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Newest Member: Br0kenButterfly

Wayward Side :
Been hanging around…now I need to get to my Why!

stop

 PHFA (original poster new member #85184) posted at 1:33 AM on Sunday, November 24th, 2024

I’ve been delaying writing my story. I’m usually good with words as my job requires it. With this, though, i feel it will be very hard to get it down. Bottom line, I’ve been horrible to my BS for soooo long that I don’t see why she should be with me…other than the one thing she tells me…she loves me still. D-Day was 3/13/24. Since that time, I’ve made minimal progress whereas she has done so much to help herself and me. Sure, we’ve had some good times during these months but I wind up creating a crisis that destroys all progress I/we made and she is left, in pain, hurt again by me. What I have done is show her, in many different ways, that I am not committed to her. I say I am but my actions have shown her the opposite. We are currently in a period of living separately (counselor-suggested) so we can heal ourselves. Even in this circumstance, where we are so close to D, I’ve lied to her about something just last week and have failed to put her first always (PHFA)…I’ve done so rarely. That comes on the heels of me hiding an EA from her even after she begged me to come clean. I didn’t.

Let me give some back story for some context of how horrible I’ve been. I’ve done the trifecta (PAs, porn, and EAs). We’ve been married for 33 years. Four years into our marriage, with one child here and the 2nd imminently coming, I got flirty with a staff member where i worked. At first it was banter that I liked. I eventually shared with this woman that I thought she was attractive. She liked that and I saw an opening and pushed. We became physical and she was my first PA. It lasted about 7-8 months. We were outed by a co-worker but the boss squelched it. The woman moved on. Even gone from the workplace, we hooked up a few more times before it ended.

Within 5-6 months, I met someone else. Not in the workplace but someone I came across through work. It got physical and she became PA #2. That lasted for 5-6 month until she moved on with the man who she eventually married.

After PA #2, I discovered porn as a masturbation aid. Even though I knew she wouldn’t approve, I did it anyway and lied to her about that. I was more tech-savvy and she trusted me. She’d ask me (and warn me) to my face if I was doing porn and I’d say no…repeatedly. Even after getting caught with porn when I left it open on my iPad, and getting thrown out of the house for a week, i stopped for only 3-4 months but went back to it. I used porn secretly until D-Day. It’s been 20 years of use. I came clean about that when confronted. It has lost its appeal though I still get occasional urges (as has masturbation).

Sorry this is so long but I’m not done. In 2018, I began an EA with another worker in my office. That became a PA when we had 2-3 sexual encounters. She was a "work friend" that i did not hide at the office. I hid her from my BS but co-workers could tell i favored this woman. She ended things and left the office in 2022. I lied to my wife (by not telling her any of this) even when confronted.

When the PA ended with my co-worker, I had a one-time PA with someone I met at a store I’d frequent in 2019. We flirted and bonded over sports. I commented how attractive she was, she’d reciprocate and I’d push on that attention until we had sex after closing once. We’d text a lot (including pics she’d send me of her; I’d reciprocate sometimes too). So, it became an EA too. While that was the last PA i had, there were 4 more EAs. I’ve left destruction in my path to a lot of people.

I was discovered when I left texts on my phone. I’d been communicating with someone before and over Covid for 5 years. My BS had no clue as I had everyone fooled. As DaddyDom said in his "Why" thread posted above, I would seek attention from women to make me feel good. I’d strive to be their hero and help them so they would give me positive attention and "affection". All this was at the expense of my loyal, supporting BS.

I disclosed much of this to her so incorrectly with no counselor on hand. She would ask and, finally, i caved and told her much more than she ever thought existed. She is devastated and unable to get past the fact that my acting out began when, theoretically, there was no reason. We had it all. We were happy…clearly I wasn’t or I wouldn’t have done what I did. I recognize I’m an SA after so many years of infidelity, porn use, and EAs. I’m in group for that. I just started with a different IC and we are in marriage counseling too.

Bottom line, my R has been horribly destructive as i have lied to her and have had a difficult time putting her first (even horribly so yesterday). We are living apart and she sees no commitment. I’ve made some strides in my behaviors but have floored her too often with crisis after crisis. I really want to find out the WHYs but I don’t know how. I read DaddyDom’s post and every reply and need to go back to #1 and read DaddyDom’s instructions again. I don’t have a wonderful memory of my childhood (maybe because nothing really stood out) as I too feel that i am the cause of this and the my childhood was great and had nothing to do with it.

I read the post where DaddyDom said to just post here on this board…so, here I am. I need to put her first always and have failed to do so. It’s like I’m so out of practice doing that that my brain goes back to what i normally do without thought. Yesterday, i hurt her again. I failed to put her first even when she was right in front of me. She wanted to see what I’d do and I did nothing right. hope I can figure out my Why b/c she really needs to know why this happened…why i thought it was ok to do this at all…so do I.

I think i rambled but i am anxious to start working on my Whys. I need all the help i can get. I’ve done a lot of reading here, on the web, books, yet I still don’t PHFA consistently.

me/WH-57
married 33 years
Dday 3/13/24
Together but struggling

posts: 5   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2024
id 8854680
default

hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 3:51 PM on Monday, November 25th, 2024

I think sometimes change has to be selfish. Not the kind of selfish you have been living the last 20+ years.

The kind of selfish that I am talking about is becoming very committed to becoming a person who feels good about themselves.

When you do something like lie, as you have this week, you are controlling an outcome you are not really in control of. What if you started thinking- it feels better to tell the truth? I like not having to remember lies, I like not having to worry about being found out, I like who I am becoming- which is an honest person.


What I am saying is yes, you should want to tell the truth to her and help her. But sometimes we have to first make commitments to ourselves.

Our relationships with others all flow from that.

It feels better to do the right thing rather than going around trying to mitigate the impact. You want to stay married, that’s not what you are in control of.

But you can walk a path that you start to feel better about the person you are. You can learn to resist the urge to manipulator and lie. To show her the commitment or anyone commitment it has to first exist.

So my advice to you is focus on who you are going to be moving forward. Do not waiver. Then we can add to that.

I would read the book "rising strong" by brene brown. This helped me with understanding how I was depriving myself of true connection by always trying to control the narrative. It will give you a new perspective on the courage to be honest and to practice vulnerability.

Focus on this and you won’t be afraid of the truths you are seeking about yourself and your whys.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7617   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8854713
default

 PHFA (original poster new member #85184) posted at 4:23 PM on Monday, November 25th, 2024

@hikingout

Thanks for the reply. I have made small steps that have given her safety and healing. However, I screw that up with something major. I have been in such a long, bad "habit" of doing things without thinking about her first for so long. Last week, what broke her was when I wrote in an office birthday card for one of the female employees. I just came in, was handed the card, sat at my desk and, with my wife observing what I’d do, proceeded to write something for another woman. I didn’t tell my wife what I wrote nor did i give her the chance to write in the card (she knows the woman but isn’t an employee so my mind didn’t contemplate that). The minute I closed the card, she left the office with another example of how I didn’t consider her (especially now when we are going on 9 months of attempted R). To top it off, since the workday wasn’t over (even though I’m the boss and I can do what I want), I had a piece of birthday cake and did not immediately go after my wife. That, of course, made things worse. It’s like my brain didn’t go there. I don’t use the word "habit" to minimize but that is how I’ve done things for so long. I need to stop doing without thinking. I fear it is too late as we are struggling mightily right now. This could be our first Thanksgiving apart since meeting 30+ years ago.

As for getting to love myself, I have a therapy group I belong to that tries to drill that into my head. I know I will do that…work on loving myself. I know it will take introspection the likes I haven’t done before (nor really know how to do as all my thoughts seem superficial). My BS needs/wants to know my why…why did i feel that having an affair was ok given where we were in our lives so early in the marriage. I’m in it for the long haul. Unfortunately, she may not be as every time I hurt her, she loses more reason to be with me (all because I TTd, manipulated, lied, was selfish in the firsts months of R). Again, thanks for getting back to me and I appreciate anything you say.

me/WH-57
married 33 years
Dday 3/13/24
Together but struggling

posts: 5   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2024
id 8854714
default

hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 5:09 PM on Monday, November 25th, 2024

I think my point was focus on doing the right thing because it’s the commitment you feel for yourself. If you can work on your own values, character and behaviors, making those based on courage to be honest and do the right things then that will go into your relationship.

It sounds very much like you are trying to modify yourself more towards keeping the relationship and if you do that your work is dependent on an external situation that you are not in control of.

Focus on what you can control, being better because it feels better to you. Doing better because you want to be that man. If you do it all through the lens of the relationship you will not change into a safer partner and give her what it is she is looking for.

Once you practice that, more things will fill in. To get to a place you can demonstrate remorse you have to stop focusing on pleasing others and figure out the fiber of the man you need to be. This will make you solid.

Take it moment by moment and act with courage and valor. The straighter arrow you can become the more chance you can build the life you need to. And also a better chance that you will stop the bleeding from following your faulty instincts.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:10 PM, Monday, November 25th]

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7617   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8854729
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