account where they had a couple of photos of themselves, although I didn’t masturbate to this, I enjoyed looking at it, along with seeing the posts of the girls they were into. The exchanges stopped because flatmate E had begun to see someone seriously.
Affair 5 with Flatmate A took place a bit earlier because after initially finding out I slept with flatmate E they had mentioned feeling like they had missed out and to top it off this virtual affair lasted a lot longer and flatmate A was in a relationship with someone whom had a child. The affair took place between 29/05/2022 until 04/08/2024. The several inappropriate texts exchanged were sporadic for the most part and I would frequently ignore messages. However aside from inappropriate message, 3 photos and one video of them and their partner engaging in intercourse were shared with me, and one photo as well as my pornhub account was shared with them. I gave my BP complete access to my phone where they discovered these two affairs and when confronted about I at first did not recognise them, but then admitted that I had done so and agreed that these counted as acts of infidelity. After these came to light, I explained to both flatemates that what we had done was wrong and that the one in a relationship should tell their partner about what went on between and that I would be cutting off contact with both of them completely and that I wish them us all the best in their life ahead. Flatmate E said that I was taking it this too far and that it was a while ago, I reiterated it was not right and that nothing would change my mind and proceed with blocking and deleting their number. Flatmate A apologised and said they did not know how to react to the message and wished me all the best back, after which I blocked and deleted them as well. My BP had insisted I reach out to Flatmate A’s partner for the sake of their kid as there was no indication that they would tell their partner about this and so I sent a message through Facebook explaining the affair as gently as I could. They have however not read or replied to the message so have left it at that.
Affair 6 and 7 were done with Ex A, whom I mentioned above. They had kept contact with me since ending our relationship, however contact was minimal as they were constantly in and out of different relationships. During my relationship with BP we had met around 5 or 6 times. The first few times we met was to catch-up briefly in a park with some coffee. Around the third or fourth time we met for bouldering and afterwards sat in a park where they tried to touch me inappropriately, at which point I told them no and left. The next time we met around the year 2023, we went to a library together to get some things done and catch-up. After the library we sat in a park nearby discussing relationships and I had brought up the lack of intercourse between BP and I. Ex A would then say things I would want to hear, I’ve realised and finally become turned off by Ex A, that they were very manipulative and I let myself fall and get sucked into it all for the measly attention, wanting to hear them say they regretted ending things with me and that they would often think about times with me. In a way I wanted revenge against them, but to also be close to the person whom I felt stole my innocence and character. Anyway, following talking about things I shouldn’t have disclosed with Ex A, they began making requests such as asking to hold my hand then try to kiss me a few times. To be honest, it felt uncomfortable, but I let it happen as I have recognised that I always do what I can to please people, that I struggle to say no. On the other hand, despite not enjoying the kiss, it felt good to be wanted and so Ex A suggested we find somewhere private and so I went along with them, we found a carpark nearby and because they did not have protection on them, we proceeded to have anal sex where they finished without pulling out. I felt so vile afterwards and would begin my bulimia cycle as a form of coping with my indiscretions. Contact with Ex A was always whenever they reached out to me. I would rarely, if ever reach out to them. Affair 7 happened with Ex A in March 2024. They were very insistent finding a time to meet up and catch-up, they had finally broken me down and were now trying to take advantage of that and I let them. So we met up as I was heading out for the evening briefly. They took the train with me to main train station, trying to engage in affectionate acts. I felt numb and disinterested in them trying to hold my hand and kiss me. After my night out and having drank a fair bit, I reached out to Ex A telling them I was on my way back at which point they suggested we get a hotel, which they were unsuccessful in doing, so we ended up having protected intercourse in an alleyway. Again I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would and even asked them to finish quite soon after it started. After that time, I would ignore Ex A’s messages often. I then contacted them as I was trying to gather accurate dates as they and I had both erased all previous messages because I wanted to give my BP the full truth and timeline of all my indiscretions. After which I told them I would not contact them ever again and also wished them all the best, then also blocking and deleting them.
And now to the worst of all the affairs, 8 and 9. There is no excuse for this one as it was purely and utterly selfish. Trying to feed myself and make myself feel better. But also prove I was not myself anymore, that I just wanted to be somebody else. I created a Tinder account under a false name and date of birth at the start of September 2024 (again I deleted traces of this because I was ashamed and wanted to hide away what I had done and refuse accountability, so I do not remember the exact date at the start of September that I downloaded tinder), I matched with a few guys but nothing of particularly caught my attention until one person I matched with, was from another country visiting for over a week on the upcoming weekend of the 7th of September. We arranged to meet that evening and did a few activities and had a couple of drinks. I do have to admit it was a thrilling evening, however I had to keep up with being called a false name and with my make shift back story. The AP kissed me and we continued kissing throughout the night, until we reached their hotel room where we engaged in sex and I slept over. Contact with this AP became lacking after that night together until they wanted to meet again before they flew back. So I did and we met on the 15/09/2024, where we also had sex when first meeting up and then went out for a meal. I spent the night with this AP and we messaged each other about 3 times each after that day and after they left. I deleted and blocked them after ignoring their recent message and deciding to tell me BP about this affair with advice from a close friend of mine to do so. However, because of being sucked in by denial, unaccountability, advoiding shame, trying to save face and trying to downplay the severity of it, I didn’t tell the full truth about this affair when confessing, hiding a lot of the facts, like sleeping with them twice and the dates as I was afraid of my BP leaving me. I TT this affair to my BP when I had decided to partially confess on the 19th of September. But I kept slipping up and BP became aware they weren’t get the full story. After being given many chances, and them realising the letter I gave them was insincere, BP forced me to phone my mum and tell them what I had done and then I spilled the full story of the recent affair to both my BP and my mother in a rage of tears. I then full wrote down the details of this affair and read it out to them. A REALLY shitty thing about this affair is that my relationship with my BP was quite strained in the recent years and I had confronted BP a few times about this and how I felt the passion was lacking, so BP had made a bit of effort to see and spend more time with me around this time and were staying and spending time with me while I was having the affair. I feel extremely ashamed thinking about it, that I actually went that far to find affirmation and validation. I would rationalise it and delude myself that I was somebody else.
That’s one thing I have realised being a wayward, is the we have been so self-centred and selfish, thinking that even virtual affairs are nothing, when they are equally wrong. By reversing roles and putting myself in my BPs shoes is a nightmare to think about and I’m sick to my stomach at the lack of consideration and respect I had towards my BP. Letting my traumas and insecurities as excuses and instead of using them to make me a better person, I let them turn me rotten and not having any boundaries to maintain my integrity.
I have been extremely weak. Either seeking attention or becoming absorbed and influenced by whomsoever gave me attention or showed me a small ounce of affection and so I would ignore my dignity just to feel temporarily loved and wanted I have thought a lot about why I have been so weak and easy to let my impulses overwhelm me in order to feel appreciated. And I realise this relates to when I was young and having a disrupted relationship with both my parents, especially my father. That in spite of abuse I’d do anything I could to gain his attention or recognition.
And just when I wasn’t getting the attention from the person I loved, I sought it out from other people like Ex A, my two old flatmates and the guy from tinder. Just like with my parents. When feeling neglected, even slightly, I’d become dramatic, outgoing and put myself out there to gain sympathy and attention from other people. And I think a few examples that highlights this a lot for me is when I was small, i think around the age of 5/6 I would deliberately get lost when shopping with my mother in supermarkets, and make up dramatic/traumatic stories to gain a strangers sympathy. Often portraying myself as a victim because I have been one most my life, however this time I am the perpetrator.
Anyhow, I'm pretty much venting at this point. The point is I belive I have discovered most of my whys and understanding my infidelities and I will keep reminding myself of my reality, but also continue trying to grow positively from this and never quit. Thank you to everyone whom replied to my previous post, it really helped a lot at the time and also thank you to those who took the time to read through this lengthy, unpleasant post. I hope my insights shed some light for other WPs out there.
